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Original poster

Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

237 replies

amibeingaknob · 08/09/2025 13:41

So I have extremely lovely boyfriend - whom I am deeply in love with and he is with me (or so he says). Its quite early doors (6 months) but we have been spending lots of time together and very quickly into each other iykwim. He basically lives at my place of late. Im making that point because in the past 8 years of dating I have never gotten this close this quickly and its extremely lovely. I believed he was the one tbh after quite the time looking (Im 51 - past shitbox of a marriage).

Anyway, his previous girlfriend who he told me all about. He was in love with her , but she cheated on him with her childs father, he dumped her (but took some time to get over her), and they remained in touch as 'friends' (that part I don't get cos they didn't see each other just chatted a bit on text I think), and he said she spent about a year trying to get him back. He always said he wasnt interested, and she is with someone else. She was due to get married now.

This was all I really knew and I wasn't interested cos not my business. I did think it was odd they were facebook friends but he said they barely talk so I just didn't worry, cos we spend all our time together and its all good. HOWEVER, this weekend he started telling me how she is single, the wedding didnt happen she has been posting about how devo she is, how she has been treated so badly. I asked a bit more and he showed me that she had messaged him an old lovely dovey picture of them together in June with a 'how sad' and a sad emoji. Theres been no contact since - or so it seems - but they are still friends of facebook.

It made me feel very very insecure, threatened and panicky. I went quiet, and he reacted really lovingly telling me how sorry I was, how much he loved me, he wasn't interested in her - yada yada, and that he would unfriend. I said a woman you were once in love with, and pursued you for a year, sent you a very obvious 'i want you back' message just 2 months ago and is now newly single!!!! And we were together then. I asked how he would feel if it were him, he said he would hate it. I said I would never tell someone what to do, but I do not want to EVER feel insecure and jealous again - its a hideous awful emotion and I don't deserve to feel it. I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he can do with that information what he wants. Obviously I wanted him to have unfriended and blocked her but I have checked today and they are still friends on there.

I just feel the whole thing is immature and just not something I want any part of. Im 51 ffs and Im checking someones facebook friends, its just not me, I hate it. Its put me right off tbh. I don't want to feel this teen angst knot in my stomach. Up until now, it felt like such a healthy, secure love. So different from my marriage which was awful. This has been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I just feel there is this woman out there, newly single and heartbroken, who is now going to go hellbent on pursuing my fella. And worse - he is just still facebook friends with her - and they aren't even bloody friends! I find that baffling and disrespectful. It makes me feel maybe he enjoys the attention from her? He is getting something out of it surely, because he doesn't want to be with her (allegedly). I dunno my gut is saying he wants her chasing. I really don't want a bar of this dynamic though. Apart from this, he makes me incredibly happy and I haven't felt this way in years!

So am I just completely overreacting, being a jealous knob and worrying about nothing and ruining something completely fabulous because Ive been fucked over in the past? Or is this something to worry about?

TIA

OP posts:
TalulaHalulah · 09/09/2025 12:52

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 12:10

I want to have a few days break from him. I want to do this maturely, without upsetting him, but make it clear I just need a bit of space because this has unsettled me and I need to reflect.

I went quiet in the early days and he got very very upset, he thought Id ghosted him, and he was very firm that he won't tolerate that. Totally fair enough, so I wont just go quiet, and thats really not on anyway. But I dont want a big drama either.

Can you guys help me write something short and sweet but not too dramatic and overly emotional?

Sorry but I also think this is a red flag.
you are allowed to want space.
you are not married and you are not living together and he does not own you or your time.
why not just say you need a few days peace and quiet and you will look forward to seeing him (when you plan to see him).
And if he kicks off or does anything other than leave you alone, bin him off.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 12:53

Pastaandoranges · 09/09/2025 12:13

Everyone ia going to come with baggage past 40. Long term exes, children, sick parents, crazy exes, marriage/s. And most people don't wipe out their past lives for their new at this agem if tou have shared 20 years with someone, don't hate them but grew apart, then there is no need to wipe them from your life evennwih a new partner. If he wants to be with you, he will be with you no matter what she says to him.

Yes, everyone has a past but that doesn’t mean you have to let it get in the way of your current situation. Adults do have a responsibility to deal with their baggage appropriately - it’s not the job of your new partner to have to do that for you.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 12:56

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 12:10

I want to have a few days break from him. I want to do this maturely, without upsetting him, but make it clear I just need a bit of space because this has unsettled me and I need to reflect.

I went quiet in the early days and he got very very upset, he thought Id ghosted him, and he was very firm that he won't tolerate that. Totally fair enough, so I wont just go quiet, and thats really not on anyway. But I dont want a big drama either.

Can you guys help me write something short and sweet but not too dramatic and overly emotional?

I hate to be that poster but 🚩🚩🚩🚩

Come on, OP - wise up.

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 13:02

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 12:10

I want to have a few days break from him. I want to do this maturely, without upsetting him, but make it clear I just need a bit of space because this has unsettled me and I need to reflect.

I went quiet in the early days and he got very very upset, he thought Id ghosted him, and he was very firm that he won't tolerate that. Totally fair enough, so I wont just go quiet, and thats really not on anyway. But I dont want a big drama either.

Can you guys help me write something short and sweet but not too dramatic and overly emotional?

What do you mean ‘he won’t tolerate’ you going quiet? Who is he to make demands on you wanting time to yourself?

Honestly why are you trying yourself into a pretzel to avoid any sort of direct conversation with him just to avoid conflict? If you can’t have those sort of conversations without reading on eggshells, then he’s not the one.

It’s only been 6 months - is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 13:03

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 12:56

I hate to be that poster but 🚩🚩🚩🚩

Come on, OP - wise up.

Show quote history

Agree. He already seems to have trained the OP to tread on eggshells

More red flags than a communist party parade on Putins birthday

Someone2025 · 09/09/2025 13:13

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 12:40

But its less likely to cause a row isn't it? Less accusationary, because you are saying, calmly, this made me feel this way. Rather than 'i do not like that behaviour'. I feel if i start like that it immediately makes the person defensive.

Show quote history

I disagree, I won’t give another person power over me just to avoid having an argument, there are other ways to convey your annoyance with something, your DP now knows he has the ability to make you feel insecure, that is knowledge that could be very much abused

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 13:23

Someone2025 · 09/09/2025 13:13

I disagree, I won’t give another person power over me just to avoid having an argument, there are other ways to convey your annoyance with something, your DP now knows he has the ability to make you feel insecure, that is knowledge that could be very much abused

Show quote history

Ok what would you say to him then if you were me?

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 09/09/2025 13:44

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 13:23

Ok what would you say to him then if you were me?

Show quote history

Fwiw, I think Someone is talking nonsense, and feel no healthy relationship could survive that level of paranoia and cynicism.

You could only be abused by someone ‘having that power over you’ if you allow them to persistently use it.
If you don’t open up and make yourself vulnerable with someone you’re in a relationship with, it all becomes very ‘not real’ and transactional. Yuck.

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 14:05

Swiftie1878 · 09/09/2025 13:44

Fwiw, I think Someone is talking nonsense, and feel no healthy relationship could survive that level of paranoia and cynicism.

You could only be abused by someone ‘having that power over you’ if you allow them to persistently use it.
If you don’t open up and make yourself vulnerable with someone you’re in a relationship with, it all becomes very ‘not real’ and transactional. Yuck.

Show quote history

There’s a huge difference between being open and shoeing vulnerability compared to telling someone they’re making you feel vulnerable and insecure imo.

The former is absolutely normal and healthy, the latter really isn’t.

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 14:05

Swiftie1878 · 09/09/2025 13:44

Fwiw, I think Someone is talking nonsense, and feel no healthy relationship could survive that level of paranoia and cynicism.

You could only be abused by someone ‘having that power over you’ if you allow them to persistently use it.
If you don’t open up and make yourself vulnerable with someone you’re in a relationship with, it all becomes very ‘not real’ and transactional. Yuck.

Show quote history

I couldn't agree more. Ill be arsed if I am going to pretend what someone does doesn't hurt me. I will tell them. And what they choose to do with that information is telling isn't it.

OP posts:
Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 14:06

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 14:05

There’s a huge difference between being open and shoeing vulnerability compared to telling someone they’re making you feel vulnerable and insecure imo.

The former is absolutely normal and healthy, the latter really isn’t.

Show quote history

please expand on this, i really genuinely don't get it. im open to learning though.

OP posts:
Someone2025 · 09/09/2025 14:33

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 13:23

Ok what would you say to him then if you were me?

Show quote history

I would ask him why he is was still connected to a woman who cheated on him and treated him badly to start with…..I would have put it over to him as he and his actions caused the issue, you made it more about you and how you felt / your emotions / what he had done to you

Missj25 · 09/09/2025 15:03

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 13:02

What do you mean ‘he won’t tolerate’ you going quiet? Who is he to make demands on you wanting time to yourself?

Honestly why are you trying yourself into a pretzel to avoid any sort of direct conversation with him just to avoid conflict? If you can’t have those sort of conversations without reading on eggshells, then he’s not the one.

It’s only been 6 months - is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

Show quote history

OP said in the early days , she obviously means she wasn’t responding to messages or whatever , bf thought she was ghosting him ..
I wouldn’t tolerate it either !
You start seeing someone & they contact you when they feel like it or respond when they feel like it ..
Communication is a 2 way street

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 15:05

Yeah we'd been texting several times a day, and I was just having a hard time with one of my kids and went quite for like a day and a half. He was upset, cos I hadn't said that I needed space. He was very clear he wouldn't tolerate that. Didn't shout or anything just said consistency is important to him and if i feel i need time away for whatever reason just tell him and thats cool. I respected that. It was early days so I didn't want to be all dramatic telling him my woes, so i just turned my phone off. Wrong call, and I apologised. So thats all i meant.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 09/09/2025 15:53

TwistedWonder · 09/09/2025 14:05

There’s a huge difference between being open and shoeing vulnerability compared to telling someone they’re making you feel vulnerable and insecure imo.

The former is absolutely normal and healthy, the latter really isn’t.

Show quote history

I don’t agree, but am interested to hear why you think that.

BuckChuckets · 09/09/2025 16:27

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 15:05

Yeah we'd been texting several times a day, and I was just having a hard time with one of my kids and went quite for like a day and a half. He was upset, cos I hadn't said that I needed space. He was very clear he wouldn't tolerate that. Didn't shout or anything just said consistency is important to him and if i feel i need time away for whatever reason just tell him and thats cool. I respected that. It was early days so I didn't want to be all dramatic telling him my woes, so i just turned my phone off. Wrong call, and I apologised. So thats all i meant.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

BuckChuckets · 09/09/2025 16:28

"Early days" and he was already instructing you how to behave so as not to disappoint him.

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 17:13

Help me edit this please. Too much? not enough? Be gentle with me, Im actually quite upset now. I have realised this all came up on sunday night and hes been here or ive been in work. Today ive barely worked and Ive finally had a chance to really think it through. I am a huge overthinker though....

"Ive had time today to reflect over what’s gone down and it just doesn’t sit right with me, I tried to bury it but last night and this morning felt ‘off’. You know (and I thought you felt the same) that consistency, calm, security, feeling safe, all deeply matter to me. I thought we were in a love bubble that we were trying to make impenetrable. What has gone down isn’t her fault – you cant say ‘you didn’t know her game’ and ‘she isn’t going to ruin it’ – I don’t care about her or anyone else. Its about you. She owes me nothing. Someone who cheated on you, who actively pursues you, who really wasn’t your ‘friend’, you allowed access to you. That’s not respectful to ‘us’ or yourself tbh. Your motivation – which is either you wanted the attention, you wanted to make her jealous with me, or you want to make me jealous, or you want to keep that door open – is one thing (and none of which cover you in glory). The other is you weren’t protecting ‘us’. And you weren’t protecting me and my feelings. Ive felt hugely secure, happy, and calm with you. Which is what I need and crave. Now for the past couple of days I have felt insecure, confused and mugged off and wondering what the point of all that even was, and if I know you at all. It’s not cool and I deserve way way better.
What it has highlighted to me is I very very much need to calm my farm and slow things down with you. Because really I just don’t really know you at all."

OP posts:
Megifer · 09/09/2025 17:19

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 17:13

Help me edit this please. Too much? not enough? Be gentle with me, Im actually quite upset now. I have realised this all came up on sunday night and hes been here or ive been in work. Today ive barely worked and Ive finally had a chance to really think it through. I am a huge overthinker though....

"Ive had time today to reflect over what’s gone down and it just doesn’t sit right with me, I tried to bury it but last night and this morning felt ‘off’. You know (and I thought you felt the same) that consistency, calm, security, feeling safe, all deeply matter to me. I thought we were in a love bubble that we were trying to make impenetrable. What has gone down isn’t her fault – you cant say ‘you didn’t know her game’ and ‘she isn’t going to ruin it’ – I don’t care about her or anyone else. Its about you. She owes me nothing. Someone who cheated on you, who actively pursues you, who really wasn’t your ‘friend’, you allowed access to you. That’s not respectful to ‘us’ or yourself tbh. Your motivation – which is either you wanted the attention, you wanted to make her jealous with me, or you want to make me jealous, or you want to keep that door open – is one thing (and none of which cover you in glory). The other is you weren’t protecting ‘us’. And you weren’t protecting me and my feelings. Ive felt hugely secure, happy, and calm with you. Which is what I need and crave. Now for the past couple of days I have felt insecure, confused and mugged off and wondering what the point of all that even was, and if I know you at all. It’s not cool and I deserve way way better.
What it has highlighted to me is I very very much need to calm my farm and slow things down with you. Because really I just don’t really know you at all."

Edited

He likely won't understand a lot of that op.

a short "i need a few days space" will be fine and if he respects that, then possibly the red flags might be coming down.

MsPavlichenko · 09/09/2025 17:19

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 17:13

Help me edit this please. Too much? not enough? Be gentle with me, Im actually quite upset now. I have realised this all came up on sunday night and hes been here or ive been in work. Today ive barely worked and Ive finally had a chance to really think it through. I am a huge overthinker though....

"Ive had time today to reflect over what’s gone down and it just doesn’t sit right with me, I tried to bury it but last night and this morning felt ‘off’. You know (and I thought you felt the same) that consistency, calm, security, feeling safe, all deeply matter to me. I thought we were in a love bubble that we were trying to make impenetrable. What has gone down isn’t her fault – you cant say ‘you didn’t know her game’ and ‘she isn’t going to ruin it’ – I don’t care about her or anyone else. Its about you. She owes me nothing. Someone who cheated on you, who actively pursues you, who really wasn’t your ‘friend’, you allowed access to you. That’s not respectful to ‘us’ or yourself tbh. Your motivation – which is either you wanted the attention, you wanted to make her jealous with me, or you want to make me jealous, or you want to keep that door open – is one thing (and none of which cover you in glory). The other is you weren’t protecting ‘us’. And you weren’t protecting me and my feelings. Ive felt hugely secure, happy, and calm with you. Which is what I need and crave. Now for the past couple of days I have felt insecure, confused and mugged off and wondering what the point of all that even was, and if I know you at all. It’s not cool and I deserve way way better.
What it has highlighted to me is I very very much need to calm my farm and slow things down with you. Because really I just don’t really know you at all."

Edited

You really don’t need all this. It’s invited by him to respond. Then you will etc. You’re better keeping it short and sweet. No drama.

You might want to think about your previous relationships, and how they continue to impact on you. Stop thinking about him and his behaviour, and how it makes you feel. It gives him all the power, and leaves you needing him to make you happy or otherwise. You can choose to be happy regardless of him, what he is doing. Also you are clearly getting something from the drama or you’d be trying to dial it down. This is not a criticism, but an observation.

Just take some time. Work on you not him!

My earlier suggestion is fine I think.

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 17:23

i did think about going real aussie and just saying 'yeah you've been a bit of a shit cunt and i need a couple of days'. So maybe ill just do that. Sometimes writing it out just feels better. even if you don't send.

OP posts:
Findingmypurposeinlife · 09/09/2025 17:52

A 40 year old man who starts mentioning his ex-partner with whom he had a strong bond with, pursued him for a year, is now single and has recently sent him messages, knows exactly what he is doing. Who knows what his ultimate intentions are, but anyone with any emotional intelligence knows this behaviour is hardly conducive to a healthy, happy relationship. Especially so early on.
He has posted "very flattering" photos of you without your consent on his Facebook page and this ex was still on his friends list. You think he is doing it to get her attention. You raise an objection and he tells you it's you he loves and you trust him because you are 'always together' and now he has deleted her. (But only after you told him you were bothered)
You had some family stuff going on in the beginning of the relationship and didn't respond to him in just over 24 hours and he said he won't tolerate that without being told why. You appear to have interpreted that as him being caring. To others it does sound quite controlling.
You are in the driver's seat. It's ultimately your life and your decisions. Choose wisely.

Original poster
amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 17:57

MsPavlichenko · 09/09/2025 17:19

You really don’t need all this. It’s invited by him to respond. Then you will etc. You’re better keeping it short and sweet. No drama.

You might want to think about your previous relationships, and how they continue to impact on you. Stop thinking about him and his behaviour, and how it makes you feel. It gives him all the power, and leaves you needing him to make you happy or otherwise. You can choose to be happy regardless of him, what he is doing. Also you are clearly getting something from the drama or you’d be trying to dial it down. This is not a criticism, but an observation.

Just take some time. Work on you not him!

My earlier suggestion is fine I think.

Edited
Show quote history

I really appreciate this, and I like your style. I genuinely want to avoid drama and any conflict. Im hugely conflict avoidant and working on that, but also working on enforcing my boundaries. You sound like you know what you are doing. What do i say - he seems to think this is all over, hes blocked her, its all her fault somehow, and we are back to normal. I feel off. I dont want to be dramatic and just go quiet for a few days, but what do i want? I guess I want him to know its still not ok, hes been a knob, and if he wants to be with me, then there can't be any drama and i need feel secure. How do i achieve that in a non-dramatic way? Just going 'i need space' and not talking for a few days will escalate it I think. He will worry/ and panic and hes been ghosted before so I imagine he will just turn up at mine and want to talk about it.

Aghhh...im so crap at this. I jsut want easy and peaceful. I am fighting the huge huge instinct to just dump because I cant bare the drama. Which I know stems from my previous relationships, and you can't have a healthy relationship with a bit of conflict i guess, but i just don't have it in me.

Ps i was in a 21 year dv marriage that i escaped 8 years ago - lot of therapy - but quite frankly im still a bit nuts. !

OP posts:
TalulaHalulah · 09/09/2025 18:02

That text you wrote is best for your journal.
But also, surely if you recognise all this about this man, the question is why, after your few days of space, you would go back to him?
Do nothing:
Sleep on it, tell him you have a headache or something, or you are not feeling well (which you are not, you are stressed about this!) and see how you feel in the morning.
You don’t actually owe him an explanation right away.
It’s not that you want to dump him to avoid the drama, it’s that there should not be this drama, so he should go.

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 09/09/2025 18:04

amibeingaknob · 09/09/2025 17:13

Help me edit this please. Too much? not enough? Be gentle with me, Im actually quite upset now. I have realised this all came up on sunday night and hes been here or ive been in work. Today ive barely worked and Ive finally had a chance to really think it through. I am a huge overthinker though....

"Ive had time today to reflect over what’s gone down and it just doesn’t sit right with me, I tried to bury it but last night and this morning felt ‘off’. You know (and I thought you felt the same) that consistency, calm, security, feeling safe, all deeply matter to me. I thought we were in a love bubble that we were trying to make impenetrable. What has gone down isn’t her fault – you cant say ‘you didn’t know her game’ and ‘she isn’t going to ruin it’ – I don’t care about her or anyone else. Its about you. She owes me nothing. Someone who cheated on you, who actively pursues you, who really wasn’t your ‘friend’, you allowed access to you. That’s not respectful to ‘us’ or yourself tbh. Your motivation – which is either you wanted the attention, you wanted to make her jealous with me, or you want to make me jealous, or you want to keep that door open – is one thing (and none of which cover you in glory). The other is you weren’t protecting ‘us’. And you weren’t protecting me and my feelings. Ive felt hugely secure, happy, and calm with you. Which is what I need and crave. Now for the past couple of days I have felt insecure, confused and mugged off and wondering what the point of all that even was, and if I know you at all. It’s not cool and I deserve way way better.
What it has highlighted to me is I very very much need to calm my farm and slow things down with you. Because really I just don’t really know you at all."

Edited

After writing all that out, why on earth would you want a relationship with this man?