Parents Begging Their Children… What Happened to Parenting?

[Katherina198819]

Every time I’m out with my children- playgrounds, shops, playgroups, nursery pick-ups- I see it: parents begging their kids. A 3-year-old is playing happily in the sand, having the time of their life. The parent comes over and says, “Would you like to go?” Of course the child shouts “No!”—why wouldn’t they? They want to stay. The parent keeps pleading: “Please, let’s go… Would you like to put on your shoes?” The child gets frustrated; why would they want to put on shoes if they don’t want to leave? It goes on for 15 minutes, sometimes longer, until the child is finally dragged away screaming.

This isn’t a one-off: I see it constantly. We’ve entered a world where parents don’t really parent. They call it “embracing emotions” or “teaching moments”, but in reality, they’re not guiding their kids. Not everything has to be a lesson or an emotional workshop. Sometimes parenting is just about doing, not negotiating.

I think expecting children to make decisions like this sets them up for failure. They don’t understand that you need to go home, cook dinner, or do your tax paperwork; they only know you asked if they wanted to go, and they said no. Parenting isn’t therapy. Sometimes it’s just guidance, plain and simple.

I need a diagram because I couldn’t be bothered to read your bull 💩 reply!

It’s incredibly confusing for the little ones too. They won’t realise there’s ONE acceptable answer or why the parent is getting more and more frustrated or why they’re now frantically begging after being told no.

The only tomes I ask if SHE wants to go is when I honestly don’t care if we go or not.

I can't say I am surprised.

Oh no please do a diagram! I’d love to see that.

OP was not being smug or holier than thou, she was describing what seems to be happening very frequently with children. It was not blind criticism. The thread has actually produced some helpful ideas and discussion. When children are not taught how to behave well it affects everyone around them.

Case in point: my mum was supervising my 3yo yesterday. His clothes got wet playing with water and he was running around naked.

DM: Would you like to get some clothes on now?
DS: No!
DM: How about your pyjamas?
DS: No!

Me: DS, we need to have clothes on.
Escorted him to the bedroom. Found clothes. Sat him on my lap and put his trousers on.
DS: My train top.
Me: Ok

Appropriately clothed DS goes back to playing. No fuss, no shouting and harsh discipline, but if it's not optional, don't make it sound optional!

True. And in my experience, it is getting worst.

Thank you. I learned a lot from these discussions as well.

Some commenters here don’t get my point. I’m not judging anyone’s parenting—that’s up to each family. What I’m criticizing is when there’s no discipline at all.

Or you could just leave them home alone whilst you go to the pub ? Alternatively send them out to play form 10-6 whith no idea where they are?

I am concluding those getting arsey are wet parents themselves. Good luck for the future - you’ll need it.

Now see i don't remember any kids left alone either while parents went to pub

This kind of comment is obviously from someone who wasn't actually bringing up kids then

Don’t be silly, they can sit in the car.

Have to agree with this.

It didn't help that my own childhood was more than slightly complicated but I stumbled upon some of the tips in this thread by sheer chance, which did help. Then picked up some info on a parenting course, and then by watching friends who are good parents.

But I wish very much we'd had the autism diagnosis earlier and learned the difference between parenting a neurotypical child and a ND child. I also wish I'd had the courage and confidence to realise that the people who speak with enormous confidence that 'you just need to do this and it will work' sometimes really don't have a clue what they're talking about.

What is wrong about leaving them at home if they old enough to be ok?

I personally would have loved being dragged along to the pub. If I had been, I would’ve had a great time: I always enjoyed being in the company of adults. Plus, I probably would’ve been allowed a soft drink and a bag of crisps, which was a special-occasion treat for me. Of course, kids these days wouldn’t enjoy any of that, because they get Fruit Shoots and Diet Coke with a packet of crisps for breakfast, and they’re handed a tablet the moment they have nothing to do for two minutes.

As for sending them outside: I had a magical childhood. I was constantly outdoors with my siblings and friends, and yes, my parents only had a vague idea of where we were (just like parents did for tens of thousands of years, long before phones???) My parents didn’t have to worry about us, because we knew how to take care of ourselves. We had basic common sense and survival skills.

So yes, you might think you’re helping children by keeping them by your side and never letting them explore, but don’t be surprised when a 12-year-old has an anxiety attack just because they have to get on a bus.

Of course, kids these days wouldn’t enjoy any of that, because they get Fruit Shoots and Diet Coke with a packet of crisps for breakfast, and they’re handed a tablet the moment they have nothing to do for two minutes.

Is that really how you parent, or do you mean every kid except your own?

The PP was likely referring to DC like DH, who was hit by a car at four whilst playing out with his junior school siblings. He broke his collar bone and leg, and was carried home a leg and a wing by his siblings. Or maybe you think that is character building?

Most sensible parents I know now encourage independence at an age appropriate level. If your area is anywhere like mine, you may find if you let your DC run free before an age most people feel is appropriate you will end up referred to Early Help by school for concerns around your ability to parent and safeguard your children.

Of course, you have to take it to extremes.

No one here is suggesting letting a 3-year-old run wild outside without supervision.

I'm not the one suggesting that every kid is raised by junk food and screens. Imentioned school, so obviously wasn't discussing 3YOs. An unsupervised 6YO for example would often lead to a referral due to concerns.

Just half an hour ago, I told off my husband about this. He asked our dd, “Can I make a suggestion?” and I told him, “Why do you even ask her? Just make the suggestion—she’ll either take it or not

I bet you’re insufferable to be married to!

Where? A local ( ish ) estate I deliver to have lots of kids in the5-7 age groups playing outside unsupervised.

Been the same for at least 20 years

Phrasing a requirement as a request is always a bad idea, as is asking an opinion on something when your intention is to disregard it.
I don't think its good parenting or respectful to lead a child to believe they have a choice when they don't, because ultimately you're going to end up sending the message that their opinion doesn't matter. "It's time to go home now because we need to have dinner. Are you going to put your shoes on or shall I help?"
Its never going to go brilliantly with a child who wants to stay, so my strategy was to try and have a positive for them to be moving on to. "Then when we've had dinner we can do (other thing child likes)"

I live in North Yorkshire. Here if the police SS or emergency services were made aware of an unsupervised DC of that age a safeguarding referral would be made. Obviously I am not saying DC shouldn't play out with a correct level of adult supervision. But if like OP says DC of that age were out and about with parents only having a vague idea of where they were this would be a concern. As an example if a DC fell out of a tree and broke a bone, or was hit by a car, streets away from home this would be a concern. Remember unless you're close to these DC you wouldn't be aware if they are known to SS, more people are than you would imagine.

Whole estate fulls of kids?? Tbh it's usually in the posher safer areas that kids ARE NOT out playing which is kind of back to front

Your examples are not examples of begging but they are examples of how we would politely ask someone to do something when that someone is an adult. I guess most people are just used to phrasing their demands in this non aggressive non dominant way rather than literally begging their kids.

However I do agree that it probably is not helpful with young kids as they take everything literal. I often have to stop myself from saying "should we go now?" To "let's go now". I dont know if it's more effective but I imagine it is less confusing for a toddler