Parents Begging Their Children… What Happened to Parenting?

[Katherina198819]

Every time I’m out with my children- playgrounds, shops, playgroups, nursery pick-ups- I see it: parents begging their kids. A 3-year-old is playing happily in the sand, having the time of their life. The parent comes over and says, “Would you like to go?” Of course the child shouts “No!”—why wouldn’t they? They want to stay. The parent keeps pleading: “Please, let’s go… Would you like to put on your shoes?” The child gets frustrated; why would they want to put on shoes if they don’t want to leave? It goes on for 15 minutes, sometimes longer, until the child is finally dragged away screaming.

This isn’t a one-off: I see it constantly. We’ve entered a world where parents don’t really parent. They call it “embracing emotions” or “teaching moments”, but in reality, they’re not guiding their kids. Not everything has to be a lesson or an emotional workshop. Sometimes parenting is just about doing, not negotiating.

I think expecting children to make decisions like this sets them up for failure. They don’t understand that you need to go home, cook dinner, or do your tax paperwork; they only know you asked if they wanted to go, and they said no. Parenting isn’t therapy. Sometimes it’s just guidance, plain and simple.

Ha, brilliant! 😂

Lucky you.

When mine eldest was a toddler I took him to a Steiner group (only six kids in it) where an older bigger boy kept on physically attacking him. Things like slamming his head on the floor, slapping him in the face and charging into him on his bike - all very deliberate and not accidental. The Mother would never apologise to my son or to me, or even acknowledge our existences in any way, but would just have a quiet chat with her son who would then continue with his attacks. I tried speaking to the boy or mother but just got stared at by them and no response. The Steiner leaders after seeing my son being slapped hard across the face just smiled and said boys will be boys and did nothing. So me and my son stopped going as he was getting the shit kicked out of him and no-one was doing anything about it.

If children are to be given choices, which help them to feel they have some autonomy, it should be “red pyjamas or blue pyjamas”, not “would you like to go to bed now”. That was brilliant advice from Claire Rayner.

The pub in the soft play sounds like a brilliant idea to me! Maybe I’d be able to handle the screaming, aggressive children and their begging parents a bit better after a couple of glasses of Pinot Grigio. 😂

I would let my kids know they had five more minutes and that was that. It seemed to work as I don’t remember any particular conflicts. I wasn’t one for ‘begging’ my kids so they tended to understand that it was time to go when I said. I wasn’t a harsh mum but I wasn’t a very patient one either.

It took my DH a little while to realise that you might be polite to a visitor to your office by saying "Would you like to come through now?" or "If you're ready, we can...", but if you say that to a toddler they assume you are genuinely asking, will say 'I don't want to' or 'I'm not ready' and will then (fairly reasonably) kick off if you then just blatantly over-rule them or try to use strength to move them along regardless... (The worst backfiring politeness was undoubtably "It's bedtime - do you want to come up and clean your teeth now?")

Can’t say I’ve witnessed much of this. Most people I know do what you say you do. Except most of them aren’t judgement snobs like you seem to be.

Out of interest OP how many kids do you have and how old are they? Only you said like at absolute parenting know it all…

A child at my daughters party, opened all of my daughters presents, with her mum asking her not to, and me telling her not to.
She did anyway.
I was furious, but couldn’t man handle her way from the gifts with her mother there.

Said child is an only child, very spoilt really.

As a teenager now, she’s a beauty and seems to be doing well, I hope she has better manners now

Yes two choices, both of which suit the parent too. I would say rice or noodles, that type of thing as I didn’t mind which one. Asking a child if they want to do something (that would be really helpful to you) is most likely not going to turn out the way you hope. It wouldn't work particularly well for adults either (if my boss asked if I’d like to sort that work on the desk, then no thank you boss, but thank you for asking).

I agree.

It was always a nightmare telling DS 'Its time to go now' or 'It's time to get out of the bath/turn the light out'.

I realised that he only wanted a bit more time. So I had a timer on my watch. It had three settings for 5 minutes, 20 minutes and 1 hour and I told DS 'when the alarm goes off we are going'.

It worked. He got his extra time, I wasn't bored rigid, he would come over and press the button to turn off the alarm and everyone was happy, with no meltdowns.

PS he's 26 now and still insists on turning off the kitchen timer...🙄

I'm going to have to unwatch this thread as the mother of a (lovely) only child now. Can't be doing with those stereotypical opinions today.

My children probably don’t remember but their entire childhood was ruled by timers 😁

In what way?

Why so defensive?

Thank you. I mean that sincerely, I have a DD who is just starting to push boundaries after years of being compliant and doing as she is told. So I’m only just learning strategies now so this has been a useful thread for me.

I think it is really confusing for children. I mean presumably they're not wearing a watch and have no idea where they have to be and by when and what time the parking ticket is running out, so why give them a pretend choice?

My dd is 15 now and was an absolute hellraiser of a pre schooler and needed really firm direction (and also sometimes to be strapped into her buggy and made to leave somewhere as necessary).

@FlowerUserI completely agree. When mine were little, I found that really helpful. They get overwhelmed with tons of choices that they’re too young to handle. Teenagers do need more autonomy and choice, though, to an extent.

Dont know what to say except I agree. Parents pleading or bargaining with children in voices more whinging than their childs is a huge annoyance to me.

I think the problem is that the teaching doesn't always happen.

Yes, you can expect very young kids to hit, snatch, bite etc. This is when the parents need to step in and make it very clear that this is not acceptable. Then the child can learn.

Dithering ineffectually like a wet lettuce, bleating on about 'that's not kind' or 'gentle hands' does not land a jot with small children, they don't learn and they keep on being a nightmare to other children. Why should other kids get hurt because some parents are too weak to parent properly?

Communication needs to be very clear, kind but firm.

I have a 14 month old and a 3 and half year old. I never said I know it all. Both of my kids are lovely and well-behaved (at least my oldest—can’t really tell about the baby yet).

Of course, we have issues we’re working on, but I know they listen and understand consequences. I’m sure there’s still a lot to learn—but one thing I never do is beg my children or avoid discipline. If that makes me judgmental, then so be it.

I thought this forum was for sharing opinions. That’s my experience and my perspective. I’m not sure why you find it offensive—that’s something you might want to reflect on yourself.

But it’s been proven that young children struggle with transition so letting them know that you need to leave in x time helps them adjust.

imagine you’re at a party, having a really good time, you’re meeting friends and new people. Your partner comes up to you and says “right, I wanna go, right now” for absolutely no clear reason other than they want to. How would that feel?

I, personally, think we expect too much of children a lot of the time that we wouldn’t expect from fully developed adults … sharing their prized possessions. Got a new toy? Share it with your sibling! One of my prized possessions is my sewing machine. It was expensive and I love it. Would I lend it to anyone? I’d let my closest friends use it at my house but I wouldn’t let them take it to theirs 🤣. And absolutely no grown ass adult would have asked to “have a go” when it was new!

It's all about expectations and planning. It must be confusing to a child who has no idea what is coming next or what to expect.

Before even leaving the house tell the child we are going to the park today, we will have x amount of time there and then afterwards we are going to go to...and so on and so forth. Give aome expectations of behaviour: I expect you to behave well and play nicely with other children. No shouting and no being rough.

When youre at the play ground give them a count down, we have to go to in 15 minutes, anything you still want to do better do it now. Then a 5 minute count down. Then time to go, shoes on, etc.

That's how I was parented. I was told how long I had and waht to expect and told to.start winding up when we were nearing the time.

Obviously that wont work with every child there will always be some that resist but boundaries are importnant so they know what's happening next and what to expect.

if have no expectations and then say shall we go, would you like to put your shoes on. Wtf?! No choices.

Before I had mine I read an interesting piece about how important it is to give small children choices. BUT you don't give them the choice of 'would you like to go to the supermarket or the park?' you give them the choice of 'would you like to wear your blue coat or your red coat to go to the supermarket'
I am not a fantastic parent - I have made many mistakes and there are plenty of things I wish I had done differently. But my children have grown up to be lovely people who we enjoy spending time with so I wasn't too dreadful as a parent either.

Surely you or the mother got phycially between girl and presents and redirected her attention elsewhere - or phycially herded her elsewhere any from said presents - the way you walk guests that take forever leaving gently further and futher towards the door?

I mean sometimes other parents just smile and condone or shrug and that when you get in there hover or re-direct other kids attention or step in - I've had to do it at todder groups, playgrounds - I usually managed to do it without setting other parents off - though when I did they got short fucking shrift. If I'm there I'm not standing passively by but getting in there advocating for my kids if they couldn't.

Some of the kids who were parented this wet way did turn out fine and I can't think of one that was an only child - they all had siblings though often with some serious favourtism going on.

One of the worst boys when new Step dad with kids already turned up boy was notciably happier in school and outside better behaved - others seem to realise themseleves they were being excluded because of their behavior and changed as the got older and experinced school and other situations- others had pretty ropy teen years - though one of DD1 friend massive improve when she hit work stage of life.

Well yes. Simple choices.