I can’t stand my brother-in-law…and his abroad wedding…

[Thirls]

Hello! I wanted some honest advice here. It’s a long one so buckle in if you have the time to help - thank you in advance 🩷

My BIL/SIL are insufferable, they will introduce themselves to strangers and within seconds will say how well off they are and are extremely entitled people. They also have serious tempers, very nasty and have screamed down the phone to us on many occasions - baring in mind they live on the other end of the country so we don’t see them often (thank god).

Anyway, they’re getting married abroad, they’ve given us just 11 months notice and it’s going to cost us £2k each to fly, stay, attend multiple gatherings including the wedding day. He’s having 4 stag dos, she’s having two - one of each are abroad too. We got married last year but it was local and never expected people to drop everything to attend, we know it’s a big ask and an expense, I was grateful if someone sent us a card honestly. They have not once acknowledged how much it costs for guests and have even told us that if we don’t stay the whole week for the wedding, then we shouldn’t go at all, and that goes for all the guests - their entitlement is rather clear now I think!

We have been going through fertility struggles this last year (who knew it was so difficult to make a baby!?) and I have been going through tests recently, so is my husband. Thankfully my test came back great so that was a massive relief - now just waiting on my husbands. I had an early loss in June sadly which led to a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally. And since then, it’s been a tough ride for me. I don’t feel comfortable at the thought of going abroad as I really do hope to be pregnant by then.

Now, I asked the SIL to be my bridesmaid last year, it just made sense as we’re family (sadly) and have to get along, so it was a safe choice. She’s now asked me to be one of her 9, which I knew she was just asking by default. She wants multiple gatherings, all of which are 4 hours drive away, and all she wants to do on a weekday. So as these are just planning/gatherings, they’re not hen dos, I said I would struggle to attend, but I specifically messaged her twice to say please don’t fuss about my availability and I’ll be supporting from afar and would love to see pictures of the night! I know from a brides perspective how difficult it is to get people together, and it’s expected one or two can’t make it…sadly, they don’t think the same.

I messaged SIL explaining that I couldn’t make the night she planned as we’ve booked a last minute holiday, it’s our last ditch attempt as I’ve timed it with my cycle, so I’ll be ovulating while we’re away, so I’m hoping being on holiday will help us conceive (that’s how I conceived earlier this year before the miscarriage). Yes, it’s a selfish thing to have booked it knowing she had this bridesmaid evening booked, I’m not making out I’m a saint here. But they don’t know our fertility struggles, and I don’t want them to know. But without them knowing, we probably are coming across as unreasonable.

So this is where I’m stuck (also this evening I am missing is just a bottle of wine and trying on some dresses, it’s not booked at a shop, she told everyone to buy their own dress and bring it with them to try on in front of everyone - it’s not a big thing in my opinion). She’s not replied and the brother in law called my husband saying awful things about me, I’ll never forgive him. I appreciate they don’t know what’s going on, but if they had just spoken to me directly and asked why we booked the holiday, rather than calling screaming down the phone and saying horrible things to me, I would have told them what’s going on.

So I’m in a pickle. Do I leave them to turn the whole family against me (I call them both the king and queen of England as literally they can do no wrong in the family’s eyes) and just don’t say anything, don’t attend the wedding etc. or do I just bite the bullet and tell them my deeply personal issues (not even my family know and they’re my world).

Sorry for the long message, please tell me what you would do? As I said, yes, booking the holiday after knowing the plans was selfish, I’m not going to deny it, but it’s not a hen do and I’m not buying a dress with my own money, driving 4 hours away to wear it in front of 9 people I don’t know, to be told that’s not the dress they’ll be picking…it’s not a big deal? Also one final thing, she’s been so incredibly rude to me the last year, and at the family Christmas meal she sat next to me and purposely turned her back so I couldn’t speak to her the whole meal. I was at the end of the table so I had no one else to speak with…so this has been an ongoing issue with her attitude with me for a long time now…this isn’t new!

but if I drop out it’ll be my word against theirs how the conversation goes, so his family will take their side whatever the case

This is where you are going wrong: you actually care what "side" his family takes, and care whether they think you are lying.

The solution is not to care.

Why do you care what his family thinks of you?

Do you realise you don't have to have anything to do with them if you don't want to? DH can see his family whenever he wants without you.

I'd be rethinking my life and whether my partner has my back.

You are under no obligation to go at all. But you must see the impact on everyone else for the already arranged dress evening .. if this is get everyone together to see if the dresses "work" and you have bailed throwing everyone else out
Other than that , you are under no obligation to go to anything but if you say you're going you should! If you can't commit then be kind and drop out of being a bridesmaid. You don't like her anyway

Now, I asked the SIL to be my bridesmaid last year, it just made sense as we’re family (sadly) and have to get along, so it was a safe choice.

No, you don’t.

I don't know why you said yes to being a bridesmaid and then booked the holiday over the meet up. Tactically, that wasn't great, now was it?

They “have even told us that if we don’t stay the whole week for the wedding, then we shouldn’t go at all”

So don't go at all. If your DH needs to go to keep the peace with his family, let him, but I think Cinaferna‘s advice is good, and I’d be doing that.

Your dh should go to the wedding on his own, easier for all of you

I wouldn’t want to be involved in any of it. They sound awful.

I can’t see that you have anything to lose.

No one needs 9 bridesmaids, so decline being the 9th - she only asked you out of politeness !
and you should not have asked her to be one of yours, you can't stand the woman.

Personally I can't see why you are going to the wedding. except out of duty.

The very fact that they are/have screaming at you on the telephone is good enough reason to say to them - I do not have to tolerate your nasty offensive telephone calls and attitude towards me. So at this point I will step down from being a bridesmaid to avoid future aggravation and disappointment Just turn it back on their unreasonable behaviour.
If anyone should question you - just turn it back on their behaviour and reiterate just that point. They don't need to know your future plans or any other reasons why - you are just stepping away for your own peace of mind.

It was rude to agree to come over for something and then book a holiday on those dates, regardless of how pointless or otherwise you think the event is.
You should absolutely put TTC first, but of course there are going to be repercussions from shunning the evening.
Your best option is to send a nice email and say that because of TTC you feel you can’t be the bridesmaid she needs and apologise once again- I assume you did apologise for cancelling right ? - and say it’s best that you back out of being a bridesmaid for personal reasons.

Do you have 8k to spare? If not, I would not be going and would say you might need it for fertility treatment (which you might).

You and your SIL don't like each other, and both asked the other to be bridesmaid out of obligation. You framed this as you doing it to get along with your in-laws (because you're so nice and humble), and her doing it only because she had to in return (because she's so self-centred and demanding).

In her version of the story, she will frame this nonsense in a way that makes you look like the bad guy.

You can either:
Grow a pair, be honest and say you've got too much on to be a bridesmaid at the moment - she will be relieved.

Or:
Go along with the charade, whinging behind the scenes and causing tension and arguments, and be one of those families in which everyone constantly bitches about meaningless shite that happened decades ago.

Just don’t speak to them or acknowledge them ever again. If someone literally screams down the phone at you, you don’t engage with them. Or is that just me?!

I don’t know why you asked her to be your bridesmaid, and that started the whole problem imo.
You have a choice but you have to accept the consequences. Drop out of it all and accept the family consequences, or choose to participate as she has asked if you want to keep the peace. Those are your two choices.

Oh, don't be so judgemental. The OP is obviously in an emotionally vulnerable position because of trying to make a baby. She needs support, not demolishing. Think if you were in this position. If you can't offer advice, then don't comment! OP , your relatives sound revolting. People who find the need to boast usually and quite empty inside and all they really need is an audience and set of ears to listen to their bragging. Take the audience and ears away, and they are nothing. Don't validate their vulgarness. I would sit down with my partner and have a very good discussion about what you both really want and find some common ground. Since I have kept away from the braggers and the judges, my life has been so much more pleasant. You are still young, but when you turn into an old bat like me, you won't find the time or energy for such bores!

Don’t go. Don’t be around toxic behaviour. It won’t help your fertility struggles and it won’t change their behaviour.

My DH has a cousin with bad angry behaviour. Everyone tiptoes around her. She’s yelled at us once at a BBQ. Happened to be when when I had just started IVF so I was extra vulnerable. I burst into tears in front of everyone. From then on, we don’t invite her over to ours, we didn’t invite her to our wedding even though my MIL kept insisting. She occasionally invites us to theirs for dinner with the family and every now and then we go. She wants to hang out more but we mostly don’t commit. Outcome is that nobody died, we’re happier and life is more peaceful.

You need to protect your peace as if it’s oxygen. IVF and fertility struggles are hard enough without extra stress. Also, do NOT tell them to provide a reason. Your reason (to yourself) is that their behaviour is bang out of order. You don’t have to go on hen dos or expensive weddings abroad. Stay home and maintain your own peace.

I think you have to make a choice here, politely decline everything, ignore the fallout and hope that your family see your side eventually (and they may well take a while), or grit your teeth and go along with the circus- but you have to make your peace with it and try to do so happily.

I do think it was a bit silly to book a holiday when you’d agreed to be a bridesmaid, I would have been a bit hurt and she doesn’t know the backstory.

You need to step down as bridesmaid, you should never have accepted because you don't want to spend time with her, you don't like her, and you don't want to do any of the things she is organising, she sounds insufferable but if you thought she asked you as a token ask and you have zero interest in it, why would you even accept?? You had your 'out' right there, pretty sure she wouldn't have batted an eyelid if you just said no.

Your DH sounds like he is stuck between the two sides now, so you need to apologise and step down, you've caused this issue by accepting something you had no intention of honouring.

Don't your parents in law know about your fertility struggles? If not, why not? They would naturally be the buffer between the two sides surely?

This sums up what I think @Thirls
🤣

Nice and pithy and states the case very well IMO.

This! Brilliant!

You can’t change what they say about you, you can’t change what they think about you so just let them….

Well your stress levels associated with everything to do with these people and the wedding are not going to help you conceive are they?! Pull out now and leave it to your OH to handle.

@Lighttodark Me neither, but SM English is not standard English.

I will! Go no/low contact that is!