Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

Unfortunately court might be the best option, speak with a solicitor at least! If the child is living with grandma and mum visits her there it’s unfair on the child to be sleeping on a sofa and living out a bag. Is your ex worried about having to pay you maintenance if you were to have her full time?

Alligators?!

Well in that case you go to court and make sure there's time put aside for mum to see dad on her days off but she lives with you. Also report straight to SS. If there's no court order in place then you just keep the child at yours.

Ok so that is different her moving in permanently to just for childcsre

get some legal advice and take it from there

Ffs it’s obviously a typo and a hundred other PP have noted this. OP is looking for advice on what is a serious issue, can we move past the typo!

@Coconutter24i don't think she would be worried about maintenance, i actually pay her £250pw purely out of choice as I don't have to do this and im sure she knows I'd never ask her for money, I've still sent over this week's payment.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

In my experience a court will not be interested. It's her time and she can arrange her life and childcare as she pleases. And probably should be able to tbh - presumably this is her job and what she does when the kids are with you too.

Agreed. It's very different to using her for childcare which is how you OP made it seem and you need proper advice from a lawyer not people on MN.

Yeah why... What's different about this op to others who are seeking advice regarding custody and their ex's unsuitable living arrangements?

There must be some reason ...

This message makes me suspicious. I see no problem with her sleeping at your house instead of her mum's if your ex agrees but it is never going to be 7 days a week and probably only a couple of nights, tops. So to jump from 50/50 rather than a couple of nights is highly suspicious because you don't offer it as a solution, you want 100% custody. So why? Is money involved in this. I do not think you are being candid and yes a judge is going to wonder why you won't have her for an extra couple of nights because it makes no sense. Something else is at play herein I suspect it is something to do with money, do you pay maintenance, do you think you can get out of if if you have her 24/7 but not if she only stays a couple of nights. Are you the bigger earner? Perhaps explain all this before anyone can give advice.

@NewAtThisSingleStuffits not childcare she's handed my child over to her mother, so that her mother has her alone 50% of the time with mum occasionally visiting

I would say to your ex that daughter will be living with you from now on as you see it as a safeguarding issue her sleeping on a sofa in a smoky flat and she needs a proper bed to sleep on etc. Make it clear that she is welcome to see her, take her out etc, have her at home when she isn't working nights but you will be prioritising your daughter feeling secure. Let school and social services know, speak to a solicitor ASAP about you been the resident parent

I think this is a material change to the agreement because your daughter is living with her grandmother, not her mother. It’s called residence and if she’s residing with her grandmother you can ask a court to insist it’s with her mother or with you full time.

I also think it’s about money for your ex. £250 a week is a lot and if your ex loses residence to you, she gets nothing. I doubt it costs her that much as the grandmother is presumably paying for your daughter’s food, and arguably your ex could move to a cheaper one bed home as a consequence.

You might be able to get Social Services involved as she’s not living with a parent. They are likely to say she needs her own room, though watch out for grandma saying she’s on the sofa and your daughter is in the bedroom.

I would advise you to seek legal advice and see what they say.

Why would he pay maintenance at 50/50.

More logical issue is the mum is shoving her daughter in a smoke filled flat to the child's detriment without a bed because she doesn't want to pay maintenance

This is about what’s best for your daughter and the new arrangement sounds miserable. But best to ask her. I wonder if you ex doesn’t want to pay you child support. I hope this gets sorted for the best outcome for your daughter.

@IBEANsorry? I have my daughter 50% of the time whilst my ex has dumped her daughter on her mother and no longer wishes to care for her so im trying to her my daughter full time so that my little 8 year old is not stuck living in a horrible dirty one bedroom flat whilst sleeping in a sofa stinking of smoke and living out of a duffle bag, and yes maintenance is involved as I pay my ex £250 every week even though I don't have to because I have my daughter 50% of the time

As a kid who spent every day of every school holiday sitting on a sofa next to a chain smoking grandmother, i'm on your side here.
Not only did the smell make me feel constantly sick,
I worry all the time what damage all that second hand smoke has done to me, especially after losing 2 grandparents to smoking related cancer. (including said chain smoking grandmother) Then when i was 20 lost my mum to smoking related cancer that spread to her brain. It was traumatising to see, and i'm beyond angry Gran thought it was fine to do that with young kids in her care. At home mum always smoked outside and visitors weren't allowed to smoke in the house, but Gran always had to have one lit, not 2 minutes after one went out, the next was lit.
No kid should have to be around that.

Or lose the £250 a week the OP is paying her.

I see you have mentioned money above but with no formal agreement, perhaps she simply does not trust you. Why don't you just make an offer for her to sleep at yours and why is this not suggested as a solution?

Stop the money! Tell her you'll give her £250 per month if she lets dd stays with you on nights she is working.

Sorry you've had some shitty responses, some posters can't help their bias against fathers.

Unnecessary.

Essentially your ex has handed her custody over to her mother, so she isn’t sharing custody at all any more. She only visits her daughter. You technically would then be sharing custody with your ex’s mother. This absolutely isn’t the court agreement and I don’t think any court would look kindly on your ex simply moving her daughter out and into someone else’s house, away from her mother and where she doesn’t want to live.

Surely if she's handed her over to the grandma this is essentially a private fostering arrangement, which actually the local authority would need to know about. You can't just move your child out to live with someone else, there would need to be an assessment from children's services.

I wonder if the potential loss of £250 per week (£1000 per month is not a small sum) is making her unwilling to allow you to have full custody? Perhaps the expectation is there that you will continue paying this if your 8 yo lives with the granny for 50 per cent of the time, or with your ex..

i would definitely push for full custody - it is completely unsuitable for your daughter to be sleeping on someone’s sofa for 50 per cent of her time..