Parents Begging Their Children… What Happened to Parenting?

[Katherina198819]

Every time I’m out with my children- playgrounds, shops, playgroups, nursery pick-ups- I see it: parents begging their kids. A 3-year-old is playing happily in the sand, having the time of their life. The parent comes over and says, “Would you like to go?” Of course the child shouts “No!”—why wouldn’t they? They want to stay. The parent keeps pleading: “Please, let’s go… Would you like to put on your shoes?” The child gets frustrated; why would they want to put on shoes if they don’t want to leave? It goes on for 15 minutes, sometimes longer, until the child is finally dragged away screaming.

This isn’t a one-off: I see it constantly. We’ve entered a world where parents don’t really parent. They call it “embracing emotions” or “teaching moments”, but in reality, they’re not guiding their kids. Not everything has to be a lesson or an emotional workshop. Sometimes parenting is just about doing, not negotiating.

I think expecting children to make decisions like this sets them up for failure. They don’t understand that you need to go home, cook dinner, or do your tax paperwork; they only know you asked if they wanted to go, and they said no. Parenting isn’t therapy. Sometimes it’s just guidance, plain and simple.

What makes you think your way is the right way? Maybe someone was watching you ignore your child playing in the sand whilst you sat judging another parent for actually being involved in what theirs was doing?

Why is it any business of yours how other people parent? What does it have to do with your life?

My best mate and I had very different parenting styles. I couldn’t have parented how she did and dealt with the problems she faced, I daresay she couldn’t have dealt with the ones I faced. But now we have brilliant teenagers who are almost identical in attitude, behaviour and the like. Was I supposed to judge her for doing it differently to me when it made no difference to me whatsoever?

Why are we so interested in what other people do with their kids??

I genuinely couldn’t give a shit, gentle parent them, boomer parent them, I don’t care. If it affects my child (eg their little ones won’t move out the way of slide) then I’ll step in, other than that good luck to them

I’m so glad I spent my time at the park playing with my daughter, engrossed in her little world rather than smugly observing other parents with their kids

Sure, because the OP is full of constructive analysis and isn't snippy at all 🤣

I'm convinced that in years to come the permissive parenting we see masquerading as gentle parenting will be viewed as child abuse. Children need clear and firm boundaries to feel safe, offering them choice in everything can be overwhelming.

Yes. Once. Twice at a push

Not a 'litany' of requests

But what happens if your child begins to go through a phase of challenging and pushing boundaries, and still refuses to leave at the final request where you say Go. What would the next step be? Consequences/being physically removed?

I’m asking this out of genuine curiosity to get someone else’s perspective. Not looking for arguments.

I know I sound judgmental, but a 3-year-old needs guidance. Setting children up for failure and then saying things like, “Oh, my child is just a bad kid” or “They’re like this because of X or Y” is what I see constantly.
I feel bad for these children—they’re being blamed just for being children, when in reality they simply aren’t receiving the guidance they need. Kids need structure, limits, and clear direction. Without it, they’re left frustrated, confused, and made to feel at fault for behaving exactly like a 3-year-old should.

I've small children and I've never heard parents asking their children whether they want to go when it's time to leave. Frankly, I think you've exaggerated the scenario.

However I'm all in favour of parents giving their children a little more time to make good choices.

I don't actually entirely disagree with the premise, although I more feel for the child being given mixed messages when something that isn't a choice is presented as one.

But this kind of post is quite self congratulatory. I had a child who just would not listen to that. They would get warnings and countdowns, and just ignore it. I did always go and physically remove them personally, but I can see how in some cases that would be a battle they couldn't take just then, or indeed a child too big to be manhandled.

I did have another child who did respond, so reasonably sure it isn't entirely my terrible parenting. But when I was in the thick of the small years with my rebel, I found this kind of "just be consistent" advice very frustrating. I love consistency! I am very consistent! But the advice of "just do this and then they know" never seems to answer...but what do you do if they don't??

Usually, I do it like this:

I tell her, “It’s time to go, please get out of the sandbox.”
If she doesn’t listen, I repeat it more firmly.
If it still doesn’t work, I remove her physically.

I give two chances—on the third, I take action.

YANBU at all, but somehow I do sometimes find myself pleading or negotiating. Not all the time but it’s a slippery slope! I don’t want to and I cringe inside as I hear myself. It’s hard to turn it around sometimes. I think for some of us there is a reason it started, my dd had a tendency to severe breathholding episodes and still tends a bit that way. When you know a major meltdown is coming you get nervous. Any tips for calm authority I will welcome.

I suspect those that feel this is a personal attack on their 'parenting' style may be the most vocal...

Most of the worst behaves kids i know have parents like this. They dont parent they bargain, beg and pander to their child. The child ends up a nightmare who has no friends and the parents wonder why.

Do you shout at or hit your children OP?

If not, you're likely gentle parenting. What you're talking about is permissive parenting, which yes, is fucking useless unless you have a PDA child in which case a variation of permissive parenting will likely be the best for your family.

@Katherina198819 - but surely you can only remove physically for very small
children? My 5 year old I couldn’t just physically move him if he didn’t want to go and was hanging off me. I mean I can carry him when he’s calm and helpful but if he wasn’t there’s no chance. It’s not like you can dump school age children in a pram and strap them in. I have to reason with him and he has to walk.

Seriously? There is nothing wrong with any of those instructions. I give them a " we are leaving in five mins" and then they get those same instructions that you have written, or similar, after the five mins.

People pleasers were not parented well themselves, so there's that. I think they should teach parenting classes in school. It would be an opportunity to tackle some of these issues.

When I was a kid and I’d kick off, my dad would always say “I don’t negotiate with terrorists or children” and scoop me up and put me in the car. I obviously didn’t know what it meant at the time, but now I think it’s pretty funny. I kind of took after him in that sense. The second they start screaming I’m just bundling them up and taking them home.

it called gentle parenting but what parents don't understand is the child will grow up to become an adult in the meantime go to school college and work gentle parenting is raising a self entitled brat I'll equipped for the real world lol

I saw this in the park yesterday. A dad trying to persuade his son to leave. Kid didn't want to go. The parent asked at least 6 times. Even after they'd left, the boy ran back and the next thing I saw was the dad haring around looking for him, because he'd lost him.

I totally get it. It’s tough! My husband is much calmer and more patient than me. He doesn’t beg; he likes to explain things, like, “You need to put on your coat because it’s raining and you’ll get wet.” I’m more of the “Put on your coat. End of story.” type. Between work, managing a busy household, and caring for a baby with no help, my patience runs out fast. I tend to get more firm when I can tell my child is about to act out, instead of negotiating. So, I’m probably not the best person to give calm advice!

Yes move your child so other children can use the equipment. Why is that so difficult to understand.

I'm now completely retired from secondary school teaching.

The fall-out from permissive parenting is what we see in school - children who are outraged when they don't get their own way. I recall seeing it even in the '90s, although it's much worse now - possibly because permissive parenting has bled into permissive behaviour management in schools.

One time, I put up a poster depicting Leonardo Dicaprio as Romeo. An S3/Y10 girl asked - reasonably politely - if she could have the poster. I'd only put it up that morning.

I declined and explained why. The response astonished me: "But I WANT it!"

"I want it too. That's why I bought it."

The girl proceeded to stomp about the classroom. I recall wondering what kind of parenting had led to the girl's behaviour.

all kids can be stubborn at times this pda is just a label for ineffectual gentle parenting

People want their children to like them, that’s the big change.