Parents Begging Their Children… What Happened to Parenting?

[Katherina198819]

Every time I’m out with my children- playgrounds, shops, playgroups, nursery pick-ups- I see it: parents begging their kids. A 3-year-old is playing happily in the sand, having the time of their life. The parent comes over and says, “Would you like to go?” Of course the child shouts “No!”—why wouldn’t they? They want to stay. The parent keeps pleading: “Please, let’s go… Would you like to put on your shoes?” The child gets frustrated; why would they want to put on shoes if they don’t want to leave? It goes on for 15 minutes, sometimes longer, until the child is finally dragged away screaming.

This isn’t a one-off: I see it constantly. We’ve entered a world where parents don’t really parent. They call it “embracing emotions” or “teaching moments”, but in reality, they’re not guiding their kids. Not everything has to be a lesson or an emotional workshop. Sometimes parenting is just about doing, not negotiating.

I think expecting children to make decisions like this sets them up for failure. They don’t understand that you need to go home, cook dinner, or do your tax paperwork; they only know you asked if they wanted to go, and they said no. Parenting isn’t therapy. Sometimes it’s just guidance, plain and simple.

I always do a countdown rather then out of nowhere come on where going. 10 more minutes 5 minutes 1 minute so pack up your bits. Its always worked no tantrums.

Yes this, Kids respond well to this. Its feels fair to them, clear and they get time to adjust. When there are clear rules and routines kids adjust to them. Kids thrive with stability and routine. They like knowing how things will be. Its not fun for kids to be arguing and demanding and in conflict. But they will be if there parents are not clear on who is ultimately in charge.

Haha I love this! I will start to say it now 😂

I do agree with setting strong boundaries but some children are just easier to parent than others. I try not to judge the way other people parent when I know nothing about them or their situation.

I do think though there's a healthy balance between not raising children to be "people pleasers" as well though. There's ways to promote individuality and encourage them being true to themselves while also promoting empathy and consideration for others.

I think gentle parenting often gets a bad rap when it's actually passive parenting and it's either the parent not understanding gentle parenting or they are having a particularly difficult day with their child and they don't have a wide enough set of tools to lean on to manage that so they've lost their power in the dynamic. None of that is a reflection on gentle parenting which in its essence is about teaching kids to be respectful and empathetic by showing kids respect and empathy.

“Right that’s it move now so the other children can have a go or we’re going home” would have worked for mine at that age, and yes I would expect a parent to physically move a toddler

I grew up in the 80s/90s, my parents weren’t overly strict and didn’t use physical punishment ever but we still knew when they meant business. Also we were never “dragged to the pub”!

I'm not bothered up and until the bad behaviour of their kids, caused by their useless parenting, negatively affects my kid. Then I'm very interested.

No man is an island. If you fail to bring your kids up to think of others and not just themselves and their 'big feelings', it affects everyone else. And you can expect them to be interested and judge you.

Can you tell us what you do then?

I equally see a lot of parents shouting at, and often swearing at, their misbehaving kids.

Whilst neither approach is ideal, and the pleading parents' kids may well grow up to be entitled brats, I can't help but think that at least there's a good chance those kids might at least learn that when we want someone to do something for us, we ask them nicely.

Who knows what the shouty, sweary parents' kids are learning...

^ sums it up perfectly

'Right, you need to move to the side/up/down now, X, as you've had your turn and others are waiting'.

'Move now, X, or we're going home'.

If they don't move? You go home. You likely won't have to do that more than once before they get the message. Then in future they listen and they don't hog the equipment, stopping others from using it too.

It's not that hard. And it's a kindness to your child in the long run.

I don't think it's a good/bad parent thing.

I think it's about using language in a certain way - I found the book 'How to talk so kids will listen' great but I felt like a total twit speaking in that way as it was so different to others.

So it's 'We are leaving in 5 minutes... do you want to have a last go on the swings or roundabout' then statements 'one more minute to go' 'see how fast you can get your shoes on'

It's using statements, not giving false choices - 'You need to... we are going to... we will be..'

When choices are available and real (like getting dressed) then you can give them - but they need to be limited.

Communicating with small children is a skill and I think we need to view it from tthat perspective - helping adults to learn these skills because it's very likely that it is not the language they grew up with.

I’ve stopped going to toddler groups.

My child is constantly hit or toys taken from her. I know this is normal development but what isn’t is the child’s mother saying in the sweetest voice “‘now now we don’t do that, let’s share or use kind hands” as their kid either still tries to hit mine (I shield her) or they run off with said toy they’ve snatched and I get a shrug from the mum which really bloody irritates me.

When my autistic kids were young I would say things like, we leave in 15 mins or soon, what would you like to do before then, it always worked, they weren't given the option of staying but could choose what to do before we left.
Or I would say time to clean your teeth/ have a bath etc, which toy shall we take.
Distract from the big change with something they can control.
I think people are confusing this style with just having no boundaries whatsoever.

That’s why there’s so many children on the spectrum! Yes most of them do have Autism and ADHD and so on, but some are just badly behaved due to bad parenting, and to get extra money from DLA. Just parent your child, a child needs firm boundaries and guidance.

This. Don't ask someone (adult or child) their opinion if you're not going to pay any attention to it. Don't ask a question if you're not listening to the answer. If there isn't a choice, don't pretend to offer one

Totally agree. I do give them choices—just like you said. But those are about making decisions, not going against what I am saying. If they don’t want the fruit, they don’t want the fruit. But you can’t give them choices about staying in the sandbox forever, I believe.

I agree with your approach but some children are easier to parent this way than others are, and I think people forget that sometimes.

I have a number of children and one is more difficult to handle in these situations. He has a diagnosis of autism now. I’m not saying that it means he gets his own way (he doesn’t!!) but typical parenting strategies often don’t work and you do need to approach things differently. I’m sure others have looked on thinking I haven’t a clue what I’m doing, but at this stage I do. They just don’t understand why I need to approach things as I do. In some cases the children/parents you’re observing will have issues you know nothing about, please remember that.

Removing physically will only work when they’re little anyway.

But I hear what you’ve saying too. A relative is a teacher and says children have become so much more demanding over the last 10 years and it’s getting worse.

Please save the “are you ok” phrase for when you’re genuinely concerned for someone.

That’s so insulting 😡

That also drives me crazy. It’s a good way to give your child an eating disorder and reward bad behavior. My child knows that if she throws a tantrum, she will never get her way. I do not reward bad behavior!

Completely agree with this and I’ve always done it with my DD. ‘We’re leaving in 5 minutes’ ‘okay mummy’. It isn’t difficult and I cannot bear situations like the one you described. These type of parents then wonder why their kids don’t listen to them!

I've only ever come across this on MN. All the other parents in real life seem to be parenting like normal parents. Kids kick off and the parents usually deal with it. The only parent I know who panders to their kid's every tantrum is a slightly unhinged one who still hand feeds her 8yo, and I have feeling she's in the minority.

I also found the "right, we have 10 minutes" and the "okay, we're going to have three more goes on this and then we'll go" to work pretty well. If mine kicks off I'll have words, and I've always said to mine that a no doesn't turn into a yes by crying and screaming.

Despite your sarcasm….you're right!

OMG….a sensible parent on mumsnet!