Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

[amibeingaknob]

So I have extremely lovely boyfriend - whom I am deeply in love with and he is with me (or so he says). Its quite early doors (6 months) but we have been spending lots of time together and very quickly into each other iykwim. He basically lives at my place of late. Im making that point because in the past 8 years of dating I have never gotten this close this quickly and its extremely lovely. I believed he was the one tbh after quite the time looking (Im 51 - past shitbox of a marriage).

Anyway, his previous girlfriend who he told me all about. He was in love with her , but she cheated on him with her childs father, he dumped her (but took some time to get over her), and they remained in touch as 'friends' (that part I don't get cos they didn't see each other just chatted a bit on text I think), and he said she spent about a year trying to get him back. He always said he wasnt interested, and she is with someone else. She was due to get married now.

This was all I really knew and I wasn't interested cos not my business. I did think it was odd they were facebook friends but he said they barely talk so I just didn't worry, cos we spend all our time together and its all good. HOWEVER, this weekend he started telling me how she is single, the wedding didnt happen she has been posting about how devo she is, how she has been treated so badly. I asked a bit more and he showed me that she had messaged him an old lovely dovey picture of them together in June with a 'how sad' and a sad emoji. Theres been no contact since - or so it seems - but they are still friends of facebook.

It made me feel very very insecure, threatened and panicky. I went quiet, and he reacted really lovingly telling me how sorry I was, how much he loved me, he wasn't interested in her - yada yada, and that he would unfriend. I said a woman you were once in love with, and pursued you for a year, sent you a very obvious 'i want you back' message just 2 months ago and is now newly single!!!! And we were together then. I asked how he would feel if it were him, he said he would hate it. I said I would never tell someone what to do, but I do not want to EVER feel insecure and jealous again - its a hideous awful emotion and I don't deserve to feel it. I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he can do with that information what he wants. Obviously I wanted him to have unfriended and blocked her but I have checked today and they are still friends on there.

I just feel the whole thing is immature and just not something I want any part of. Im 51 ffs and Im checking someones facebook friends, its just not me, I hate it. Its put me right off tbh. I don't want to feel this teen angst knot in my stomach. Up until now, it felt like such a healthy, secure love. So different from my marriage which was awful. This has been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I just feel there is this woman out there, newly single and heartbroken, who is now going to go hellbent on pursuing my fella. And worse - he is just still facebook friends with her - and they aren't even bloody friends! I find that baffling and disrespectful. It makes me feel maybe he enjoys the attention from her? He is getting something out of it surely, because he doesn't want to be with her (allegedly). I dunno my gut is saying he wants her chasing. I really don't want a bar of this dynamic though. Apart from this, he makes me incredibly happy and I haven't felt this way in years!

So am I just completely overreacting, being a jealous knob and worrying about nothing and ruining something completely fabulous because Ive been fucked over in the past? Or is this something to worry about?

TIA

Wow, he didn't just send a text along the lines of "Hey, is everything okay?" That would have prompted you to send a quick "All fine, just dealing with something unexpected - will be in touch in a day or two." Instead, without even taking time to ask what was going on, he made an assumption, didn't reality check it, and then effectively ended the relationship himself by looking for someone else? Not mature behaviour, more like a knee jerk angry response. Plus he kept in touch with an ex who cheated on him, posted your photo/s to FB against your will (was that his way of getting back at her approach - like too childish to just block her or tell her 'not happening'?), showed you her message and then played innocent (I might have the chronology wrong)? He sounds like he has a need to punish women, play them off against each other, and/or always have a back-up plan. The more I read here, the more inclined I am to agree with others (which I didn't at first).

It looks to me like he showed you his true colours early on.

All the wasted time and energy on… something that was rotten.

OP, hoping you are enjoying having more head space! @amibeingaknob

But your mother and father have not been through the relationship trauma you have, so their self-preservation mechanisms will be on less of a hair trigger.

Besides, have you ever asked them explicitly if they’ve ever felt jealous? We’ve been married for 30 years but it’s been much more of a rollercoaster than we are ever likely to tell our children.

Is it really fair that when you trigger him (Brosnan etc.) his feelings are his own to fix but when he triggers you, your feelings are his to fix?

Anyway @amibeingaknob it’s been a month and I’m interested to hear how this all panned out, if you have time and inclination for an update?

Thanks for asking moderate. Well we actually live together now. We went on a big holiday after this incident where we talked and talked and talked about this incident (which seems soooo long ago now), and we just had the best time together. We are very happy. In a nutshell, what I learnt is he is quite fixed in his thinking and he knows he has to be less rigid. He has totally owned that and I tease him about it, but he gets scared. When I get scared I withdraw because I avoid confrontation and I don't want to talk. I think on reflection, that early time in a relationship is so insecure when you've fallen head over heels quickly you just are so paranoid the rug is going to be pulled at any point. We both felt like that, and our insecurities showed in different ways. Now we are so committed and secure with each other things are honestly just wonderful. We get on brilliantly and have so much fun together, its bliss tbh. I feel like pinching myself sometimes.
Probably get a pile-on now from those who think a 51 year old woman shouldn't be madly in love and living with a partner after 7.5 months. I have no kids at home, and if it didn't work out i'll be just fine.

Is it really fair that when you trigger him (Brosnan etc.) his feelings are his own to fix but when he triggers you, your feelings are his to fix?

Funnily enough that is something Ive had to work on. He gets jealous by things like that, or me being super friendly to men (he says people are hitting on me but I don't see it), or talking about exes. I respect that now, I don't want him feeling jealous, and he doesnt want me feeling jealous so we protect each other. Ive gotten jealous about mad things - jealousy isnt always logical is it. So we now are uber protective of each others feelings in that regard.

He hates it if I go quiet or 'want space' Ive said I need that to reflect and calm down so I don't explode and say something I regret - i need that time to process so I don't go on the attack. We've agreed I will do that but just for a few hours, not days on end. I mean I can't now cos we live together of course, but before then.

I just think we worked on what each of us feels and needs, and now we seem to have it sorted. Both of our needs are met now. Long may it continue, and if it doesn't I think we'd be able to talk about things without drama and see each others perspective.

I’m so happy to hear you’re so happy @amibeingaknob! It sounds like you have a very healthy relationship, and I wish you two lifetimes of happiness in it.

Awww thanks moderate.

What a lovely update. I certainly don’t think you’re too old or young to be moving in with your partner after 6/7months. If no kids are involved then why would you not if you’re both so happy. I wish you a long and happy life.

Thank you Calamitousness. I don't either. When you know you know - especially when you are ancient like me! lol. Also, tbh, hes moved into my place so hes the one that has the most to lose. As he said though, everything is a risk, and its one worth taking. We were pretty much inseparable so it just made sense as he was never at his! Hes so so lovely - when I read back over this this morning I can't believe i nearly bolted over something so daft.

I love when I read these stories 🙌 ☺️..
I also wish you & your partner a lifetime of health & happiness x..
I hope I find what you’ve found 🤞.
I’m 50 In a few weeks ,& still haven’t found my person ..
Lots of dating done but never the right guy , separated 10 years.
I feel it gets harder as you get older, but then who knows hey 🤷🏻‍♀️
X

Missj25 Oh I hear you! Believe me I was exactly the same. I had had what I thought was my last date it was that bad. I just couldn't face OLD anymore, and I never met anyone in real life. I really had ruled my BF out for a number of reasons, but I finally agreed to a date and thought fuck it! Im so so pleased I did.

(it was his age, profession, and the fact he had children that ruled him out for me). But we got on so so well on message I just thought Id try.