Parents Begging Their Children… What Happened to Parenting?

[Katherina198819]

Every time I’m out with my children- playgrounds, shops, playgroups, nursery pick-ups- I see it: parents begging their kids. A 3-year-old is playing happily in the sand, having the time of their life. The parent comes over and says, “Would you like to go?” Of course the child shouts “No!”—why wouldn’t they? They want to stay. The parent keeps pleading: “Please, let’s go… Would you like to put on your shoes?” The child gets frustrated; why would they want to put on shoes if they don’t want to leave? It goes on for 15 minutes, sometimes longer, until the child is finally dragged away screaming.

This isn’t a one-off: I see it constantly. We’ve entered a world where parents don’t really parent. They call it “embracing emotions” or “teaching moments”, but in reality, they’re not guiding their kids. Not everything has to be a lesson or an emotional workshop. Sometimes parenting is just about doing, not negotiating.

I think expecting children to make decisions like this sets them up for failure. They don’t understand that you need to go home, cook dinner, or do your tax paperwork; they only know you asked if they wanted to go, and they said no. Parenting isn’t therapy. Sometimes it’s just guidance, plain and simple.

I am interested because my child is the one who gets hit and bitten at the nursery, because some parents don’t want to do the parenting. Plus, I teach at a university and see how poorly some 18-year-olds turn out; completely lost, unable to handle any criticism, and overwhelmed by the smallest tasks. So yes, I have an interest in this both personally and professionally!
I guess I could lock up my child and never let them interact with anyone else ever?

I did what I was told too but I didn't fear my parents. My DC mostly do what they're asked to do and don't fear me.

I was having this conversation with my mom last week... The children for the most part are not awful, just lumbered with awful parents.

Do I want to go home when I can be here having fun? Absolutely not!

Will I go home if my parents say 'come on, time to go'? Yes, I'm more likely to go then.

The constant begging and whinging and cajoling is just so ridiculous 🙄.

I do agree with setting strong boundaries but some children are just easier to parent than others. I try not to judge the way other people parent when I know nothing about them or their situation.

I do agree to a point - and even gernerally good parents have bad days.

But I had ND kids - so had to do count down to aviod trantums - quickly learnt satnding there with coat arm saying right left was better than vaugley talking about getting ready. TBH most of the parents with SEN/ND kids whether they were disagosned early or very late (like mine) tend to be very on the ball parenting wise - it's a case of survival - so while things may go off the rails it's not usually down to this wet/permissve/gentle parenting techniques descibed here being on display.

One of DD1 friends who was parented like OP says - she a nightmare and wasn't invited to things as they got older - but when she was with me easiest child to tell off - and listened and stopped afterwards - but the instructions from her Mum was couched in like 20 verbose polite word salad way - I did one stage instructions short to the point - as had a kids who couldn't remember two things - and she repsonded really well to that - but her Mum just thought it was me not what I was doing.

If the child is ignoring and causing an obstruction and not letting other children on the slide then yes... she needs to be forcibly removed. How long are we expecting others to wait for her 'good decision'?

Same. Only on MN is this such a problem that I wonder if some are exaggerating or it’s a area thing.

I’m the same as you. I’m clear on what we’re doing, what is going to happen and how much time they have doing an activity. I set my timer on my phone and they know once it goes off, it is time to go. Works well for us too.

In that case, the child is deciding between stay and carry on playing or going. Of course they'll want to stay because they don't know what else is involved. Tell the child it's time to go. Explain why if they complain. But take charge - the parent knows what has to be done but the child doesn't.

Some things are developmentally normal though and unfortunately biting and hitting at nursery is part of that while they learn empathy and consequence and how relationships work. Those skills and connections don't just appear overnight they have to be taught consistently while the kid makes mistakes especially at toddler level when their understanding is limited. That takes time.

My son is 2, sometimes in nursery he hits and bites. He's also come home bitten and having been hit by other kids the same age. I reinforce it with him every day, staff deal with it at the time, he has immediate consequences to that behaviour type at home or when I'm out with him, we debrief after nursery and positive behaviour is encouraged and promoted on his way in and his way home. What part of parenting am I not doing?

You can be a fabulous parent and your kid will still get it wrong sometimes and I do think it's important to remember that you're only seeing a snippet of someone's day. You also can't expect small children to act beyond their years and need to be realistic with your expectations otherwise that can really damage confidence and self esteem in children which creates other problems. I've worked in early years and with young adults and overly authoritarian parenting is quite often just as harmful as too lax parenting.

This is not a new thing. I remember going to a friends house for lunch with my son 20 odd years ago. My friend kept saying that her son would only eat cheese sandwiches and wouldn’t eat anything else. (This was not a sensory issue)
Lunch time came around “Right sweetie, what would you like for lunch, soup, some crackers, or you could have a sandwich with ham or cheese?”
”cheese sandwich”
”Are you sure? There’s lots of other lovely things you could have?”

If you offer it as an option they’re always going to eat it.
Same child came to my house, “oh sorry, we don’t have any cheese”
Child quite happily munched on the wraps and other assorted things that I did put out.

Discipline is not bad parenting
cmon jessica were going now
cmon jessica put your coat on now
ive told you NO

hat’s so interesting! I’m in the Northeast, but I’m not originally from here. Maybe it is an area thing!
I’ve heard rumors about parents who don’t beg and actually parent their children, but I haven’t come across many around here.

If your child is regularly getting hit and bitten at nursery they're at a shite nursery.

Maybe find a decent nursery for your child and then you'll be better placed to mount that high horse.

In your example op I would tell my son we have to go home so that I can do X Y Z, and in my experience, very young children do understand simple explanations for why it's time to leave.
OrrI might say 10 more minutes and then you have to put your shoes on, so he has a bit of warning and is less likely to protest when it's time to go. If he was upset I'd give him a cuddle and say reasons for leaving again, I'm sorry but we have to go home.

The days of "because I said so" and then being angry with a child for being upset are over, which is a good thing in my opinion.

I see shouting more than pleading around me, but it is still not as much as some claim they do on MN. I go to stay and plays and rhyme times and everyone is mindful of what the kids are doing and polite.

My DH is from the Northeast and we live in Oxfordshire.

None of is exists in a vacuum. People care, because this is behaviour that usually has an impact on others.
The poor behaviour tends to impact others - parents, teachers, classmates, other children in the park / sandpit, someone pushing a trolley in a supermarket, someone having to brake suddenly as the chuld has shot off from the parent who has no control...

When it comes to some parents and kids the lunatics are running the asylum. Giving them choices for everything is rubbish - I’m sure we all know kids who are pure nuisances because we have to wait until they decide on their every move. Do the parents not realise other people can’t be bothered with them? Boring, self indulged time wasters. And that’s just the parents. Catch yourselves on.

Same. Only on MN is this such a problem that I wonder if some are exaggerating or it’s a area thing.

We go some locations in UK and it seems to everywhere others and it's not a thing or very rare - also age range of kids less common older kids are.

I think it's parenting fashion in certain circles but possible also stressed overworked parents with little left to parent with - though I think it makes it harder long term especially in teen years - you can't suddeny expect them to start listening and doing what you say then - as ideally your starting to step back.

This is just such utter nonsense. Shouty sweary parents or wet lettuce useless parents. That's it is it? No middle ground of firm but fair etc?

That's BS:
One of my twins has Autism with PDA profile. I don't permissive parent, nor do I feel that the permissive side of 'low demand' parenting actually helps PDA children.

This method of discipline is utterly counterproductive. Parents nowadays always moan about how exhausted they are. I'm not surprised when they waste so much time negotiating everything with their kids, and when they don't, their time is spent entertaining them! They are left knackered and resentful, and end up feeling sorry for themselves and too often giving up on any discipline.

As a single FT mum with jobsupport at all, there is no way we could have coped with this. Disciplining was straightforward: informed of what I was about to ask them, and then expecting them to do as told. If they didn’t, they were removed physically and I didn't care how much a fuss they made in protest. When older, I took privileges out and again, carried out all warnings. It was tough when they were little but they quickly learn. Life quickly became much easier!

We're in the south West if it makes a difference. I live in a fairly nice town, not posh but not "rough" either. Maybe I've just been lucky. 😁 Although now that I think of it, years ago I did go to a soft play where a kid was being horrible to others, kicking, snatching, throwing blocks at them etc. My friend told the child to stop and their dad came up to her and told her off for parenting his child. My friend pointed out that someone had to because the parents were in the bar and not supervising their child. I think he was just a bit of a knob. (Although why on earth do they have pubs and soft plays together?!)

Negotiations- shoes or coat on first

What an insight. It’s never the parent's fault, is it?

Your child gets bullied—just transfer them. How dare you even expect a safe environment? You get physically or verbally abused by a student as a teacher? Obviously, your fault. How dare you try to teach at all?

yep and the minute the child says no they cry pda and ADHD and other labels lol