Perspective on BIL GF please

[Unc]

I have no idea on this at all so would appreciate some perspective. On the one hand I admire her principles, on the other it seems mean and slightly like blackmail.

My BIL gave up employment a few years ago to run his own business. In the main it does well, but is going through a lean time at the moment and he is starting to make noises about needing his mum (MIL) to help tide him over until the next set of invoices are paid.

He's been with his GF for 2 years. They usually live pretty well with meals out and things. Because of the lean times they have both been cutting back. She earns 6 figures and as a result is saving even more money than she usually does. BIL has indicated that she saves several thousand each month. She isn't flashy at all and the salary comes with the job as it were, rather than her wanting to earn loads to sustain her lifestyle.

Over a few glasses of wine at the weekend I asked why she wasn't helping her partner out and instead expecting MIL to step in. She said that he can have access to whatever money the want if they get married. But she wont support him until then, even as a loan. I asked if she would actually marry him and she said she'd marry him tomorrow if he asked, but he doesn't want to get married.

So this is where I am struggling - I don't think my MIL you have to support him rather than his partner. She enjoys a nice lifestyle with him normally, and it seems bloody minded to go without because he is going through a tough few months. Equally she shouldn't have to support someone if she doesn't want to.

Look up blackmail in the dictionary, this is not it.

Good for her. He's a grown man who should support himself, him asking his mum is on h8m nothing to do with his partner. Two years isn't actually that long and how much are we talking?

But it appears she is right for sticking to her guns and keeping her money to herself. I know she is right for wanting to protect herself. I just dont like my MIL being seen as the safety net

But it’s your BIL who sees his mother in that way, not his girlfriend. Maybe your problem is with him?

I agree with her- she wants the commitment of a marriage before she lends her money out, and why wouldn’t she? If he doesn’t want to marry her, is that because he’s waiting to see if he can do better? I don’t see her as manipulative at all, apparently she has been quite open and she’s not asking him to go into debt or anything to maintain their lifestyle- she’s supporting him to cut back. That seems pretty helpful to me.

OP - are you worried about MIL or are you worried that MIL may “waste” your inheritance helping her son, so would rather his partner does so to protect your (eventual) inheritance? She isn’t even your mother, and that is her son - is your DH as concerned as you? Like other posters have said I am shocked you actually asked her this - it is 100% none of your business!!!

She is very intelligent- marriage is actually a legal contract not a romantic thing. She is very wise to refuse to bankroll someone who won’t even commit to her. At least with marriage she would have a legal stake in the company or her investment would be safer when things go bust. There may also be good reasons she doesn’t want to invest in BIL business - you think it’s going well but have no idea what the ins and outs are or how he’s ended up needing to be bailed out. Stop making this her (or your MIL) issue - he needs to sort himself out and you need to wind your neck in.

If it's just a blip his bank should be his first port of call.

If he doesn’t want to marry but she does then she is being very sensible. It doesn’t sound like a partnership at the moment, just two people dating.

I just don't know at what stage you go from being BF/GF to a true partnership

But she seems certain in her mind when that stage is, doesn't she?
For her it comes with being married and that seems quite reasonable

It isn’t at all manipulative, no. She’s being smart. Why should she be committed enough to bankroll someone who isn’t committed enough to marry her.

Even if she did literally give him an ultimatum- marry me or were through type thing, that wouldn’t be manipulative, that would be her saying what she wants from the relationship and saying if they don’t want the same things they’d both be better finding someone who does.

She has her head screwed on, and he needs to grow up and stop spending money on a lavish lifestyle until he has enough savings to tide him over during tougher points in times in his business. As he hasn’t, he needs another job to do so, rather than relying on GF or mum to do so.

i agree. Wise woman.

Oh 100%. He is the one asking, and he hasn't even properly asked his GF. I was the one who asked why she isn't stepping up, which is when she said he can have whatever money he likes from her when they are married.

If the business usually does well, really he should be putting profits aside for lean times. His first stop should be his business banking advisor for an overdraft, if they turn him down, they have concluded that it's too risky, therefore no one should be putting personal money in. I think when you get to a stage in a business that's been running for a few years that your asking family for a loan, it's time to give it up. I think the gf knows this and if married would be prepared to take the risk, but it is a very big risk and a big ask of a gf of 2 years in a relationship with no commitment.

It's her security for the future. A future that your BIL isn't prepared to offer her. Why do you think she should give that up for him? Your judgement of her is palpable, but you don't seem to have any disdain for a man who apparently has a successful business but hasn't bothered to save for 'blips' and thinks it's his girlfriend or mother's responsibility to pay for him?!

She's spot on.

I presume me wasn't handing over equity in his business to her when things were going well

Yup! And ANOTHER woman doesn’t like it! Wow, just wow!

You've caught a bit of flak for this, but in isolation this particular aspect does seem odd. If she really is depriving herself of pleasure that she can easily afford out of bloody-mindedly sticking to a rule that everything must be paid for 50/50 until marriage...that's a bit strange.

However, that is a very separate thing from bailing out a business venture that 'generally does well' but is also apparently only a few unpaid invoices away from insolvency. Either it doesn't really do that well or the management of it is shite (or both). Either way I wouldn't touch it with a bargepole, married or not.

Don't blame her and it's not really any of your business

No, she WANTS it to be a partnership but he does not seem to want the same. He does not want to marry her and create that partnership. Instead, he wants her (or you do) to be a partner by supporting him financially, without any of the other aspects of a partnership that she wants.

Also, she is not "dangling it as a carrot". she is laying down a very clear boundary that whlie they are not married, her money is just that - her money. I suspect she would not want him to marry her if he only did it for the money, but at the same time, she's making the point that he doesn't get to pick and choose the bits of marriage he likes.

It's quite odd that you have this view. You do seem to rather think that he is her responsibility instead of that he should step up and be responsible for himself.

It just seems baffling, to work as hard as she does to earn money that she is not happy to spend. She's now putting thousands into savings rather than dropping £30 to cover his share of a dinner that she really enjoys. Instead she'll sit at home with him.

Like I said, I can't get my head around who's wrong and who is right here.

It's not baffling at all when you consider she's basically saying that she's not prepared to contribute towards his business when he's made no financial commitment to her.

Very wise imo.

Maybe she doesn’t want to set a precedent for financially looking after a man who is not prepared to make a commitment to her. Maybe she is making a point that his business is actually not viable if he needs mummy to bail him out.

Maybe you need to back off with your misogyny and interference.

Sounds like she has listened to the advice of Mumsnetters, good on her

No she’s not dangling it as a carrot. She has a brain in her head and is using it to protect herself from someone who could take something which will one day be valuable to her, in return for….what? Love?

You have this all wrong. You’re looking at your DH’s family and her as a separate person there to facilitate your BIL/MIL. And you know what? So is she. Quite rightly so. Because both her bf and you don’t see her as one of them - if you did, you’d care for her protection as much as you seem to care about MIL and realise it’s nobody’s job but BIL’s to get himself out of this temporary pickle. Money and family don’t and shouldn’t ever mix. He should go to the bank, like the majority of entrepreneurs have to at some point or another.

What a sensible woman! I have lot of respect for her and I haven’t even met her.

It isn’t manipulative of her, it is very bright and enlightened. She clearly sees themselves as a partnership as she supports him and curbs her lifestyle in order to still do things with him. It is your BiL that isn’t seeing her as a partner.

You worried about any possible inheritance being less if your MIL helps him out?