Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

I see a different side to you in this reply, not the supplicant any more. Again, why can't you just pay her and also let your daughter stay an extra couple of nights with you, especially as it is possibly only temporary. I think mediation is needed here, there are clearly two sides to this story.

I would suggest messaging ex and explain your concerns that your not happy with dd living at her dg's house for the full 50% because of the smoking and lack of bedroom. Repeat your verbal offer of temporary full time living at yours until she has a job that offers better hours; and reiterate she can have whatever access she wants going forward and add dd's wishes. Hopefully she will reply with a message affirming her plans, which will help you immensely should you wish to take it further.
I'm not taking sides, it sounds like your ex is trying to do her best to provide by getting a job, and you sound like a caring considerate df, but ultimately the needs of dc come first. I would suggest family solicitor first over ss as bringing ss into it could wreck a pretty good co parenting arrangement so far.

Stop the cash and speak to a solicitor.

@IBEANwhat is your problem? I'm a dad who works hard for my daughter and pays my ex £250 every week even though I don't have to and she's passed off and dumped her daughter in a horrible flat with no bedroom and you honestly still are taking the mothers side, you need to read what I've posted before trying to comment, i can't simply just ask for daughter full time as ex has said no

@ForgetMeNotRoseI did not know this, this is helpful to know, I will look in your this.

Your daughter living at Grandma's was not the original 50/50 deal. If ex won't let her libe with you, but doesn't want her herself, yes definitely go to court and fight for her.

In case there is any confusion I do not have to pay my ex a single penny, i have my daughter 50% of the time, i choose to give my ex £250pw and have still sent it this week but going forward will not be sending her money as she no longer cares for our daughter, i will not be paying the money to grandma as im not funding her smoking and not convinced it will go towards my daughter

Why don’t you just take her the nights your ex works?

You need to decide what your issue is.

Is it that she is not (in your opinion) caring for the child herself or enough of the time?

Or is it the safeguarding issue?

They both have merit, but they aren't actually linked and require different approaches to deal with in terms of the law and authorities. And I am telling you from experience that the first one is not generally viewed as that big of a deal by courts.

@BigBirdOfPreythat's literally what this post is about, the fact that my ex will not allow me to do just that

Good!

But I would suggest to ex first that you keep the current maintenance payment in return for you having dd on nights she is working and therefore dd doesn’t stay regularly at her grandma’s.

If she refuses, stop the maintenance.

I should also say that your suggestion that your ex no longer wishes to care for her daughter is most unpleasant and given the history over 7 years, I simply do not believe that. She is probably just in need of more money and an overnight likely pays more, you could try paying her more so that she does not need to do overnights, another solution you do not consider. Frankly the whole story does not ring true, there is more going on here.

You need to go to court to have it sorted.

You sound like a brilliant dad.

I feel like if I were in your shoes (although I'm a woman) I would probably refuse to allow my child to go there. Get legal advice ASAP.

If you have serious safety concerns and your dd has told you she doesn't want to be there then I would find it hard to let her go.

I guess if you did that it would be on your ex to pay a solicitor & take you to court?

Police & Children's services won't be interested as they'll say it's a custody issue, which it is.

If the situation were reversed & you were the female & your male ex was doing this it would be a different opinion from most people on here.

@IBEANmore money? More than the £1000 she gets a month from me, plus her wages, plus help with her rent, plus child benefit plus universal credit

IBEAN, either engage with the OP’s post or leave him alone. Implying he is lying doesn’t help anyone.

Because when you separate, courts will consider the best interest of the child but also how able a parent is to work to support the child and their life as a single parent. If one parent constantly changes work patterns or works unsocial/ireggular hours etc. it will affect the ability of the other parent to live a normal life. Courts will put a childcare pattern in place and tell the parent working awkward/changeable shifts to either get another job or arrange childcare.

I would speak to a family lawyer about taking steps to have full custody, I’m afraid. The needs of the child - safe permanent home, with at least one parent full time, and not exposed to second hand smoke. Social services may also be worth a call as this child does not even have a bed, let alone a bedroom and she is living with a chain smoker.

But could she be worried you’d expect her to pay you a certain amount or maybe she doesn’t want to loose the £250pw that you currently pay?

Oh! Well done 🤣

It's not childcare though it's a permanent move into Grans and there is no bed for her, you really think the court wouldnt care about this?

@Coconutter24she will definitely know i wouldn't request any money from her, she worked daytime shifts and gets benefits on top of my £1000pm so she's not short of money, I'm not sure if that's the reason she's refusing but it wouldn't make sense to take the night shifts and hand daughter over to her ex because im not going to carry on paying her £1000 whilst she doesn't have our daughter in her care so any extra money she is making doing night work is going to be cancelled out by the loss of my payments

Doesn’t seem to make sense to switch to a night time job and move daughter permanently out of her flat to an unhealthy and cramped situation. Do you think someone has moved in with her, or she’s moved out? Do you have confirmation of her new job? I agree with the other posters - would definitely speak to a solicitor and get some guidance from an expert! You’re doing the right thing and have every right to be concerned.

I agree it is not ideal. However, court will be costly and unlikley to be successful (your ex is ensuring DD is looked after and many parents chain smoke around their kids, sadly and SS do not intervene)
If the grandma won't look after the girl at the girl's home, I would suggest the following:
Grandma smokes outside / at the very least out the window or in another room.
The daughter is given a campbed to sleep on

All the best !