Perspective on BIL GF please

[Unc]

I have no idea on this at all so would appreciate some perspective. On the one hand I admire her principles, on the other it seems mean and slightly like blackmail.

My BIL gave up employment a few years ago to run his own business. In the main it does well, but is going through a lean time at the moment and he is starting to make noises about needing his mum (MIL) to help tide him over until the next set of invoices are paid.

He's been with his GF for 2 years. They usually live pretty well with meals out and things. Because of the lean times they have both been cutting back. She earns 6 figures and as a result is saving even more money than she usually does. BIL has indicated that she saves several thousand each month. She isn't flashy at all and the salary comes with the job as it were, rather than her wanting to earn loads to sustain her lifestyle.

Over a few glasses of wine at the weekend I asked why she wasn't helping her partner out and instead expecting MIL to step in. She said that he can have access to whatever money the want if they get married. But she wont support him until then, even as a loan. I asked if she would actually marry him and she said she'd marry him tomorrow if he asked, but he doesn't want to get married.

So this is where I am struggling - I don't think my MIL you have to support him rather than his partner. She enjoys a nice lifestyle with him normally, and it seems bloody minded to go without because he is going through a tough few months. Equally she shouldn't have to support someone if she doesn't want to.

What a woman - totally admire her for sticking to her guns. Why should she bail out someone who is not prepared to marry her. How many threads on here do we see where the woman has helped out the man and he has shat all over her.

if she gave him the money, and he pissed it up the wall and they're not married... what is the comeback for her? none

If she lent it to him with a contract and interest and a payment plan? what would you think of that then?

She is being VERY sensible. There is already an element of "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free" already. Clearly she wants to get married. Clearly he (stupidly) doesn't. That's all on him.

She is absolutely right. Marriage is a legal contract, being a girlfriend of a few years isn't. Why shoukd she support him when she has no legal contract to protect her investment in him?

It’s not a partnership unless there are two people in it. If there’s just a woman in it who wants to get married, then handing over her income to salvage his struggling (failing?) business is being a doormat, not a partner. If he decides he wants a partnership, he will tell her. Hopefully for his sake she hasn’t gotten sick of waiting changed her mind about him.

I think she’s very, very sensible. The guy has a girlfriend and she’s giving him the girlfriend experience. If he wants the wife experience he needs to make a commitment. Too many of us give the wife experience in the hope that they’ll see how great we are and make us their wife only to get fucked over.

Your BIL decided to give up employment to run his own business. It is hard and even when the business succeeds the first years can be financially challenging. Now he's having a problem financially (hopefully a temporary blip) and BIL has decided someone needs to help him, in this case his mum. Your BIL has also decided he doesn't want to make the commitment of marriage to his girlfriend. Fair enough.

But the GF is also allowed to decide things too. Her healthy, hard earned bank balance and wallet is something she is only prepared to share with a man who is her husband. Why should she subsidise him? Why should she make that sacrifice when he refuses to marry? She is already curtailing her activities to support her BOYFRIEND. She could be saying 'Nah, I'm going to carry on enjoying the luxuries on my own. You stay here at home while I live the high life'. Now that would be like rubbing his nose in it. If your MIL wants to help her son that is up to her. You are interfering and the GF should have told you to get to fuck and pay for little Timmy's living costs yourself if you are that worried about him.
It isn't unfair treatment or fucking blackmail. How the hell did you leap to that in your judgement of the GF. You clearly have a fixation on other people's finances and an attitude that they should spend their money in a way you approve of.

Good for her!

She’s a smart lady. I hope she sticks to her guns. They are not married, their finances are not enmeshed, she is quite right to protect her money and let him worry about his.

No, she shouldn’t be loaning him money if he won’t marry her. Absolutely not. And I hope my daughters never end up with a man like that.

The business has worked for a good few years he's just over committed himself. It is very much a blip. Normally he would be making 6 figures as well. They are pretty equal in that regard- it's just where she is employed her income is more predictable.

I appreciate the views here. As I said, I didn't know what the right answer was. But it appears she is right for sticking to her guns and keeping her money to herself. I know she is right for wanting to protect herself. I just dont like my MIL being seen as the safety net

She’d be stupid to marry him anyway. She sounds like a very smart woman, good for her.

If his business isn’t viable, he should give it up and go back to paid work. Nobody should be having to bail him out. He is the one taking advantage.

I just wonder, OP, why you're only scrutinising the girlfriend's behaviour and not asking why your BIL won't marry her? It seems like he's getting away scot-free holding out his hand to the women in his life without you thinking he should offer anything in return? It's him treating your MIL as a safety net, not her.

You're so weirdly invested in this I wonder if there is some jealousy that MIL is giving BIL money but not your DH?

It isn't even your mother, I'd be livid if I was either MIL or BBIL. They are able to make their own decisions without your input.

Truly odd.

I think she sounds great. Sounds like he’s used to women bailing him out.

MIL also has a choice. She doesn’t have to help him.

Less in the inheritance pot, innit?

She is doing exactly what I would do. Why on earth would she hand over money in this situation? She’s adjusting her spending as he can’t afford their previous social life- seems sensible to me.

Shes sticking to her boundaries. Good for her.

Do you also acknowledge that it is your BIL treating MIL as a safely net, not his GF?

There is no safety in this for GF, she is independent and will continue to be independent whether BIL’s business succeeds or fails.

Why doesn't he apply for invoice finance rather than asking family for handouts?

Could it be that BIL and GF are no longer available for double dates that is not sitting well with you?

She's quite right in not wanting to use her earned income to prop up a failing business. If it really was just lean times in an otherwise viable business he could get a loan. Why she should be expected to take a risk a bank wouldnt? And for a man not sufficiently committed to her to marry her. He's probably doing her a huge favour in withholding marriage tbh, as I'm not sure a wedding ring from a reluctant groom is worth losing your assets for.
You should not have questioned her in that loaded way either imo, implying she was wrong that that he 'had' to ask his mother. His decision to ask his mother to sub him is his alone, not her responsibility.

All power to the GF!!! Thank God a story about a woman doing the right thing and having boundaries. Why should she support him?!

That is exactly how it reads. All this faux concern for MIL...

Nothing baffling about her at all.
Wise, smart woman refusing to financially subsidise a man she is not married to, when they normally split 50/50.

The blackmail comment was only that she will give him all the money he needs if he marries her. That was the bit that didn't seem right. She is thoroughly uninterested in the money she earns and has no idea what to do with it, it doesn't seem to mean a lot to her but she is happy to dangle it as a carrot