AIBU saying DH should get up earlier even though he works nights?

[SomethingImaginative]

So just had an argument with DH and we’re now sitting in awkward tension so I thought I’d come on here for some opinions and I will reluctantly apologise if I get my arse handed to me here. It might be a bit of an essay because I want to get all the facts out.

DH works in a factory. work hours 2pm-1am Monday-Wednesday 2pm-11.30pm Thursday Home about 20 minutes after finish.

He comes in has something to eat and then watches tv until about 5 or 6 am, then goes to bed gets up about 12.45 gets himself ready and off he goes to work. weekends he says he needs to catch up on sleep and will not get up until about 3pm.

We have 4 children. A teen, a tween, 6year old and a 3 month old. Older 3 have asd 6yr old still in nappies due to global development delay also. I do 100% for the baby as he says he’s not good with babies. He does help out when he’s here with the older ones, I would say 50/50 maybe even more about 65 in his favour now I have the baby to deal with.

I usually work part time due to 6yr olds needs so only 3 days a week but am currently on maternity.

DH is always complaining about being tired he did this today about 5pm when he had got out of bed at 3.30pm. I said how can you be tired you’ve barely been up. He responded he didn’t go to bed until 5am. I said that’s your choice you were home there’s no need to stay up that late and it then somehow turned into a bit of an argument with him saying about body clocks and how you can’t just come home and go straight to bed. You need to unwind for a few hours. I said you should just have a couple of hours then go to bed and you could then get up earlier and have some time before work. He countered with people who work 9-5 don’t go to bed at 7pm and what he does is what night workers do and I don’t know what I’m talking about. I said that’s completely different because the time of day matters etc and it went back and forth until the baby cried so I got up to see to him.

Anyway I think the essay is long enough! So my question is do you tend to agree with his point and that I should leave him to it or do you agree with me that he makes it harder than it needs to be and he should be doing more with his day then just sleeping and work?

if I worked that shift, I’d come home, probs get a snack and wind down. Aim to be in bed at 2:30, then awake at 10:30. Full 8 hours sleep and still have a few hours with the family before headed to work again.

I get he is knackered though- that would kill me off!!!

It sounds like putting the 6 year old to bed at 8pm so she wakes at 3am would be ideal - he can spend time with her as it's his awake time! After all, it's just an unfortunate coincidence that his awake time happens to offer no chance of him doing childcare, isn't it?

I appreciate all the replies and I understand if I’m tired I can’t really say that he’s not. In the days before kids we did both like a lay in lol

I think everything’s been amplified with the summer holidays as although not perfect we were ticking along ok as I’d have the mornings just me and the baby so could have a cheeky nap and had time to do a tidy round without a child behind me undoing everything I’ve done lol

I do think this job isn’t ideal though and I do think he agrees so will try and have a proper discussion about it rather than us bickering who’s the most tired.

Without taking sides, it's probably in all your best interests if he finds a day job sooner rather than later. Working nightshifts long term has been proven to be hazardous to long term health, and night shift workers are more likely to get divorced! (He might want to read Life Time by Russell Foster during his downtime in the early hours).

When an ex partner (we lived together) did 12 hr night shifts (6pm - 6am) he'd go to bed about 30mins after he got home so around 7am then have 7 - 8hrs sleep & get up between 2 - 3pm.

He did try staying awake for a couple of hours then going to bed later but found himself staying up later & later & ended up not getting enough sleep then feeling really groggy on days off.

He said he'd rather have the time before work to do things than rather wait till he got home & also felt fine on days off - basically because he made sure that he got a decent amount of sleep whilst working.

He was also able to fall asleep quite quickly & stay asleep but I know many people find that hard especially shift workers.

@SomethingImaginative I'm on your side totally understand you having a go
My dh works shifts Mon to Fri those days he does absolutely nothing
I work full time but have to do school runs dinner etc
On a Saturday he does the grocery shopping and that is only thing he does

Just want to add on aswell I know I’m coming across a bit woe is me with all my challenging children I keep popping out but we actually have a pretty happy life 90% of the time.
yes my youngest dd is high needs but she wakes up everyday with the biggest smile on her face and I can’t help but smile back even when I’m tired. Sometimes yes there’s crisps on the floor that the dogs munching on (yes we’ve also got a crazy dog in the mix!) but I’ve got my babies around me laughing while we sing out of tune YouTube quiz answers and my youngest dd is happily lining up the contents of my cupboards. Do I wish I had a tidier house more hours in bed and a DH that answered my every whim? Yes but then I’d probably still be moaning about something because no ones life is 100% perfect. I was pretty annoyed when I posted but I’ve had a bit of chocolate now so everything’s looking up.

thank you for everyone’s responses good and bad I’ve taken everyone’s perspective and it’s given me some ideas to go forward with and I do appreciate people taking time to answer 😊

I worked these shifts and went to bed and got up in the morning to see to my children, because I’m a parent. I’ve also worked nights, the shifts he’s doing are twilights and he should be able to function the next day 🙄

Working until 1am is not working nights. I finish work at 7am, in bed by 8:30am and will get up around 4pm.

All he’s doing is just having late nights, no different to when you’ve stayed up late to watch a film!

You don’t just get to check out from family life because you work late though. He will be tired but then so is the OP from picking up the slack because he chooses to stay up ridiculously late

It’s not really nights though is it? It’s more like ‘lates’

I worked in hospitality for a long time and had to take my turn on nights so have some insight. He could come home at 1:30am, go to bed at 2am and then get up about 10am, he’d probably feel better being on a more ‘normal’ schedule too.

i wonder if it’s to do with the peace at night and being able to opt out of family life/children drudgery in the day?

THIS!

She says he does more when he's there but it sounds like he's at work for most of their bedtimes and asleep when they get up in the mornings!

I used to have a job where I didn't get home till 3am, and I would go straight to bed when I got in. I definitely wouldn't have sat up for for or five hours! He gets to get to bed so he can get up at a reasonable time. He has a family, he is currently avoiding you all and that's not ok

Do you get time to wind down after looking after your children and baby? I suspect not and if you do, I’m sure it’s not hours like he takes.

I'm purely on your side because who decides they aren't good with babies but agrees to have another one and then refuses to parent them because they aren't good with babies?

When he's home, he can't be opting out of baby care because he doesn't like it. He also needs to go to bed when he comes in, again, he's a parent and not many parents get to chill out for hours after work so why should he?

He has a valid point. I worked a job that had shift hours and it really felt that those two years I wasn’t present in my life. It completely wrecked me.
But what a bad idea to have so many kids knowing the issues with the older ones, knowing this is his job hours and then complaining about it.

Your DH is taking the piss a bit. He doesn’t work nightshift. He finishes at 1am. Lots of people work late and still have to function the next day, especially parents! A bit of wind down is reasonable, but he should be in bed by 3am latest, sleep til 10 ish and then he’s got a couple of hours to spend with his family before work again. If he got up earlier he’d be tired earlier. And he’s being ridiculous on a weekend!

I actually think he’s pretty unreasonable. He doesn’t work nights, he works back shifts.
He could try maybe going to sleep at say 4 and then her still gets a few hours downtime (more than a lot of parents), then he could try being up an hour earlier which imagine would be helpful.
He can fully participate in life at the weekend, most parents are knackered and still do. He’s 100% unreasonable for having a baby and not having anything to do with the baby because he doesn’t think he’s good with babies. What nonsense, he should be okay with babies by child number four even if it’s not his favourite stage.

Sorry but he’s opting out, I work actual nights and often just had to get on with it despite being shattered. Obviously rest unimportant but he’s prioritising himself hugely here. Where’s your downtime?

You’re right. What’s he playing at staying up that late when he gets in? When he finishes at 1am he is could eat, shower and be in bed by 2am and then wake up at 10am ish. Almost a normal night… he’s making a rod for his own back and making his semi- night shifts into full on overnight shifts…

Acting as a servant/ room service to tweens who are capable of getting themselves what they want in terms of drinks and snacks isn't childcare or good parenting, it's taking the easy way out to stay on offsprings ' good side - it's pretty poor parenting tbh. So no "amazing dad" points at all for doing unnecessary room service instead of encouraging competence.

For those saying he’s not working nights, he should go straight to bed, he’s a cheeky sod, the shifts he’s working are notoriously bad on the body. They screw up with your circadian rhythms and it’s almost impossible to get a decent sleep pattern. The impact physically on a person can’t be ignored.
https://www.uclahealth.org/news/article/5-long-term-health-effects-shift-work
The solution? Find a day job.

Just want to repeat again that he got this job when we were expecting baby number 4 so he’s had this job less than a year. All other previous jobs were the usual daytime hours so all the problems that have come with it are very recent, and I obviously posted it when we’d had a bit of an argument and was in a bad mood so had a bit of a vent about everything that’s been annoying me as you do and focusing on the bad days but there’s plenty of good days mixed in with it and I’m very happy with my 4th baby.

in regards to DH and the baby though I’m not sure why he’s so hands off with him he was actually very helpful with the others even had them overnight in a different room every couple of weeks when they were newborns so I could have a good undisturbed sleep. I think it’s a mix that he was 3 weeks early so only weighed 5lbs and was tiny when all the others were pretty solid and he thinks he’s too heavy handed and ds is a lot harder to settle than the others were. I obviously spend the majority of the time with him so have learnt his little cues and can get him settled fairly quickly (hope I haven’t jinxed myself for the night) so think DH has stepped back a bit and has just said he’ll pick up the slack with the others until ds is out of the newborn stage.

from the replies and trying to see from his perspective he’s probably more tired than he was with the others with the job and us being in our 30s now when we were 20s with the others

He doesn’t do nights. He does evenings.

Im a shift worker. Evenings are annoying because it does take time to settle down and go to sleep and then you end up waking up in the morning anyway. I don’t know anyone who does evenings who’s asleep so late in the day. Did he always sleep that late?

Ah just saw your update.

We’re both nearly 50 and work actual nights. No free passes here.