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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t stand my brother-in-law…and his abroad wedding…

269 replies

Thirls · 12/09/2025 09:24

Hello! I wanted some honest advice here. It’s a long one so buckle in if you have the time to help - thank you in advance 🩷

My BIL/SIL are insufferable, they will introduce themselves to strangers and within seconds will say how well off they are and are extremely entitled people. They also have serious tempers, very nasty and have screamed down the phone to us on many occasions - baring in mind they live on the other end of the country so we don’t see them often (thank god).

Anyway, they’re getting married abroad, they’ve given us just 11 months notice and it’s going to cost us £2k each to fly, stay, attend multiple gatherings including the wedding day. He’s having 4 stag dos, she’s having two - one of each are abroad too. We got married last year but it was local and never expected people to drop everything to attend, we know it’s a big ask and an expense, I was grateful if someone sent us a card honestly. They have not once acknowledged how much it costs for guests and have even told us that if we don’t stay the whole week for the wedding, then we shouldn’t go at all, and that goes for all the guests - their entitlement is rather clear now I think!

We have been going through fertility struggles this last year (who knew it was so difficult to make a baby!?) and I have been going through tests recently, so is my husband. Thankfully my test came back great so that was a massive relief - now just waiting on my husbands. I had an early loss in June sadly which led to a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally. And since then, it’s been a tough ride for me. I don’t feel comfortable at the thought of going abroad as I really do hope to be pregnant by then.

Now, I asked the SIL to be my bridesmaid last year, it just made sense as we’re family (sadly) and have to get along, so it was a safe choice. She’s now asked me to be one of her 9, which I knew she was just asking by default. She wants multiple gatherings, all of which are 4 hours drive away, and all she wants to do on a weekday. So as these are just planning/gatherings, they’re not hen dos, I said I would struggle to attend, but I specifically messaged her twice to say please don’t fuss about my availability and I’ll be supporting from afar and would love to see pictures of the night! I know from a brides perspective how difficult it is to get people together, and it’s expected one or two can’t make it…sadly, they don’t think the same.

I messaged SIL explaining that I couldn’t make the night she planned as we’ve booked a last minute holiday, it’s our last ditch attempt as I’ve timed it with my cycle, so I’ll be ovulating while we’re away, so I’m hoping being on holiday will help us conceive (that’s how I conceived earlier this year before the miscarriage). Yes, it’s a selfish thing to have booked it knowing she had this bridesmaid evening booked, I’m not making out I’m a saint here. But they don’t know our fertility struggles, and I don’t want them to know. But without them knowing, we probably are coming across as unreasonable.

So this is where I’m stuck (also this evening I am missing is just a bottle of wine and trying on some dresses, it’s not booked at a shop, she told everyone to buy their own dress and bring it with them to try on in front of everyone - it’s not a big thing in my opinion). She’s not replied and the brother in law called my husband saying awful things about me, I’ll never forgive him. I appreciate they don’t know what’s going on, but if they had just spoken to me directly and asked why we booked the holiday, rather than calling screaming down the phone and saying horrible things to me, I would have told them what’s going on.

So I’m in a pickle. Do I leave them to turn the whole family against me (I call them both the king and queen of England as literally they can do no wrong in the family’s eyes) and just don’t say anything, don’t attend the wedding etc. or do I just bite the bullet and tell them my deeply personal issues (not even my family know and they’re my world).

Sorry for the long message, please tell me what you would do? As I said, yes, booking the holiday after knowing the plans was selfish, I’m not going to deny it, but it’s not a hen do and I’m not buying a dress with my own money, driving 4 hours away to wear it in front of 9 people I don’t know, to be told that’s not the dress they’ll be picking…it’s not a big deal? Also one final thing, she’s been so incredibly rude to me the last year, and at the family Christmas meal she sat next to me and purposely turned her back so I couldn’t speak to her the whole meal. I was at the end of the table so I had no one else to speak with…so this has been an ongoing issue with her attitude with me for a long time now…this isn’t new!

OP posts:
awkwardasfuck · 12/09/2025 14:08

HatandCoat · 12/09/2025 10:11

What is the 'trying on the dress' evening? It sounds like nine women have to each buy a different dress, try them on and one is picked as the bridesmaids' dress? So the other eight are binned? That would be crackers. I must be picking that up wrong.

Yeah my thoughts exactly what the fuck is this all about OP

Scarfitwere · 12/09/2025 14:30

Thirls · 12/09/2025 09:34

@Mugfills thank you for your reply! He doesn’t want the brother to know as he knows they could potentially turn our fertility issues into another reason to be nasty to us - yes, he’s that horrible. He won’t lose his relationship with his brother and has tried to protect me from many things, but wasn’t expecting the screaming call.

Ultimately he said I shouldn’t be a bridesmaid if I don’t want to be, but if I drop out it’ll be my word against theirs how the conversation goes, so his family will take their side whatever the case. He’s saying to leave it for now until they turn round to me and outright tell me I’m uninvited…

They aren't your family and they don't sound very nice. Just cut them off and you'll be happier. Let your brother deal with them when he wants to, you don't have to be involved.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 12/09/2025 14:39

It’s a horrible situation and they sound horrible, but you can’t win here. You’re never going to live up to her ridiculous expectations so you may as well drop out early before spending huge amounts of money rather than later, since it seems like the consequences will be the same.

Beeinalily · 12/09/2025 14:40

What would I do? I'd tell them to shove it up their arse.

Itiswhysofew · 12/09/2025 14:53

Their choice to be so lavish. They can't expect people to jump to their command.

They sound awful and abusive with it. I'd be tempted to tell them to eff off😄

Your DH needs to tell them to back off and to pit them in their place.

Ponderingwindow · 12/09/2025 14:53

By agreeing to be a bridesmaid you have made this situation much worse. Now there is a reason for repeated sources of stress as you chafe under the demands of the role. It doesn’t matter if those demands are unreasonable or not if the problem
is the impact on family dynamics.

You need to drop out now. Say you have realized that you are not going to be able to do a good job given the distance and it is better if you are just a wedding guest.

TottyMaude · 12/09/2025 14:54

Tell her to get to fuck. And her spineless husband to be. These people will never, ever help you with anything. They offer nothing of any use to you or your husband. They will probably go on to have children who will be obnoxious to your children. Get out now.

Ilady · 12/09/2025 14:55

In this situation I would say to sil that unfortunately you can't be a bridesmaids as your work place has gotten very busy. I would not be driving for hours for numerous expensive meet ups and then going abroad for days in a probably expensive venue for this wedding.
You need to tell your husband that your doing this and that your not taking any more verbal abuse from this couple. You can then decide closer to the event if your going to attend this wedding. The reality is that most places have daily flight from the UK. You can go the day before the wedding and come back 2 days after the wedding.
If your pregnant or have a new born at that stage you have a perfect excuse not to be there.

howshouldibehave · 12/09/2025 15:02

By agreeing to be a bridesmaid you have made this situation much worse.

This. You don't like them-fine, don't spend thousands going to their wedding and just say you can't afford it. People can't make you afford something.

But by agreeing to be bridesmaid and going to dress trying on evenings, but then deciding to book a last minute holiday and going to that again without telling anyone why, is just picking a fight?!

Autumn38 · 12/09/2025 15:05

ExtraOnions · 12/09/2025 09:32

So … if we strip this down:

You don’t like your in-laws
She asked you to be a Bridesmaid, which you accepted
There was a Bridesmaid meeting you had agreed to go to
You have now booked a holiday instead, so can’t go
She’s pissed off with you

I’m not surprised she’s pissed off, you’ve not said it’s because you are trying for a baby ( will where you have sex really make a difference?), it just looks like you have blown her out for a jolly.

The rest of the post is just “noise” to post her in the worst light, and you in the best … so you can get the validation of strangers that you are not being unreasonable.

It’s another of those posts where someone has already decided they are not being unreasonable, so constructs a narrative to make themselves feel better.

Yep this. You are being really quite unkind actually.

Applesonthelawn · 12/09/2025 15:06

Bearing in mind that they are in your lives probably forever, and they are likely to always be difficult, I would assert boundaries firmly but lovingly at this point to save hassle in future. This means telling them now that a) you have some very private health issues ongoing that make forward planning difficult, but that you do not wish to discuss (and do not under any circumstances elaborate on that no matter how much they probe), and b) you cannot afford the level of commitment they are asking for (again, no detail required). Temper this with lots of nice words about how thrilled you were to be asked, how delightful their plans sound, and how you wish them every happiness in the world, etc. etc., really be pretty overly generous with the sentiments.

And then the boundaries are set and the rules of future engagement defined.

HisNibs · 12/09/2025 15:19

I wasn't a good idea to agree to be a bridesmaid and then pull out of this weird dress fitting thing and on that, YABU. As you clearly don't like them, I would decline their wedding invite. Easy - can't get the time off work, too expensive whatever. Why spend thousands on having no fun?
Why do you care so much about what other members of his family may/may not say. Unless we're talking about MIL/FIL for example. More concerning though is that it doesn't sound like your husband has your back and in which case, why are you planning children with him? I would take the opportunity to set some boundaries with BIL/SIL, see what happens and what DH's position is because if he's not 100% with you, do you really want to remain attached to this shower. You could be in for many years of misery here.

Account734 · 12/09/2025 15:30

ExtraOnions · 12/09/2025 09:32

So … if we strip this down:

You don’t like your in-laws
She asked you to be a Bridesmaid, which you accepted
There was a Bridesmaid meeting you had agreed to go to
You have now booked a holiday instead, so can’t go
She’s pissed off with you

I’m not surprised she’s pissed off, you’ve not said it’s because you are trying for a baby ( will where you have sex really make a difference?), it just looks like you have blown her out for a jolly.

The rest of the post is just “noise” to post her in the worst light, and you in the best … so you can get the validation of strangers that you are not being unreasonable.

It’s another of those posts where someone has already decided they are not being unreasonable, so constructs a narrative to make themselves feel better.

Agree completely. I hate my SIL and so asked her to be my bridesmaid, it made sense. No, it didn't OP. Could you be more two faced?

I would love to hear what they say about you because I'm guessing you aren't the decent person you pretend to be.

Daygloboo · 12/09/2025 15:37

ExtraOnions · 12/09/2025 09:32

So … if we strip this down:

You don’t like your in-laws
She asked you to be a Bridesmaid, which you accepted
There was a Bridesmaid meeting you had agreed to go to
You have now booked a holiday instead, so can’t go
She’s pissed off with you

I’m not surprised she’s pissed off, you’ve not said it’s because you are trying for a baby ( will where you have sex really make a difference?), it just looks like you have blown her out for a jolly.

The rest of the post is just “noise” to post her in the worst light, and you in the best … so you can get the validation of strangers that you are not being unreasonable.

It’s another of those posts where someone has already decided they are not being unreasonable, so constructs a narrative to make themselves feel better.

Dearie me, what side of the bed did you get out of this morning.

Daygloboo · 12/09/2025 15:39

Thirls · 12/09/2025 09:24

Hello! I wanted some honest advice here. It’s a long one so buckle in if you have the time to help - thank you in advance 🩷

My BIL/SIL are insufferable, they will introduce themselves to strangers and within seconds will say how well off they are and are extremely entitled people. They also have serious tempers, very nasty and have screamed down the phone to us on many occasions - baring in mind they live on the other end of the country so we don’t see them often (thank god).

Anyway, they’re getting married abroad, they’ve given us just 11 months notice and it’s going to cost us £2k each to fly, stay, attend multiple gatherings including the wedding day. He’s having 4 stag dos, she’s having two - one of each are abroad too. We got married last year but it was local and never expected people to drop everything to attend, we know it’s a big ask and an expense, I was grateful if someone sent us a card honestly. They have not once acknowledged how much it costs for guests and have even told us that if we don’t stay the whole week for the wedding, then we shouldn’t go at all, and that goes for all the guests - their entitlement is rather clear now I think!

We have been going through fertility struggles this last year (who knew it was so difficult to make a baby!?) and I have been going through tests recently, so is my husband. Thankfully my test came back great so that was a massive relief - now just waiting on my husbands. I had an early loss in June sadly which led to a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally. And since then, it’s been a tough ride for me. I don’t feel comfortable at the thought of going abroad as I really do hope to be pregnant by then.

Now, I asked the SIL to be my bridesmaid last year, it just made sense as we’re family (sadly) and have to get along, so it was a safe choice. She’s now asked me to be one of her 9, which I knew she was just asking by default. She wants multiple gatherings, all of which are 4 hours drive away, and all she wants to do on a weekday. So as these are just planning/gatherings, they’re not hen dos, I said I would struggle to attend, but I specifically messaged her twice to say please don’t fuss about my availability and I’ll be supporting from afar and would love to see pictures of the night! I know from a brides perspective how difficult it is to get people together, and it’s expected one or two can’t make it…sadly, they don’t think the same.

I messaged SIL explaining that I couldn’t make the night she planned as we’ve booked a last minute holiday, it’s our last ditch attempt as I’ve timed it with my cycle, so I’ll be ovulating while we’re away, so I’m hoping being on holiday will help us conceive (that’s how I conceived earlier this year before the miscarriage). Yes, it’s a selfish thing to have booked it knowing she had this bridesmaid evening booked, I’m not making out I’m a saint here. But they don’t know our fertility struggles, and I don’t want them to know. But without them knowing, we probably are coming across as unreasonable.

So this is where I’m stuck (also this evening I am missing is just a bottle of wine and trying on some dresses, it’s not booked at a shop, she told everyone to buy their own dress and bring it with them to try on in front of everyone - it’s not a big thing in my opinion). She’s not replied and the brother in law called my husband saying awful things about me, I’ll never forgive him. I appreciate they don’t know what’s going on, but if they had just spoken to me directly and asked why we booked the holiday, rather than calling screaming down the phone and saying horrible things to me, I would have told them what’s going on.

So I’m in a pickle. Do I leave them to turn the whole family against me (I call them both the king and queen of England as literally they can do no wrong in the family’s eyes) and just don’t say anything, don’t attend the wedding etc. or do I just bite the bullet and tell them my deeply personal issues (not even my family know and they’re my world).

Sorry for the long message, please tell me what you would do? As I said, yes, booking the holiday after knowing the plans was selfish, I’m not going to deny it, but it’s not a hen do and I’m not buying a dress with my own money, driving 4 hours away to wear it in front of 9 people I don’t know, to be told that’s not the dress they’ll be picking…it’s not a big deal? Also one final thing, she’s been so incredibly rude to me the last year, and at the family Christmas meal she sat next to me and purposely turned her back so I couldn’t speak to her the whole meal. I was at the end of the table so I had no one else to speak with…so this has been an ongoing issue with her attitude with me for a long time now…this isn’t new!

It sounds lime you are never going to get on with these people. You'd be doi g yourself a favour to nip it in the bud now. Just dobt bither with them at all, for the wedding or for any event in the future.

Account734 · 12/09/2025 15:41

Daygloboo · 12/09/2025 15:37

Dearie me, what side of the bed did you get out of this morning.

Show quote history

Looks like the honest side to me.

Sassylovesbooks · 12/09/2025 15:56

Putting aside the fact you don't like your BIL or SIL. You agreed to be one of your SIL's bridesmaid's, and knew an evening had been planned to show/talk dresses and you decided to book a last minute holiday, meaning you can't attend the bridesmaid event. Yes, I understand you're having fertility struggles, but you deliberately booked this holiday knowing it would clash. You can't blame your SIL for being annoyed or your BIL. However, screaming/shouting down the phone to your husband is absolutely disgusting. Your husband needs to stand up for not only you, but himself too. He's allowing his family to bully you both, and his answer is he 'doesn't want to lose his relationship with his brother'!! What bloody relationship??? He sounds like a nasty piece of work, and there's only a 'relationship' if your husband toes the line!! Bugger that. I would decline the bridesmaid invitation and I certainly wouldn't be bullied in attending the wedding.

Seeingadistance · 12/09/2025 16:01

2chocolateoranges · 12/09/2025 09:34

I wouldn’t have anyone badmouthing me so I’d be phoning back to tell them to shove their wedding up their arse, you don’t want to be bridesmaid and you won’t be attending.

end of.

This.

From what you say they are horrible people - I don’t know why you take anything to do with them at all.

Just drop all contact now. Don’t go to their wedding, don’t visit them, don’t phone them to get screamed at.

CarpetKnees · 12/09/2025 16:23

YABVU to agree to something and then book a holiday instead.
I get why she is annoyed about that.
I think 9 bridesmaids is ridiculous, but, if that is what is happening, then co-ordinating a time to get everyone together to sort the "look" for the day is always going to be difficult, so it is incredibly rude of you to then change your mind after agreeing to that date.
It sounds like the bride is very relaxed and not at all dictating about what you all have to wear, but it's not unreasonable to see all the dresses in advance, and getting together for a couple of hours with a bottle of wine sounds a lovely way to do that.

YABU to agree to be a bridesmaid for someone when the practicalities of your lives mean you aren't willing, or able to take part in the preparation and meet ups before the wedding.

YABVVVU to agree to be a bridesmaid for someone you don't like.

I'm on the fence re agreeing to spend so much money on going abroad to their wedding. I don't think people (B&Gs) should put people in that position, but I do also understand that it would be important for your dh to be at his DB's wedding as that is what they are doing.

Studyunder · 12/09/2025 17:12

YABU to even consider being bridesmaid or go anywhere near their wedding. Why would you ever have anything to do with these people? Your husband can decide for himself if he wants to have contact, as can you.

It’s not like they’re ever going to change and become nice people. Block and ignore. They live hours away and would never visit you. So you can easily never see them again. In the nicest way possible, grow a backbone.

TwinklySquid · 12/09/2025 18:23

You are an adult and that means you can make choices for yourself. Stress isn’t good normally but definitely when trying for a baby.

Personally, I’d opt out of the whole thing. You can tell them there are personal matters going on but rather than mess them about, you I’ll just not go.

If they are going to turn the family against you, either way, you haven’t much to loose .

Summertimesadnessishere · 12/09/2025 18:25

Whether you are painting her in a worse light or not the point is

you don’t like them for good reason
they behave like entitled twats
they are expecting way too much of guests
you have more important priorities - making a baby.
you don’t want to go to wedding and events.

So be assertive and do what is right for you. You can not please all of the people all of the time and in the case you will never please them very much at all. So don’t beat around the bush in a half hearted way. Be direct and state you are not going and that you have been trying for a baby and that’s come with some loss and struggles.

wish them all the best and then get on with your life. You cannot control them and how they want to react so let them ! And then let yourself do what you want and need to do. Just don’t beat around the flakey. Be clear and straight up.

They sound like an utter nightmare personally and I’d steer well clear. You don’t need people like that in your life! Too much stress. Life is way too short.

amyds2104 · 12/09/2025 18:32

I ticked you are being unreasonable purely because you have agreed to things that you don’t want to do or know you won’t (hopefully) be able to do in the future. Back out of being a bridesmaid and step back from this wedding. You are creating unnecessary problems for yourself and unnecessary stress and drama.

You don’t like your SIL and she sounds insufferable so I can understand why. Spend your energy into more positive things.

Also she sounds like one of those people who when you get pregnant will say you have ruined her wedding plans etc. Don’t even step back jump back from the wedding!

FlyingFox · 12/09/2025 18:34

I would politely step down as a bridesmaid, say you have some personal health issues to deal with and can't manage all the "do's" so think it's better to step down. If she asks what just say you don't want to disclose currently. I would personally also not go to the wedding, let your husband go if he wants to go, but you are going to feel uncomfortable and like you said you are hoping you maybe pregnant, or even have given birth by then, if you do get pregnant on your holiday (assuming that is soon). They sound like a nightmare anyway and if the rest of the family turn on you for this then they are not worth it either!

21ZIGGY · 12/09/2025 18:37

If you think they will uninvite, you, then wait for that, that would be a brilliant way out. But fuck them. They sound like dicks. No way would I drive four hours or Buy my own bridesmaids dress or spend two grand on a wedding i don't want to go to