Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

[amibeingaknob]

So I have extremely lovely boyfriend - whom I am deeply in love with and he is with me (or so he says). Its quite early doors (6 months) but we have been spending lots of time together and very quickly into each other iykwim. He basically lives at my place of late. Im making that point because in the past 8 years of dating I have never gotten this close this quickly and its extremely lovely. I believed he was the one tbh after quite the time looking (Im 51 - past shitbox of a marriage).

Anyway, his previous girlfriend who he told me all about. He was in love with her , but she cheated on him with her childs father, he dumped her (but took some time to get over her), and they remained in touch as 'friends' (that part I don't get cos they didn't see each other just chatted a bit on text I think), and he said she spent about a year trying to get him back. He always said he wasnt interested, and she is with someone else. She was due to get married now.

This was all I really knew and I wasn't interested cos not my business. I did think it was odd they were facebook friends but he said they barely talk so I just didn't worry, cos we spend all our time together and its all good. HOWEVER, this weekend he started telling me how she is single, the wedding didnt happen she has been posting about how devo she is, how she has been treated so badly. I asked a bit more and he showed me that she had messaged him an old lovely dovey picture of them together in June with a 'how sad' and a sad emoji. Theres been no contact since - or so it seems - but they are still friends of facebook.

It made me feel very very insecure, threatened and panicky. I went quiet, and he reacted really lovingly telling me how sorry I was, how much he loved me, he wasn't interested in her - yada yada, and that he would unfriend. I said a woman you were once in love with, and pursued you for a year, sent you a very obvious 'i want you back' message just 2 months ago and is now newly single!!!! And we were together then. I asked how he would feel if it were him, he said he would hate it. I said I would never tell someone what to do, but I do not want to EVER feel insecure and jealous again - its a hideous awful emotion and I don't deserve to feel it. I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he can do with that information what he wants. Obviously I wanted him to have unfriended and blocked her but I have checked today and they are still friends on there.

I just feel the whole thing is immature and just not something I want any part of. Im 51 ffs and Im checking someones facebook friends, its just not me, I hate it. Its put me right off tbh. I don't want to feel this teen angst knot in my stomach. Up until now, it felt like such a healthy, secure love. So different from my marriage which was awful. This has been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I just feel there is this woman out there, newly single and heartbroken, who is now going to go hellbent on pursuing my fella. And worse - he is just still facebook friends with her - and they aren't even bloody friends! I find that baffling and disrespectful. It makes me feel maybe he enjoys the attention from her? He is getting something out of it surely, because he doesn't want to be with her (allegedly). I dunno my gut is saying he wants her chasing. I really don't want a bar of this dynamic though. Apart from this, he makes me incredibly happy and I haven't felt this way in years!

So am I just completely overreacting, being a jealous knob and worrying about nothing and ruining something completely fabulous because Ive been fucked over in the past? Or is this something to worry about?

TIA

The whole "she wanted to get back at me and I had to keep her away" and showing you the photo are red flags in my book. He is deliberately trying to make you insecure.

If a man tells me how irresistible he is to another woman I immediately read it as "desperate insecure man" and get the ick.

I wouldn't tell a man in detail how I've been chased by another man, unless I was desperate for attention and validation (and that's so unattractive...)

The story! It's middle of September. She sent that photo in June. What has been going on that it couldn't be said then but needs to be said now? There is always a reason. Not worth knowing, get away.

He’s doing exactly this, and I am amazed that so many posters seem to think he’s done nothing wrong.

Ok, some posters are amicable or even friends with their exes. But their exes aren’t actively sniffing around them and trying to get them back. That’s a massive difference.

If any of my exes sent me a message like she sent your DP, knowing that I am in a relationship, they’d be getting told to piss off. I wouldn’t be encouraging them and basically bragging about it to my DP. Because that would be such a cunty thing to do.

"Devo" 🤢

Being deeply in love after 6 months with a man who is messing with your head and whose head YOU are messing with , is both juvenile and silly. 🙂

However if you are happy being deeply in love with someone I'd suggest you really don't know very well, then I wish you all the very best

🤣🤣

Isn't that an American band? 🙄

Really? You wouldn't tell a man how you were feeling in a relationship? Isn't that game playing, and not giving the relationship a fair go? or him a chance to resolve things?

Im australian. Apologies for how we talk! lol

So he came over last night. Bit awks. He did a big dramatic, 'shes gone all her family are gone'. I just said, 'well how does that make you feel' and he said, 'fine, i don't care about her i just care about you', and I said 'well thank you, but id just rather not talk about it anymore'. And we haven't.

Uh huh. Well, it's your bed and looks like you're determined to lie in it. Enjoy the drama.

Genuinely why do you think that? I feel ive nipped it in the bud now. Whilst I would like to know why the fuck he was even friends with her in the first place - was it attention etc, I really just don't want to give it any oxygen by talking about her or the incident anymore and just get on with being us. You think there will be more drama with it? If there is, then im out. Hes lovely but Im way too old for this shit.

You both sound about 15 years old.

Ok. Can you explain why I do? Because this bothered me? you think it shouldn't have?

I think you were love bombed and maybe what @GRex meant about “reveal “ was him showing a little more of his true self once he thought you were hooked.

He said he wouldn’t have liked being in your position. When his ex first contacted him he could have politely replied saying he was in a relationship , wished her well but didn’t want any contact with her. If she contacted him again he could have blocked her. He didn’t need to tell you about any of it because had he shut it down and blocked her straight away there would have been nothing to tell.

As it is he’s done exactly that (apparently) but only after causing you some concern, which he knew would happen because he’s said he wouldn’t like it if you did it to him. But now you are feeling a bit anxious and deflated and wondering if your relationship will continue as it had been. He’s put you on the back foot with and knows that you will tolerate this kind of mini drama and not question how he handled her approaching him to reconcile.

If you decide to stay with him be prepared for him to put you in similar situations that will cause you unhappiness and test your commitment to him.

I won't tolerate it though. Ive made it crystal clear I don't do this. I want calm and secure and I deserve better. Hes apologised over and over, and now Ive put it to bed. But right now I do feel its changed things - a little - for me. I feel a bit wary.

You are somewhat just relying on his ‘easy to say’ words, I guess. And now you’ve closed the subject down.

Has he properly considered whether her being single again makes him feel anything? I guess I’d want to be certain that he is not leaving the door ajar for her, and that he has thought about it and decided to close it very firmly.

I’d want him to know how the whole episode has made me feel and want his actions to confirm his assertion that she is now in the past.

The fact that he hasn’t already unfriended her is a major red flag! You’ve already made it clear you don’t like it and yet he hasn’t….

Because you’re in your 50’s and acting like a hormone-fuelled teenager who doesn’t know any better.

You’re not “deeply in love” with a random bloke you’ve known six months who still talks about his ex constantly and who has practically tried to move himself in with you.

ever hears the line “methinks he protests too much?” has he not been talking to her since June or has he just deleted the messages between them since then? He might have just told her also to block you from her fb page so it looks like he’s not friends with her anymore if you look 🙄 wouldn’t believe a word he says!

I did. I said yesterday that if her being single again meant he needed time to consider what that means for him, then he needs to do that, its not fair to me otherwise. He reassured me that he wouldn't be interested in her even if she was single, and he loves me and is committed to me. So we did have that conversation.

I shut it down now, because it just feels like drama, and part of me worries hes loving the 'this woman is obsessed with me' bit and I don't want to feed it. What im hoping is thats it now and it won't come up again. If it does then I will know my instinct is right, hes getting something out of it, and really Im sure that will give me the ick so bad. He also knows how the whole episode made me feel cos i told him. That it made me feel insecure, jealous, and very very unsettled and I didn't like it and I dont want to feel like that again. I think it scared him tbh. I hope it bloody did. Lets see.

he has.

Then I think your approach is bang on.
If this rears its head again, you have covered all the bases and he has no excuse.
Fingers crossed that’s the end of it! 🤞🤞

I know he's unfriended her now, but wanting him to do it without asking/feeling like you are being controlling by saying what you want etc... that's a red flag, on both sides. Wanting partners to mind read what you want is manipulative as it sort of becomes a test for them- also it's absolutely fine and normal in a healthy relationship to say out loud the thing you would like them to do or not do. The fact that you are almost a bit afraid of doing this (unless I've misunderstood?) isn't a good sign.

I personally couldn't be arsed with this amount of drama, especially 6 months in- it should be fun and easy!

I would tend, rather than say that their behaviour made me feel jealous or insecure, to say that I find their behaviour unattractive.

Take a deep breath.
He is with you, if he wanted to rekindle the relationship, he would have before meeting you.
She's an ex, she'll stay an ex, if you're unhappy, be honest with him, suggest that he has to close the door on the ex.