AIBU saying DH should get up earlier even though he works nights?

[SomethingImaginative]

So just had an argument with DH and we’re now sitting in awkward tension so I thought I’d come on here for some opinions and I will reluctantly apologise if I get my arse handed to me here. It might be a bit of an essay because I want to get all the facts out.

DH works in a factory. work hours 2pm-1am Monday-Wednesday 2pm-11.30pm Thursday Home about 20 minutes after finish.

He comes in has something to eat and then watches tv until about 5 or 6 am, then goes to bed gets up about 12.45 gets himself ready and off he goes to work. weekends he says he needs to catch up on sleep and will not get up until about 3pm.

We have 4 children. A teen, a tween, 6year old and a 3 month old. Older 3 have asd 6yr old still in nappies due to global development delay also. I do 100% for the baby as he says he’s not good with babies. He does help out when he’s here with the older ones, I would say 50/50 maybe even more about 65 in his favour now I have the baby to deal with.

I usually work part time due to 6yr olds needs so only 3 days a week but am currently on maternity.

DH is always complaining about being tired he did this today about 5pm when he had got out of bed at 3.30pm. I said how can you be tired you’ve barely been up. He responded he didn’t go to bed until 5am. I said that’s your choice you were home there’s no need to stay up that late and it then somehow turned into a bit of an argument with him saying about body clocks and how you can’t just come home and go straight to bed. You need to unwind for a few hours. I said you should just have a couple of hours then go to bed and you could then get up earlier and have some time before work. He countered with people who work 9-5 don’t go to bed at 7pm and what he does is what night workers do and I don’t know what I’m talking about. I said that’s completely different because the time of day matters etc and it went back and forth until the baby cried so I got up to see to him.

Anyway I think the essay is long enough! So my question is do you tend to agree with his point and that I should leave him to it or do you agree with me that he makes it harder than it needs to be and he should be doing more with his day then just sleeping and work?

What you DH is doing would be absolutely fine if he didn't have 4 kids
Your being left to do everything while he checks out of family life ,he's using his job to not pull his weight

His argument is flawed though - those working 9am-5pm are at work 8 hours, whereas he’s working 10-11 hours a day.

So it’s really like working 9am-8pm, staying up until 1-2am and complaining you have to get up at 8am for work.

He should go to bed earlier - he has three days off (I assume to compensate for his longer working days) - so should sleep as much as he can and enjoy those days off.

I agree that’s not proper nights even! 2 hours max between finishing and bed unless there’s a good reason. I used to finish at 6:30 am and be in bed by 8:30 am- home, calming cup of coffee / tea and bed. Others with children would have brekky with them a do the school run before bed- basically you try and be useful at home with how you manage it!

I used to work nights and latest. Honestly he tells rubbish. It is entirely logical to go home, have a light bite and go to bed within an hour. I used to finish at 2 or 3, travelling took me 30 mins. I would have a shower at home and straight to bed. I had little kids and hanging round was not an option. My mates did exactly the same.

Not helpful really but just to say when I was doing night shifts I was knackered All The Time! I once fell asleep in the library sitting perfectly upright on a hard chair.

😂😂😂 er at dinner time, on his dinner break. That’s what I do when I work similar shifts!

No he got this job after we found out we were expecting baby number 4 as he was self employed before and although we had some good months it was too unreliable with anywhere from a week to 3 months between contracts so I said if we’re doing this we need to know we get x amount each month. This is the job he went for as it apparently had the best progression. I actually didn’t mind it at first me and the kids got into a routine and ticked along nicely. I think because I am more tired now with the baby things that I’d just let wash over me before annoy me more now. I got he was tired so just got on with things when he’s having his lay ins but then once he does get up the constant ‘I’m so shattered’ and if I’d say yea me too he turns it into a competition of why he’s more tired and why he’s had a worse sleep and it just gets under my skin now. I think it’s got glaringly obvious now that this job isn’t working anymore

He's working late, but not doing night shifts. O had these late shifts and still dod school runs etc. Plus he has 3 days off per week.
Is he helpful on those days?

Frankly it just sounds like he could be doing more to help during his downtime. Whether it's night feed, the washing up or prepping ingredients for a slow cooker. None of us go to bed at 8.30 after a normal 9-5 job, but very few of us with 4 children get to sit down as soon as the working day is over and watch TV for hours on end either.

The job is needed, so he either finds another one with less unsociable hours or he sits down with you and figures out how he can share the load better as a partner.

What is your earning power if you went FT after maternity leave? Could he reduce his hours..... might be one to suggest. Usually creates enough terror !

If you haven't worked odd hours like that you've no idea what you are talking about. Your brain doesn't just switch off so that you can sleep as soon as your head hits a pillow

That’s not actually nights though. I work similar shifts some weeks, although finish at 12. I don’t stay up until 4am. I stay up until 1am and get up around 08:30. I agree with you. He can have his downtime in the mornings before his shift. I’m starting a six day rotation now and have my free time in the am. It’s not obligatory to have it after work. Loads of people who work long hours in office jobs with a long commute have much less free time and go to bed early for an early wake up. When you have to work actual nights - I have a rare shift 23-00 - 07:00, now that is a killer and absolutely destroys you.

I worked late shifts on newspapers for several years. Finished full shift at 1am. So I've done this. His pattern is a choice not an inevitable consequence. It can be managed perfectly well. He needs to eat at say 9-11pm depending on preference and aim for a 2am bedtime, latest. That should mean up and about at 9.30am given 7.5 hours is a good amount for most of us. When you work nights, your free time should be before, not after your shift. He just needs to get into the habit of going to bed soon after work. The body clock will adjust to this within a week or so. I know this is possible because when I started nights I was single and used to have a few pints etc to finish and stay up to 4am/5am but that was just tiring and stupid. So I timed food better and got up early, didn't drink after the shift, and was then very happy to go to bed after work nicely tired and enjoy the benefits of the day. Been there, done that. He needs to change not only for the sake of the family dynamics but also for his health.

This! We only have 2 children and don’t get to sit watching TV for hours at a time. He sounds too wrapped in himself and not enough of a team player. Both my husband and l work full time -l do some shifts and more than pull my weight. When l get up after a sleeping after a night shift then lm back into mum mode

Just to reiterate what a lot of people are saying: he is not working nights, he's working late shifts. That makes a huge difference.

His way would work if he had no kids or responsibilities but he can't just completely opt out of family life because he finishes a few hours later than a 9-5 job would, especially since he works 4 days a week, meaning he could catch up on sleep on a Friday if needs be while most of the kids are at school and then he really should be up and about on a weekend at a normal time.

For people sympathising with the husband and saying unless you’ve worked these shifts you’ve no idea…

1. he is not working nights. He is working back shift
2. I have worked these shifts and it’s relatively easy to maintain a normal body clock leaving his weekends totally free to help out and be a father
3. up at 9am, brunch at 11ish, work, dinner at 6pm during work break, home, toast and tea with some tv or a book, bed.

done. Simple. Then he’s off Friday sat and Sunday.
sleeping till 3pm cos he works till 1am on a Thursday is freaking wild. Sorry, but it is.

I worked in hospitality for years, our late shift was 3pm - 11pm (sometimes midnight or a bit later). On a late shift, I would go home, scroll on my phone for an hour then sleep. Often I would be back on shift at 7am.

I never needed to sleep until 3pm on my days off and neither did any of my colleagues.

Yep I’ve worked these shifts for more than a decade. I work in news publishing so have to work evenings for the next day’s publications.

I finish work at 1am and go straight to bed, asleep by 2. I’m up between 6:30 and 7 on school days. On non-work days I go to bed about 10 if I need to catch up on some sleep then. DH will take kids for an extra hour or so in morning on a weekend if I want a bit more sleep if I’ve been working the night before. But otherwise I have the same schedule as every other parent. 1am is just a late night. DH routinely is awake till that time anyway as he’s a night owl and still gets up at 6:30 am every day 🤷‍♀️ This thread is bonkers.

He has kids. He has to figure out how to help with the house and be involved with bringing up the kids to the exact same level any normal worker would (at least) or get a new job.

If he didn't want to have those choices be what he has to pick, he should have been responsible and not had kids.

If he gets up at 9 everyday his body will adjust to not having “an evening” and he’ll get so much more out of life.

I'm partially with your husband here OP. Shift work plays havoc with the body's circadian clock and affects the immune system, mood, etc. Personally I need a minimum of 3 hours after a shift before getting to bed to sleep. But bed at 5am and not getting up until 3:30pm is not on, and even more so with 4 children. Do you ever get 1 on1 time? Time as a unit? Or time for yourself? xx

He's not working night's, he's working evenings... and seems to be only 4 evenings a week.

I think he's taking the absolute piss! OP isn't getting 3 hours of down time a day is she!

I used to work in hospitality and would finish any time from 11 to 3am. You bet I came home and went straight to bed - because I had things I wanted to do during the day and didn't want to be completely out of kilter with a normal routine. The problem is he doesn't want to do things during the day because they'd be harder work than watching 3 hours plus of TV during the night

Also I don't know why everyone's banging on about him not being able to hoover in the middle of the night. There's plenty of other things he could do that would help... batch cooking, tidying up, dishwasher, folding/hanging laundry even if not running it, doing an online food shop.. all the stuff I'm sure OP fits in instead of having 3 spare hours in front of the TV