AIBU saying DH should get up earlier even though he works nights?

[SomethingImaginative]

So just had an argument with DH and we’re now sitting in awkward tension so I thought I’d come on here for some opinions and I will reluctantly apologise if I get my arse handed to me here. It might be a bit of an essay because I want to get all the facts out.

DH works in a factory. work hours 2pm-1am Monday-Wednesday 2pm-11.30pm Thursday Home about 20 minutes after finish.

He comes in has something to eat and then watches tv until about 5 or 6 am, then goes to bed gets up about 12.45 gets himself ready and off he goes to work. weekends he says he needs to catch up on sleep and will not get up until about 3pm.

We have 4 children. A teen, a tween, 6year old and a 3 month old. Older 3 have asd 6yr old still in nappies due to global development delay also. I do 100% for the baby as he says he’s not good with babies. He does help out when he’s here with the older ones, I would say 50/50 maybe even more about 65 in his favour now I have the baby to deal with.

I usually work part time due to 6yr olds needs so only 3 days a week but am currently on maternity.

DH is always complaining about being tired he did this today about 5pm when he had got out of bed at 3.30pm. I said how can you be tired you’ve barely been up. He responded he didn’t go to bed until 5am. I said that’s your choice you were home there’s no need to stay up that late and it then somehow turned into a bit of an argument with him saying about body clocks and how you can’t just come home and go straight to bed. You need to unwind for a few hours. I said you should just have a couple of hours then go to bed and you could then get up earlier and have some time before work. He countered with people who work 9-5 don’t go to bed at 7pm and what he does is what night workers do and I don’t know what I’m talking about. I said that’s completely different because the time of day matters etc and it went back and forth until the baby cried so I got up to see to him.

Anyway I think the essay is long enough! So my question is do you tend to agree with his point and that I should leave him to it or do you agree with me that he makes it harder than it needs to be and he should be doing more with his day then just sleeping and work?

I agree that he could try to get into better sleeping habits, particularly on evenings he finishes at 11:30pm, which isn't that late - it's crazy to stay up watching tv until 6am. But people do what they want to do at the end of the day. Since you say he does help out with the kids when he's home, I'd just chalk this up to one of the things one should just not pick at in marriage. He's not going to change, so the situation isn't going to change, and he's not going to stop whining about how tired he is. You could take the bait, like you did today, and it will turn into a regular argument, or you could just let the comment wash over you and carry on with your day.

Night shifts are incredibly tough on the body even if job is not physically or mentally demanding.I did nights for a year or two when I was around 30,single and didn’t have children and it was awful.I did it again when I was early 40’s with 2 kids and I was constantly tired,irritable,looked awful and was drained.I don’t know how people do it all the time,can your DH change to days?

Not if they have kids, they don't!

I wasn’t sure about this until “he says he’s not good with babies”. WTAF? Why has he fathered four children if he’s “not good with babies”? Does he think this is the 19th century and the womenfolk will take care of all that women’s work? Yes working shifts can be hard but it sounds like he’s using it as an excuse not to have to do his share of childcare.

Working nights is not a natural thing for humans to do, and badly disrupts our internal body clock. In short, it’s bad for your health. So it’s certainly not as simple as him going to bed as soon as he comes back.

Having said that, it would be really good if he can take the lead at the times of day he is at home and alert, for obvious reasons.

Night shifts are like having jet lag at times. You need time to wind down, not go straight to bed, as if you finish at 5pm you wouldn't do this.

It really does bugger your whole system amd sleep pattern.

However it seems your DH is working late shift, not night, so if goes to bed at 5am then gets up at 2pm he still has quite a few hours free to help. Xx

His downtime isn't bed/dinner time for the family though is it? If he were 9-5 then he would still be cooking, washing up and supporting getting the kids to bed and the home ready for the next day. He isn't contributing at all and seems reluctant to change that.

He can still clean up, put washing on and out to dry. He can still meal prep, just as anyone else would with 4 kids.

I don't understand why he wouldn't want to support a family he created but instead he's using sleep as a reason to opt out.

As someone who was married to a shift worker for years, yes, you are being unreasonable. I’ve also done nights and not only does it take years off you, sleep during the day is not as good quality as night time. Leave him alone.

A bit of downtime after work is needed but not 5 hours! He’s being very unreasonable and seems to have checked out of family life. Why on earth did you have a fourth child? Especially with 3 higher needs children already?

He. Isn’t. Working. Nights.

As a parent of 3 ND children and the youngest being 9 and high needs, I am staggered at how people see this as 2 separate issues. Yes, having 5hrs to wind down after working a normal afternoon/evening shift isn’t abnormal. What is, is doing that when you have 4 children and at least 3 being ND and a baby and leaving you to work around his sleep schedule. I think it’s utterly selfish. My husband often does a 1:30pm-1:30am shift finishing in the early hours. He comes home (already eaten at work around 11pm) has maybe 1-2 hrs (sometimes none) to wind down then goes to sleep. He gets up to get the kids ready for school etc and then may go back to bed for a nap or stay awake. Even on a regular late shift he’ll come in at 22:00 and go to bed by midnight. Because, we have responsibilities as parents to one another, not just our children.

You decided to have these children together and his very generous sleep routine is not more important than everything else. The Thursday one is insane! I couldn’t accept that if it were me. I question how much actual time he is taking responsibility for his own children even despite you saying 50-65% of time with them when he is awake and around. Because when you weigh that up with how many waking hours there are in a week, who’s doing more of the childcare and household duties. He’s getting to wind down, undisturbed with the responsibilities. It’s a cop out and it’s not good enough. It’s no wonder you’re feeling resentful and annoyed by it is it.

I agree with the above poster - @ecossegirl91 He is not working nights. Nights would be 10pm to 6am, (or 7am, or 8am,) or midnight to 6am (or 7am or 8am.)

2pm to 1am, and 2pm to 11.30pm is NOT 'nights.' It's 'afternoons.' (Some call it the 'late shift.') It's not 'nights.'

Coming in at midnight to 1am, and staying up to 5am - and then sleeping in til 3pm is batshit though. My DH does nights, (10pm til 7am, 3 nights a week) and goes to bed at 8.am to 8.30 am, and he is up by 2.30pm to 3pm! (And he actually DOES work nights!)

So YANBU @SomethingImaginative

Say it louder for the people at the back! FFS! So many of the respondents here haven’t properly read the OP. If he was working 6pm to 6am I’d be all for him sleeping through the day, but he’s not!!

He's not doing night shifts, as a PP said, he's working evenings. There's a difference. 1130 or even 1:30 is still the sort of time you'd go to bed normally. I'd maybe accept sleeping in till 9, but with 4 DC he's going to have to compromise.
I used to work in hospitality and would normally finish about 12:30. I'd come home, chill for an hour or so and then go to bed and sleep - I had to as I would either have a day job or uni the next morning. Your DH is choosing to stay up, leaving you to handle everything. With a 3 month old baby, no one gets not only 8 hours to sleep but another 4 hours to play video games. That's really not fair on you. When's your time off, OP?

He should be in bed by 4am I'd say.

but. Surely this was his shift when you decided to have a 4th child?

He should be in bed by 4am I'd say.

but. Surely this was his shift when you decided to have a 4th child?

He doesn't work nights OP, he stays up all night. His latest finish has him home by 1.30am.

As I read this I thought 'I bet they have children'. Then you said you have three with ASD and a baby. Ah, yes there it is.

He's opting out of family time. No one needs to lay in bed till 3pm at the weekend. He's home by midnight on Thursday and still this tired on Sunday? Really?

Sounds like he needs a 9-5 job instead. Then he can be home every evening and weekend for parenting and a normal routine. Suggest this next time he hides in bed all weekend.

His body clock argument is bullshit. If he's tired and out of sync with family life, that's because he's creating that convenient situation.

He doesn't work night shifts. He stays up the whole night after a late shift. That's his creation.

I dont see that working 2 till 1 and 2 till 11.30 is "nightshift". Long hours, yes, but then has a 3 day weekend. What he's doing amounts to 3 late nights, is all. Is he depressed/unhappy or just lazy?

If he worked 9-5 (does anyone only work 9-5 these days?) he'd be home and awake at the same time as the rest of the family.

In which case he'd be available to parent his children, share household chores etc

It is unfair that he's not doing any of that, and it's all left to you, so I'd expect him to make more of an effort when possible to share the load.

He’s lazy and choosing to opt out of supporting you with the slog of family life

Another Team Hubby (sort of…) BUT the reason he was tired could be because he had too much sleep. Bed at 5am and up at 330pm is 10.5hrs sleep!

shift work is hard but at least he has the advantage of regular shifts. He should set a routine with the same waking time on days and 1245 is plenty of sleep. He’s getting nearly 8 hours which I think is the average. Weekends and Monday he should try to be up by 10-1030am

There’s no ‘catch up’ sleep needed on days off. It seems more to do with tiredness than needing to catch up. Does he have blackout blinds? Can he use a sleep mask? Is he being woken by the rest of the family’s morning routines?

My partner is a lorry driver and used to work night trunks leaving home at 2pm and getting home about 8am depending on traffic etc. - it absolutely ruined our relationship as when he was home he was mainly asleep, the weekends were for catching up with lost sleep and i was left "holding the baby" (aswell as working (days)) so a lot of resentment from me - he had no life and I had no life because he was always asleep. I'm afraid I gave him an ultimatum and said its me or the night work (he now drives days). So I can absolutely see your POV but I can also see your DHs - nights are awful.

You need a compromise. It reasonable he can’t fall straight to sleep. So say he sleeps 5-12 then you get an hour of downtime before he gets ready for work.
on his three days off he sleeps in until 12 which is roughly when he usually gets up (it must be hard to adjust sleep pattern for three days.) But you get a couple hours off on at least 2 days when he’s up. But so does he.

I stopped reading at 'he said he's not got with babies' but you have 4 together.

Why.

Why.

No, YANBU. But, you are now pretty stuck.