Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

[amibeingaknob]

So I have extremely lovely boyfriend - whom I am deeply in love with and he is with me (or so he says). Its quite early doors (6 months) but we have been spending lots of time together and very quickly into each other iykwim. He basically lives at my place of late. Im making that point because in the past 8 years of dating I have never gotten this close this quickly and its extremely lovely. I believed he was the one tbh after quite the time looking (Im 51 - past shitbox of a marriage).

Anyway, his previous girlfriend who he told me all about. He was in love with her , but she cheated on him with her childs father, he dumped her (but took some time to get over her), and they remained in touch as 'friends' (that part I don't get cos they didn't see each other just chatted a bit on text I think), and he said she spent about a year trying to get him back. He always said he wasnt interested, and she is with someone else. She was due to get married now.

This was all I really knew and I wasn't interested cos not my business. I did think it was odd they were facebook friends but he said they barely talk so I just didn't worry, cos we spend all our time together and its all good. HOWEVER, this weekend he started telling me how she is single, the wedding didnt happen she has been posting about how devo she is, how she has been treated so badly. I asked a bit more and he showed me that she had messaged him an old lovely dovey picture of them together in June with a 'how sad' and a sad emoji. Theres been no contact since - or so it seems - but they are still friends of facebook.

It made me feel very very insecure, threatened and panicky. I went quiet, and he reacted really lovingly telling me how sorry I was, how much he loved me, he wasn't interested in her - yada yada, and that he would unfriend. I said a woman you were once in love with, and pursued you for a year, sent you a very obvious 'i want you back' message just 2 months ago and is now newly single!!!! And we were together then. I asked how he would feel if it were him, he said he would hate it. I said I would never tell someone what to do, but I do not want to EVER feel insecure and jealous again - its a hideous awful emotion and I don't deserve to feel it. I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he can do with that information what he wants. Obviously I wanted him to have unfriended and blocked her but I have checked today and they are still friends on there.

I just feel the whole thing is immature and just not something I want any part of. Im 51 ffs and Im checking someones facebook friends, its just not me, I hate it. Its put me right off tbh. I don't want to feel this teen angst knot in my stomach. Up until now, it felt like such a healthy, secure love. So different from my marriage which was awful. This has been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I just feel there is this woman out there, newly single and heartbroken, who is now going to go hellbent on pursuing my fella. And worse - he is just still facebook friends with her - and they aren't even bloody friends! I find that baffling and disrespectful. It makes me feel maybe he enjoys the attention from her? He is getting something out of it surely, because he doesn't want to be with her (allegedly). I dunno my gut is saying he wants her chasing. I really don't want a bar of this dynamic though. Apart from this, he makes me incredibly happy and I haven't felt this way in years!

So am I just completely overreacting, being a jealous knob and worrying about nothing and ruining something completely fabulous because Ive been fucked over in the past? Or is this something to worry about?

TIA

I get that. Im only saying the shit though arent I. The good is he has made me feel secure, loved, happy, seen, and I haven't just felt like he only likes me for sex/fancies me. Thats what usually happens. This man makes me feel that all my weirdness and quirks are adorable and he just wants to be by my side. Weirdly before this he was very protective of me, and of us, and it was lovely. We had the passion side, but also the wanting to be together and do things together and talk endlessly. I have some weird geeky interests and he just follows blindly cos he says he loves seeing me light up about them. Hes met all my friends and family who say he just looks smitten and is so attentive. So there is heaps and heaps of good. Up until sunday. People will say hes love-bombing of course, well hes the best actor in the world who has really really put in the hours. he comes to my hobby for hours on end every week, apparently looking at me like a love sick puppy when im engaging in it (my friends words not mine).

So my head is like 'its a fucking facebook bullshit non-drama why do you even care?' to 'no this really is a super shit thing to do'.

You are now saying, if you tell him 'I need space' you imagine he will 'worry and panic as he has been ghosted before' and 'just turn up at your door to 'talk about it'?? You are literally giving him excuses - it's YOU saying he will 'worry and panic'. He categorically WON'T have any reason to 'worry and panic' if you just explain reasonably you need some space. And you should be able to do that in a mature loving relationship.
If he turns up at your door even after you have requested some space, thats even more worrying.
You need to give yourself a chance to breathe. It all sounds so suffocating and intense.

There is no reason for him to panic or think he’s being ghosted though is there. Be calm, straightforward and say you need a few days to yourself. You already worrying about his response to a reasonable request is another red flag. Again stop worrying about him/ his reactions. Take some time here. Look at the Freedom Programme.

I get that. Im only saying the shit though arent I.

Right, but given you've only known him for less than 5% of your entire life, he shouldn't be making you feel shit at all, and you certainly shouldn't be worrying about his response to you wanting some space for a few days.

But it's honestly starting to sound like you like the drama that comes with this relationship.

Yeh im not discounting that. We can think we hate drama, but when we've had 21 years of it, we are drawn to it or create it, i get that. That is what concerns me. Is he a good guy and im just creating problems? I have form for that. In therapy i worked out i felt love was highs and lows - intense passion, and crushing lows. I had to do a lot of work to realise that isn't love at all. Not a healthy love anyway.

But you are right. He shouldnt make me feel shit at all not at this stage.

Nope, no one is ever drawn to or chooses to create DV 'drama'. You didn't choose DV in your past relationship. So don't ever be led to believe you did.
Not saying there will be DV here, but it
It seems like you have gone in too deep, too quickly. And you are becoming codependent. Learn how to take a step back when you need to.

Manipulators can also play the game for as long as it takes without the mask falling off. Don't be fooled.

You also only have his word for what happened in his previous relationship(s)

If you say you want space, you need to stick to those boundaries. (Not secretly hoping he will turn up at your door either, or allowing him in if he does)

Stop twisting things !

It sounds to me like you have some attachment issues. As someone who has anxious attachment and has done a lot of work on identifying my own patterns of behaviour, there are some major red flags coming up which you may be ignoring due to your past experiences of what you perceive as love. I think you’re right to take a step back and reflect, but this also might be a hard-wired pattern of withdrawal whenever conflict arises. It’s really distressing to go through, you have my sympathies but it’s important to be stick to your own boundaries or else history might repeat itself and you might end up in a terrible situation again.

How about something like this:
Hey, last few days have been a bit full on/OTT/emotional (take your pick of whatever adjective you prefer) and I just need a few quiet days on my own to sort my shit out (or if you prefer - relax/decompress/wind down). See you on the weekend.

Keep it short. If he tries to engage about why etc, just reply once, shortening the message to "I just need some quiet time, See you on the weekend".

I honestly don’t think it is about the FB drama, it’s about the fact that you feel the need to write an essay to tell him why you want a couple of days to yourself.
’Hi, it’s been a bit full on emotionally in the last couple of days and I need to concentrate on work and other things for a bit. Looking forward to seeing you on Saturday and I will get in touch about the arrangements on Friday, I hope the rest of your week goes well’
It is or should be that simple.

Honestly, what you are describing as good times sounds suffocating to me. In a healthy relationship you need space to yourself. Control looks romantic at first. It is how it works. The biggest red flag for me is that you cannot send a simple message like the above and then go and have a nice hot bath or whatever you do to relax. I am not sure how many messages you are up to here agonising about this. But you are six months in. Six months. Honestly, you must see that this is not healthy.

(edited to add, sorry I just saw the poster above me had suggested something pretty similar)

Well I think its over. His reaction to me needing space is very telling. He has said hes happy to talk to me but he wont be shut out. That apparently is not healthy.

Ive told him that it is healthy to need time to reflect after a disagreement/upset.

Right now I feel glad. Glad Ive seen this side of him.

It should honestly be fine to want a couple of days to yourself even if you had not had a disagreement. You are not married, you have been together six months. (Even if you were married, then you should be able to have your own space and peace and quiet when you need it)
He sounds suffocating.
Just take your time and space and make sure you are okay.

I'm really happy for you that you see him now. What feels difficult and sad right now is nothing to the pain he could cause if you keep him around. Sending sympathies and hope that you'll find someone worthy of you soon. Sometimes the wrong one has to exit for the right one to step through.

Yeah...not good. Showing a few more of his true colours there. And, btw, hanging around watching you at your hobby is weird af, not adorable. He's not the one but you spotted this. That's good! Be kind to yourself.

Yes hanging around for hours watching you do a hobby is very weird! An emotionally healthy person would not do that, they would enjoy the time to themselves and enjoy hearing you tell them about your hobby next time you meet up. He was probably well on his way to becoming quite controlling of all your time and attention. Well done for spotting that something didn't feel right and protecting yourself OP.

Talking is important in any relationship, but so is personal space. (You don't even need a reason/excuse for wanting it)
And you can have both as part of a committed, loving, secure (and healthy) relationship.

It doesn't mean being 'shut out' unless you deliberately choose that narrative.

OP you did great!

I know it doesn't feel like that but you sensed something was off, prioritised your own discomfort, reached out to other women to disclose and gain support. You asserted boundaries, and now he's gone away.

That's why we have the boundaries. They keep the cunts away. It's so sad that they turn out to be cunts, but it's even sadder when we stay with them.

OP. Don't talk about your DV with new partners. Not the details. Not how it made you feel. Not how it scarred you. Devise a short paragraph that summarises that aspect of your marriage. Say you have female friends and a therapist if you need to discuss and don't need to talk about it with him.

I've just ended a much shorter relationship. Boundaries. Red flags. I still ignored some early on and it took reflection on him hurting me subsequently in order for me to end it, but we're talking weeks. Last year it took me six months to get out. It took me 17 years to leave my marriage.

It takes practice. You were married a long time. It's like you're learning to ride a bike at 51. It's harder because you're learning so late. You can do this.

And don't discount being attractive. It's a dickhead magnet. Once you learn to spot their moves you'll be able to exploit it a bit too.

Keep going, darling!

He enjoys being pursued by her, and making you jealous is an added bonus.
Sorry OP.

I don't see he has done anything wrong. Jist because she messaged him something did not say he was agreeing with it and carrying the convo on. Either way the only one I see making drama out of nothing is you. If your not secure then leave the poor guy alone. Shouldn't really matter what friends he has you will always have stirring the pot ones. It's the response back if any at all that would be the problem and the only problem I'm seeing is one your making that's not actually there

Hes come back and said that he didnt realise she was pursuing him with the last message, and still isnt sure, and hasn't for a year or so since she got engaged. He said he had no hidden agenda. He had a nice time with her, and didn't want to be bitter and regret it, and its why he kept her as a friend on fb for that reason and to be the 'bigger person'.
He says he has done nothing wrong at all. The moment he realised I was upset he blocked her and her family on all social media.

Aside from this issue can you not see the countless red flags that SO MANY posters are raising with you?

For what it's worth, I'm late 40s and also love love, passion, sex, I'm not saying you shouldn't want to fall in love, but when someone starts telling me how obsessed they are, confessing undying love etc in the first 6 months, I have to laugh at them. From the very start he's shown signs of love-bombing and controlling behaviour, and I worry that you're going to end up in an abusive relationship.

If he can't handle you needing a bit of your own space, I'd say that is worse than the keeping tabs on his ex thing. That points to massive insecurity and the potential to be controlling. He may have done nothing wrong, but neither have you. People in good relationships have time to themselves as well. He sounds quite immature in the way he sees a relationship.

Morning OP . 😊.
Well if he has her blocked as soon as he knew it upset you , then forget it & move on ..
You get on really well , you are both very attracted to one another , you have great times , these are the things you have said yourself ..

You do need to speak to him about him getting jealous & insecure..
I’d kinda be insisting on counselling there so you guys can have the best possible chance ..
X

I don’t think coming to watch you do your hobby for hours is adorable. He was probably keeping an eye on you and making sure you weren’t talking to any men.

I agree. It’s very controlling imo. The polar opposite of what a loving partner would do.

OP I did notice he’s almost a decade younger than you and the ex is the same age. I do wonder if this is a factor in your relationship as he’s does seem incredibly immature for a woman your age to be involved with. That’s not a dig at you btw as I’m older than you but I couldn’t be dealing with this juvenile game playing nonsense.