I can’t stand my brother-in-law…and his abroad wedding…

[Thirls]

Hello! I wanted some honest advice here. It’s a long one so buckle in if you have the time to help - thank you in advance 🩷

My BIL/SIL are insufferable, they will introduce themselves to strangers and within seconds will say how well off they are and are extremely entitled people. They also have serious tempers, very nasty and have screamed down the phone to us on many occasions - baring in mind they live on the other end of the country so we don’t see them often (thank god).

Anyway, they’re getting married abroad, they’ve given us just 11 months notice and it’s going to cost us £2k each to fly, stay, attend multiple gatherings including the wedding day. He’s having 4 stag dos, she’s having two - one of each are abroad too. We got married last year but it was local and never expected people to drop everything to attend, we know it’s a big ask and an expense, I was grateful if someone sent us a card honestly. They have not once acknowledged how much it costs for guests and have even told us that if we don’t stay the whole week for the wedding, then we shouldn’t go at all, and that goes for all the guests - their entitlement is rather clear now I think!

We have been going through fertility struggles this last year (who knew it was so difficult to make a baby!?) and I have been going through tests recently, so is my husband. Thankfully my test came back great so that was a massive relief - now just waiting on my husbands. I had an early loss in June sadly which led to a lot of pain, both physically and emotionally. And since then, it’s been a tough ride for me. I don’t feel comfortable at the thought of going abroad as I really do hope to be pregnant by then.

Now, I asked the SIL to be my bridesmaid last year, it just made sense as we’re family (sadly) and have to get along, so it was a safe choice. She’s now asked me to be one of her 9, which I knew she was just asking by default. She wants multiple gatherings, all of which are 4 hours drive away, and all she wants to do on a weekday. So as these are just planning/gatherings, they’re not hen dos, I said I would struggle to attend, but I specifically messaged her twice to say please don’t fuss about my availability and I’ll be supporting from afar and would love to see pictures of the night! I know from a brides perspective how difficult it is to get people together, and it’s expected one or two can’t make it…sadly, they don’t think the same.

I messaged SIL explaining that I couldn’t make the night she planned as we’ve booked a last minute holiday, it’s our last ditch attempt as I’ve timed it with my cycle, so I’ll be ovulating while we’re away, so I’m hoping being on holiday will help us conceive (that’s how I conceived earlier this year before the miscarriage). Yes, it’s a selfish thing to have booked it knowing she had this bridesmaid evening booked, I’m not making out I’m a saint here. But they don’t know our fertility struggles, and I don’t want them to know. But without them knowing, we probably are coming across as unreasonable.

So this is where I’m stuck (also this evening I am missing is just a bottle of wine and trying on some dresses, it’s not booked at a shop, she told everyone to buy their own dress and bring it with them to try on in front of everyone - it’s not a big thing in my opinion). She’s not replied and the brother in law called my husband saying awful things about me, I’ll never forgive him. I appreciate they don’t know what’s going on, but if they had just spoken to me directly and asked why we booked the holiday, rather than calling screaming down the phone and saying horrible things to me, I would have told them what’s going on.

So I’m in a pickle. Do I leave them to turn the whole family against me (I call them both the king and queen of England as literally they can do no wrong in the family’s eyes) and just don’t say anything, don’t attend the wedding etc. or do I just bite the bullet and tell them my deeply personal issues (not even my family know and they’re my world).

Sorry for the long message, please tell me what you would do? As I said, yes, booking the holiday after knowing the plans was selfish, I’m not going to deny it, but it’s not a hen do and I’m not buying a dress with my own money, driving 4 hours away to wear it in front of 9 people I don’t know, to be told that’s not the dress they’ll be picking…it’s not a big deal? Also one final thing, she’s been so incredibly rude to me the last year, and at the family Christmas meal she sat next to me and purposely turned her back so I couldn’t speak to her the whole meal. I was at the end of the table so I had no one else to speak with…so this has been an ongoing issue with her attitude with me for a long time now…this isn’t new!

The way i understand it, is that the bridesmaids dress evening is just one of a number of gatherings the bride to be is expecting people to attend. Have I got that right @Thirls ?

I think you should say that you're no longer going to be her bridesmaid or go to the wedding as you can't manage the time and cost it will entail. If it turns the whole family against you, that sounds like a positive thing because they all sound horrible. Just walk away, don't be a doormat.

Surely it is genuinely out of most people's budget: £4k just to attend the wedding! That's before all the costs of stags and hen dos abroad, endless trips for bridesmaid fittings and the cost of a wedding present and wedding outfits. I would expect the whole lot to cost about £7k or £8k by the time they are through. That is an insane amount to spend just because a family member is getting married. And no one should expect others to spend this much unless they move in ultra rich circles. A wealthy friend of mind once said she and her husband dreaded wedding invites as last year they'd spent £12k on other people's weddings. I was so shocked. That was more than half my annual salary at the time. I'd have had to say no.

Agreed

What do you do? As a result of the call you back out of being a bridesmaid.

if you don’t want to go, let H go alone. Let them say whatever they want to say about you.

they’re going to ANYWAY

if you try to join in their game, pandering to them or path of least resistance, doesn’t matter, you’re going to lose whatever you do, so as others have said, take the hit, let the chips fall as they may and focus on your own relationship and family.

That’s absolutely fair enough. It is a huge amount of money.

I think the key is clear, polite communication. If you don’t want to spend a massive sum on a wedding just politely decline. Don’t agree to be BM.

Disregarding everything else, after that horrible phone call I would not be going to the wedding or getting involved at all.
Your husband can make his own decision whether to let his family treat you like shit or to stick by his wife.

I read OP's first paragraph and thought "well, don't go then" 🤷
I don't understand why people run after such arseholes and make an effort to have them in their lives.

I don't think you being selfish going on holiday. The trying on of dresses is quite trivial. When my DD1 got married one BM lived away so couldn't try it on at all, it was fine. Ppl get too carried away, that doesn't mean you have to go along with it. I agree forget being a BM 9 is ridiculous anyway. Good luck with baby making💕 enjoy your holiday

Ok I had another go at reading the whole thing. This stands out

Yes, it’s a selfish thing to have booked it knowing she had this bridesmaid evening booked, I’m not making out I’m a saint here

But you don't have to be a saint. Where did you get that idea? You just have to be a normal person, getting on with your life, and hopefully not causing harm to anyone else in the process. You don't have to be a slave to your SIL's every whim, acting as a bit-part player in the Great Story Of Her Life, just in the name of "not being selfish".

(And what is the difference between you and your SiL, that she is allowed to be selfish, but you are not?)

have even told us that if we don’t stay the whole week for the wedding, then we shouldn’t go at all,

This is bonkers. And she expects you to use several days of annual leave to attend bridesmaid get togethers? Nah, I'd decline with the whole shebang.

your dh needs to stand up for you more-he doesnt even like his brother but wont do anything about it

they do sound ridiculous and ott but theyre not psychic they dont know why your going on this holiday

just pull out of it

That depends on the location though.

One overseas wedding I went to was full of Brits and restaurants catering to them. There was zero cultural experience and it was somewhere I’d never go to.

Why are you pandering to what sound like an insufferable couple who your obviously don't like?

Maybe it's time to rest the relationship and take a stand rather than playing along and building resentment inside.

Many of the things you mention are just you trying to justify your decision, you've told them you can't make it and they have reacted poorly so use this as an opportunity to reset the relationship and keep things ata end length going forward. I wouldn't be friendly with people who think it's fine to call and shout at me at different times.

Is your DH insisting that you play nice and attend?

Just tell SIL that this episode has made you realise that, although you appreciated her asking you to be bridesmaid, logistically is just isn’t going to be possible and think it’s only fair to her that you decline.

Travelling for 4 hours every time she wants a meet-up would be difficult for anyone with their own work/life commitments, and with that number of bridesmaids you won’t be the only one who cannot do all of the meetings.
Get out now and let her get on with it.
You can then decide later on if you attend the wedding or not.

Your DH sounds weak. It's good he somewhat has your back I guess but he should have stood up to his brother the first time they tried shouting at you not this balancing game of not wanting to upset the family while trying to stand up for you.

Why is he so desperate to maintain a relationship with such a nasty brother who he acknowledges that they will use information such as your infertility issues against you?

In your shoes I wouldn't give a shit if his family are upset or not, they sound they have been pandering to the idiot BIL for a long time and everyone walks on eggs shells around him, well it's time to stand up to him and set firm boundaries once and for all.

I think if it was one evening then you’d have a point, but it sounds like SIL has “reserved” many, many days, weekends and evenings, which is unreasonable. If a bride wants multiple events she has to understand that other people’s lives go on and they might miss some of them.

I also disagree with the comment saying that the context is irrelevant.

OP: don’t sweat it. Just because you’re related doesn’t mean that you have to like them. Just bow out with vague “medical” reasons.

They sound horrific. I would definitely bow out of the wedding and call them to explain why and record the call too.

I second the health issues excuse and ease out of the whole debacle. Your dh can then decide if he travels alone to the wedding.

I personally wouldn’t be continuing anything beyond a very low contact relationship with someone so unkind.

Harsh

Oh yes, been there! You’ll give them £4K and they’ll go out of their way to make you both unwelcome, probably treat his entire side of the family like crap and you’ll spend your expensive ‘holiday’ picking up the pieces for them all. Do yourself a favour and just decline now.

I'm with everyone who has said tell them to shove the wedding up their arse... however, realistically you'd need balls of steel to do this and I do get that you have tried to appease them by having her as your bridesmaid etc...rightly or wrongly. I am learning the hard way that appeasement doesn't resolve anything in the long run with my own family issues. I'm standing my ground over certain things after years of having now boundaries, and it's really hard. You've had some great advice, apart from the replies that have tried to make out your were painting yourselves in some kind of 'good light' - ignore those, they are emotionally ignorant and I can bet my life they haven't been through the IVF journey. Having been through IVF myself, (first attempt failed, 2nd was successful, then conceived naturally 6 months later - after YEARS of nothingness and no huge medical problems found) - you must put yourself first, and I wish you all the luck in the world in conceiving. PS: personally, I feel that anyone wanting a wedding abroad, should suck up the costs of everyone who they expect to attend.

You dislike them as people so you are never going to be close. I feel this way about my own bil's wife. I won't derail your thread by going into the details. We are both adult enough to recognise we will never be friends but we are respectful of each other. The issue is that neither er of you are and that will always cause family discord.

To answer your question, no you do not need to tell them about the fertility issues. I most definitely wouldn't. You've justified pulling out of a planned event because you want to but anyone would be annoyed in this situation. They are entitled to be annoyed.

You need to establish your own boundaries with the both of them and the wider extended family. This might mean you are never poular but who cares? To do this both of you need to be on the same page. If my bil spoke to dh about me in a raised voice, my dh would tell him pipe down straight away, as would I if any of my siblings spoke about my dh in such a way. You need to be a team first and foremost.

Do not go to ANY OF THIS. They sound terrible and no matter what you do you will never be able to please them. Concentrate on getting pregnant nothing else matters least of all them.

I think you should pull out being a bridesmaid, her demands are ridicoulas. You could say you've been given a new project in work and won't be able to commit to it as much as you want, that one of your family or a friend is ill and you need the time to support them - no need to even say who is supposed to be sick, as you're respecting their privacy. You need a white lie so they can't turn your husband's family against you.

I don't think you should go to the full wedding circus - could you go for just a couple of days, and say you don't have the leave and or money to attend the whole thing?

Or you could tell them that you can't afford to go at all - might be enough to get them out of your lives. What are the rest of the family going to do? Ostracise you for not having the money to go?