Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

[amibeingaknob]

So I have extremely lovely boyfriend - whom I am deeply in love with and he is with me (or so he says). Its quite early doors (6 months) but we have been spending lots of time together and very quickly into each other iykwim. He basically lives at my place of late. Im making that point because in the past 8 years of dating I have never gotten this close this quickly and its extremely lovely. I believed he was the one tbh after quite the time looking (Im 51 - past shitbox of a marriage).

Anyway, his previous girlfriend who he told me all about. He was in love with her , but she cheated on him with her childs father, he dumped her (but took some time to get over her), and they remained in touch as 'friends' (that part I don't get cos they didn't see each other just chatted a bit on text I think), and he said she spent about a year trying to get him back. He always said he wasnt interested, and she is with someone else. She was due to get married now.

This was all I really knew and I wasn't interested cos not my business. I did think it was odd they were facebook friends but he said they barely talk so I just didn't worry, cos we spend all our time together and its all good. HOWEVER, this weekend he started telling me how she is single, the wedding didnt happen she has been posting about how devo she is, how she has been treated so badly. I asked a bit more and he showed me that she had messaged him an old lovely dovey picture of them together in June with a 'how sad' and a sad emoji. Theres been no contact since - or so it seems - but they are still friends of facebook.

It made me feel very very insecure, threatened and panicky. I went quiet, and he reacted really lovingly telling me how sorry I was, how much he loved me, he wasn't interested in her - yada yada, and that he would unfriend. I said a woman you were once in love with, and pursued you for a year, sent you a very obvious 'i want you back' message just 2 months ago and is now newly single!!!! And we were together then. I asked how he would feel if it were him, he said he would hate it. I said I would never tell someone what to do, but I do not want to EVER feel insecure and jealous again - its a hideous awful emotion and I don't deserve to feel it. I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he can do with that information what he wants. Obviously I wanted him to have unfriended and blocked her but I have checked today and they are still friends on there.

I just feel the whole thing is immature and just not something I want any part of. Im 51 ffs and Im checking someones facebook friends, its just not me, I hate it. Its put me right off tbh. I don't want to feel this teen angst knot in my stomach. Up until now, it felt like such a healthy, secure love. So different from my marriage which was awful. This has been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I just feel there is this woman out there, newly single and heartbroken, who is now going to go hellbent on pursuing my fella. And worse - he is just still facebook friends with her - and they aren't even bloody friends! I find that baffling and disrespectful. It makes me feel maybe he enjoys the attention from her? He is getting something out of it surely, because he doesn't want to be with her (allegedly). I dunno my gut is saying he wants her chasing. I really don't want a bar of this dynamic though. Apart from this, he makes me incredibly happy and I haven't felt this way in years!

So am I just completely overreacting, being a jealous knob and worrying about nothing and ruining something completely fabulous because Ive been fucked over in the past? Or is this something to worry about?

TIA

You’re just so sensible ..
Everything is black & white in your world ..
Well it’s not in Mine & I’ve a feeling same goes for OP ..

OP if you didn’t live in OZ , & me in Ireland , we could meet up & make bad decisions together 😂 😂

@amibeingaknob but there is a massive gap between “not perfect” and “acting like a dick and maintaining an emotional connection with an ex for months on end”.

He is, I’m assuming, a man in his fifties, he has a past and he needs time to consider his actions. It seems to me he has done that now and has decided to put her behind him once and for all. Although the whole thing has been played as somewhat dramatic on here, I suspect it has been less so in real life. Relationships in your fifties are never without some things from the past muddying the waters. We all have a past which can raise its head from time to time, talking about it and being completely transparent is the only way to deal with it. I think the people saying ‘run’ are being premature. Him being in your home a lot of the time is nice, I think it’s probably more along the lines of you’re both enjoying each others company rather than moving in and love bombing. So long as this is now dealt with and things calm down to a steady pace you’ll be fine. Good luck to you both.

It’s more that I’m wondering why someone in their fifties with years of life experience would want to have any kind of relationship with a man like this. I just genuinely don’t understand it 😬

Haha I live in the UK - but Im half aussie - so you're on!

I just think there is a lot of talk when people are older/middle-aged like me like we can't have deep feelings - good and bad, or behave a bit insecure or dickish sometimes or react non-sensibly at all. Like at 51 you absolutely must have all your shit together and behave at all times like a sensible robot. And whoever you are with must also be that way and if they do anything wrong they get the boot.

Thats all im saying. Im far from perfect, I think the older i get the less grown up I feel and the less I feel i have it all figured out at all. And when was passion and love only for teens, and if older people feel it they are just being completely ridiculous idiots! This is my second chapter in life, I want to spend the rest of it either with the love of my life or single with all my brilliant mates. Apparently that makes me a complete knob. Well Id rather be a knob then.

In all this, you only have his word on what happened previously with this woman. I don't understand why a person would stay Facebook friends with someone who cheated on them??!!!! My ex cheated on me, we are not Facebook friends, we don't have any contact with each other, in person, online or via phone/text!!! Especially, as in my case, we have no children together, so no ties! If she cheated on your boyfriend with her child's Dad, why is she sending your partner lovey-dovey pictures of her and your partner???!! A person would have to have some brass neck on them to do that, given the circumstances!!!! My gut feeling is perhaps, your partner may not have been honest with you.

@amibeingaknob I’m 58 and I feel like that too. I am far from having my shit together, in fact I feel much less like that than I did in my 40’s. My dc are at the point of leaving home, one has gone and the other goes off to uni next week and spends most of her time with her boyfriend anyway, I have more time to think of myself and a lot of the time I have no idea what I want. What has also now raised its head is that I want some fun and passion, I feel much more of a teenager than I have for years, lol. DH and I parted 2 years ago, in a shitstorm of a break up, but we’re back together now, it may be completely the wrong thing to do but we’re so loved up and passionate about each other. We’re riding motorbikes and acting like kids again, it’s marvellous. Yes, we can be sensible and mature at the drop of a hat and we have spent hours talking about what lead to our break up, but outside of those times we just want to be happy. I don’t want to just fade away and do the sensible stuff.

Oh Im so pleased you got that spark back. Its so so important isnt it. The illusive spark! I spent a decade trying to find it, and dated many men and even just been with people hoping it would come and it didn't. And now I have it. In spades. Its addictive i wont lie. Id just stopped fancying people and feeling nothing during kissing and sex before. Now I can't keep my hands off him, and we are very cuddly all the time its not jsut sex. And we spend hours and hours, just talking and laughing until the middle of the night sometimes. Its lovely.

It sounds like you’ve rushed headfirst into a relationship with a man you barely know and now the reality is starting to come through.

Hes either still got a thing for her or he loves the drama and attention - neither which is attractive in a middle aged man old enough to know better.

Is this the life you really want at your time of life?

I agree. If its the latter, I have to work out if I can get past it, or if its just too much ick. I don't think its worth of convo. He already said he 'wasn't aware what she was up to' with the regards the pic. That just pissed me off. Hes trying to make out SHE'S the problem in this. She isn't. Its him.

There has been talk about how your ex treated you and that you have discussed this in-depth with your current partner. In my opinion that exposes your vulnerabilities rather than empowers you. If you have had therapy, that's great. You've worked on yourself and you should also have installed your own new boundaries of what your expectations are. No negotiation. No partner needs to know what (hell) you had to go through to reach that stage. At least not in that 'honeymoon stage' while you are still getting to know each other.

By discussing the issues in your past relationship, you're not giving yourself the chance to move on.
Men who don't have the best intentions literally prey on women who show their insecurities. His actions so far haven't exactly reassured you. (By your own admittance)

You haven't seen any messages since the last time his ex sent him a photo of the two of them. Playing devil's advocate, he could have just deleted them.

Anyway, I genuinely wish you all the best and I hope it all works out!

I’m
49 & looking for what you guys have 🙌..
Just can’t meet the right guy 🤷🏻‍♀️
lots of dating over the years , but just never the right one, & i won’t settle , hopefully sometime soon 🤞☺️..

I hate the way when we’re a certain age we’re expected to have it altogether, & always be capable of making the right decisions, when truthfully somethings we’re still just figuring it out ..
I have it together with my kids , work…you know what I mean ..
I’m young at heart though , & there’s nothing wrong with that either 😊

This is entirely possible in my opinion. As I say to every woman and girl, do the Freedom Programme. Regardless of whether you are single, in a relationship, whether he’s a decent man or not.

I want to have a few days break from him. I want to do this maturely, without upsetting him, but make it clear I just need a bit of space because this has unsettled me and I need to reflect.

I went quiet in the early days and he got very very upset, he thought Id ghosted him, and he was very firm that he won't tolerate that. Totally fair enough, so I wont just go quiet, and thats really not on anyway. But I dont want a big drama either.

Can you guys help me write something short and sweet but not too dramatic and overly emotional?

Bare in mind our norm over the past few weeks has become texting several times a day and spending most nights together. So its kinda a big deal. We have a party we are going to Saturday, so I could just have the rest of the week to ponder. I think ive rushed in too quick and need some space.

Everyone ia going to come with baggage past 40. Long term exes, children, sick parents, crazy exes, marriage/s. And most people don't wipe out their past lives for their new at this agem if tou have shared 20 years with someone, don't hate them but grew apart, then there is no need to wipe them from your life evennwih a new partner. If he wants to be with you, he will be with you no matter what she says to him.

Honestly, I would never tell a man that his actions / behaviour made me feel insecure or jealous….I might say I didn’t like it but I personally never let a man know he had power over me, if they know they have the ability to make you feel insecure and jealous they have power over you that they could abuse…..it’s not game playing, in my opinion it’s being wise, and no, I have never been in an abusive relationship

Totally agree. Yes discuss feelings and emotions but never give him ammunition by telling him he’s made you feel vulnerable or insecure. It’s like telling someone your weak spots they can use against you

Precisely

I don't think you're necessarily wrong to feel jealous. But the bit that worries me is "I don't deserve to feel jealous"

Sometimes, that's on us, in this situation perhaps he didn't need to show you the message, but it sounds like he didn't respond and was open about it, so I'm not sure what he needed to apologise. Forcing partners to block other people that they have platonic relationships with is a bit of a red flag from your end tbh as it "it's ok cos we spend all our time together". You shouldn't need someone in your sight 24/7 to know they aren't cheating.

I agree with this. You can't police someone else's friendships (physical or virtual). I'm FB friends with a number of exes, as is my DP. I don't see the problem unless you have a specific concern with a particular person.

In the case of this woman it sounds as if she's a complete drama queen and one of these women who can't bear to be single so has to have men in reserve.

I think the fact that he's been open about it is a good sign unless he's he's goading you with it and using it to make you jealous.

But its less likely to cause a row isn't it? Less accusationary, because you are saying, calmly, this made me feel this way. Rather than 'i do not like that behaviour'. I feel if i start like that it immediately makes the person defensive.

It shouldn’t be a big deal, regardless of how much time you spend together. You worrying about this, and what to say is another red flag.

Simply say that you need a bit of physical, and mental space. The issues around the FB thing threw you a bit, so you are wanting a rest. Say you will see him at the weekend ( if you want to clearly ). Clarify you don’t want to continue, or him to continue the discussion.
His response will be telling.

He should do as you wish with good grace. If he ignores, hectors or issues you with any ultimatums, he is indeed a wrong un.

His jealousy is the red flag I would not ignore. In time it will turn into accusations of YOU flirting/having an affair. I guarantee it. This kind of behaviour is ALWAYS a red flag. Good luck with it all. You sound decent and you DO deserve a decent man. Not sure this one is.

Honestly to me the red flag is practically living together after six months. When I have done that previously in a relationship, I have seen in retrospect I have been love bombed and there was not a genuine foundation for the relationship.
I would go way more slowly now.
I think you don’t really know someone after six months, you are over invested in who they are FB friends with and the reason you feel 15 years old is because this is not secure.