Perspective on BIL GF please

[Unc]

I have no idea on this at all so would appreciate some perspective. On the one hand I admire her principles, on the other it seems mean and slightly like blackmail.

My BIL gave up employment a few years ago to run his own business. In the main it does well, but is going through a lean time at the moment and he is starting to make noises about needing his mum (MIL) to help tide him over until the next set of invoices are paid.

He's been with his GF for 2 years. They usually live pretty well with meals out and things. Because of the lean times they have both been cutting back. She earns 6 figures and as a result is saving even more money than she usually does. BIL has indicated that she saves several thousand each month. She isn't flashy at all and the salary comes with the job as it were, rather than her wanting to earn loads to sustain her lifestyle.

Over a few glasses of wine at the weekend I asked why she wasn't helping her partner out and instead expecting MIL to step in. She said that he can have access to whatever money the want if they get married. But she wont support him until then, even as a loan. I asked if she would actually marry him and she said she'd marry him tomorrow if he asked, but he doesn't want to get married.

So this is where I am struggling - I don't think my MIL you have to support him rather than his partner. She enjoys a nice lifestyle with him normally, and it seems bloody minded to go without because he is going through a tough few months. Equally she shouldn't have to support someone if she doesn't want to.

It just seems baffling, to work as hard as she does to earn money that she is not happy to spend. She's now putting thousands into savings rather than dropping £30 to cover his share of a dinner that she really enjoys. Instead she'll sit at home with him.

Like I said, I can't get my head around who's wrong and who is right here.

I think you should be keeping your nose out of both situations, the gf and bil and the mil and bil.
Not one of them is to do with you.

I like her!

Your MIL could say no. Your BIL’s finances are his concern and given he won’t marry or commit in a way his girlfriend wants him to, they certainly aren’t her concern either.

Given your BIL and his girlfriend want different things in the future, it means they don’t have a long term future together. So why should she waste her money and savings on him, because she can’t guarantee she will get it back.

Has it affected your social life with BIL and GF? Do they no longer go out with anyone, including you and DH?

There are two completely separate issues here:

Issue 1: BIL's GF IS being supportive - instead of heading out to do expensive things without him, she's agreeing to cheaper, smaller, less regular activities to meet his current financial situation. She is 100% right to refuse to give or loan him money. Particularly as it sounds liek she would like to get married but he doesn't want to - so why on earth should he get the financial benefits of marriage to a wealthy women when she's not getting any of the benefits SHE wants from marriage?

Issue 2: Your BIL appears to be comfortable with being supported by other family members. As a once off, that seems reasonable. More worrying would be if this is a regular thing.

If you had a daughter, OP, and this situation was happening to her, and she was offering to bail him out, are you saying that the first words out of your mouth would not be
'have you made sure that you've got something legal set up so that you will get the money back?'
And/or 'are you sure that's a good idea, why can't he get a business loan or a second job?'
Very curious to know your answer!

I am concerned about my MIL being seen as the family bank and don't want her being taken advantage of.

Then the conversation you need to have is with your brother-in-law. (Or your husband.) His girlfriend isn't, and shouldn't be, his meal ticket.

97% of people who have voted don’t find her behaviour baffling at all. Perhaps try to take more of a step back and be objective about this.

You go from BF/GF when you’re committed enough to marry them. HE isn’t. Therefore, he doesn’t get access to his GF’s money.

Sounds as though he usually overspends though if he doesn’t have savings saved up to help him out during tougher points in the business. It shouldn’t be that MIL needs to bail him out, it should be that he gets extra work to support himself whilst his business has a rough patch.

When you marry until then neither party has any obligation to financially support the other.
This may seem cold to you but he clearly doesn't see her as a "partner" or wife material so why should she finance him?

It also sounds to me like your BIL's GF is making a point to him - this is your life if you don't take more financial responsibility and don't marry me.

I don’t know why you’re so confused?

She’s behaving impeccably. She’s supporting him by not going out and rubbing his face in it that he can’t. She’s saving her money sensibly, not flashing it about. She has made it very clear she loves him and would marry him tomorrow and share her life, love, and money with him.

He doesn’t want to marry her (whether it’s commitment issues or just doesn’t want marriage in general), so until they’re on the same page, why should she bankroll him and act like they are a committed partnership when it’s not what he wants?

Do BIL and his GF live together? If yes, it's possible she is already helping out by paying more than her share of the rent/bills.

I would advise my daughter not to bankroll a man who won't marry her. If I had a friend whose boyfriend's business needed cash, I'd be telling her not to help him out. She'd be foolish to make a significant financial commitment to someone who won't make a legal and emotional commitment to her (the legal aspect being more significant).

If they get married, their assets are shared. Until then, it's a terrible idea for her to bankroll him.

Absolutely not. We don’t have a lot of information from OP. The girlfriend, in my view, with the info we do have, is probably making v sensible decisions.

lf, on the other hand, she is using money to move the relationship in the direction she wants that could be read as manipulative

It doesn’t sound like a particularly healthy relationship; they want v different things, she’s highly successful, him not so much. How old are they? If he’s 30+ and needs baling out by anyone I would regard that as a massive red flag

Absolutely he shouldn't be running to Mummy to help with his bills. I am with you there. But neither is it her problem - she wants commitment it appears he's not willing to give!

If the sexes were reversed here and it was a woman who wanted to go out for fancy dinners etc., but couldn’t afford it and expected her partner to buy things for her when he was perfectly happy staying in and spending time together I think you’d get some different answers!!

Yes, I agree.

If the girlfriend in this situation was my daughter, I would be proud of her for knowing her worth and also supporting her boyfriend separately by scaling down her lifestyle to prevent him going further into debt.

No you wouldn’t. There would be comments about the girlfriend being a gold digger.

Yup, me too

Have you ever read AIBU? She'd get torn to shreds for being greedy and entitled.

That's very true, I hadn't thought of it like that

Why not??

You haven't said why you think she is wrong for not paying more than her share?

Fair play to her. I reckon if a lot more women took this stance and had the same boundary then there would be a lot less cocklodgers getting away with it