I can’t stand my brother-in-law…and his abroad wedding…

[Thirls]

Hello! I wanted some honest advice here. It’s a long one so buckle in if you have the time to help - thank you in advance 🩷

My BIL/SIL are insufferable, they will introduce themselves to strangers and within seconds will say how well off they are and are extremely entitled people. They also have serious tempers, very nasty and have screamed down the phone to us on many occasions - baring in mind they live on the other end of the country so we don’t see them often (thank god).

Anyway, they’re getting married abroad, they’ve given us just 11 months notice and it’s going to cost us £2k each to fly, stay, attend multiple gatherings including the wedding day. He’s having 4 stag dos, she’s having two - one of each are abroad too. We got married last year but it was local and never expected people to drop everything to attend, we know it’s a big ask and an expense, I was grateful if someone sent us a card honestly. They have not once acknowledged how much it costs for guests and have even told us that if we don’t stay the whole week for the wedding, then we shouldn’t go at all, and that goes for all the guests - their entitlement is rather clear now I think!

We have been going through fertility struggles this last year (who knew it was so difficult to make a baby!?) and I have been going through tests recently, so is my husband. Thankfully my test came back great so that was a massive relief - now just waiting on my husbands. I had an early loss in June sadly which led to a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally. And since then, it’s been a tough ride for me. I don’t feel comfortable at the thought of going abroad as I really do hope to be pregnant by then.

Now, I asked the SIL to be my bridesmaid last year, it just made sense as we’re family (sadly) and have to get along, so it was a safe choice. She’s now asked me to be one of her 9, which I knew she was just asking by default. She wants multiple gatherings, all of which are 4 hours drive away, and all she wants to do on a weekday. So as these are just planning/gatherings, they’re not hen dos, I said I would struggle to attend, but I specifically messaged her twice to say please don’t fuss about my availability and I’ll be supporting from afar and would love to see pictures of the night! I know from a brides perspective how difficult it is to get people together, and it’s expected one or two can’t make it…sadly, they don’t think the same.

I messaged SIL explaining that I couldn’t make the night she planned as we’ve booked a last minute holiday, it’s our last ditch attempt as I’ve timed it with my cycle, so I’ll be ovulating while we’re away, so I’m hoping being on holiday will help us conceive (that’s how I conceived earlier this year before the miscarriage). Yes, it’s a selfish thing to have booked it knowing she had this bridesmaid evening booked, I’m not making out I’m a saint here. But they don’t know our fertility struggles, and I don’t want them to know. But without them knowing, we probably are coming across as unreasonable.

So this is where I’m stuck (also this evening I am missing is just a bottle of wine and trying on some dresses, it’s not booked at a shop, she told everyone to buy their own dress and bring it with them to try on in front of everyone - it’s not a big thing in my opinion). She’s not replied and the brother in law called my husband saying awful things about me, I’ll never forgive him. I appreciate they don’t know what’s going on, but if they had just spoken to me directly and asked why we booked the holiday, rather than calling screaming down the phone and saying horrible things to me, I would have told them what’s going on.

So I’m in a pickle. Do I leave them to turn the whole family against me (I call them both the king and queen of England as literally they can do no wrong in the family’s eyes) and just don’t say anything, don’t attend the wedding etc. or do I just bite the bullet and tell them my deeply personal issues (not even my family know and they’re my world).

Sorry for the long message, please tell me what you would do? As I said, yes, booking the holiday after knowing the plans was selfish, I’m not going to deny it, but it’s not a hen do and I’m not buying a dress with my own money, driving 4 hours away to wear it in front of 9 people I don’t know, to be told that’s not the dress they’ll be picking…it’s not a big deal? Also one final thing, she’s been so incredibly rude to me the last year, and at the family Christmas meal she sat next to me and purposely turned her back so I couldn’t speak to her the whole meal. I was at the end of the table so I had no one else to speak with…so this has been an ongoing issue with her attitude with me for a long time now…this isn’t new!

Their expectations are far too high. People shouldn’t expect their family and friends to spend that much money, use that much annual leave and travel overseas attending a wedding, without sounding them out first.

If you don’t want to travel abroad for an expensive wedding, of people who don’t bring kindness, joy or even any positivity to your life, then don’t go.

Suggest being clear in your mind what the reason is. Presumably, if you had a warm and close relationship with them, you’d be far more likely to go, even if pregnant. So, sounds like the underlying reason is because you don’t enjoy their company.

But you don’t need to give them a reason. Just say it’s due to deeply personal reasons you’d rather not discuss. Apologies you won’t be able to attend to celebrate with them. And leave it at that.

If the rest of the family think that’s terrible and shun you, they don’t sound reasonable or pleasant - and are unaware of how badly their other son and DIL behave towards you.

If BIL and SIL are regularly horrible and shout at your DP and you, then in future make it clear this isn’t acceptable and you’re removing yourselves by hanging up or leaving the room. If she ignores you again at a gathering, circulate (e.g. between courses) and sit next to someone else.

If this is your DP’s brother, could he fly over for the wedding for a couple of days? What’s his view on all this? It’s his family, so up to him to sort out and decide what to do and you should back him in that. Sounds like he needs to set clear boundaries with his family of what’s acceptable behaviour.

@Thirls

>> Sorry for the long message, please tell me
>> what you would do?

While I hate the man (and his pandering to Trump), Doctor Phil has something to amplify here. His one bit of homespun philosophy that works EVERY TIME in difficult situations with "friends", work colleagues, bosses, extended family, aquaintances is: "PEOPLE TREAT YOU (FOREVER) HOW YOU LET THEM TREAT YOU IN THE FIRST EXCHANGES OF A RELATIONSHIP/CONNECTION"

You must make a firm resolute decision and enact a single-minded response.

Turd people will not respect you if you bend back further and furrther.

Make sure your husband is similarly resolute and enact your decision.

Do not apologise.

Your mantra is: "I'm a great person. I make fair decisions. I do not accept weasel compromises that make me look like I fold."

Stay firm. Be pleased with yourself. Some families are not worth the type of unity and loyalty that they seem to demand. (You can bet they won't think of your feelings when they want to sound or to look decisive.)

I'm guessing that the SiL has been watching far too many US bridal programmes and reading about them in magazines/on line. Some of their "mandatory" things include a full cocktail hour before the main meal, having a pre wedding photo shoot, formal "rehearsal dinner" etc. If you follow what these kinds of media suggest are normal, you can spend 10's of thousands without thinking.

One of their things is all the bridesmaids getting together in a bridal shop & trying on bridesmaids dresses from there & buying them, including formal fittings & stuff like that. Vastly more expensive than buying from anywhere else, and the need for the bridesmaids to have theirs made to measure then formal fittings sounds insane to me. You're often looking at up to £1k per dress for the bridesmaids plus any alterations, and I've seen episodes where they've had up to 14 bridesmaids (usually Southern states for some reason). Sounds like SiL is trying to do similar but on the cheap as she knows her bridesmaids won't stand for having to all wear the same dress that they may not like & pay for it themselves.

Haven’t read everyone’s replies so I’m sure someone has already said this. Surely the simplest answer would be to tell them you are trying for a child and could potentially be pregnant by their wedding so either wouldn’t be able to fly or be heavily pregnant so wouldn’t want to ruin the aesthetic of their wedding by being a heavily pregnant bridesmaid. I think that would be the easiest get out. Also say it in front of PIL, no one can paint you in a bad light. If they say can’t you wait, just say your biological clock is ticking and this was always your plan. You’ve said you potentially may be pregnant not will be pregnant, it’s the truth without going into any details about your fertility. If she has 8 other bridesmaids (ridiculous!) aesthetic is what she wants.

OP may be holding back on some
facts for anonymity but she says she has been ttc for a year with one early loss, so
less than 12 goes (?). Yes, I get the stress, but unless the OP is 35 plus (which she might be) or has an underlying condition (which she might have) this is early doors for saying you have a fertility problem. The NHS wouldn’t send the male for a sperm test or refer a couple at this point unless there were additional reasons to believe there is an issue.

I don’t know why some posters have replied mentioning the difficulty of coordinating IVF/those unsympathetic haven’t experienced the difficulties, as the OP never mentioned IVF. I point this out as the ttc colours how reasonable the OP seems and I say this as the parent of one child conceived after 14 rounds of fertility treatment.

I loathe big weddings and did an ‘elopement’ myself, however, foul as the relatives may be, there’s a danger this comes across as ‘whatever I am doing is important when I am doing it and when I’m done the next thing I am doing is the only important thing’. Personally, if I couldn’t afford the wedding I’d say no but otherwise I would try to match what the couple did for me eg one hen night plus wedding or similar.

It would be their problem and their loss if they were to express nastiness regarding your fertility issues. And they sound like they are mean about something often anyway SO ..

I would have a heart to heart, in real life not via text or phone, with SIL and pull out of the bridesmaid role. Give your very serious fertility issues as the reason. They might behave like adults and support you. You have nothing to lose given their behaviour. I think you would sleep better at night, feel more relaxed etc. if you just tell the truth and share some of your actual fertility journey.
You never know. SIL might still want you as a bridesmaid but might not expect you to be present any many activities at all.

My opinion is based on sensing that you want a relationship with this couple into the future.

All that stress really can't be helping with your fertility issues.

Very experienced IVFer here - 10 years of treatment under my belt the one thing I did learn was to not put your life on hold for something that may or may not happen! I did get my rainbow baby so I hope you get yours too! No comment on the SIL situation as am only hearing one side of the story so can’t comment but the fertility struggle I can relate too. Best of luck

I think you have done this to yourself by agreeing to be a bridesmaid and agreeing to an event to then book a holiday when the event is on.

I get why she’s pissed off.
You could go any time in before or after but have picked the day of her event.

My goodness! You are the opposite of me!
Why on earth did you ask her to be your bridesmaid? Its not obligatory. Then you agree to their wedding and to being a bridesmaid. That's just daft! You've now upset her by deliberately booking a holiday when you knew she had organised something.
Dont go to the wedding, I'm pretty sure you aren't going anyway
Please tell her now. I know some places look for a minimum number before hosting a wedding.Just say you can't afford it.
How many other dramas do you have? Seriously, think about them and the reasons and what you could have done to avoid drama. Its not good to have that in your life. Look up relaxation techniques. They can really help. If you have Spotify look there.

I think, however well intentioned, that you opened a can of worms having her as a bridesmaid. That said, fuck her, fuck him, and fuck their stupid wedding. Don't go. There is no way I would drop 4k on attending a wedding unless I was rolling in cash, and that goes for people I actually like, not a pair of bullying, entitled tossers like your SIL and BIL.

@Thirls Good Luck with the holiday baby making, OP!

I’m in the camp of the others saying: Step down, step back, sooner rather than later - cost and logistics just all unrealistic! Hubby can go if he wants for his Bro, or you also just go as a guest if you want to too, but, step down.

And do think about boundaries overall for the being screamed at, how they generally behave - no one needs that! They sound a nightmare. When you hopefully eventually have kids, how do you think it’ll be then?! No. Minimal contact!

@Thirls have you stepped down yet?
The fact that you are TTC is no-one else's business.

I don't see the issue about not going to the wedding either. You just decline the invitation. No reasons or excuse just "I'm sorry we are unable to attend" end of.

Let them kick up a fuss and ignore them. Don't respond. Block all means of them contacting you if necessary.

@Thirls And I’d suggest you tell your family, or some of them, about your fertility struggles if they are your world as you say, let them be there for you….

This is 👌

They need to meet up with someone like this.

I would tell your close family about your Robles. I would not tell them anything and would not attend any function they had.

Do not acquiesce to these people, family or not. If their family are on their side, I would question how much time you spend with any of them.

I know that’s easy for me to say as a stranger on the internet but the what you’ve described is so toxic I would be loathe to give them any benefit of the doubt. Even if you do manage to resolve things civilly it doesn’t sound like they’re your type of people. Set boundaries now, early on before it affects your relationship with your husband.

This all sounds exhausting - never complain, never explain - tell her you are not going, if she doesn't like it tough. Let her say what she likes. I would not give a toss if it was me - so the family will get on at you - tell them to mind their own business. Why oh why do people not stand up for themselves. Tell them to go fuck themselves. Stand up for yourself, you know what you have to do, oh and block them on your phone. I never understand why people do things they don't want to do as they have no gumption to say no. No is my favorite word, comes out of my mouth before I have even have time to think.