Ex partner handing care of our daughter over to her mother and I'm not happy about it.

[Neil90]

I apologise that this is long but I'm a dad in need of some advice from anyone who's been through similar or knows how it works.

I have an 8 year old daughter with my ex partner, we share custody 50/50 this was mutually agreed 7 years ago when we split.

Fine relationship we get along fine and never usually have any disagreements about our daughter

Last week ex decided to start doing overnight care work so she stays in the client's home all night with them and due to this has decided to give our daughter to her mother to care for whilst its her time, I've told her im not happy with this and that if she is not able to or does not wish to care for our daughter then she is to come to me full time, her mother is a nice lady but chain smokes in her flat, its a tiny one bedroom cluttered flat in a rough area and im not happy with my daughter living there 50% of the time.

The main issues I've pointed out to ex are

I'm not happy with her being stuck in a small flat with someone who chain smokes, there are health problems linked to excessive second hand smoke.

The condition of the flat, its messy and cluttered and generally not in great condition.

Daughter does not have a bedroom in the flat, she's sleeping on the sofa whilst keeping her clothes in a duffle bag, i seen my daughter yesterday and she stinks of smoke.

There is some young lads who have a flat on her street, little thugs who are in all sorts of trouble but the real issue is that they have two big alligators that run loose on the street with no control whatsoever, I'm sick with the thought of one of them getting my daughter because she wouldn't stand a chance against them.

I'm also just not happy that she's going to be raised by a grandparent half the time whilst she has a loving family here that can take care of her.

I'm married with a step child who is 9, my daughter gets on great with her step mum and step sister so no problems in that area, she has a lovely room here all to herself and a garden full of toys etc, she's able to ride her bike and be a child whilst here but when she's with her grandma she's stuck in a tiny one bed flat and can't go outside due to rough people on the street and the dogs.

My ex is refusing to let me have our daughter full time as she feels like she won't be a parent if I have her all the time, I'm more than happy for her to see daughter whenever she wishes with absolutely no restrictions, she's welcome in my home, welcome to take daughter whenever she likes and call whenever she likes, have her when she's off work and holidays but she's standing firm and refusing this.

We've never been to court over daughter before as we've always had a fine relationship and put her first but im thinking court will be my only option. Does anyone with experience of this know how it would go? Is it likely to go in my favour?

I'm worried because I have autism, high functioning autism but a good lawyer could easily make me fold under pressure in court, i own my own home and business, im a good dad and husband and my daughter has never came in to danger or anything like that in my care but a lawyer would have nothing else to use against me apart form my autism and I would 100% get overwhelmed in court under the pressure.

I never said anything about renting.
He has his child 50% of the time.
He voluntarily gives his child's mother £1K per month. He doesn't need to do that, but he does it anyway.
The mother is taking the piss. 💯
And now the child will not be staying in her own mother's house, as she will be in her Grandma's smoke ridden flat, with no bed or bedroom.
He should go for full custody. 💯
Edited to say... i hope it all gets worked out for the daughter.

Really? Where the child doesn't even have a bedroom and is sleeping on the sofa? The child is there almost full time too. You would absolutely not be saying this if the roles were reversed and the OP was the mum.
Come on!

The OP states that the mother has been housed by the Council

It doesn’t matter a jot how her housing situation changes. OP is not responsible for paying support to his ex wife. If he didn’t have 50/50 custody he would be paying for their child. As things stand he’s paying £1000 that he has no obligation to, and you’re still criticising and trying to find fault. Once again, you are letting your own personal circumstances project onto a situation that just isn’t the same. You sound very bitter.

Considering how many times you’ve posted here, he probably can’t get a word in edgeways !! Seriously. You are projecting your own experience, which is not the same as the OP. This is not about you.

@Rosscameasdoody I'm simply not blindly accepting his version of events as the whole truth. Fascinating he's not been back.

@Neil90 I have no experience to share or know enough legally. However you are entirely reasonable on your thinking and are putting your daughter first unlike your ex. I wish you well and hope you get your daughter out of her grand flat. Whether it’s back to 50/50 with mum or you solely. The situation she’s in sounds awful. I think some posters on here have been awful to you as well. I would definitely seek full custody and stop paying the ex anything. Good luck.

I don’t think it’s fascinating or an indication of anything. He came here for advice on what he can do about the situation and he got it. He doesn’t need to hang around to hear the unsolicited musings of someone who clearly has a grudge against men. We only ever get one side of a story. Given that, and the fact that he has clearly got what he wanted from the thread, why do you want him to come back ? So you can throw more shit based on your own experience, which has absolutely no bearing on anything here ?

@Rosscameasdoody Apologies - I had no idea you were a family court judge 😀

I’m not surprised he hasn’t been back with all the hate that he’s had thrown at him! I’d run a mile if I was him. The misandry on MN is actually shocking. He’s a dad who wants to provide a safe and stable upbringing for his child. Isn’t that what all these MNers are always banging on about how that’s what they wish dads would do?! 🤣 as for people saying “it’s her time with her mum, it has nothing to do with you” is absolute bollocks. As if you only become a caring parent during the time they are physically in your presence 🤣 imagine this thread was reversed and it was the mum saying her dad has dumped her on grandma in a one-bed, smoke filled flat where she doesn’t even have a bed and sleeps on a sofa. It’d be “call the police!”, “get an emergency court order and go for full custody immediately!” But no, just because it happens to be a man trying to do the best for his kid, he must be in the wrong/lying about the situation/interfering. Of course he needs to try to intervene, he’s her father, he’d be irresponsible if he didn’t. But he’s a man so there is no possible way he can win on MN! I bet if was asking an unrelated question but described his daughter’s situation with her mum it’d be “why aren’t you doing anything about this?!” “Typical irresponsible dad not doing anything to protect his child” blah blah. There’s literally no way a man can get a helpful response for anything on MN, he could say his wife drugged him and beat him black and blue and he’d probably be told it was his fault 🤣🤣

@TheNewtPlayTheFlute Could you get a job at all? It might help you feel better about yourself. Hugs 💐

The trick when you are in a hole, is to stop digging.

@PyongyangKipperbang Yet another name change. It's all a little bit tedious now 😀

I love MN BTW ❤️

You are seriously embarrassing yourself! I dont know who you think I am but I havent name changed in years.

That's how I read it: that the daughter will now be living with her nan on her mum's 50%. So not childcare, as such, more a totally 'new' living arrangement - sleeping on nan's sofa when, by OP's admission, daughter has a perfectly good home with him the other 50% of the time.

Sounds to me like ex doesn't particularly want to parent, even half the time, but also doesn't want OP to parent full time. Is that right @Neil90 ?

No name change there, poster has been around for many years.

Cheers matey!

If you had a partner, the partner would share the load of childcare with you. So why is it different her mum/ the child’s grandparent doing it? Would you think it any different if a stranger of a childcare provider doing it???? It’s her time, she can access childcare on her own time

I’m sure you’d be the first to complain about her not working and being on benefits, but a working parent accessing childcare still gets complained about

She isn't using her mother as childcare. She is using her mother as a surrogate parent. The child is with the grandmother 100% of the mother's parenting time. I would have a problem with that if it were my child.

It’s really crap the kid has to stay with a smoker.

If someone came on here and said they had 50/50 care of their child and had chosen to send the child to live on their partner's sofa instead of with them, there would be unanimous disapproval from everyone. "Sharing the load" of parenting and dumping your child to live at someone else's house are completely different things. And many step-parents do not parent because it's not their role.

You'd want your kid living in a smokers house, with no bed, sleeping on the smokey couch and living out of a duffle bag for half of their life?

You're writing a narrative to suit yourself. Your ex needs to work. Her family is supporting her. If she is struggling financially you should help if you are in a position to.
Dont make things harder for your daughter