Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

[amibeingaknob]

So I have extremely lovely boyfriend - whom I am deeply in love with and he is with me (or so he says). Its quite early doors (6 months) but we have been spending lots of time together and very quickly into each other iykwim. He basically lives at my place of late. Im making that point because in the past 8 years of dating I have never gotten this close this quickly and its extremely lovely. I believed he was the one tbh after quite the time looking (Im 51 - past shitbox of a marriage).

Anyway, his previous girlfriend who he told me all about. He was in love with her , but she cheated on him with her childs father, he dumped her (but took some time to get over her), and they remained in touch as 'friends' (that part I don't get cos they didn't see each other just chatted a bit on text I think), and he said she spent about a year trying to get him back. He always said he wasnt interested, and she is with someone else. She was due to get married now.

This was all I really knew and I wasn't interested cos not my business. I did think it was odd they were facebook friends but he said they barely talk so I just didn't worry, cos we spend all our time together and its all good. HOWEVER, this weekend he started telling me how she is single, the wedding didnt happen she has been posting about how devo she is, how she has been treated so badly. I asked a bit more and he showed me that she had messaged him an old lovely dovey picture of them together in June with a 'how sad' and a sad emoji. Theres been no contact since - or so it seems - but they are still friends of facebook.

It made me feel very very insecure, threatened and panicky. I went quiet, and he reacted really lovingly telling me how sorry I was, how much he loved me, he wasn't interested in her - yada yada, and that he would unfriend. I said a woman you were once in love with, and pursued you for a year, sent you a very obvious 'i want you back' message just 2 months ago and is now newly single!!!! And we were together then. I asked how he would feel if it were him, he said he would hate it. I said I would never tell someone what to do, but I do not want to EVER feel insecure and jealous again - its a hideous awful emotion and I don't deserve to feel it. I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he can do with that information what he wants. Obviously I wanted him to have unfriended and blocked her but I have checked today and they are still friends on there.

I just feel the whole thing is immature and just not something I want any part of. Im 51 ffs and Im checking someones facebook friends, its just not me, I hate it. Its put me right off tbh. I don't want to feel this teen angst knot in my stomach. Up until now, it felt like such a healthy, secure love. So different from my marriage which was awful. This has been exactly what I wanted and needed. But I just feel there is this woman out there, newly single and heartbroken, who is now going to go hellbent on pursuing my fella. And worse - he is just still facebook friends with her - and they aren't even bloody friends! I find that baffling and disrespectful. It makes me feel maybe he enjoys the attention from her? He is getting something out of it surely, because he doesn't want to be with her (allegedly). I dunno my gut is saying he wants her chasing. I really don't want a bar of this dynamic though. Apart from this, he makes me incredibly happy and I haven't felt this way in years!

So am I just completely overreacting, being a jealous knob and worrying about nothing and ruining something completely fabulous because Ive been fucked over in the past? Or is this something to worry about?

TIA

As if you care that she/they will be upset! (If indeed the relatives would be, I can see that she would be, but so what? He owes her nowt). I hope the blocking doesn't lead to more direct non-Facebook forms of contact. But he can block her elsewhere too.

Discussing exes as a one off conversation, I get. Continuing to talk about an ex, to your new partner I don't. Unless it's in the context of shared children.
That he initiated a conversation with you about how she didn't get married, is now single and then showed you a photo she sent him as well- it just suggests to me that he's not really over the relationship.

It may be that he just wanted his ex to feel regret rather than wanting you to play "pick me". That he stayed "friends" on Facebook so that she would have a constant reminder of what she threw away.

If so, it's not ideal that he was playing this game, but at least he was playing it with her rather than with you, and now he's realised what's important and what's not.

Would he have got a notification she had become single, or woudl he had to look?

I talk about my ex husband a lot - because of what I learnt from the relationship (about what I dont want) and how Ive changed. He talked about his ex wife and this woman in the same vein. I don't have an issue with that. We both were very different people, and had mental health crisis from it, and then had therapy. We have a lot in common about that. I like the way he thinks (this incident aside) and his emotional intelligence and strength. So yeah, we talk about it in that vein not in a wistful way - quite the opposite.

You know I never thought of that, but actually that does make sense. He did say that she put him through hell and it made him annoyed that she found someone else so quickly, and was getting married, and he sometimes felt like why and it felt unfair, but then he met me. So yeah, maybe that is it???

He was very keen to make us public on facebook - I didnt want to. I dont do facebook, and I think all the relationship stuff is icky. But he really wanted to.

I would never tell any man that his actions made me feel jealous / insecure or jealous, he now knows he has the ability to do this and can do it again in the future if he wants, you have left yourself open to potential abuse

I think he may be seeking to resolve his hurt and prove something to himself, and his ex through the new relationship with you. That’s not healthy. He has not fully processed what happened. It will continue to cast a shadow. Doesn’t mean he is a horrible person but he may not be ready for a relationship.

I personally would end the relationship. I have no time or patience for this type of thing.

She's on the back burner..
He's enjoying having his ego stroked.. Won't be long til it's more than his ego she's stroking..

If your DH kept contact with someone who did that wouldn't you think he was being disrespectful to you? Instead of him telling them where to go and blocking?

But he offered to unfriend her, and you apparently told him not to and said 'Do what you want, it's up to you'. You essentially set him a test, without actually telling him it was a test, and are now pissed off because he 'failed' a test when he didn't even know it existed.

Personally, I think the whole dynamic of your relationship sounds a bit unhealthy - you both sound quite intense to me, all this being deeply in love after only a few months and spending all your time together so early on - and I suspect you're both playing mind games with each other, him by telling you about this stuff with his ex and you by not being honest with him and just telling him how you feel and what you'd prefer him to do.

Honestly? I’d say and do nothing, put it out of your mind. It’s only been 6 months between you. If he decides to go off with this other woman, better to know now. See how he handles all of this, as it’s a good way of figuring him out a bit more.
Also, not saying your insecurity is misplaced (not saying it’s justified either), but if you’ve had a rubbish relationship in the past, it’s bound to have an impact on how you respond to and feel about things with this relationship.

Absolutely agree with @BauhausOfEliott

You both sound incredibly juvenile. Mind games and "deeply in love" ??? What a lot of silliness

If she is his FB friend and has been posting about splitting up with her fiancé then your bf would see that on his news feed, he wouldn't have to go searching her page. Anything a FB friend posts appears on your feed.

Im a little bit confused by it all, and may have misunderstood. This ex has split from her fiancé and has been posting about it on FB. She's sent one message direct to your bf with a photo (of her and her fiance, or her and your bf?) and you seem to think she's pursuing your bf again? Maybe she just wanted some sympathy. If there has been no further contact since June then I don't know why you're getting so upset. If you don't trust him then there is no relationship. I wouldn't tell him who he can or cannot have as a friend on FB, but I'd be clear with him that I'd his ex starts messaging him direct on other apps trying to get chatty, then I'd expect him to clearly set a boundary and be clear with her he's in a happy relationship and does not want to be a text buddy.

Ok a different take (I haven’t read all the dots). I met and got engaged to my late husband within six weeks and we were married a year later, so your speed doesn’t bother me. As fur FB, I have loads of ‘friends’ who have long past been in my life but unfriending them seems kinda… unfriendly!
And I had a flatmate for about a year who I used to be in a relationship with a few years earlier - we managed to be friends without issue.

He actually did say he would unfriend, but he hasn't. This is the bit that snags for me. I would have to ask him why.

I would tell him that you understand that he likes the attention from ex and that she finds him interesting now when he has moved on. However you are all grown up so if he needs to have his ego stroked by anyone else than you you're out.

That points very much to him wanting to show you off, and to the reason for him keeping her as a facebook friend being to show her he's moved on. (I agree it is cringe and a bit undignified of him)

Sorry OP, just saw your update and it seems sorted on that front now.

No its fine. That was really my only issue. Although I still don't get why this all happened.

To the poster who was unclear - no he hasn't heard from her direct since June. She sent a lovey dovey old pic of those two together with it captioned saying something about it coming up on her memories and feeling sad and a sad emoji. We were together then.

What annoys me a bit as well is he's a very jealous person himself which he admits readily. He would absolutely hate it if i was talking to an ex. I told him the other day about how i love to compliment strangers (if I think it I say it), but only women cos men think you like them which is a shame cos we all like compliments. I was just being chatty, and he said how much he would not like it if i did that. He also got a bit huffy ( i think it was jokey but not sure) when I kept drooling over pierce brosnan the other night in Murder Club. Fine figure of a man. Oh and if people have chatted me up or looked at me in the pub he gets a bit twitchy. Sooooo if the shoe was on the other foot he would have had a right tanty.

It is a bit. I refused to have my pic up there, i just don't like facebook, but he did a sneaky. It really does make me feel like im at school - rubbing me in the face of his ex who hurt him.

Red flags all over this.

I'm friends with an ex of mine. He's a lovely person with a lovely family. We also had years after we split up to get back together if we'd wanted. But I agree, he should not be virtually living at your house after six months. You don't know him enough

Being in love is silliness? Ok. More than happy to be silly.

What is with everyone and thinking talking about love is weird/intense/red flag. Isn't that what we all want afterall? I don't want a friend. I want someone Ive fallen in love with. And for me, im never a slow burn - I fall quick and hard or not at all. Believe me ive tried slow burn.

And anyway, I don't think there is a time thing on these things. And when you know you know - especially at 51 and having been round the block many times lol.