Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

[amibeingaknob]

So I have extremely lovely boyfriend - whom I am deeply in love with and he is with me (or so he says). Its quite early doors (6 months) but we have been spending lots of time together and very quickly into each other iykwim. He basically lives at my place of late. Im making that point because in the past 8 years of dating I have never gotten this close this quickly and its extremely lovely. I believed he was the one tbh after quite the time looking (Im 51 - past shitbox of a marriage).

Anyway, his previous girlfriend who he told me all about. He was in love with her , but she cheated on him with her childs father, he dumped her (but took some time to get over her), and they remained in touch as 'friends' (that part I don't get cos they didn't see each other just chatted a bit on text I think), and he said she spent about a year trying to get him back. He always said he wasnt interested, and she is with someone else. She was due to get married now.

This was all I really knew and I wasn't interested cos not my business. I did think it was odd they were facebook friends but he said they barely talk so I just didn't worry, cos we spend all our time together and its all good. HOWEVER, this weekend he started telling me how she is single, the wedding didnt happen she has been posting about how devo she is, how she has been treated so badly. I asked a bit more and he showed me that she had messaged him an old lovely dovey picture of them together in June with a 'how sad' and a sad emoji. Theres been no contact since - or so it seems - but they are still friends of facebook.

It made me feel very very insecure, threatened and panicky. I went quiet, and he reacted really lovingly telling me how sorry I was, how much he loved me, he wasn't interested in her - yada yada, and that he would unfriend. I said a woman you were once in love with, and pursued you for a year, sent you a very obvious 'i want you back' message just 2 months ago and is now newly single!!!! And we were together then. I asked how he would feel if it were him, he said he would hate it. I said I would never tell someone what to do, but I do not want to EVER feel insecure and jealous again - its a hideous awful emotion and I don't deserve to feel it. I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he can do with that information what he wants. Obviously I wanted him to have unfriended and blocked her but I have checked today and they are still friends on there.

I just feel the whole thing is immature and just not something I want any part of. Im 51 ffs and Im checking someones facebook friends, its just not me, I hate it. Its put me right off tbh. I don't want to feel this teen angst knot in my stomach. Up until now, it felt like such a healthy, secure love. So different from my marriage which was awful. This has been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I just feel there is this woman out there, newly single and heartbroken, who is now going to go hellbent on pursuing my fella. And worse - he is just still facebook friends with her - and they aren't even bloody friends! I find that baffling and disrespectful. It makes me feel maybe he enjoys the attention from her? He is getting something out of it surely, because he doesn't want to be with her (allegedly). I dunno my gut is saying he wants her chasing. I really don't want a bar of this dynamic though. Apart from this, he makes me incredibly happy and I haven't felt this way in years!

So am I just completely overreacting, being a jealous knob and worrying about nothing and ruining something completely fabulous because Ive been fucked over in the past? Or is this something to worry about?

TIA

Hey OP ..
His self confidence obviously took a hit when he was cheated on by his Ex , & now her showing him that she still has feelings for him ( if she does ) , well I suppose he’s liking that attention . .I’d say to your bf you’re not comfortable with it at all , that you feel you both have something good & there’s no room for Exs in your relationship, there’s not 🤷🏻‍♀️, & you’re just being honest with him …
As far as all the PPS saying you’re going way too fast in your relationship, it sounds like young love , staying together at her given opportunity, I think it’s kinda sweet 😍, throwing caution to the wind doesn’t always have to be a bad thing , we’re not getting any younger, I’m in around your age ☺️ , & you two are enjoying one another ..
He still has his own place 🤷🏻‍♀️…
I hope it all works out for you OP 🤞x

Please - what is his own living situation? Is your place more comfortable than his? I would like you to slow your roll. Take several slow, deep breaths and slow down. He may well be a lovely person but his effect on you is anything but. Please protect yourself.

This is two red flags. One, his wanting to show you off on FB despite your reluctance. Two, his doing it deceitfully despite you saying no.

Add that to his deceit over not telling you about her message in June. That’s what you know about. Whether it’s deliberate or not he has also made you uncomfortable and anxious. It’s a moot point whether he “ likes the attention”. He knows/knew it would make you uneasy.

That’s enough for you to think seriously about him. Then you added his being “ jealous “, being sulky about you engaging with other men, or even liking them on tv! That’s more worry. Are you already modifying your behaviour do you think? Are you not joking about guys on the telly, or avoiding interacting with men in social situations?

Controlling men rarely play all their cards early. Keeping their partners on their toes re previous relationships is often a tactic employed. As is explaining controlling / jealous or otherwise unreasonable behaviour on a cheating ex.

I appreciate you’ll probably be quick to refute this, but at the very least take the time to consider what I have said.

I think he kept her on Facebook and wanted to post a photo of you, to rub her face in it and to show her what she threw away. Bit pathetic if he’s in his 50’s.
I’m more seeing red flags that he’s jealous of you ‘lusting’ (can’t think of a better word!) over a celebrity who you’re never likely to meet and also if a man talks to you in a pub or whatever. After just 6 months of dating, that would worry me tbh.

No I agree with you. I royally took the piss out of his sulking about Pierce. He didn't like it, but I will be arsed if im going to not say how hot pierce is - the man is a god! lol.

I also think (and it isn't a humble brag) but objectively Im quite attractive for my age, and there was a v. flattering pic of me, and i guess his ex is objectively not as attractive so I think he wanted to stick it to her. This makes me cringe inside and out. I bloody hate that crap. I know some women would be thrilled that their man was showing them off, but I don't like it. It also makes me a bit worried that hes not really as into me, he just likes sticking it to her. Im probably overthinking that.

Someone earlier said I need to slow down. I agree. This whole episode has made me feel I need to slow it way way down. I don't know him afterall. Hes here all the time now, so I have just said I need some time alone. He will be concerned and ask why but I think I shouldn't really say to much now. I really don't know right now how I think. Last night and this morning just wasn't the same. It may have appeared on the surface to him that it was, but I felt off.

Yeh and he is absolutely convinced everyone is hitting on me - there are most certainly not. Im quite a chatty person, and when I talk to people he will always say that afterwards, its so weird. The other day I was at a gardens and was chatting to some dude about flowers - it was so innocent. But that happens all the time and he always says that afterwards. Odd.

I don't get how he is insecure. He is objectively extremely attractive and really lovely. I think he is damaged and doesn't see it hey.
Oh and hes early 40s

I agree.

He has his own flat but he loves being with me. We both do. But I don't know him, not really. This has shown me that.

Even if he’s early 40’s, he’s still old enough to appreciate that people can find other people attractive - especially if they’re a celebrity and completely out of reach!!!
With the situation with the flower man etc, that would do my bloody head in! He either needs to trust you, or he needs to bugger off. It’s stifling.

Why on earth would you want to be in any kind of relationship with him? I don’t get your thought process at all.

It is really annoying cos obviously Im not even thinking like that, and neither are they. He doesnt say it in a way he doesn't trust me or is mad, he just afterwards always says, 'oh they well fancied you'. I mean it just seems so immature to me. Hes very complimentary about me, which is nice, but the world isnt goign about its business with people always fancying other people in every interaction, most people aren't thinking like that. Its kinda annoying, but I just took it as a quirk. Im sure I have many!!! I just roll my eyes and say 'yes dear' and pat his arm and laugh.

Because there is so so much that is so good about him. He can be a bit of a dick at times yes. But I need some space to think this all through a bit more don't i.

It’s been six months - he shouldn’t be being a dick at all at this stage 😬

Your posts sounded as though you were really upset by this behaviour with the ex... something that could easily have been solved by him finally doing what he should have done in the first place.

I'd be asking why he's put you through this - a fairly pointless exercise of his being flattered by the ex's attention and wanting you to feel insecure because of it.

The whole situation appealed to his vanity.

But you're a grown up. You should know by now that there's more to a happy, healthy, safe relationship than 'loving being together'.

OP had already said there is loads good about him & they work well together.
Ok , so he can get jealous, because he was cheated on by his Ex wife , so obviously that’s left him Insecure, we would all be the same ..
Counselling would be very advisable here for sure for OPS bf to teach him how to cope with these feelings..
So many always on here with ‘ dump him , get rid ‘🙄 , when they could be very good guy’s that just need a bit of help or whatever ….

THIS. @amibeingaknob you seem to think this teen love type relationship (the angst, the jealousy, the not being able to be apart) is a good thing, but it's really not. So many red flags that you're ignoring.

Exactly. I find it so incredibly depressing that there are huge numbers of adult women settling for this shit.

Please raise your bar.

It probably "doesn't feel the same" because you're seeing him more realistically now, not as your perfect match. And he probably feels the same about you. No-one is a perfect match really, but it's nice when you think they are!

How raise my bar pp ?
Do you not feel people are not perfect in relationships & some need help , as In with OPS bf , he’s just a little insecure after being cheated on ..
I just think that is something that can be worked on , that’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️

If he’s insecure then that’s his issue to work on before he gets himself into another relationship - it’s not the OP’s job to fix him and help him get over his issues 🙄

There’s also a massive difference between “not being perfect” and behaving like a teenager.

He’s love bombed you. He’s emotionally manipulative and controlling. Get rid of him.

He is deliberately going on about his ex that he was besotted with because he knows it’s hurtful; he WANTS you to feel insecure. It’s completely obvious that he wants to undermine you and make you paranoid. It’s all part of wanting to control you. The intensity of the early stages of the relationship, the jealousy/paranoia over you even talking to another man, the issue with his ex - it’s all part of the same picture.

He is not a good man and you need to get out of this relationship. So many red flags here. SO many.

Ok , but we can’t help it if we meet someone we like & the timing isn’t great by us , it’s just human nature ..

I don’t know would I say behaving like a teenager as such .
He’s insecure , that can be worked on , no it’s not OPS job to ‘ fix him ‘ , as you say , but sure she’s with him now & she likes him a lot 🤷🏻‍♀️ ..
I just don’t think it has to be the end of the road for them ..

I tend to agree. Im not that great myself tbh! Im 51, Ive had a lot of therapy but I have anxiety around some things, Im ditzy, Im quirky, Im really not perfect. Hes not judged me for some things, when he could have. Hes actually been really understanding about some things.

I dunno. I feel very very flat today. I was so happy and in love (know Im not allowed to say that but thats how i feel and its been a looooong time coming and it feels great!). But today, I just want to hide under the duvet and not see him for a while. This is what I do though, if I feel unsafe/threatened/upset or a hint of drama I just totally withdraw. I know thats due to my past relationship, i can't deal with any conflict at all. In this case it may be the best thing to do to just withdraw though. I really really don't want to have a deep and meaningful about it. We will see.

And if the timing isn’t right then you move on, you don’t put yourself in the role of fixer and therapist for grown man who can’t be bothered to behave like a grown up 🫣