AIBU saying DH should get up earlier even though he works nights?

[SomethingImaginative]

So just had an argument with DH and we’re now sitting in awkward tension so I thought I’d come on here for some opinions and I will reluctantly apologise if I get my arse handed to me here. It might be a bit of an essay because I want to get all the facts out.

DH works in a factory. work hours 2pm-1am Monday-Wednesday 2pm-11.30pm Thursday Home about 20 minutes after finish.

He comes in has something to eat and then watches tv until about 5 or 6 am, then goes to bed gets up about 12.45 gets himself ready and off he goes to work. weekends he says he needs to catch up on sleep and will not get up until about 3pm.

We have 4 children. A teen, a tween, 6year old and a 3 month old. Older 3 have asd 6yr old still in nappies due to global development delay also. I do 100% for the baby as he says he’s not good with babies. He does help out when he’s here with the older ones, I would say 50/50 maybe even more about 65 in his favour now I have the baby to deal with.

I usually work part time due to 6yr olds needs so only 3 days a week but am currently on maternity.

DH is always complaining about being tired he did this today about 5pm when he had got out of bed at 3.30pm. I said how can you be tired you’ve barely been up. He responded he didn’t go to bed until 5am. I said that’s your choice you were home there’s no need to stay up that late and it then somehow turned into a bit of an argument with him saying about body clocks and how you can’t just come home and go straight to bed. You need to unwind for a few hours. I said you should just have a couple of hours then go to bed and you could then get up earlier and have some time before work. He countered with people who work 9-5 don’t go to bed at 7pm and what he does is what night workers do and I don’t know what I’m talking about. I said that’s completely different because the time of day matters etc and it went back and forth until the baby cried so I got up to see to him.

Anyway I think the essay is long enough! So my question is do you tend to agree with his point and that I should leave him to it or do you agree with me that he makes it harder than it needs to be and he should be doing more with his day then just sleeping and work?

If he finishes at 1am, gets home at 1:30, then 5am is only actually 3.5 hours. If someone worked a 9-5 then you wouldn’t think it was crazy if they were going to bed at 8:30, in fact most people would probably say that was too early!

YABU.

It’s like demanding you go straight to bed after work to be up early in the morning. You presumably take time after work to decompress, have dinner, etc etc. the time of day is irrelevant. This is what happens when you work shifts.

My brother works nights and will sometimes be going to bed at 6, when I’m getting up to get ready for work - but he’ll have got in at 3, gone to the gym, had dinner and had a shower. You can’t expect him to go to bed 20 minutes after finishing work.

I don't know any parent - certainly not mother - that finishes work at 5, has all evening to themselves, then a full quota of sleep plus extra at the weekend.

Not everybody can adapt to working nights and manage it. Sounds like your husband is someone who is not able to pull it off.

My dad did 12 hour night shifts 6pm to 6am he would come home maybe eat a snack have a drink and a chat then go to bed around 8am at the latest he would get up around 3/4pm chat again then go off to work again we saw him on the weekend properly

It was not good for family life

Not everybody can adapt to working nights and manage it. Sounds like your husband is someone who is not able to pull it off.

He's home by midnight on the Thursday and is doing the same thing. Then sleeping for over 10 hours at the weekend. As I said, shift work can be difficult but so is being solely responsible for four children and a household AND working part time. Frankly he needs to find a way to adapt, or a different job.

YABU why on earth do you keep having children when you have special needs children for the first 1 or 2??

As for the tiredness, unless you have worked shifts, you have no idea what it does to your body, messes it up completely. LTB (to sleep)

many parents get sweet f all downtime to unwind.
I work days collect kids on way home, cook dinner, clean up, few chores, spend time with kids, bath time, kids to bed, prepare for next day. Then it’s practically my own bedtime.
OP’s husband gets to just chill with no kids to worry about and kids gone to school when he is up and getting ready for work. He lives like a single man. Not a father of four.

I can’t understand the siding with him on this thread. He does a late/twilight shift not ‘nights’ and no, most people with 4 kids who do a 9-5 don’t then do absolutely fuck all until 10pm which is what your husband is doing if we’re sticking to the 9-5 analogy. I’ve worked those late evening hours, pre-kids, and less than an hour to wind down is fine. I used to eat a meal on my last break so that I wasn’t hungry or too full to go to bed. My friend with kids does actual mixed night shifts, through the whole night, in a really demanding role and does everything she can to mitigate the effect on family life.

He’s got no business spending 4-5 hours watching shit on telly to ‘wind down’ and then spending zero time with his kids.

You lost me at ‘how can you be tired?’ Everyone is tired op but his job must be effing exhausting, as is dealing with young children. Nobody should ever use that phrase to anyone, it’s just not fair but I get you must be exhausted too. Saying that his timetable gets me stressed, even trying to figure out bedtimes then go to work would have me quitting!!!! (Retail worker here that sometimes works until ten at night, sometimes ten, eleven or twelve hour shifts albeit not very regularly who is broken from it!!)

Working till 1am is working ‘late’ not working nights. I used to work 8pm till 8am and had to be up at 2pm to pick the kids up. I didn’t get to opt-out of weekend parenting either!

it IS knackering though - I constantly felt unwell working nights and I’m naturally a night owl so I imagine it’s prob worse if your body favours a more normal routine.

Could you both compromise with him going to bed at 3-3:30 and waking up an hour or 2 earlier? He’d be more tired when he finishes at 1am if he woke up earlier in the day.

He’s not working nightshift though he’s working late. I agree he wouldn’t go to bed right as he gets in but staying up until 5/6 is his choice. And I’m saying that as someone who’s worked full rotating shifts for over 20 years.
I finish at 2am, home for 0215. Stay up til about 3/3.30 then get up about 10/11 the following day.
nightshift I finish at 7am and just sleep as long as I can usually until 11am.
its his choice to stay up as late as he does but he can’t just check out of family life.
he needs to look at how he could make changes to allow him to be more present and contribute a bit more.

Thanks for the responses. I’m rubbish with technology so not sure how to answer people individually. He works 4 days a week and has 3 off and he started this job after we found out we were having baby No4. He was self employed before that but it was very sporadic and could go a month or 2 without work so I said if we’re doing this you need a regular income and of all the jobs he picked that one 😞 something about career progression which I thought was a bit bs but it was regular paye work so I couldn’t complain.

It sounds like I am being unreasonable towards him though but I’ve realised from some of the answers I think it stems from a bit of jealousy on my part that those downtime hours are hours I don’t have. I literally have 1 or more children with me the second I open my eyes to the second I close them. Our 6yr old dd is very high needs is basically a giant toddler inquisitive and exploring but with the height and strength of an older child so she can break through child locks and reach things that are messy or dangerous so I’m always ‘on’ she doesn’t sleep until I sleep about 10/11pm or if I put her to bed the usual time for her age about 8 she wakes up at 3am she just doesn’t seem to need as much sleep. then add into that the surprise 4th baby who wakes a few times a night. I think it’s just the constant he’s tired that triggers me most because I am also tired!

I’ve just gone to the loo though and discovered I’ve started my period so I’ll just put it all down to pms and just smile and carry on 😂

p.s not gonna lie I did like that some agreed with me!

I've worked mixed shifts in the past - if you work 2pm - 10:30pm then 6am to 2pm (not ideal but it happened) you can indeed go to bed and sleep half an hour after getting in.

Staying up a couple of hours after getting in is easier if on a run of lates, but wasn't really an option for me as I had young preschool and primary school aged children and at that point (pre COVID) my husband had to work core hours from the office (he did juggle starting early and finishing early or starting late and finishing late to do drop offs on my early shifts or pick ups when I was on a late but he couldn't start late so I could stay in bed AND finish early because I was at work at pick up time!)

There's no need to watch television for five hours at all. When on a run of 2pm to 10:30pm shifts I generally got home just after 11pm and went to bed by midnight to be up with the kids by 7am, as DH left for work at 6am to be done in time for pick up.

Arguing about being tired is such a daft thing to do, it’s not a competition.

Mu DH works shifts and is constantly tired, I’ve worked shifts and it’s so difficult. You do need to unwind and your DH’s work patterns are particularly brutal because he changes halfway through the week.

You’re also looking after a baby and dc, which is also brutal.

I think you both need to cut each other some slack and help and support rather than being in a tired competition.

He works very long days. I don’t think he’s going anything wrong

They are both working very long days!

Many agree with you. 2 hours max is all he needs to wind down after a late shift - TV just keeps your brain awake. He needs to go to bed earlier, get up earlier, and start pulling his weight within the family. Ideally look for a job with regular hours too so he doesn’t have this excuse any more!

Your DH is completely taking the piss and I would be furious!!!

I don't think his sleeping pattern is particularly wrong but it sounds like the two of you need to talk about who does what and how you make the whole of your life together work.

Whose idea was baby 4 when you already had so much on your plates?

The trouble is this job doesn't lend itself to a parent with small children, particularly if one has additional needs.

Rather than being told when he should be tired enough to go to bed and refreshed enough to get up, you two should be discussing him getting a more suitable job.

Unless he chose this one so he can do a bit of child dodging.

Why isn't he dealing with the night wakings?

3 have additional needs, the 6 year old’s are just quite profound. (I get it, my sister has a 5.5 year old son who sounds very similar.)

I just can’t get over thinking that another baby was a good idea.