Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

@IBEANno nobody does believe that you're correct, because at no point did I say she works 7 days a week in a client's home, i said that she handed over my daughter to her mother as she didn't want daughter living between 3 homes, but you carry on making a fool of yourself purely because you don't want to believe that some mothers can be crap whilst some dads are amazing

Yanbu (you would get different answers if you were female). I would go to court for custody. It isn't in your DDs best interests to live in unsuitable accom with a GP rather than a seemingly loving and involved parent who actively wants her. Terrible parenting from her mum who clearly isn't putting her DD first.

Some of the responses on here would not be like this if it were the other way around. If it was Dad leaving his child with his mother in conditions like that there’s no doubt in my mind the overwhelming majority would be telling the Mum to stop the 50:50 arrangement and keep the child. Also picking up on the alligator point, surely everyone knew this didn’t actually mean alligators and was a auto spelling issue so there was no need for the pile on re that

I suspect your ex has a new boyfriend who she wants to spend nights with.

Was a much better thread when it was alligators roaming the streets-that's one I will read... 🐊🐊

Otherwise she has sorted childcare.
hold on-read thread above as I was typing-is it a permanent move? Am confused. Does the mum live elsewhere?
Not sure if a court will take her wishes into account at 8? But I'm sure other posters will know.

The suitability of the accommodation is a different issue to the custody and care of the child whilst she is with her mum. By all means challenge the suitability of the care - have at it. But it doesn't mean a parent can't have 50% custody. There is a very good chance they'll be given custody and told to make sensible childcare arrangements (which a grandparent could be) or get a different job. If you go to court it will literally be put to you that you need to choose.

It's not a few days though is it. OP and ex are 50/50 a week each. Exactly is handing over their DD to live with Gran during her 50%.

Go to a solicitor now. It doens t matter about the 50/50, u have to prove that ur child is being exposed to second hand smoke and lives in a house with no proper bed, without her mum or dad. And for all u man bashers would u like your kids to be stinking of smoke all the time, get a grip, if the mum decided to take that job, dad should step up and take her full time, mum can come and see her take her anything when she’s off. This is the mum taking an unsociable job, doesn’t mean the child has to suffer because of it. Such hypocrites. U all moan when dads do fuck all then when there’s one who has genuine concerns u all bash him too. Hope it’s not ur son or
grandchild in this position one day.

@MrsMitford3mum has her own rented two bedroom home but has gave daughter to her mother who lives in a filthy one bedroom flat eith no bedroom or bed for daughter, mum will not be having daughter living with her from this point forward and will visit daughter occasionally at her mother's flat

The sexism towards the OP on half the responses here is utterly disappointing. Grow up people.

At least read the OP posts.
50/50 custody does not demand CM payments, yet OP is paying voluntarily £250/pw!

As I suspected, this is all about money.

This is no longer 50/50 as she is giving her 50% to her mum. That’s not on. Seek legal advice. If it were me I’d not be sending her back to gran’s but that’s probably not advised so do asap consult a lawyer.

I understand this is mainly for mothers but im a desperate dad just trying to get my daughter out if a shit situation, i seen her yesterday and she was so upset as she hates living in the filthy flat with no bed or room. I thought mothers would be kind and want to offer help (I know some have) but the fact ahy so many are simply taking mums side or laughing about alligators is disappointing, I'd be torn apart as a dad if I pissed off and left my daughter in a shitty dirty flat with no room etc all whilst expecting my ex to pay me £250pw

Get legal advice now OP. That poor little girl deserves better.

This all sounds very odd.

So she has handed “custody” (residence) of your joint dd to her mother for all of her time with her child, even though she’s only working some nights and not all seven?

So she doesn’t have her child at all except for visits, but her child doesn’t have any belongings at the grandma’s and lives out of a duffle bag? Are you sure you’ve got it all correct?

If so, I would absolutely go back to court for full residency at yours. You’ll probably find that she changes her tune and wants some of the time with dd at hers (rather than her Mums) if you do that - the nights she doesn’t work for example.

This seems harsh, but it reads like she doesn’t want dd to live with you full time because she doesn’t want to pay you maintenance. Is that likely to be correct? I’m guessing overnight caring doesn’t pay that well.

Why should he pay the ex £1k per month when his daughter isn't living with her?

You sound really bitter and determined to twist anything he says

Is it a typo for "Alsatians"??

You obviously need legal advice and to go to court. Nothing anyone says on here will make her mum give you full custody. What anyone else thinks is irrelevant noise.

I like this Ibean character.

Not too subtle but gets the people going.

The black eyed peas of baiting.

Get to court for a child arrangement order. Your daughter is sleeping on a sofa, living out of a bag, in a smokers flat for 50% of the time. This is not appropriate housing. It’s neglect.

If her mother cannot provide care for her during her 50%, your DD should be in a home where she is well cared for.

And yet if OP was a woman no one would bat an eyelid. 🙄

@Neil90 How does work look for you when you have your daughter? Clearly Mum has to work and you can't always be choosy re hours.
Are you in a position to help out financially? Do you offer anything in way of maintenance? What are housing circumstances for you both?

How is it all about money when there has never been any need for him to pay since custody is 50/50? Honestly the mental gymanstics some will do to absolve mums of any blame is wild. Some men are good dads and some women are terrible mums shocker.