Parents Begging Their Children… What Happened to Parenting?

[Katherina198819]

Every time I’m out with my children- playgrounds, shops, playgroups, nursery pick-ups- I see it: parents begging their kids. A 3-year-old is playing happily in the sand, having the time of their life. The parent comes over and says, “Would you like to go?” Of course the child shouts “No!”—why wouldn’t they? They want to stay. The parent keeps pleading: “Please, let’s go… Would you like to put on your shoes?” The child gets frustrated; why would they want to put on shoes if they don’t want to leave? It goes on for 15 minutes, sometimes longer, until the child is finally dragged away screaming.

This isn’t a one-off: I see it constantly. We’ve entered a world where parents don’t really parent. They call it “embracing emotions” or “teaching moments”, but in reality, they’re not guiding their kids. Not everything has to be a lesson or an emotional workshop. Sometimes parenting is just about doing, not negotiating.

I think expecting children to make decisions like this sets them up for failure. They don’t understand that you need to go home, cook dinner, or do your tax paperwork; they only know you asked if they wanted to go, and they said no. Parenting isn’t therapy. Sometimes it’s just guidance, plain and simple.

I'm one of these parents!!! Not by choice, I'm not trying to do gentle parenting, I just have no idea how to do anything else!

My 3 year old son weighs too much for me to be able to just scoop him up against his will and squash him into his car seat. I'm often at a complete loss as to what I'm supposed to do and resort to begging and bribery.

Some clear steps, wording etc would be great if anyone can provide? I'm naturally quite a passive person, as is my husband and we both struggle with what to do!

Yep, same here. DH and I put the hardwork into teaching our DDs how to behave 'so that other people will like them and warm towards them' when they were tiny. So by the time they went to school they were old hands at fitting in, sharing, obeying adults, being well mannered etc. Teachers always loved them. They had lots of friends. Regularly invited and re-invited to friend's homes and on their holidays. Always loads of positive feedback about their lovely manners and good behaviour.

Luck? Nope.

I think the point of FriendlyGingerCat’s comment is that the father immediately backed up the mother, reinforcing the message to the child.

It must be really hard if you’re a single parent and children don’t do what they’re asked. It really helps you and them if another adult weighs in to reinforce the request. I think single parents need specific strategies to get round this problem.

Absolutely nothing wrong with that, if the little dears are brought up to have every instruction dealt with like the UN Security Council they'll be very unhappy in school!

Another useful sentence is 'I'm not asking you, I'm telling you'. Children need to be taught that they're not the centre of the universe, except maybe to their immediate family.

I was furious, but couldn’t man handle her way from the gifts with her mother there.

Why not? If my child's presents were being pinched by another child I would have no hesitation in removing them from her and if she turned on the water works then I would show her 'mother' where the coats were. People are such wet blankets at times.

Well, she described a walloping and followed it up with 'those were the days', personally I'd say that was a fairly heavy implication that she's in favour of hitting children. (I refuse to use the word smacking as I feel it trivialises the act.)

There are worse things yes, emotional/psychological abuse can be far worse, but as far as I'm concerned it's all abuse, just points on the spectrum. Most people would agree an adult shouldn't hit another adult, so why it's OK to hit a defenceless child is beyond me. It's the adult's job to stay in control.

No, she said 'They were the good old days when children were taught their place in the world.' I think that's not meant literally.

As a punch bag for adults that weren't taught how to regulate their emotions by their parents?

This is really interesting! You’re the first person who’s said this up in the comments.
Do you feel it’s always been this way, or is your son just going through a tough phase right now?

To be honest, I think I’m just a stricter person—I don’t have the energy to argue. For me, the biggest difference is in the language. Instead of asking, “Do you want to get in your seat?” (which makes it sound optional), I’ll say, “It’s time to get in your car seat. We’re going now.”
I do still offer small choices to give my child some control, like:
“Do you want to climb in yourself, or do you want me to help?”
“Do you want to look at this book or that one while we drive?”But the car seat itself isn’t optional.

If my child acts out before nursery, I’ll scoop them in and buckle up because we have to go. But if it’s something less essential (like going to the park, or shopping), I’ll say: “If you don’t get into your car seat, we won’t go.” I’ll repeat once more, and if they still refusee I would take them back inside and wait until they calm down. I would say: “You have one more chance. You either get in the car, or we stay home.” Again, it might not work for everyone, but it does for us.I think having consequences helps a lot. For example: “You want to go to the shop? Then you do what I say, or we don’t go.” It’s the same with everything. They don’t need to know that you’ll probably go anyway (because the shopping has to get done), but they do need to know that if they don’t behave, there will be consequences.

Good for you for recognising you could find some pointers helpful. I think a lot of this starts with your attitude. If you approach things with an expectation that they will mind what you say, because they know you are in charge, a certain authority comes with that.

To me, what really helps is to be clear with yourself that you are in charge and for good reason. And it is for their benefit that you are. Small children do not have the life experience or intellect to safely or beneficially run the show - eg if you tell your child that cars are dangerous, it's a bloody good job that they believe you and listen when you tell them not to run out into the road. It's also good for them to understand there are certain expectations around behaviour in different settings, how they should treat others etc. If you're very passive with your child, how will that go once they're in their early teens and not used to listening to you? It might help to see it as a kindness to them to get on top of this now.

It helps to have clear boundaries and consequences for not doing what you ask. As others have said, don't make it optional in the way you tell them what you want them to do and be clear in the way you communicate: 'time to get your shoes on, we're leaving in a minute'. 'Get down from that wall', 'give the toy back to Olivia, she was playing with it first, don't snatch please'.

Countdowns to transitions work well, so they have time to accept what's happening and are not abruptly expected to move away from things: 'ten more pushes, then it's time to come off the swing and let someone else have a turn' - then count the ten pushes, and then get them off.

If they don't comply, you can do a count to three, before issuing a consequence that you've warned them about, For some children, though, this kind of trains them to always wait until you're about to say three before they do what you ask, so watch out for that. If they start to push boundaries, going to an immediate consequence without warning can act as a reset. I've found I only ever need to do that once or twice and only when it was something very important (like a safety issue).

Implementing this generally will stand you in good stead when it comes to times they might not otherwise be bothered by a consequence - like getting in the car seat - because they're already in the habit of doing what you ask, by and large.

It can be hard at times! Especially if they push back or get upset. If you don't like upsetting your child, which is understandable, I find it helps to take a longer view - it's better for them to be upset a little now, than to experience a greater upset or harm down the line. And don't forget that young children are moved to tears very easily, over not very much, often, but they quickly get over it and move on.

I think it's good to balance this sort of approach for the things that matter with giving them choices and autonomy where possible, so they feel they have agency and an age-appropriate level of freedom and autonomy.

ND children may well need a different approach, of course.

Your reading comprehension leaves a lot to be desired.

If a parent wants the child to do something, they should tell the child to do it, not frame it as an option. If you frame it as an option and then you basically insist with the intention for the child to end up doing what you want, I consider that very similar to what abusers do. You teach the child that questions and options are not really options, that when an adult asks you whether you would like to do something, the adult will keep insisting until they get what they want. That is exactly, in case you haven't noticed, how abusers act.

The airport controller, the police, the lollipop lady... they are not asking the child "honey, would you like to keep right?". They tell them to keep right. It's a command, and the right way to let the child know there are some things they need to do because some adults in they life have authority, and their best interests in mind. This is one of the most important lessons parents teach their child: who to trust, and who not to.

Children who are asked and then insisted upon to do something will have no defence against a stranger who keeps asking them to, for instance, take their clothes off, or let them touch them. If they say no the first time, they will just keep insisting and trying to coerce the child into doing it. And a child who is used to this at home, will eventually give in.

Do you get it now or do you need a diagram?

Thank you v much for this! I read your post to my husband and we're going to try and implement these techniques. It's been a bit of a wake up call!

Thank you for the tips!

It's funny, when I was dating my DH, he would always tease me as I have the tendency to phrase everything as a question eg "Shall we...?". Now I've had kids, I'm still using the same language and am very passive.

My son is 3 and has never really listened to me. I think I have just been telling myself that it's ok as nursery say he is obedient there but its getting to the point where every day, basic activities such as going to the toilet, getting dressed, eating a meal are a major struggle!

Katrina you need to set the power balance now so you adults are in charge. Kindly but firmly. Otherwise it will be a shitshow when he’s older.

My son is 3 and has never really listened to me. I think I have just been telling myself that it's ok as nursery say he is obedient there but its getting to the point where every day, basic activities such as going to the toilet, getting dressed, eating a meal are a major struggle!

Dad used to say he could stop us with a look - I don't think we had that as often but tone was very important.

I do have tones and set of noises for you are on shaky ground here - still works on teens- gives them a chance to re-think or change attitude it very frequently works as well.

To get listen to firm, clear and confident - you are telling not asking - you can pratice and listen back to yourself and think would I listen to them.

Later on it's carry though - so if you threaten something it happens - it gets them to trust you mean what you say.

DH students say he a tone for he'd done explaining why they are wrong - he's done they can find out the hard way - they tell each other about in in labs - and when they've left his course him.

You need both though,
don’t you?

To be lucky and to put in the work.

What’s the old saying - the harder I work the luckier I get.

True up to a point, of course, but you can also be lucky and just have children who are easier to manage. I have one who is autistic and the difference between managing him and his siblings is like night and day. Far more work done with the autistic child and everything is still harder.

He wasn’t diagnosed until he was a little older and that’s often the case when there’s no speech delay, so when he was in the sandbox or playground things were hard and we didn’t know why. The usual parenting strategies often don’t work when a child has additional needs.

Ours was never going to be the child who fitted in easily at school no matter what we did. You do your best, but don’t think luck isn’t a part of it.

If there was any question of argument, my DF would say, ‘Do as you’re told and don’t bloody well argue!’
And we did.

Should add that he was generally a very jolly character and a very good father.

They say kids save their worst behavior for the people they feel safest with. My 3-year-old is a total angel at nursery. When she was going through her tantrum phase, I asked the teachers, “Does she ever throw tantrums here?” They looked so surprised—like they couldn’t even imagine her doing it. She was clearly saving it all for us at home.

Language makes parenting even trickier. Just half an hour ago, I told off my husband about this. He asked our dd, “Can I make a suggestion?” and I told him, “Why do you even ask her? Just make the suggestion—she’ll either take it or not. But if you say ‘Can I,’ of course she’ll say no. And honestly, as the parent, you don’t need permission.

I think growing up in Eastern Europe made me very direct in how I speak. Sometimes I have to remind myself to soften things and be less blunt.

😅 ah yes, that brutal frankness of Eastern Europeans wouldn't be a natural bedfellow for gentle parenting 😂

It felt very literal to me and the post in general felt pro using violence to discipline children, so I think we're going to have to agree to differ.

There are mollycoddled kids there as everywhere. But fewer.

My kids were born in the 90s and certainly didnt get ‘dragged to pubs’

I have some rather nice memories of pub gardens with play areas in the 90s.