Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

[amibeingaknob]

So I have extremely lovely boyfriend - whom I am deeply in love with and he is with me (or so he says). Its quite early doors (6 months) but we have been spending lots of time together and very quickly into each other iykwim. He basically lives at my place of late. Im making that point because in the past 8 years of dating I have never gotten this close this quickly and its extremely lovely. I believed he was the one tbh after quite the time looking (Im 51 - past shitbox of a marriage).

Anyway, his previous girlfriend who he told me all about. He was in love with her , but she cheated on him with her childs father, he dumped her (but took some time to get over her), and they remained in touch as 'friends' (that part I don't get cos they didn't see each other just chatted a bit on text I think), and he said she spent about a year trying to get him back. He always said he wasnt interested, and she is with someone else. She was due to get married now.

This was all I really knew and I wasn't interested cos not my business. I did think it was odd they were facebook friends but he said they barely talk so I just didn't worry, cos we spend all our time together and its all good. HOWEVER, this weekend he started telling me how she is single, the wedding didnt happen she has been posting about how devo she is, how she has been treated so badly. I asked a bit more and he showed me that she had messaged him an old lovely dovey picture of them together in June with a 'how sad' and a sad emoji. Theres been no contact since - or so it seems - but they are still friends of facebook.

It made me feel very very insecure, threatened and panicky. I went quiet, and he reacted really lovingly telling me how sorry I was, how much he loved me, he wasn't interested in her - yada yada, and that he would unfriend. I said a woman you were once in love with, and pursued you for a year, sent you a very obvious 'i want you back' message just 2 months ago and is now newly single!!!! And we were together then. I asked how he would feel if it were him, he said he would hate it. I said I would never tell someone what to do, but I do not want to EVER feel insecure and jealous again - its a hideous awful emotion and I don't deserve to feel it. I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he can do with that information what he wants. Obviously I wanted him to have unfriended and blocked her but I have checked today and they are still friends on there.

I just feel the whole thing is immature and just not something I want any part of. Im 51 ffs and Im checking someones facebook friends, its just not me, I hate it. Its put me right off tbh. I don't want to feel this teen angst knot in my stomach. Up until now, it felt like such a healthy, secure love. So different from my marriage which was awful. This has been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I just feel there is this woman out there, newly single and heartbroken, who is now going to go hellbent on pursuing my fella. And worse - he is just still facebook friends with her - and they aren't even bloody friends! I find that baffling and disrespectful. It makes me feel maybe he enjoys the attention from her? He is getting something out of it surely, because he doesn't want to be with her (allegedly). I dunno my gut is saying he wants her chasing. I really don't want a bar of this dynamic though. Apart from this, he makes me incredibly happy and I haven't felt this way in years!

So am I just completely overreacting, being a jealous knob and worrying about nothing and ruining something completely fabulous because Ive been fucked over in the past? Or is this something to worry about?

TIA

I’d just be honest about it. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you want to cool things while he decides if her being single again means anything to him; if it does, he should get back with her. If he decides he wants to be with you, he should then come back to you and prove that he is committing to your relationship and leaving his ex in the past.
He can’t have it both ways -that’s not fair to you.

Thats different though. He has remained facebook friends/text friends. If your DH kept contact with someone who did that wouldn't you think he was being disrespectful to you? Instead of him telling them where to go and blocking?

You are 6 months in and he is making you feel this way with his behaviour. Your gut is screaming that you are unsafe and you are not listening. Why? I think honestly, this is enough to end it, the whole thing is incredibly immature and if he really wanted to ease your worry, he would unfriend his ex and never talk about her again.

I would not be friends on Facebook ( or anywhere else) with someone who cheated on me……I really don’t understand some people!

I personally wouldn't be comfortable with a current partner being friends with an ex. I also think it's weird that he's keeping himself updated on her romantic activity.

I think especially considering her behaviour where she has attempted to get him back for an entire year and now is also doing the same after her engagement ended, he should recognise that she's not capable of breaking contact with him so he should do it for her by unfriending/blocking because it unfair on you.

I couldn't be bothered with all this is it was me. I think it says a lot about his character, especially at his age, presuming he's a fully grown proper adult as you mention your own age to be 51.

A few red flags. Only you know for sure how red they are.

1. he has "basically" moved in with you, in under six months. Did you discuss this.. agree to it or did it just "happen" a naturally evolving situation. is he paying half of bills etc.. Or are you.

2. This whole ex scenario is wierd. He loved her. She dumped him and went on to have a child. She's contacting him, but its OK cos she's getting married, Oh now she's not but still wants to be friends. Sounds like a high drama soap opera.

Why is he still in contact with her? Why does he keep telling you about it.. showing you pictures of them together as a couple?

He's either showing off, trying to make you feel that he is in demand from lots of women.. or he's quite proud about the fact that she still has the hots for him and can't resist telling you. Or he wants to keep you on your toes, making sure you please him... which as he has just "basically" moved in.. i would definitely be questioning.

In your shoes, I would slow things down... reduce the amount of time he stays over and take things really slowly. And I would ask him to block her on social media.

Same!!! its bonkers. So i can only assume he liked the attention. Ewww.

YES! I was wondering why he even knew she was single unless he was stalking her page?? Would he get an alert for a status change.

Also if someone is pursuing you, and you aren't interested, why would you be friends with them - thats just rubbing salt in the wound surely? My ex did/does this, and I certainly wouldn't be friends with him. Just encouraging it isn't it.

I'm not sure on the rest of your post but I'm fb friends with 3 of my exes and there's absolutely nothing going on with any of them. You either trust him or you dont, whatever this woman does or says.

So hes got mentionitis and showing you messages between them both and, what, one of them was "accidentally" a loved up pic from her?

Hes obviously getting you both to do the "pick me" dance. Get him in the bin. I've got cheese in my fridge older than 6 months.

yada yada, and that he would unfriend.

He said he would unfriend her, but didn't. That likely means he told you about ex's message to make you jealous but he has no intention of stopping contact with ex.

Do you really want to play these games at 51? I'd dump him now before you get enmeshed.

You’re saying you want him to be a mind-reader!
You want him to know that him being friends with her on facebook is making you feel insecure and take action about it, but you are unwilling to TELL him that him being friends with her in Facebook is making you insecure?

Also, why did he show you that picture of them that she sent? Why did he not tell her he was taken and delete the photo? Sounds like he wanted to make you jealous, and it succeeded.

He is enjoying the feeling of being wanted by two women. 🙄

You need to tell him, once only, that you do not appreciate what he did by telling you about this woman and failing to make his intentions clear by shutting her down / cutting her off. You do not intend to compete for him, if he is serious about you, he needs to treat you and the relationship with respect.
Time for a big chat - are you exclusive partners, or not? If he wants you to be his partner, your expectations are that he immediately shuts down flirtatious messages and cuts ties. Those are the terms, he can take it or leave it.

No I absolutely unequivocally do not. And I will never ever play the 'pick me' dance, if this is what this is about. Id rather drink a shit smoothie.

Oh and for a PP - she was with him, went awol for 4 days, and her ex (her toddlers father), contacted my boyfriend to say they had had a shagathon for 4 days. She denied and denied then came clean. My BF dumped her, and there was a back and forth friendship/'begging' (his words) of over a year. He is very very strong minded, he won't take any shit. So it was an example of his strong boundaries in that even though he did love her, and she took a while to get over, he wouldn't budge. We have only talked abotu it, because I have talked about my shitty boundaries with my ex and how strong I am now. Its taken years and lots of therapy though. I like how strong he is. Hes a good influence on me.

This stuff is bullshit though. He said he remained friends because he didn't want to be unkind to her. Because she expressed how much she regretted it etc.

I think its nonsense.

It’s not the fb friends thing, I’m friends with several exes, I bear them no ill will, they’re decent men and I wish them well and enjoy seeing their lives moving on. I have absolutely no interest in getting back either them or even a mild flirtation. I’d be upset about the obvious texting if photos of them though. I’d assume there is something ‘unfinished’ between them.

I don't want him to be a mind-reader. I told him I felt very scared, jealous and insecure, and I dont want that at all in a relationship. That it is very very important - essential - to me that I am in a healthy relationship where I feel secure all the time. He knows this anyway, but I reiterated it very strongly last night. He knew I was very upset. And I just told him I was not going to tell him what to do but I wanted him to think about what he would want if the roles were reversed.

I also said that I think its about protecting the relationship - like a fortress - and you don't let anyone else in - romantic or naysayers or otherwise. You protect 'us'. Sounds cheesy but its what I believe. And I shared that with him agian that that is what I want.

I told him this morning that I feel unsettled and I haven't with him at all this whole relationship and I don't liek it. He left first thing saying how sorry he was how much he loved me and how he would 'sort it'. So we will see.

He showed me the messages to show they hadn't spoken since june and I saw the pic then.

I think he does like the attention yes.

We've been exclusive for ages and telling each other we love each other.

He knows full well I would never do the pick me dance, and I won't tolerate feeling jealous.

Quite. If he had fb friends - exes or otherwise - or real life female friends that were actual friends then no dramas. Its the pursuing and just allowing it that pisses me off.

MENTIONITIS 😆 👏 💯
I love this! Especially the cheese older than 6 months 🧀 😆 🙌
Don't do the pick me dance.
He's loving the attention. Why else would he still be pals with an ex who cheated in him, and is an ex for a reason. All ego stroking bollocks.
Bin him off, and enjoy your peace 💅

Its all a contradiction isnt it?

Hes so strong minded and boundaried that hes soaking up the attention from this woman who, allegedly, treated him like utter shit.

And felt it was an excellent idea to show you, his new girlfriend of just 6 very short months, when youd expect someone to be on their best behaviour, messages between them both that only a slug wouldnt realise would cause a bit of weirdness.

I dont think hes a good influence at all I think hes enjoying the drama of 2 women vying for his attention.

This won't get any better op.

This 👆 💯 👏
It will NOT get any better.
Cut and run like the wind 🏃‍♀️

Ask yourself if it’s worth the hassle. He’ll keep her as a friend, that much is obvious.

Well. I’d let it be and not think about it. If he is into you then you’ll have a good relationship and that’s all you need to be concerned about. If he wants to see her then I imagine he will and he would let you know that it’s no longer working out for him. If you think he would cheat behind your back after 6 months then ask why you think that. Gut feelings are valid too. But who could be bothered. It’s not like you have shared finances or homes and it would be difficult to separate. I imagine if he likes you he will keep seeing you. If he doesn’t. He won’t.

Well it sounds like you’ve made your expectations quite clear then. Ball is in his court now. How much grace period are you going to give him?

UPDATE.

So I just got a message from him.

Its all very gushy, but basically apologising and saying he hadn't really realised what she was up to (bollox), but shes gone away now and her family (he was friends with her adult kids too), and all social media, and she/they will be upset but Im the priority and I am all he cares about. And how much he loves me and is sorry.

So thats nice. I said thank you for doing that without me asking, and it has made me feel very unsettled and insecure and I won't live like that again, but thanks.

I feel relieved hes done it, but still question things a bit because why this has been going on for so long at all is just odd. I'll just sit with my feelings on this for a bit longer I think.

It sounds like you are reacting emotionally rather then responding to the situation. It's not on him to prevent you from ever feeling jealous or insecure. He can't control that his ex is now single and that makes you feel so threatened.

Often those horrible feelings of anxiety or jealousy come from our own issues rather than something external. Your extreme response of wanting to walk away (avoid) rather than tackle uncomfortable feelings points to something deeper being triggered, rather than just this particular situation causing you angst.

He should be sympathetic to how you are feeling but I suspect the strength of your reaction points to there being something else at play here.

I don't agree that you cant go through life never feeling jealous or insecure by your partner. My mum and dad have had 55 years of marriage like that, my brother too. Its not inevitable that your OP will at some point make you feel jealous. Why would they? BUT the rest you have a point. It has triggered me massively. I have played the pick me dance, I have felt insanely jealous and insecure in my marriage, and its put me right back there because I know I never ever want to feel that again. I don't think I should though. I want this (hopefully) to be my forever person, and I want to live the rest of my life never feeling threatened again. Maybe that is too much to ask, but its what I want.