AIBU saying DH should get up earlier even though he works nights?

[SomethingImaginative]

So just had an argument with DH and we’re now sitting in awkward tension so I thought I’d come on here for some opinions and I will reluctantly apologise if I get my arse handed to me here. It might be a bit of an essay because I want to get all the facts out.

DH works in a factory. work hours 2pm-1am Monday-Wednesday 2pm-11.30pm Thursday Home about 20 minutes after finish.

He comes in has something to eat and then watches tv until about 5 or 6 am, then goes to bed gets up about 12.45 gets himself ready and off he goes to work. weekends he says he needs to catch up on sleep and will not get up until about 3pm.

We have 4 children. A teen, a tween, 6year old and a 3 month old. Older 3 have asd 6yr old still in nappies due to global development delay also. I do 100% for the baby as he says he’s not good with babies. He does help out when he’s here with the older ones, I would say 50/50 maybe even more about 65 in his favour now I have the baby to deal with.

I usually work part time due to 6yr olds needs so only 3 days a week but am currently on maternity.

DH is always complaining about being tired he did this today about 5pm when he had got out of bed at 3.30pm. I said how can you be tired you’ve barely been up. He responded he didn’t go to bed until 5am. I said that’s your choice you were home there’s no need to stay up that late and it then somehow turned into a bit of an argument with him saying about body clocks and how you can’t just come home and go straight to bed. You need to unwind for a few hours. I said you should just have a couple of hours then go to bed and you could then get up earlier and have some time before work. He countered with people who work 9-5 don’t go to bed at 7pm and what he does is what night workers do and I don’t know what I’m talking about. I said that’s completely different because the time of day matters etc and it went back and forth until the baby cried so I got up to see to him.

Anyway I think the essay is long enough! So my question is do you tend to agree with his point and that I should leave him to it or do you agree with me that he makes it harder than it needs to be and he should be doing more with his day then just sleeping and work?

100% this.

Is this night shift? I thought night shift was actually working through the night. This sounds like long hours but just late rather than nights.
I know people who do shifts one does 8-10.30 a few times a week every week, ok so it’s not 1am but it’s still long hours and quite late they go to sleep when they get in and wake up at a normal time even on their days off.

However I don’t think your husband will want to change his routine to wake up earlier because he would have to look after the baby or do stuff in the house. I’m not saying he’s not tired because I’m sure he is, but this suits him he gets some time after work where he’s alone, sleeps through family time then goes to work again.

I wouldnt really even call that night shifts tbh, we do them in the early years of Dr training 2pm-2am and they're twillight shifts. I'd grab a slice of toast and straight to bed. My proper night shifts 8pm-830am same thing home toast/scrambled egg/fruit and into bed. I can only really sleep 2h total on proper night shifts so up by 1130 doing cooking/cleaning/shopping as see it as catchup time on life chores that I struggle with on 10-13h day shifts.

Theres no need to be awake that long before going to be and seems an excuse to get out of childcare and responsibilities imho

I agree that he's not working nights. Its a late shift.

I used to work in hospitality and would often be home 12-1 due to late closing or getting food and a drink with colleagues after the shift. I would come home, shower, relax for an hour and then get into bed because I needed to be back at restaurant for the lunch shift the next day. No need to stay up all night just because you work later

I agree with happygolucky he is totally taking the piss! YANBU. I would be furious too he doesn’t need hours to unwind and watch TV

I do agree that you can’t just switch off. I work nights twice a week. Midnight until 7am. Get home for 8. Some days I can’t get to sleep until 11/12.

However I still think he is unreasonable. You have a new baby and 4 children. He needs to parent still.

Also he isn’t good with babies?!?!? What an absolute dick. Weaponised incompetence. He is lazy.

I said that’s your choice you were home there’s no need to stay up that late and it then somehow turned into a bit of an argument with him saying about body clocks and how you can’t just come home and go straight to bed. You need to unwind for a few hours. I said you should just have a couple of hours then go to bed and you could then get up earlier and have some time before work. He countered with people who work 9-5 don’t go to bed at 7pm and what he does is what night workers do and I don’t know what I’m talking about.

I have a lot of different jobs Some day jobs (not 9-5, more like 9-6 with lunch break), some night-shifts, some double-shifts, some where I was on location and slept twice for a few hours each during a 24 hours period. So I speak from personal experience.

Your husband is partially right. Yes, you do need some time to unwind, but that doesn't have to be four or five hours. What sort of "TV" is he even watching during those times. I bet it's porn, because there is not typically a lot of quality TV on during that time, unless he is streaming.

Most of my jobs have been day jobs where I would typically get home at around 7 and go to bed between 9 and 10. With some night jobs I would be so tired I would immediately collapse on the bed and sleep till my alarm went off.

Yes, there is a biological clock, but his is not natural and he has created a habit for himself to go to bed so late. He could be going to bed at 3 or 4 and be up by 11 or noon, but he refuses to do that. The result is that he has saddled you will all the responsibilities of keeping the household going.

Team husband.

I voted yabu. Dh does rolling shift work of 12 hour days and 12 hour nights. He gets four days off in between. He has always been more of a night person but the night shifts really knock him about, it takes a long time to get back into 'day mode'. It also definitely gets harder the older you are.

Your dh is also doing crappy shifts, even if they are not full nights. I imagine he is tired all the time. I think the best solution would be for him to find a new job, those hours don't seem to be working for any of you and I think that is the problem.

I don't think this is an easy situation for either of you. I don't have any actual advice and perhaps my overall opinion is more balanced that what I'm about to say, but I couldn't not post because I'm infuriated on your behalf about the replies of other posters...

Firstly, since when is an 11.30pm finish a night shift?! It's not.

Secondly, apologies if I've read this wrong (I feel like I must have) but are you saying that he finished work at 11.30pm on Thursday night and still thought it was OK to stay up until 5pm Saturday and sleep the whole day? Even if he slept in on Friday, how can people possibly think this is OK? I feel like I must have read the post wrong.

Could be wrong but these don’t seem like night shifts? Aren’t these back shifts?
i used to work 1pm to 10.30pm so not dissimilar to 2pm-11.30 shift…. I got up at a normal time say 9am, had a decent meal around 11am, went to work, had a dinner break around 6pm where I’d have a hot meal, home for 11ish then went to bed around midnight, then up at 9. Then my weekends were just normal.
understand he does have 1 shift where he works till 1am but can’t he just shift his body clock? Maybe I’m being naive.

YANBU. I’ve worked lates in the past and didn’t need that long to unwind. Getting up at 3pm on the weekend is ridiculous. He’s opting out of family life. I read this out to my DH as he has worked all sorts of hours and he agreed with me.

Mon- Wed arrive home 1.30, bed at 5am he gets approx 7hrs45min in bed, so 7hrs sleep getting up at 12.45.
Thurs arrive home midnight, bed at 3.30am , get up at 11.30.

He should get no more that 9hrs in bed on his days off and should do housework and parenting on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

The laying in bed for hours at the weekend is him checking out if family life and unacceptable.

Your lives sound so hard. His ‘self employment’ before sounds like a joke. This job is as antisocial as it could be. He needs a better job. I can’t imagine what career progression there is in a factory.

MN is the wrong demographic to be asking as the majority only work Monday to Friday 9 til 5pm and few will have experience of shift work let alone night shifts...

DH used to do two day shifts followed by 2 night shifts (12 hrs shifts) 7 til 7. 4 on 4 off. It wasn't compatible with family life as it was with 3 DC, so he switched to a clerical role by the time 4th DC came along. He needed time to unwind before falling asleep when he got in at 7.45am but would help with the school run first then go to sleep and needed to sleep til 4.30pm (had dinner together) then got ready for the second night shift leaving for work at 6pm. He did help where he could. In the newborn stages with DC1 DC2 and DC3 he would stay up throughout the night with them to give me a break each time if they were unsettled or pass them to me for a breastfeed. He was exhausted even when on rest days.

Night shift work is detrimental to a person's health long term. Don't underestimate how tired he feels OP.

Yes as others have said this is not night shift. This is a late/back shift. I have worked them on and off my entire life and have never stayed in bed till 5pm or even 3pm or whatever he is doing, much less with young children. It’s simply not feasible. He needs to get to bed within an hour or so and get up at a decent time. His body clock issues are now of his own making - he’s unable to sleep when he finishes work because he’s slept in till late afternoon the day before. A few days of forced get-ups at a reasonable time will adjust back the way. But he won’t want to do that as he gets to sit for hours doing his own thing and then avoid parenting for the whole day.

I work till 1am on work days, go pretty much straight to bed and then get up between 6 and 7 as usual because I have responsibilities. Same with the other women I work with who have young families; they aren’t staying up till 5am watching TV and then sleeping the whole day!

Yes it's not a "proper" night shift but he has his sleep disordered because of the shift pattern he has to work. It's still an issue for her DH getting a decent sleep and needing time to unwind.

But women routinely have disrupted sleep and have no time for themselves during the day with young children. He has four young kids, he doesn’t have the luxury of long lies, 8+ hours of sleep and five hours of watching Netflix every day. I’m guessing OP doesn’t get any of that either.

I have never heard of a mum taking the piss with watching TV to all hours, then sleeping till later afternoon just because she was up till 1am. It’s always the dads . Funny that.

At the weekend, I expect him to be up and about participating in family life by 0900 at the latest.

Ok, Hitler. Isn’t it supposed to be a home, complete with autonomy, not a concentration camp?

Who are you to dictate and police when another adult wakes up 😂

If I’m reading the OP correctly he does the same shift 4 nights of the week, one of them with an earlier finish, same start time every day. If he slept 3am - 10am every day of the week he’d be getting 7 undisturbed hours a night and being far more present for his family!

A friend of mine was a bar manager when his 3 kids were small. 3pm-2am 5 days a week. Granted he lived on site so travel time was nil but he did the school drop off every single day, and then had a cat nap after lunch before he started work. Needs must when you have a family!

But he’s turning it in to night shift by staying up so late. If he just kept his body clock on “normal” he would be tired when he got home and could go to sleep?
doesn’t sound like op is getting hours to “unwind” hence the reason for her post?

Neither of you is wrong, someone just suggested he keep his body clock on normal, and clearly have no idea, when you have to deal with these shifts repeatedly and your body clock is all over the place, it’s impossible for many. He does need to wind down. And of course it’s difficult for you with 4 kids. The issue here is not either of you are wrong, the issue here is the job he does is not compatible with family life with 4 kids, so he needs to look for another job, which isn’t easy I get. Yes it’s not easy for you, but it’s not easy for him either, and it’s not a completion, the job is the problem, not your husband

3 hours downtime before bed is insane in this context. Most parents, especially those of 4 kids, wouldn’t expect to get 3 hours to themselves after getting home from work. He needs to sleep at night time and be up and useful in the daytime. His shifts don’t exactly finish that late either. I used to work in a bar. I finished at 3am and went straight to bed when I get home at 3:20am. It would have been madness to stay up until 6:20am before going to bed. I also wouldn’t have wanted to miss that much of the following day.

IMO he shouldn’t be eating a meal when he gets back in the early hours, as of course no-one would want to go to bed on a full stomach.

He’s not working a night shift but has got into a routine where his days and nights are skewed. My guess is he wants to avoid family life, I mean you have a lot of kids, just why?

He needs to go to bed earlier than he is and get up earlier so he can interact with his family or he may as well be single and move out. I mean you can’t be seeing him that much!

He’s just plain selfish.

Unfortunately when you have kids you don't get to just follow the path of least resistance. My most productive hours to work have always been 10pm-4am then sleep 5am - middayish. Kids knocked that on the head. Your husband needs to compromise and have an hour or so after work and get up earlier, he has 4 kids!! If he can't cope with the "unfairness" 🙄 of that, he needs to get a job with normal hours.