Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

Of course the ex isn't doing 7 nights but you are now making a complete fool of yourself as OP has said several times that regardless of how many nights ex is doing she is giving up caring for OPs DD and moving her into her Grans for her contact time. The whole week.

My most wonderful grandmother smoked.

Stop paying her £250 per week.

Are you smoking crack? Why on earth would he pay her more when he shouldn’t even be paying her in the first place!! Oh yes, because he’s a man and mumsnet hate men.
your responses are so ridiculous that I think you’re on the wind up.

OP, first step in any court proceedings would be mediation, so sort out mediation and go from there.
this is a wholly unsuitable setup for your daughter and I think any court would agree about that.
I also think there’s more to it with her mum, I think the likelihood is that she’s seeing someone or moved someone in and having her daughter there isn’t convenient for her anymore.
Either wayway, she sounds like a shitty mum. You appear to be a really good dad. Advocate for your daughter.

I'll be honest, none of this makes sense to me.

Well it certainly sounds like your DD is best off living with you. If there is no court order in place then just move her in and tell her mum she's living with you. If she's not happy she'll have to go to court and I can't imagine any court thinking sleeping on a sofa in a smoke filled flat would be to your dd's benefit.
Odd choice for her mother to make given you've said you're flexible and she presumably doesn't work every night.

I think you should put down the vino

@everychildmattersI work around my daughter, im my own boss so can be flexible and my wife is a home Baker so she's home most days

I actually agree with this. Simply dont give her back. Let your ex take you to court. Someone needs to put that poor girl first.

A smart home with a non smoking person in it is not automatically better than a messy ill -furnished one with a smoking grandmother.

@IBEAN
The OP pays his ex £1000 per month that he does not have to pay. He is saying he won't be paying his ex the money if she is not going to have his DD living with her as she is now living 50% at the ex's mothers house.
For all your pontifical words - you seem unable to process very simple basic English.

In fact, do you have parental responsibility? If so, I would just refuse to return DD to the grandmother‘s flat. If you have PR and there is no court order in place you would not be breaking any laws. I would invite her mother to visit her at your house.

If DH and I separated and he wanted our children to spend 50% of their time in a dirty smoke filled flat sleeping on a sofa and living out of a bag there’s not a chance I’d let them go. Especially if they hated it there. I’d sooner let him take me to court.

@heroinechicthis crossed my mind but I just didn't want to do anything that would make me look bad in court

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Don't try to backtrack now.

We need pics.

And I assume your parents were happy for you to be around her when she smoked?

The OP is not.

Please do not give legal advice here, you are not qualified to do so. You have no idea what it could result in.

For those wondering why I paid £250pw, I do it so that my daughter can have the same quality of life at her mother's as she does mine, myself and my wife each have our own businesses and make decent money, ex worked as a daytime carer, whilst also receiving benefits and help towards rent and my £1000pm so was not short on cash, i also pay for all school uniforms, trips, clubs etc so there's no reason for her to randomly decide to work nights and dump daughter with her mum

I am fanatic about smoking around children. It’s a selfish and disgusting thing to do. My mother smoked 40 a day when I was a child and I have all sorts of health problems. So I agree with you it’s not ideal for your daughter at all. If she’s not having her at her house then what’s the point of 50/50 custody?

No but having a bed to sleep in is essential.

If you're a solicitor, I will eat my hat.

You lack basic knowledge.

It's entirely credible if ex has a new BF who doesn't want DD around.

Thank you! That makes more sense now.

Please resolve this amicably with your ex, maybe with mediation, if you possibly can.
Otherwise, you need proper legal advice on this. You could potentially go down a legal path that would end up with you having your daughter living with you permanently, but be warned it would be a long, expensive and stressful journey.

💯
The woman is an idiot!!!!