Perspective on BIL GF please

[Unc]

I have no idea on this at all so would appreciate some perspective. On the one hand I admire her principles, on the other it seems mean and slightly like blackmail.

My BIL gave up employment a few years ago to run his own business. In the main it does well, but is going through a lean time at the moment and he is starting to make noises about needing his mum (MIL) to help tide him over until the next set of invoices are paid.

He's been with his GF for 2 years. They usually live pretty well with meals out and things. Because of the lean times they have both been cutting back. She earns 6 figures and as a result is saving even more money than she usually does. BIL has indicated that she saves several thousand each month. She isn't flashy at all and the salary comes with the job as it were, rather than her wanting to earn loads to sustain her lifestyle.

Over a few glasses of wine at the weekend I asked why she wasn't helping her partner out and instead expecting MIL to step in. She said that he can have access to whatever money the want if they get married. But she wont support him until then, even as a loan. I asked if she would actually marry him and she said she'd marry him tomorrow if he asked, but he doesn't want to get married.

So this is where I am struggling - I don't think my MIL you have to support him rather than his partner. She enjoys a nice lifestyle with him normally, and it seems bloody minded to go without because he is going through a tough few months. Equally she shouldn't have to support someone if she doesn't want to.

And now imagine if the GF posted here:

”AIBU for thinking my partner’s SIL should mind her own business instead of expecting me to bail out her BIL? We were chatting over a few glasses of wine over the weekend and she was quite upset that my BF is asking his mum to tide his business over financially while it goes through a lean patch when she believes I could afford to bail him out from my own savings and not rely on MIL to do so. We are not married because he has no interest in making that commitment to our future, so there is no financial protection if I were to do so, and also, if I bail him out once, where would I have to draw the line? I’m worried that this would change the balance in our relationship: I want a partner, not a liability, especially if he’s not prepared to marry me, when of course we would combine finances and there would be family money available for those lean periods. BF’s SIL thinks I’m taking advantage of MIL, but doesn’t seem to understand her BIL would be taking advantage of me if he relies on me for that financial support without being prepared to put a ring on it.”

Kindly, your BIL needs to step up and sort his own mess out and not expect either his partner or his mother to fix things. To you, getting money from the GF may seem like rhetorical easy option, especially when you’re concerned about your MIL, but the reality is that their relationship is not yet at a place where that is appropriate. At his choice. Your BIL needs to grow up and work out his priorities and responsibilities, and be realistic about whether he is able to sustain the business or should instead look at going back into regular employment and marrying the partner, who sounds like she has her head screwed on right.

Edit: clarity

I think your BIL girlfriend sounds great and really level headed. He, on the other hand, sounds like a right moocher. Hopefully she’s got the sense not to tie herself to him!

I think it’s none of your business either way!!

Goodness, the OP is very determined to only reply to the 2% that think they are not being unreasonable.

The middle part is what hasn't sat right with me. She wants to get married, would happily marry him tomorrow so does see it as a partnership. But she won't actually act like that until she gets what she wants. Is it advocating for herself, or manipulative? I really don't know

No, that's nonsense.

Where you might get a difference in responses would be if it was a woman who had gone part-time or given up work in order to look after their children. If the hypothetical woman you're imagining was providing the childcare and allowing her partner to work without having to worry about sick days and school holidays then yes, he shouldn't be squirrelling away cash for himself while she goes without. We've all read that scenario many times, which might be why that poster is thinking that a woman would get different answers as it's a fairly common issue - and one that may well be financially abusive.

This situation is nothing like that one. And a woman who comes on AIBU complaining that her boyfriend won't fund her lifestyle and she'll have to ask her parents for a bailout would get short shrift. She'd be told to get a proper job and give up on a business that leaves her short.

OP, I completely understand you don't want his mother to be taken advantage of. However, you seem to think someone who he could brush off in an instant should bankroll him.
Do you not see why many of us are in the GF/Partner's camp?

Because it's not a partnership if it's all one-sided. You think she should pay for him, but he shouldn't have to make a commitment to her. So it isn't a partnership, because he refuses to make it one. She's protecting herself.

Well think about it the other way - she would be happy to be in a partnership with him but he doesn't want this. You don't even know if he would think about asking her for money. Am actually not sure why it's anyone's job to bail him out - if the business isn't working out, he needs to find another way to support himself.

A two year relationship with very disparate income is not a great start to getting financially entrenched. If they break up (he doesn't seem 'that' committed) then she will be out of pocket. Maybe she's happy to have the extra savings and quite happy not to go out several times a week - that's a lot for most people anyway.

What is doing to make this a partnership?

You think people would tell a woman that her boyfriend should be spending her wages and savings on her even though she doesn't want to marry him?

Or you think people would tell a man that he should be spending his wages and savings on his GF even though she doesn't want to marry him?

It’s interesting that the MIL in seen as being at risk of being taken advantage of but the girlfriend wouldn’t be if she was to bankroll him.

As so many others have said, he is an adult. He needs to sort out his own finances. He can either get another job at a supermarket to tide him over or a bank loan. Adults should be able to look after themselves financially, even if that means sorting out benefits and whatever they are entitled to. It doesn’t mean expecting a woman who has sorted out their own finances bailing him out.

If she was actually manipulating him he would not be asking MIL for help and they would be planning a wedding. She has told you more than you had any right to know, which is that she would be happy to marry him but he’s not interested in that, and I’m sure the conversation was actually quite hurtful for her. It can’t be much fun to think that you can be valued for your money but not wanted for a long term commitment from the person you love.

I don't think marrying him would be sensible actually. He'd be a drain on her. She'd lose some of her income possibly. Tying yourself to someone like him when you make an income like that doesn't sound sensible.

But he doesn't see it as a committed partnership with her, so why should she treat it as such.

What about your relationship with your husband, OP? Did you have children before marriage? Did you pay towards his mortgage when the house is his name only? How did your support your DH prior to marriage?

Over a few glasses of wine at the weekend I asked why she wasn't helping her partner out and instead expecting MIL to step in. She said that he can have access to whatever money the want if they get married. But she wont support him until then, even as a loan. I asked if she would actually marry him and she said she'd marry him tomorrow if he asked, but he doesn't want to get married.

YABVVVU. So unreasonable I cant quite believe it.

He won't marry her.He doesn't want to get married but she is happy to marry him.

You think she should freely lend him money when he treats her like that. He's not willing to commit to her but you expect her to supply him with money.

Why doesn't he get off his arse and support himself. He messed up his earning potential by starting a business that isn't working out. I wouldn't be bailing him out either unless he married me.

Hallelujah! a woman with her head screwed on.

Why doesn't he want to marry her? Is 2 years too soon?

She'd be mad if she married him.

Why is it that when MIL helps out she’s potentially being ‘taken advantage of’ but if the GF bailed him out she’d just be ‘stepping up’??

At what point does it become a true partnership? Well it sounds like it already is if she’d love to marry him (at least it is in her eyes) but that’s a different question to whether she should bail him out. There is thread after thread on here of women who have bailed out, loaned money to, taken a loan out for a man who won’t marry them, and when they realise the ‘partnership’ is going nowhere feel that they can’t leave because they will take a financial hit. Marriage brings financial protection and I don’t blame her one bit for not bank rolling him without that.

I actually don’t think that MIL should feel
obliged to do it either, certainly not without a repayment agreement upfront. My ILs have kindly loaned us money in the past, when we moved to a much more expensive part of the country for my DHs work. We didn’t ask for it, they offered, and we drew up a repayment agreement before we had the money that worked for both sides. New businesses are notorious for swallowing up cash and MIL needs to be sure she will see that money again.

I think you are being unnecessarily negative about BIL GF when she’s just being cautious and sensible. I can’t help wondering if you would expect him to bail her out of the shoes were on the opposite feet…..

But you do know, so why pretend you don’t? She’s told you very clearly at what stage, which is when she’s married, how could you not know? And she’s also told you quite clearly that it’s not her choice to step up or not, and that she is happy to, actually she’d love to, but it’s up to him. So why on earth are you interpreting these really clear facts she’s told you herself all upside down with this bizarre ‘I don’t know’ and ‘she doesn’t want to’?? And if unmarried, she has her principles that she won’t support a man. Good for her. She sounds awesome.

I admire the GF’s boundaries! I think 2 years would be a very short time frame to start having joint finances with no marriage on the horizon, especially as she earns so much more. She is joining BIL on the sofa instead of doing things he can’t afford without him. And she is no more of a bank than your MIL. If she starts paying for more than 50/50 now, when will it stop? She sounds very sensible and sounds like their relationship is built on love not convenience 🥰

If he won’t fully commit to her why should she commit financially to him.

He wants wife perks on girlfriend standing.

My kind of gal!

She's fucking ace.