Parents Begging Their Children… What Happened to Parenting?

[Katherina198819]

Every time I’m out with my children- playgrounds, shops, playgroups, nursery pick-ups- I see it: parents begging their kids. A 3-year-old is playing happily in the sand, having the time of their life. The parent comes over and says, “Would you like to go?” Of course the child shouts “No!”—why wouldn’t they? They want to stay. The parent keeps pleading: “Please, let’s go… Would you like to put on your shoes?” The child gets frustrated; why would they want to put on shoes if they don’t want to leave? It goes on for 15 minutes, sometimes longer, until the child is finally dragged away screaming.

This isn’t a one-off: I see it constantly. We’ve entered a world where parents don’t really parent. They call it “embracing emotions” or “teaching moments”, but in reality, they’re not guiding their kids. Not everything has to be a lesson or an emotional workshop. Sometimes parenting is just about doing, not negotiating.

I think expecting children to make decisions like this sets them up for failure. They don’t understand that you need to go home, cook dinner, or do your tax paperwork; they only know you asked if they wanted to go, and they said no. Parenting isn’t therapy. Sometimes it’s just guidance, plain and simple.

Pick them up and carry them off. If they have a tantrum so be it. Stand firm and don’t give in.

Maybe not but she will become a vile little girl/teenager/adult fairly soon and the rest of us will have to put up with her.

I agree, this is the way to go.
Some choice is ok, but in limited situations, like when they are choosing what they are eating, like "would you like apple or a banana". Only offer them small number of choices and only those you're ok with. It helps with some tantrums, but in case op is describing, offering them choice to tell no is just bad parenting.

The worst I witnessed was when away with friends of ex h and the mum ASKED if her toddler wanted her nappy changed - she STANK and said no as was immersed in playing.

We were all holding our noses thinking 'JUST DO IT!'
This back and forth between mum and daughter went on for over 10 mins :(

Permissive / gentle ? You are the adult - do it !

I did as I was told because I feared my parents. Weirdly I don’t want my kids to be scared of me. But I wouldn’t beg them either.

Isn't this called modern parenting? I would be like: Come on. Time to go. You have been there playing for an hour. But then, again, in the modern world I would be shunned for my old fashioned and bossy personage.

Other parents do many, many things I wouldn't do and I don't often think they're inherently wrong - we all know there's no manual, they're also learning as they go along. I don't see the need to judge so harshly.

And there could be someone critizing you being gentle parent,warning your child we are going to leave in x amount of time instead of we are going,NOW.

I never hit my child. I may raise my voice, but I wouldn’t call it shouting.

I get that some children might need permissive parenting, but I also see it with family members and friends, and I know for a fact that their children don’t have PDA.

Because she's a nosey, interfering so-and-so (like most of us on here).

I was a proper crunchy granola, co sleeping, attachment parent but my rules were clear and my boundaries were solid. I didn’t expect them to make sudden transitions (letting them know if we needed to leave something soon etc) We weren’t a snacking household but if the school told one of our boys they were phoning mum their faces dropped! They knew there’d be consequences.

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I didn't negotiate with my twins when they were younger. It was very much we're doing such and such and I'll help you get ready kind of parenting.
But, I think friends who've been more 'gentle' with their children have helped their children better than I have with mine in transitions, maintaining regulation and/or critical thinking around choices.
Now they are a bit older (7.5, but developmentally younger, so around 5), I negotiate and compromise more.
It's easy to judge different parenting styles (and, yes, I am guilty of such (quietly)), however all of us are (mainly) trying to do our best, I think.

where did she say that ?

Fair enough. But this works for us. She has a personality that needs time to adjust- she likes to know how much time she has left to play, even though she probably doesn’t fully understand the concept of time.

I’m not saying parents shouldn’t talk or explain things to a child; my issue is with the begging and open-ended questions that allow children to say no.

You may well do that but lots of parents bribe the kids with sweets or screens to behave.

I totally agree with this. When mine were smaller my husband often used to ask them “Would you like to….” e.g. Would you like to have your bath now? What he meant was, it’s time for your bath, go upstairs. But what they heard was that they were being given a choice, so they often said no [no thank you, I’m enjoying this game, I don’t want to have my bath just now]. Fair enough. But then he would get cross that they were staying no, and they would get upset that their perceived choice was being taken away and and and….. you get the picture. I liked my way better 😆 “it’s bath time, up we go”. Fewer words, fewer opportunities for messing.

Saw a very nice little girl walking and training her puppy in a firm but fair way recently. The pup was sitting down as he clearly didn't want to leave the park. She just said quite firmly, "Tough. Home time" in a voice that brooked no argument and the dog instantly went along with her. I thought, that's a kid who has been raised right!

It's only the wet blanket parents who let their kids rule them that are saying that. Us ordinary parents totally get what you mean.

I was in a supermarket yesterday and there was a women in front of me with a child who was about 5. The child touched and moved everything in sight (including my groceries) and then somehow managed to set off an alarm on the barrier that closes off the till area. I had to stop the child removing the till closed sign that another staff member had come up and put on the belt. Not once did the mother parent her child.

This approach is also brilliant for kids with ASD.

Dr Phil (American psychologist) always said ‘don’t reward bad behaviour’. My kids know that’s how I feel, so even though they push back against me they do behave well in school and outside the house. They hats really all I can ask for. They know the right way to behave and just push their luck in their safe place which is fair enough.

Agree with this so much.

'Boys, it's five minutes until bathtime'
WHINGE
'Boys it's two minutes until bathtime and no amount of whinging will change that'

They generally give up the whinge and get on with it.

But I'm no one to mirror because I do sometimes bribe them to get them to do stuff.

Yep, this. Absolutely.

Any decent parent knows they need to teach their child how to behave in ways that are socially acceptable to everyone else. I wanted other people to actually like and warm towards our DDs, so I taught them to act accordingly.

None of this 'celebrating their individuality' or 'being true to themselves' nonsense. If that's how you want to parent your child then please go and live on a remote Hebridean island. That way, the rest of us aren't exposed to your child's rude, entitled and highly irritating behaviour.

Totally empathise with this. I'm a perfect parent in theory, I'm firm, efficient, empathetic & effective....

In reality, I'm a very imperfect albeit earnest parent who often descends into bargaining matches with my 4 yo daughter. The best example of this was several months back I was looking for a new bed for her. I saw one of those double bed bunks (with single bed on top), and we were looking at it in the store together. She wanted to try it out & I let her as it would be her bed. So far so good...

Then we're leaving the store & she says to me "Daddy, I'll sleep up & you'll sleep down!! " :)

I cracked up laughing and it became a real pseudo battleground with me saying "no, I'll sleep up & you'll sleep down".

This went on for weeks. As it so happened I decided not to go for that bed for her cos of a fear she may fall off the ladder sometime, but if I ever want to get a rise out of her since, all I have to say is:
" I'll sleep up and you'll sleep down..."

The only moral of this little story is while I may be a crap parent, at least my daughter will have been brought up with a keen sense of humour to keep her "honest".

In fairness I'm guilty of this at times. I'm trying to reinforce bodily autonomy and respect in terms of my sons body etc and I try to give him some degree of control over things that don't really matter so he feels like he's got some personal autonomy but equally at times I catch myself asking questions that aren't really questions because it's something we need to do. Took me a while to catch on and I'm much better at it now in terms of how I frame things that he actually has no choice in but sometimes it slips out especially when I'm a bit frazzled or under pressure.

But I think that these types of posts are really unhelpful to parents who are generally trying their best and who are all figuring it out as they go. Plus every child is very different and some will naturally be more headstrong/ submissive etc depending on personality. And people do need to parent different children differently.