I can’t stand my brother-in-law…and his abroad wedding…

[Thirls]

Hello! I wanted some honest advice here. It’s a long one so buckle in if you have the time to help - thank you in advance 🩷

My BIL/SIL are insufferable, they will introduce themselves to strangers and within seconds will say how well off they are and are extremely entitled people. They also have serious tempers, very nasty and have screamed down the phone to us on many occasions - baring in mind they live on the other end of the country so we don’t see them often (thank god).

Anyway, they’re getting married abroad, they’ve given us just 11 months notice and it’s going to cost us £2k each to fly, stay, attend multiple gatherings including the wedding day. He’s having 4 stag dos, she’s having two - one of each are abroad too. We got married last year but it was local and never expected people to drop everything to attend, we know it’s a big ask and an expense, I was grateful if someone sent us a card honestly. They have not once acknowledged how much it costs for guests and have even told us that if we don’t stay the whole week for the wedding, then we shouldn’t go at all, and that goes for all the guests - their entitlement is rather clear now I think!

We have been going through fertility struggles this last year (who knew it was so difficult to make a baby!?) and I have been going through tests recently, so is my husband. Thankfully my test came back great so that was a massive relief - now just waiting on my husbands. I had an early loss in June sadly which led to a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally. And since then, it’s been a tough ride for me. I don’t feel comfortable at the thought of going abroad as I really do hope to be pregnant by then.

Now, I asked the SIL to be my bridesmaid last year, it just made sense as we’re family (sadly) and have to get along, so it was a safe choice. She’s now asked me to be one of her 9, which I knew she was just asking by default. She wants multiple gatherings, all of which are 4 hours drive away, and all she wants to do on a weekday. So as these are just planning/gatherings, they’re not hen dos, I said I would struggle to attend, but I specifically messaged her twice to say please don’t fuss about my availability and I’ll be supporting from afar and would love to see pictures of the night! I know from a brides perspective how difficult it is to get people together, and it’s expected one or two can’t make it…sadly, they don’t think the same.

I messaged SIL explaining that I couldn’t make the night she planned as we’ve booked a last minute holiday, it’s our last ditch attempt as I’ve timed it with my cycle, so I’ll be ovulating while we’re away, so I’m hoping being on holiday will help us conceive (that’s how I conceived earlier this year before the miscarriage). Yes, it’s a selfish thing to have booked it knowing she had this bridesmaid evening booked, I’m not making out I’m a saint here. But they don’t know our fertility struggles, and I don’t want them to know. But without them knowing, we probably are coming across as unreasonable.

So this is where I’m stuck (also this evening I am missing is just a bottle of wine and trying on some dresses, it’s not booked at a shop, she told everyone to buy their own dress and bring it with them to try on in front of everyone - it’s not a big thing in my opinion). She’s not replied and the brother in law called my husband saying awful things about me, I’ll never forgive him. I appreciate they don’t know what’s going on, but if they had just spoken to me directly and asked why we booked the holiday, rather than calling screaming down the phone and saying horrible things to me, I would have told them what’s going on.

So I’m in a pickle. Do I leave them to turn the whole family against me (I call them both the king and queen of England as literally they can do no wrong in the family’s eyes) and just don’t say anything, don’t attend the wedding etc. or do I just bite the bullet and tell them my deeply personal issues (not even my family know and they’re my world).

Sorry for the long message, please tell me what you would do? As I said, yes, booking the holiday after knowing the plans was selfish, I’m not going to deny it, but it’s not a hen do and I’m not buying a dress with my own money, driving 4 hours away to wear it in front of 9 people I don’t know, to be told that’s not the dress they’ll be picking…it’s not a big deal? Also one final thing, she’s been so incredibly rude to me the last year, and at the family Christmas meal she sat next to me and purposely turned her back so I couldn’t speak to her the whole meal. I was at the end of the table so I had no one else to speak with…so this has been an ongoing issue with her attitude with me for a long time now…this isn’t new!

Please don't be a bridesmaid, you don't need to lie or explain in detail why you're pulling out and you certainly don't need to get personal but you absolutely need to tell her asap. Think of the weight lifting off your shoulders once you tell her and don't get into any conflict or debate afterwards. If she wants to get nasty that will tell you everything you need to know but don't rise to it.

Don't tell them about any fertility issues and don't even give them so much as a clue because 1) they don't sound like they would be supportive in any dimension of your life let alone the emotional rollercoaster of ttc
2) they will no doubt be the type that fall pregnant straight away and rub it in your nose if things do take longer than you anticipated.

Once you've done that then everything else is in their hands, outwith your control and very much a 'them/her thing.'

Lastly enjoy your life by setting boundaries and protecting your energy. If this is a struggle for you, which it was for me for many years, look into some self help/therapy.
Put yourself first and everything else will fall into place. Sending hugs and truck loads of baby dust your way x

OP why on earth are you tying yourself in knots?!
The pair of them have given you and your husband the perfect excuse to go no contact forever!
husband phones his brother up and says “wife doesn’t deserve to be spoken about in that way, you’re a dick and we won’t be at or having anything to do with your wedding or in the future”
hangs up, Block their numbers.
fuck what the rest of the family think. If they’re that easily swayed by this vile pair then they won’t be much of a loss either!

I wonder if they are not a tad unpopular and panicking about getting people to comply with their expensive plans? lambasting you is easier than just acknowledging that they are just not popular enough to get people to do this one week wedding and all the pre dos? if they have enough friends then good luck to them but I doubt if they would be bothering about your non attendance

You don’t have to share any of your personal issues with them, they sound like awful self-centred people. Protect your peace, gracefully step down from being a bridesmaid as you can’t commit to their expectations. But honestly, I wouldn’t even be putting myself out to go the wedding when they behave like this. If your DH family take their side, let them. You can’t control the BIL/SIL/family or what they believe so do whatever gives you peace.

You shouldn't have to put up with anyone being so rude to you in person, and also over the phone. That's enough to bin off being bridesmaid for me.

You've already accepted out of social politics, but perhaps just say something along the lines that you didn't realise how many events would be taking place and financially it just isn't tenable for you to go to them all, so perhaps it is better that you just attend as a guest instead - balls in her court then.

There's an issue with why is your husband allowing his brother to talk about you in such a way...You should be his priority and so he should be cutting his brother off as soon as he starts to badmouth you. I appreciate it might cause an uncomfortable conversation but he needs to tell his brother to wind his neck in.

Sadly a very rude call sounds like it's bound to happen again, so maybe you need to resort to recording it?...that way the other family members can see how you're spoken to/about. I wouldn't normally say to do something like that but if noone can else can see how toxic they are, maybe they will concede with embarrassing evidence such as that? I don't know that could maybe cause more drama. Could you talk to your MIL or FIL about it? I know your said they're the golden couple to everyone, but have you ever laid out what happens and how it makes you feel?

Sounds like your SIL is going to be a huge bridezilla, and they both sound very self involved. Get out of the bridesmaid commitment now and focus on your fertility options. Good luck xx

Tell your pil they screamed and every single nasty thing they’ve ever said, bil badmouthing you etc and make a decision to stop being a doormat. You shouldn’t go to the wedding or spend a penny trying to please the impossible bridezilla. They won’t appreciate you for it. Why is your dp so keen to maintain a relationship with verbally abusive idiots?

This sounds awful for so many reasons - so sorry! You shouldn’t have to tell them the full story but maybe say you’re going through some private things and the holiday is directly related to that. You will speak about it when the time is right but that isn’t now. Also you could just say to SIL this thing is affecting you generally and if she’d prefer you bow out as a bridesmaid then you’ll happily do it etc. this can also be said with your husband so it’s a united front. Very sorry also to hear about the miscarriage. I similarly had a loss at 9 weeks and the emotional and mental toll is huge so please give yourself grace however you need it. I also wanted to hopefully give some hope - I now have my little 10 month old who we feel so infinitely lucky every day to have (esp after our loss). I am hoping so much for you that your little one is right round the corner ❤️❤️

I would tell her that you are sorry to disappoint, but have been going through a really difficult time in your personal life, which you would prefer not to discuss and that you just needed to get away.
Tell her that you could pick out a dress online and send her the link and then, if she and the others liked it, you could order it and try it on, then send photos. Alternatively you would understand if she dropped you from the wedding party if that was easier.
Re the wedding abroad... I see no issue in you saying to her that unfortunately you cannot afford to go on both the hen do abroad and the wedding. Then I personally would start to save up for the wedding with the intention of going. It doesn't sound like you've been trying for a baby for a really long time and sadly miscarriages are not uncommon. I appreciate that you don't know what lies ahead whilst trying to conceive, but my advice would be to wait until 4-5 months before the trip before booking your tickets if you are trying for a baby. Your husband needs to attend at the very least. If you are able to at all, then you should also try to, but no need to commit at this stage.

She'll have eight other bridesmaids to fall back on. Don't apologise - in fact, will you please stop apologising - and just be grateful if this narcissistic nightmare woman never speaks to you again.

The wedding they've planned is unaffordable. Send them a present to be civil, don't mind if your husband does decide to attend, and again make no apologies for deciding against spending money you haven't got on an event you don't want to be at.

Just apologise you're unable to attend, but wish them all the very best for their wedded life together.

4K? Save it for IVF if you need it x

I would go down the health issues line too, they don’t need to know details, say it’s very personal. Write a lovely letter and send them a big present. After they have treated you, I wouldn’t want to go near them.

Thank you so much for asking me to be your bridesmaid but I'm going to step away. We're trying to conceive so wouldn't want to reign on your parade with a pregnant bridesmaid and everything is so uncertain I can't commit, but thank you so much for asking me, it really would have been an honour.

With that you step away, no pressure. Attend the wedding if you have to 😒

Good luck with your fertility journey 🙏

Do I leave them to turn the whole family against me (I call them both the king and queen of England as literally they can do no wrong in the family’s eyes) and just don’t say anything, don’t attend the wedding etc. or do I just bite the bullet and tell them my deeply personal issues (not even my family know and they’re my world)

Leave them to it

You can’t afford this circus

and even if you could and didnt have fertility issues I can promise you their attitude to you wouldn’t change

Why would you do anything for someone who turns their back on you.

The problem is your dh shouldn’t be placating his brother. He needs to have a conversation with him about what you can and cannot realistically commit to

I think i wouldn't have accepted being a bridesmaid if I couldn't afford it , was going through some fertility treatments that I knew would take priority. It sounds as if everyone just did it as a ticket box exercise. You had her as a bridesmaid not because you wanted to , but it was "right " to do , and so did she.
I dont think you necessarily had to tell her but you could have not accepted and said that you had some personal issues or health issues you didn't want to disclose which would have made it hard to commit to initially though you'd love to have participated. She wasn't necessarily wrong to have got pissed off but you could've said no , and the amount and costs of their wedding demands is a long one & unreasonable but everyone kinda sucks here. But also, you have a life to lead and should put yourself first.

You’ve obviously had a rough time, fertility and miscarriage is incredibly lonely at the best of times. Your husband’s family appears to have big relationships/ involvement and expectations…

I think you just have to tell them the truth, miscarriage, fertility and explain how all of this has had a huge impact on things. If they don’t understand then that’s their loss but I don’t see how the rest of the family would turn against you for this. If anything they are more likely to defend you. Unless there is a cultural or religious or other factor that makes the subject a bit less talked about.

If they do choose to bitch about it to others then let them. They are shouting at you and playing you two to be mute and ignoring their demands for no reason - what could the truth do to make this worse?

I wouldn't be going. I'd formally reply and say that you wish them well but will get unable to attend. No explanation included.
Of course your husband may have a different opinion, and then it comes down to whether he agrees with you and doesn't go, or wants to pretend everything's fine and tries to change your mind (in which case how much are you prepared to negotiate with him), or he goes on his own etc
I think they'd be happier if you weren't there anyway and maybe they're trying to create barriers so that you won't go (not coming for whole week don't come at all etc)

I understand that you're trying to get along with his family, and you don't want to come across as the bad guy, but also you don't want to be pushed into stuff that you don't want to do. I didn't go my sister's wedding. My attitude was "they'll get over it" and they did. A few raised eyebrows were soon forgotten. Be strong to yourself and not a people pleaser

She’s not replied and the brother in law called my husband saying awful things about me, I’ll never forgive him.

They've given you your excuse to not attend, there.

I'd be sending one message, then blocking and refusing to discuss with any other family members.

Something like....

'If you had approached us calmly with regard to this issue we could have discussed the deeply personal reasons behind our needing to to spend some time away. Unfortunately this did not happen and the resulting conversation, including your behaviour and incredibly hurtful comments, has caused a lot of hurt. if that's what you really think of us then we see no reason why you would want us in attendance at the wedding or any connected events. We wish you well for the day but will be stepping back from the situation now. Please do not contact us further on the matter'.

They sound like utter twats.

Set yourselves free, OP!!

Just concentrate on getting pregnant,
And bookings it a broad, it's not cheap these days,all the best for getting pregnant, and I'm sure it will happen soon.

If they're that horrible why are you close enough to be bridesmaids at eachothers weddings?
Why do you care so much what they think when they call up and shout at you, slag you off and will try to turn the family against you?
Why is he having four stag dos?

You don't have to explain yourself to any one in regards to the fertility but you should drop out of the wedding now rather than drag this out any further. Money is a good excuse, 4k minimum for an 'obligation to family', fuck that.

You definitely don't need to share your personal health business with your in laws at this stage. it's none of their business. Hopefully they will understand in time. It is possibly a shame that you agreed to be a bridesmaid in the first place but I think some posters are missing the context and nuance that we can make mistakes despite doing our best to navigate family dynamics and relationships. She sounds like a bridezilla with her hen dos. Dodge the aggro, and step back from being a bridesmaid. No need for you to commit to that when you need to focus on limiting stress. Good luck with the IVF.

This post made my blood boil on your behalf . The answer is , she’s been a total cow to u for a long time , her bloke phoned shouting his mouth off about u , the answer is phone her back , tell her that she is a horrible person , her marriage will probably end in divorce & to shove her wedding up her ar*e , then u tell her never to contact u or ur hubby EVER again . You are an adult & u really do not need to quantify to ANYBODY in your family as to why you are not going . I have experienced something similar with a family member , however by the time I hit my mid 20s I grew a backbone & stood up for myself & it felt wonderful . I wish u the best x

I literally don’t know how people can live like this. So much drama for no reason.

go on your holiday, don’t be a bridesmaid, and all chill out

They sound absolutely vile. She has 9 bridesmaids - madness! Surely one won't be missed?

Don't let them have details of your private lives - they are not lovely, thoughtful people so there is no reason why they should be let into your confidence.

I would want to keep a great distance from these people and I hope your husband feels similarly. You have both had a very sad time and I hope you can move on together without the interference and upset caused by his horrible family. Good luck.

I have always been baffled by people who get married abroad and also invite relatives to the service and in effect honeymoon. And expect them to pay for an expensive holiday in a resort they.may not even like.

Seems like an Eighties thing that has got.massively out of hand and hugely competitive..

What happened to normal weddings and quiet honeymoons

Your relatives sound well off the scale.on showing off.

How rich are they?

Ate they selling the rights to someone like Hello Magazine YUKk!