Perspective on BIL GF please

[Unc]

I have no idea on this at all so would appreciate some perspective. On the one hand I admire her principles, on the other it seems mean and slightly like blackmail.

My BIL gave up employment a few years ago to run his own business. In the main it does well, but is going through a lean time at the moment and he is starting to make noises about needing his mum (MIL) to help tide him over until the next set of invoices are paid.

He's been with his GF for 2 years. They usually live pretty well with meals out and things. Because of the lean times they have both been cutting back. She earns 6 figures and as a result is saving even more money than she usually does. BIL has indicated that she saves several thousand each month. She isn't flashy at all and the salary comes with the job as it were, rather than her wanting to earn loads to sustain her lifestyle.

Over a few glasses of wine at the weekend I asked why she wasn't helping her partner out and instead expecting MIL to step in. She said that he can have access to whatever money the want if they get married. But she wont support him until then, even as a loan. I asked if she would actually marry him and she said she'd marry him tomorrow if he asked, but he doesn't want to get married.

So this is where I am struggling - I don't think my MIL you have to support him rather than his partner. She enjoys a nice lifestyle with him normally, and it seems bloody minded to go without because he is going through a tough few months. Equally she shouldn't have to support someone if she doesn't want to.

Tell her to join mumsnet. We need more sensible women.

I mean, aside from the fact that your brother in laws business, and your mother in laws decision to help her child, is absolutely nothing to do with you whatsoever and you certainly don't get to have any involvement or voice opinions on the matter...

She would be a fool to hand over money without any stake in the business. She's being very pragmatic, which is to be admired.

I'm guessing if BIL only wanted her for her money he would have married her already.

You really don't like the GF do you?

I'm team GF..and team BIL- because sounds like he wants to be an equal financial partner and won't commit until he has reached that point.

She sees him as lacking commitment to her and doesn't want to invest in him if he's not committed. Seems very sensible to me.

They are not a partnership. She's just a girlfriend.

It's good you see that. But I still don't see what she has to 'step up' to. She doesn't owe him financial support.

Do they even live together?

I don’t know why you think it’s any of your business. I’m amazed she gave you an answer other than MYOB.

@Unc Did you fund all your boyfriends, or do you just want another woman to fund someone who is none of your concern?

Are you also thinking inheritance from MIL is being depleted? Maybe take out a calculator to reduce BIL’s inheritance by the sums you think his girlfriend of 2 years should have covered?

do you work or sahp? Is your husband your only boyfriend you have had?

i am genuinely trying to establish what has contributed to you being baffled you?

OP - you asked when bf/gf becomes a partnership including tangled finances. This woman has decided that for her, it happens at marriage and her bf is either not ready or never interested in marrying her. As far as you know he doesn’t want her money either.

When I was dating I NEVER saw my bf/gf’s money as mine, but a few times I made the mistake of thinking of mine as ours and it never ever worked.

My perspective is it's none of your business and you should keep your beak out.

Well he knows what she wants and has chosen to tighten his belt rather than propose. In her shoes I'd walk. In his shoes, I'd propose. She is a good catch.

Has she actually dangled it as a carrot, though?

She's told you that she won't provide financial support to a boyfriend - only a husband. Very sensible of her. Good boundary to draw. But has she actually delivered it to him as an ultimatum? Has he actually asked her for money, and she's refused unless he marries her? Or has he actually turned to his mother first, rather than his girlfriend of only two years whom he shouldn't expect serious financial help from anyway?

Because it seems like they're not at the stage of getting married anyway. While she would say yes, it doesn't seem like this is a bone of contention between them. She's not withholding money to be manipulative, she's withholding it because this is a relatively new relationship, not even a particularly long-term one.

And in terms of having dinner in with him instead of eating out... that's also normal, and nice. Presumably regardless of all the above she loves him and enjoys his company, so is happy to join him at home. Possibly she doesn't even see it as a sacrifice.

Neither of them is behaving abnormally imo.

So this is where I am struggling - I don't think my MIL you have to support him

Correct.
He is a grown able bodied man he should be self sufficient.

I would struggle with his behaviour too.

If his business is struggling he should be talking to banks amd arranging loans not mooching arpund looking for hand outs off his mother or girlfriend

Because marriage comes with protections. This isn't anything like blackmail. It's not even an ultimatum.

If he normally makes 6 figures from his business then why doesn't he have any savings to cover this blip?

Ah I missed this - so he hasn't asked his gf for money. Quite right!

They've only been going out two years. That's not long enough to be expecting either serious financial help or marriage.

If his business was making six figures he should've been building a safety net, not going out multiple times in a week. It seems you are worried MIL will support him and therefore deplete your inheritance. I hope the GF strengthens her backbone further and leaves the lot of you to it.

I just dont like my MIL being seen as the safety net

Then your beef is with BIL, isn't it? He's the one using MIL as a safety net.

So he's been earning a six figure salary but hasn't had the sense to save any money to see him through any blips? I wouldn't bail him out even if we were married. Either that or it's a much bigger blip that you insinuate

What in the world? Why is it your business if your BIL sees his mum as his bank, that’s his mum. If anything, let your husband take this battle forward? I’m sorry you seem a bit too invested in the inner workings of your husband’s family, am I missing something here…?

The BIL’s GF is absolutely within her right to not support him in this difficult financial time if she doesn’t want to. There was just another thread on here recently about a woman becoming resentful of having to support her man with their holidays, dinners etc. and he was promising to pay her back and never did. She was the higher earner of the two.

Until the BIL decides to marry his GF, she should keep her money separate, keep up with her savings and stop all the fancy outings they were going 50/50 on since now he can’t bring in his 50. And you should probably mind your business a little more.

Perfectly put.

Every day of the week women on here are berated for having low standards, no boundaries, and making decisions around finances, relationships, marriage and children that are entirely against their own interests, and then suffering the consequences.

Here’s a brilliant example of a young woman who’s doing everything right, and along comes OP with “why aren’t you stepping up to give money to this grown-ass man who doesn’t want to marry you but can’t support himself? Seems a bit cold …”

I can’t believe you had the brass neck to even insinuate she should, OP. If you’re worried about him running to his mummy for cash, it’s his mummy you should be discussing this with (if you really think it’s your place). Or - here’s an idea - with him?!

Or maybe all the women who are taking such an interest in his livelihood should get together and collectively suggest he gets himself an actual paying job?

Whether or not his GF tides him over, his mother should not.

He should not even have asked his mother.

I suspect that his business isn't as solid as he makes public, which is why his GF won't help him out.

She's being very sensible and is protecting herself. She'd support him financially if he would marry her but he says he doesn't want to. She has told you that very clearly. It's a good and healthy boundary. If she poured in money now without any commitment from your BIL then he could just bog off with it and never pay her back.

I'm just baffled about why you are baffled over this. Your BIL's financial woes are not his (still relatively new) girlfriend's responsibility, especially if he won't marry her and give her the commitment she has made clear that she wants.

Not at all baffling. Very straightforward, in fact.

All she is saying is that he can have access to her money when the law of the land says that their assets are joint. That’s hardly manipulative or blackmail is it? She has put in a very reasonable boundary and you are doubting her character!

Blackmail would be if she said that if he didn’t marry her she would reveal or broadcast something that would be damaging to him…it’s certainly not about withholding money that he has absolutely no right to at all.

Manipulation would involve underhand behaviour and she hasn’t demonstrated this either.

Do you really think that a young, successful woman should jeopardise herself financially for a guy who won’t commit to her?

What your MIL does or doesn't do is for her to decide, not for you to push onto BIL's girlfriend.

You need to wind your neck in. It's not your business.

I also think it reflects well on him that he isn't marrying her just because this is her condition/boundary. It would have been very easy for him to propose and therefore get access to her assets.

Why aren’t you and your husband stepping up, as you put it, to lend/give him the money? That way you don’t need to be worried about your MIL. After all, it’s only a little blip in his finances.