AIBU saying DH should get up earlier even though he works nights?

[SomethingImaginative]

So just had an argument with DH and we’re now sitting in awkward tension so I thought I’d come on here for some opinions and I will reluctantly apologise if I get my arse handed to me here. It might be a bit of an essay because I want to get all the facts out.

DH works in a factory. work hours 2pm-1am Monday-Wednesday 2pm-11.30pm Thursday Home about 20 minutes after finish.

He comes in has something to eat and then watches tv until about 5 or 6 am, then goes to bed gets up about 12.45 gets himself ready and off he goes to work. weekends he says he needs to catch up on sleep and will not get up until about 3pm.

We have 4 children. A teen, a tween, 6year old and a 3 month old. Older 3 have asd 6yr old still in nappies due to global development delay also. I do 100% for the baby as he says he’s not good with babies. He does help out when he’s here with the older ones, I would say 50/50 maybe even more about 65 in his favour now I have the baby to deal with.

I usually work part time due to 6yr olds needs so only 3 days a week but am currently on maternity.

DH is always complaining about being tired he did this today about 5pm when he had got out of bed at 3.30pm. I said how can you be tired you’ve barely been up. He responded he didn’t go to bed until 5am. I said that’s your choice you were home there’s no need to stay up that late and it then somehow turned into a bit of an argument with him saying about body clocks and how you can’t just come home and go straight to bed. You need to unwind for a few hours. I said you should just have a couple of hours then go to bed and you could then get up earlier and have some time before work. He countered with people who work 9-5 don’t go to bed at 7pm and what he does is what night workers do and I don’t know what I’m talking about. I said that’s completely different because the time of day matters etc and it went back and forth until the baby cried so I got up to see to him.

Anyway I think the essay is long enough! So my question is do you tend to agree with his point and that I should leave him to it or do you agree with me that he makes it harder than it needs to be and he should be doing more with his day then just sleeping and work?

Can only agree.

I work until around 12.30am three evenings a week, get home get ready for bed and am in bed within 30 minutes of getting home. I sleep until 8.30/9am and then get up to participate in family life. I think that's quite normal if you have young children and work these types of hours. It is not as some suggest physically impossible to sleep right after work, although obviously some people find it harder than others.

I would not eat a meal when getting home as you then need time to digest, so if he is able to bring in food to work to have a proper meal on his break and then if needed have a light snack after work that would be better. But ultimately he has to want to make changes to be more involved, which perhaps he doesn't want to.

Im certainly not team husband. When you have kids especially so many you don't have the luxury of lying in bed all day.
I did full time nights when I was a single mum as a senior nurse in a private hospital, I had a nanny/sitter that would sleep over at my house). I had to take DS to school then slept until it was time to pick him up.
In the school holidays I hardly got any sleep at all only napping for a couple of hours.
Your DH does half nights basically. He needs to go to bed as soon as he gets home and sleep until 10am then get up and there is no reason why he can't get up at normal times on his days off.
He doesn't have the luxury of lying in bed all day as a father of 4. He can sleep all day when they leave home. His behaviour is selfish and entitled. I can't imagine you get much sleep with all those kids.

IMO he shouldn’t be eating a meal when he gets back in the early hours, as of course no-one would want to go to bed on a full stomach.

When would you authorise his dinner time for then, considering he works from 2pm - 11:30pm/1am?

It’s utterly outstanding to me just how many people think they have the right to override another persons autonomy of choice, even down to when they eat or wake up.

It's difficult. He is not working so late.

I would finish at 4am. Hop into bed from 5am till 7.30am, get the children ready for school, back in bed 9am till 1pm.

I didn't have the luxury of a natural come down after work. I conk out 5am, because I am tired.

He should be doing something between finishing and bed, who sits on their arse until bedtime after work.

Weekends my latest would be 5am to 1pm.

@Cherry8809 wouldnt his dinner time be when he gets his break? Circa 6/7pm? Just like people who work a day shift have a lunch break?
I used to work 1 till 10.30. Woke between 8 & 9am, brunch or whatever before I went to work, had a hot meal during my 45min/1hr dinner break, home for 11, bed between midnight and 1. Then I was totally normal at a weekend and didn’t sleep the days away? It’s not impossible to maintain a relatively normal routine on a back shift. Many of my friends husbands also do it.
i think when you have so many children, some with additional support needs you need to step up. OP is getting like virtually no unwind time while he sits and watches tv for 3-4 hours himself?

My partner worked nights for years. That's the reality of night work. If you complain and find him unreasonable you'll be headed for a failed marriage eventually i would think. Only way to resolve it is for him to get a day job mirroring your hours. Going on about his hours won't work.

Once again for the people at the back. He is not working night shift. He is working 2pm-1am. He is just working a late shift. He can eat his dinner at dinner time. I finish work at 1am. I don’t then prepare dinner and watch five hours of TV, I go to bed! Because I have to be up at 6:30/7 to get kids ready for school/nursery/look after them on non-nursery days and school holidays. Would I rather stay in bed or watch TV for hours? Sure but I can’t because I am a parent. That’s the reality of life with young kids. You don’t get 10 hours of sleep a night and get to binge watch TV. He has four young kids, being knackered is what he signed up for.

My husband is a night owl and routinely comes to bed past 1am, but is up with the kids at 7am every day too.

Well.people react differently and you can't blame him if that's the way his body works. You can't just switch your brain off. So all your moralising doesnt wash. He needs a day job or ten years from now there won't be a marriage

He’s not working nights he just starts and finishes late . I’m pretty sure that between 2pm and 1am he will be getting a break which is when he should be eating then at 1:30 when he gets home it should be a quick snack , shower and bed by 2:30 so that he can be up by mid morning at the latest . I worked pt nights for 30 yrs and you really can’t just use it as an excuse to opt out of life on the affected days by staying in bed and in this case he’s not even working nights .

Bollocks. Perhaps it’s not the way my body wants to work either, but I have kids so I have to suck it up. What about all the mums up in the night with kids then looking after them all day or going off to work? ‘Sorry I can’t, my body doesn’t work that way.’ No, they just get on with it because they have to.

He’s getting 8+ hours of sleep while watching five hours of TV and doing almost zero parenting. If you think that’s a good parent doing their best, then I feel sorry for whatever life you’re living. Raise your standards. Why do we expect so much of mothers yet so little of dads? On a forum for women too. Exasperating. He’s found a way to opt out of family life, simple as that.

Yeah and there are loads of divorces. I wonder why. People.need to think smart around their living conditions. All this " it's parenting and you have to just get on with it " is dumb. Half the problems could be solved by better thinking around issues.. This man clearly needs a day job.

That thinking working until 1am is a night shift is ridiculous and secondly working until 1130pm is definitely no reason to be up until 5am

As another poster has said, in hospitality you regularly work until 12/1am then go to bed ready to do lunch shift next day.

I used to work in residential care. Our shift wouldn't end until 1130pm, then you'd sleep jn and be up 730am to get the children up for school! OK, so we would finish 12 midday but next day we'd be back in for 12 hour shift again.

Oh and if there was an incident, which was common, we'd be up reporting writing until the early hours and still getting up 730am!

Agree.
A 1am finish is not working nights.
When I worked nights until 7am I ate at work (as did everyone else).
Then home. Cup of tea. Bed until around 1ish, sometimes later.
That said everyone’s body clock is different.

This! If he was working 9-5 he would come home and be involved in family life until bed (ish). As family are already in bed when he gets home being productive would help you and the kids for the next day.

He can come home to clean the kitchen if he wants to treat it like a 9 to 5, prep the lunches and breakfast before enjoying TV time.

This.

And if he is choosing to stay up til 5am, why are YOU then getting up in the night with the kids? He’s up - he can deal with it.

Can he eat dinner at work? If he can come home and eat a snack rather than a meal it'll be easier for him to go to bed earlier.

He does need some downtime between getting in and going to bed but it could be a bit less. He'd probably also be better off seeing a bit more daylight by say sleeping from 3am - 10am or so.

He doesn't work nights. He works Afternoons/Evenings. If he went to bed when he got in from work, he'd be using his time vastly better in the mornings.

I go to bed at 1am/2am and am usually up by 9 or 10am ready to start the day. Sometimes earlier. I get a huge amount done before getting ready for work.

I think he's being unfair to you in terms of your workload. If he needs to unwind when he gets in he could easily be doing laundry or cleaning the kitchen or even just having an hour or two in front of the TV and still being getting up at a decent time!

I’ve said you’re not being unreasonable because I’m assuming your husband was in agreement with you having 4 children? So that means you expect to give up all of your non-working time caring for them. If he chooses shift work, he needs to accept it means straight to bed when he gets home so he can get up and help during the day and at weekends. If he can’t cope with that he needs to look for another job.
However, I’m assuming that you knew your older children had neuro divergences before getting pregnant - especially with the 4th one -and as you’re still on maternity leave I’m guessing your husband has not been contributing all this time. So you’re expecting him to change. So that is being unreasonable.
I think you need to sit down and have a chat saying now you have a 4th child you need more support and what can you agree together to address this?
As a carer for a ND 5 year old I can’t imagine coping with 4 children, 3 of which are ND!

This ⬆️ 💯
You’ve both committed to 4 children (crazy imo) so he needs to step up.

This isn't shift work and what he works isn't a night shift. My husband worked shifts 6 -2, 2-10, 10 -6 7 days per week on that pattern and then two days off and the pattern started again. This pattern really messes with your body clock because meal times are changed each day. Working until 1am is late night working and if your husband managed it correctly, he wouldn't be so tired. He spends too much time in bed during the day and is up all night watching tv. No wonder he's tired. It's not his job, its his lifestyle that's causing his tiredness.

There has to be some compromise from your husband's side, if things have to be sustainable long term. Him staying awake till 5.30am might be unnecessarily lengthy. Does he get a break at work- where he can have dinner? Then when he comes home, he could chill out for about an hour and go to sleep. This way he is well rested to help out in the mornings. He can take a nap before work too, if needed. He will need to trial different sleep/wake combinations to see what is most suitable. Though as some have pointed out, having so many children when these basic parenting issues aren't sorted is weird.

Nope you are not unreasonable. My husband works 6am to 6am goes to bed at 6.45 when he gets in then is up 12/1pm doing stuff. When we had an infant pre school
years he would sometimes have 2 hours till the baby woke (rarely less than 1h he was a great sleeper.) and looked after him all day napping when he did. Your DH is being lazy and using his hours as an excuse to not do any child care. Weekends he has no excuse surely.

I work in hospitality I also often come home at 1am, guess what? I'm back in work for 10am. He's taking the piss