Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

[amibeingaknob]

So I have extremely lovely boyfriend - whom I am deeply in love with and he is with me (or so he says). Its quite early doors (6 months) but we have been spending lots of time together and very quickly into each other iykwim. He basically lives at my place of late. Im making that point because in the past 8 years of dating I have never gotten this close this quickly and its extremely lovely. I believed he was the one tbh after quite the time looking (Im 51 - past shitbox of a marriage).

Anyway, his previous girlfriend who he told me all about. He was in love with her , but she cheated on him with her childs father, he dumped her (but took some time to get over her), and they remained in touch as 'friends' (that part I don't get cos they didn't see each other just chatted a bit on text I think), and he said she spent about a year trying to get him back. He always said he wasnt interested, and she is with someone else. She was due to get married now.

This was all I really knew and I wasn't interested cos not my business. I did think it was odd they were facebook friends but he said they barely talk so I just didn't worry, cos we spend all our time together and its all good. HOWEVER, this weekend he started telling me how she is single, the wedding didnt happen she has been posting about how devo she is, how she has been treated so badly. I asked a bit more and he showed me that she had messaged him an old lovely dovey picture of them together in June with a 'how sad' and a sad emoji. Theres been no contact since - or so it seems - but they are still friends of facebook.

It made me feel very very insecure, threatened and panicky. I went quiet, and he reacted really lovingly telling me how sorry I was, how much he loved me, he wasn't interested in her - yada yada, and that he would unfriend. I said a woman you were once in love with, and pursued you for a year, sent you a very obvious 'i want you back' message just 2 months ago and is now newly single!!!! And we were together then. I asked how he would feel if it were him, he said he would hate it. I said I would never tell someone what to do, but I do not want to EVER feel insecure and jealous again - its a hideous awful emotion and I don't deserve to feel it. I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he can do with that information what he wants. Obviously I wanted him to have unfriended and blocked her but I have checked today and they are still friends on there.

I just feel the whole thing is immature and just not something I want any part of. Im 51 ffs and Im checking someones facebook friends, its just not me, I hate it. Its put me right off tbh. I don't want to feel this teen angst knot in my stomach. Up until now, it felt like such a healthy, secure love. So different from my marriage which was awful. This has been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I just feel there is this woman out there, newly single and heartbroken, who is now going to go hellbent on pursuing my fella. And worse - he is just still facebook friends with her - and they aren't even bloody friends! I find that baffling and disrespectful. It makes me feel maybe he enjoys the attention from her? He is getting something out of it surely, because he doesn't want to be with her (allegedly). I dunno my gut is saying he wants her chasing. I really don't want a bar of this dynamic though. Apart from this, he makes me incredibly happy and I haven't felt this way in years!

So am I just completely overreacting, being a jealous knob and worrying about nothing and ruining something completely fabulous because Ive been fucked over in the past? Or is this something to worry about?

TIA

This may or may not be true, but it is hardly giving you space. It’s the opposite of that.

You asked for space. He’s not giving it so take it yourself. Turn off notifications, mute him , whatever. You are walking into another abusive relationship ( already there ). You need to step back to be able to see this.

Yeh I just did it anyway, I still am. Ive still texted him a bit - not as much - but Im having time to myself until tomorrow.

He clearly doesn't get it, but I will be telling him tomorrow that one of my boundaries is that he doesn't do something that is clearly going to upset me and/or be disrespectful to our relationship. Being fb friends with an ex is a bad idea anyway i think, but her sending him something soppy 3 months ago and him not removing her then is not ok. I will be telling him I expect him to be proactive in protecting our relationship and my feelings not reactive. He feels he has done nothing wrong because he blocked her once I got upset. It shouldn't have gotten to the point where I got upset. Thats what I will be telling him.

OP. You don't tell people your boundaries. You just enforce them. They're not boundaries otherwise.

And truly, I really get it. There must be some magic words or ideas that if communicated would surely make him go back to the lovely guy you fell in love with.

There's not. If he was really lovely, he wouldn't need you to explain this to him. Eventually, you'll meet a man who respects your boundaries and you'll see how different it is.

Agreed. If you want space. That message is way too long and has too many challenges in it that he's going to want to defend. Save some of those points for future debates, when you are not to wrung out.

That's the point really.. this whole thing has exhausted you so much you just want a bit of peace - so just say that.

BF... I'm sorry but I've found these past weeks have left me utterly exhausted and I really just need a bit of space for a while and time to regain my equilibrium. I hope you understand.

This whole situation is ENTIRELY OF HIS MAKING. He could have sorted this out at the outset. He has chosen not to. What was he playing at?

I also think that he completely over reacted early on in your relationship when you had an issue with your DC and he went on about not tolerating being ghosted... now your'e scared to ask for space. But you are allowed to withdraw from tense upsetting situations. (and dare I say it - mind games) You are allowed not to have a BF practically move in with you and take up all your time and attention.

You yourself and your DC have the priority for your time and attention!

OP. Just seen your update. If you really want space for a few days.
Take it.
Stop texting him... that's the same just saying
"Give me Space." "Not really, here's a text, please answer."

Texting when you've asked for space is just demonstrating that you don't mean what you say.

Well I asked for physical space, cos that is what I wanted. I didn't mind communicating by text a little.

What bugs me the most is he's always banging on about his boundaries etc, which is attractive to me - but what about mine?

I also really didn't like the way he said, 'I wont take being shut out'. I find that language threatening. I could have responded aggressively with 'well i wont take being mugged off' but I didn't.

I also didn't like how when he said hed done nothing wrong and I said I dont agree, he said 'well we have a problem don't we'.

I just find it quite black and white/right and wrong/strong tone when the goal should be making sure the other is ok, not passing blame etc. I think he thinks this makes him strong and firm. I think it makes him a dick.

Very very early days when we were exclusive, I went quiet (cos of a family drama) which wasn't cool I know, but I didn't know how so early on to share without being dramatic. Anyway, I didn't respond to him for a day and a half - that was it - and when I did I apologised, said Id had some drama to deal with, and he said he valued consistency, wouldn't accept that and he had now gone back on dating sites. We worked it out (I feel cos of me), and he still to this day thinks he didn the right thing, I had 'disappeared' so he was justified.

Im a good communicator in disagreements, Im always the bloody bigger person, and I can see that Im gonna have to be with this guy too, and I dont want to.

If I wasn't the way I am wed be over now. I don't want to the bloody therapist for every disagreement. Sick of that shit.

Hmmmm …. Don’t like the way he said he went back on dating sites cause he hadn’t heard from you , annoyed, so he wanted to torment you ..
Not a good trait to have OP …

I agree. Totally a punishment wasn't it. It really pissed me off at the time. It was a long time ago now, but I thought it was totally unreasonable. He still thinks he did nothing wrong.

OP he will NEVER think he did anything wrong… it will ALWAYS be your fault somehow and you will spend so much time trying just that little bit harder to be a little bit better and he will just keep being himself and trampling over your needs and happiness.
You thought he was a good guy, he’s showing you that he isn’t.
You deserve to be happy and have peace in your life and you won’t get either with him x

He still comes across as aggressive and controlling. I'm glad you're starting to see it.

How long you say you two are together OP again ?

What bugs me the most is he's always banging on about his boundaries etc, which is attractive to me - but what about mine?

So he understands boundaries... but not yours?

Also are you sure these are boundaries he's constantly banging on about.. do you think your behaviour actually deserves this level of boundary setting.

A PP said that maybe all these boundaries... are actually instructions for how you should behave..

Always saying you must be more consistent - sounds like a school report! Do you actually merit this amount of telling off and correction from someone who always insists they have done nothing wrong?

6 months.

I think you ignored your first red flag, OP.

Didn't that put you off? Those early signs, how someone responds to you saying no or a disagreement, show so much about a person.

Oh ..
I don’t know is he coming across as a little controlling, “ I won’t accept this & I won’t accept that “ ..Like I said , the quip about going back on old & felt he was completely right in saying it makes him sound like a dick .. As though he thinks , you’ve pissed me off , I’ll put you back in your place ..
You explained why you weren’t in contact, he should have accepted that & nicely said , “ oh , if anything like that happens again , will you just send me a quick text to say you’re ok & you’ll be in touch “ , not reacted the way he did ..

OP, you have gotten yourself into another controlling abusive relationship with a twat.

He knows exactly what he is doing.
He's a loser and you are walking into a total dram a mess with a twat.

He said he felt Id disappeared and was no longer interested, so he went back on the sites. He said it wasn't a punishment he genuinely thought I was gone and he was gutted. He did say please don't do that again, and I apologised loads and agreed with him that it wasn't good and I would just tell him if i needed spade. Cut to now and I did that, and he got all stroppy again.

This sounds really fun 🥰!

Can I come??

😊🎇🎉🍸😊

OP, I think your post - showing boundaries, asking questions, engaging with answers, and trying to see people in their totality rather than just judging them instantly - was one of the most un-15-year-old posts I've read for a while 😊.

I hope it works out really well for you and that you're happy; you've also shown the strength of character to survive brilliantly if it doesn't ❤️.

Thats so nice of you to say! Thank you.

He shouldn’t be getting stroppy with you x

I don’t think he was just communicating by text a little but putting across his view on the situation you had asked for space to reflect on, I think. Like, your brain had to engage with his view of the situation and that doesn’t give you emotional space for a breather. Someone does not have to be in close proximity to you to take over your space because space can be emotional as well as physical. You said no to physical proximity so he made sure he was still manipulating your thoughts emotionally to focus on his side of the story. That’s what I meant by not giving you space.

Regarding the day and a half to go back on dating sites, I think what that says to you is ‘I will abandon you if you don’t make yourself available to me 24/7’ , which is kind of the same message as ‘well, I know you said you wanted space to reflect BUT here is my side so forget whatever you think yourself, this is my side and some more my side and yes your thoughts are not valid because of my side’.

Like, I know it’s hard to see when you are in it and you want everything to be fine, but this is what control looks like. You are not allowed to have your own stuff to deal with and your own thoughts which he might not be part of - like he said, he won’t tolerate this. Who is he to actually state that? Seriously?