Perspective on BIL GF please

[Unc]

I have no idea on this at all so would appreciate some perspective. On the one hand I admire her principles, on the other it seems mean and slightly like blackmail.

My BIL gave up employment a few years ago to run his own business. In the main it does well, but is going through a lean time at the moment and he is starting to make noises about needing his mum (MIL) to help tide him over until the next set of invoices are paid.

He's been with his GF for 2 years. They usually live pretty well with meals out and things. Because of the lean times they have both been cutting back. She earns 6 figures and as a result is saving even more money than she usually does. BIL has indicated that she saves several thousand each month. She isn't flashy at all and the salary comes with the job as it were, rather than her wanting to earn loads to sustain her lifestyle.

Over a few glasses of wine at the weekend I asked why she wasn't helping her partner out and instead expecting MIL to step in. She said that he can have access to whatever money the want if they get married. But she wont support him until then, even as a loan. I asked if she would actually marry him and she said she'd marry him tomorrow if he asked, but he doesn't want to get married.

So this is where I am struggling - I don't think my MIL you have to support him rather than his partner. She enjoys a nice lifestyle with him normally, and it seems bloody minded to go without because he is going through a tough few months. Equally she shouldn't have to support someone if she doesn't want to.

I suspect she also sees that it’s not a relationship that is going to go anywhere. After all, he won’t marry her out of love and he won’t marry her out of a pragmatic and practical business need. Since she wants to get married and he doesn’t, I expect she will be ending things before long and wants her money staying with her.

Very good point. It would be interesting to hear OP's answer to it.

Somehow I think her answer will be no, they won't/can't. After all, that would mean her having to put her money where her mouth currently is. 🙄🤣

I am your SIL. We even have a child together. Everything is split percentage wise (so I do pay more) but that's it. My boyfriend has made a choice to have a career that he loves but does not pay big bucks (government).

I chose the shitty unrewarding corporate ladder with long hours because I grew up extremely poor and I like nice things.

Why would I subsidise him? He can make more money but chooses not to. Why should I give him my hard earned money?

Also similarly my boyfriend doesn't want to get married. Personally I don't care either way. Financially I would be worse off and I am conscious of that. Romantically, I would be up for it. So it's his choice really.

Why should she commit to propping up his failing business if he won't commit to marrying her? She won't get that money back if he dumps her.

You EXPLICITLY asked her why she isn’t stepping up?!! Wow. You would have been wearing that wine 🤣

• Fair play to her, sticking to her principles
• She could ask him to marry her, unless a woman not doing the asking is also one of her principles.
• Not sure if they live together yet, if not, then I see her point totally.

I just don't know at what stage you go from being BF/GF to a true partnership

Well, evidently marriage is the point at which your BIL's girlfriend considers this to happen.

She doesn't seem to be "dangling her money as a carrot", she's not said to him, "If you marry me I'll bail out your business" or "If you propose I'll lend you twenty grand" (has she?). She's observed that they are not financially tied together (and that, quite sensibly in my opinion, if HE doesn't want that tie then he doesn't get to have the benefits of it).

Honestly! The GF should have responded asking why OP’s husband isn’t stepping up to support his brother.

I sense there is some underlying jealousy OP has of this BIL’s GF because she earns well.

Sorry but the only one out of order here is you.
why should sh “step up” as you say? Nope, big nope. Sounds like she has been extremely supportive and is cutting back in sensitivity to her bf. But that doesn’t make her responsible. It’s her money. If they were married, then I’d think she should help her husband, but they’re not married, so it’s not the same thing at all.
youre bang out of order for confronting her like that and owe her an apology.

I just don't know at what stage you go from being BF/GF to a true partnership

When you say I do and the law says your assets are joint.

She would be a fool to give him a penny.

I bet it's more that he thinks his business is going to boom and he doesn't want her having any part of it.

The ones that are still borrowing money from family and friends several years into starting their business always seem to be the ones that reckon they're going to be the next Bezos or Sugar.

If you have an ounce of sense you will sincerely apologise for even asking, and plead alcohol as the reason.

If she has an ounce of sense, which it seems she does, your rude, noseying question will mark your card with her, and she will be very wary and boundaried with you going forward.
I certainly would.

The business has worked for a good few years he's just over committed himself. It is very much a blip. Normally he would be making 6 figures as well. They are pretty equal in that regard- it's just where she is employed her income is more predictable.

If he's been making 6 figures for a "good few years" yet has no safety net and has over committed himself then she's even more sensible not to get involved without any commitment as that shows a real lack of business sense on his part.

He should have been building a safety net, not going out multiple times a week and spending equivalent to someone with a predictable income

And a business that is successful enough for BIL to take a six figure salary can survive a blip of a few invoices.

If it does, of course. Even if OP means it turns over six figures, BIL has poor reserves and cash flow management.

I’m with her. Although if I wanted to marry someone and they didn’t want to marry me, after 2 years I’d leave.

She's absolutely right. My guess is she'll move on to someone who is prepared,to make a commitment.
Too many women (a lot of whom post on here) let men get away with far too much, and sacrifice their own financial stability. If she puts money in, and his business fails, that's her security compromised, and all her saving wasted. I know this sounds mercenary, but it really matters that any woman can make her own life decisions, and financial security is key to that.

Over a few glasses of wine at the weekend I asked why she wasn't helping her partner out and instead expecting MIL to step in.

The absolute fucking cheek of you for even thinking that was ok to ask.

The way she chooses to spend (or save) her money nothing to do with you, nor is the prospect of BIL asking his own mother for assistance.

You sound like a huge Pick Me.

If his business has bern successful for a few years and he has bern earning 6 figures why doesn’t he have savings to tide him over?

The gf sounds sensible. Maybe she thinks he would take more risks if she bailed him out and isn’t up for that.

She’s not expecting your MIL to step in, he is. Your MIL can also do as his partner does and refuse to finance him.

This is not in any way either of their responsibility. That your MIL chooses to step in is on her, and does not oblige his girlfriend to do the same.

Yes, that’s what I mean. Everyone would be calling the woman a gold digger and the poster probably wouldn’t even think this was remotely baffling!!

Then its down to BiL to put his big boy pants on and support himself isn't it?
Don't know why either his mum or his girlfriend should be expected to bankroll him.

Why aren't you stepping up and bailing him out?

Yes, being sensible and financially prudent is often denigrated as being ‘cold’, as if it isn’t in fact vastly superior to being foolish (or ‘warm’, if you’d rather) and putting yourself at a disadvantage.

They're not married. Why do you expect a gf to support him rather than his next of kin, which is his mom?

It's no one's job to step up to support a business that sounds like it's going to fail. He can ask whoever he wants. If they say yes, that's their choice. GF's being smart not putting money in she's unlikely to see back as there are no legal ties. Good for her.

The thing that always amazes me with threads like this is that you say your Bil normally earns £100k, but has no savings to bail himself out.
How on earth can people be so clever to earn that much but have no financial acumen or pay for advice?