AIBU saying DH should get up earlier even though he works nights?

[SomethingImaginative]

So just had an argument with DH and we’re now sitting in awkward tension so I thought I’d come on here for some opinions and I will reluctantly apologise if I get my arse handed to me here. It might be a bit of an essay because I want to get all the facts out.

DH works in a factory. work hours 2pm-1am Monday-Wednesday 2pm-11.30pm Thursday Home about 20 minutes after finish.

He comes in has something to eat and then watches tv until about 5 or 6 am, then goes to bed gets up about 12.45 gets himself ready and off he goes to work. weekends he says he needs to catch up on sleep and will not get up until about 3pm.

We have 4 children. A teen, a tween, 6year old and a 3 month old. Older 3 have asd 6yr old still in nappies due to global development delay also. I do 100% for the baby as he says he’s not good with babies. He does help out when he’s here with the older ones, I would say 50/50 maybe even more about 65 in his favour now I have the baby to deal with.

I usually work part time due to 6yr olds needs so only 3 days a week but am currently on maternity.

DH is always complaining about being tired he did this today about 5pm when he had got out of bed at 3.30pm. I said how can you be tired you’ve barely been up. He responded he didn’t go to bed until 5am. I said that’s your choice you were home there’s no need to stay up that late and it then somehow turned into a bit of an argument with him saying about body clocks and how you can’t just come home and go straight to bed. You need to unwind for a few hours. I said you should just have a couple of hours then go to bed and you could then get up earlier and have some time before work. He countered with people who work 9-5 don’t go to bed at 7pm and what he does is what night workers do and I don’t know what I’m talking about. I said that’s completely different because the time of day matters etc and it went back and forth until the baby cried so I got up to see to him.

Anyway I think the essay is long enough! So my question is do you tend to agree with his point and that I should leave him to it or do you agree with me that he makes it harder than it needs to be and he should be doing more with his day then just sleeping and work?

Are you ok with that? I know I wouldn't be. He needs to parent and bond with the baby just as you need to be able to have breaks from the baby and spend some time with older DC too.

If this carries on, baby will become a toddler who only wants mum and that will be his excuse. He needs to learn his cues and do his part with the baby too.

This.
I would be more on board with him if there were no children involved. However, their needs come first so he should be having a couple hours max down time after work and up a couple hours earlier.

Yep! That's pretty much the schedule I ran to as well. This husband is taking the piss so massively!! I'm still furious about him!

I work nights 10pm-6am. I originally started off doing 9pm-7am, 6 on 8 off. It contributed a lot to a breakdown, as my sleep was constantly broken with school runs rtc. When I returned I cut down to 4 on 10 off. I had a phased return and I found finishing at 1/2am really difficult, and found it really hard to get to sleep.

I do a lot less when I'm working now compared to before. I know my husband isn't thrilled, but the DCs needs are such we can't access paid childcare, and DHs income isn't enough alone.

You are completely right and I think that’s what’s happened. Odd times I’ve popped to the shop for 15 minutes and come back to ds screaming in DH arms and I then take him and he’ll be asleep in seconds because I think he’s got so used to just me. I have been stepping back when I can in the last couple of weeks though like going for a bath where before I’d get ds to sleep go for a bath and then if I heard ds cry I’d get straight out and go to him. Now I’m leaving DH to deal with it unless ds gets really worked up and he does usually end up settling down. It is hard though because when I can hear him crying for a while I want to step in but he’s in dh’s arms being rocked it’s not like he’s been left alone in a room but I still feel guilty

This is really difficult, because I feel it’s one of those situations that you can only really make judgement on if you’ve done nights yourself. I’ve not done nights so I think I would have to take the advice from the lovely people on here who have experienced that. That’s a very difficult working life to have with 4 children.

It will be harder in the short term but so much easier in the long term, it will definitely be worth it.

Baby is with his other parent and safe. There's nothing to feel guilty about I promise.

I used to work 2-10pm, home about 11. I’d eat my dinner at 6.30pm as that’s when my break was. I’d then have a snack when I got home. I wouldn’t want to go straight to bed, so I’d usually sit up and watch tv/read and go to bed about 1.30/2. I can understand perhaps on the later shifts he is up until 4ish, but on the nights he’s back by 11.30, he could be in bed by 3, then up by 10am to help.
I bet you don’t sit down at 5pm and do nothing until bed time at 9/10 do you? And you’re up in the night? So unless he’s using the time from 1.30-6am to clean up and batch cook it’s not a fair equation anyway. People use the time after work to get chores done, especially when they have 4 kids. If you said he went to the gym, hoovered the house, washed up etc then fair enough but just working late shifts (late, no nights) doesn’t give you carte Blanche out of family life. When my husband worked proper nights I still expected him to pull his weight, albeit with some leniency for the timings of things.

I work almost exactly these hours three days a week, although from home. Pre-kids I would stay up for 2-3 hours and sleep in. Post-kids I go to bed immediately and get up at the usual time, usually around 7am. I suspect a few days of getting up early will solve his inability to go to bed when he finishes. I used to say that I could never go to bed immediately after work as I was too wired, but turns out when you’re tired from being up all day, you can!

That is absolutely ridiculous, he is choosing to opt out of family life.
That’s not a night shift, it’s just bit of a late night.
He should be in bed asleep by 2am & up around 10am, the other shift he should go to bed around 0030 & up at a normal time in morning.
He has a family, 4 kids ffs & is actively choosing not to help.
I do night shifts & various other unsocial shifts, I don’t opt out of family life.
It’s pretty much only men who behave like this from what I have observed.

Is there anything he can do to help the family while he's up in the early hours? Fold laundry, tidy quietly? You'd be doing that with your evening so why can't he? And i do think with Fridays off he can do more at the weekend.

Going to echo a few others here - he's not working 'nights'. These are standard shift times for many working in hospitality/pubs/restaurants. Wtf is he doing getting in & staying up till 5am when you've got 4 kids? Then needing extra sleep at the weekends? Come tf on.

I flat out think he's taking the piss & using this to dodge responsibility &, frankly, I'd be fucking furious.

It would be ultimatum time for me.

I'm half laughing at the idea that working till 1am is a night shift lol. I had to read it 3 times to make sure that's what I was seeing

I had that shift and it is hard to unwind after work. However, I really pushed myself to sleep 2 hours after arriving home. I'd have a light snack,watch TV then sleep. You can easily stay awake longer but then if you do, you're only living to work and don't have time with your family.

Can he change shifts? That's what I had to do after having a baby.

Good God it's a good job he doesn't work where I do......I often work shifts that finish at 10.30. I'm home around 11, usually have an hour to wind down and straight to bed, I can have a shift at 10.00 am the following day so get up around 8 and I consider that a lie in !

My other shifts are 5.00 am until 3pm so my day starts at 3.30am as I like to have an hour to wake up etc. I still make dinner when I get home and carry on as normal.

He's taking the absolute piss.

I can also see it both ways, have worked plenty of actual nights, sometimes I just passed out as soon as I got home, some times it's nice to watch a bit of telly and relax.

He is 100% correct about body clocks that you can’t come home from work, eat and fall into bed within 2hrs. It wasn’t in your post, but the additional problem with night shifts is that long term it causes serious health issues- fatigue, insomnia, high blood pressure, heart disease and so on. Which means that a night worker always needs more than 8hrs of sleep - it’s closer to 10hrs just to slow down the negative impacts to their long term health.

Unless he can realistically find a daytime job, you really need to not be so critical and pressure him to get up earlier or play the tired Olympics with him. Night work is way more tiring than day work. It goes against millions of years of evolution and that has a cost.

You’re working during normal waking hours so you are just another person who has no idea about night shifts. 🙄

He’s not working nights, he’s working late.

OP you should go get a late shift job. Then you get to relax and sleep and have time to yourself. I wonder how he would manage?

And yes I did mixed shifts including weekly actual night shifts for 20 years. He is selfish and lazy.

@SpiritAdder But he’s not working bloody night shifts! Did you read the OP? He starts at 2pm and finishes at 1am (at the latest) like the millions of people who work in hospitality and manage to function and be present for their families. In fact many many people manage a 1am finish hospitality job AND a 9am start day job where needs must. I did for years.

But he works lates not nights. He does what he does to exonerate himself from sharing any home/child responsibilities with you. If he went to bed at 2am and got up at 10am that would be reasonable.

I didn’t even read your whole post. He can sleep on Fridays, and frankly - he can rest when he dies.
No obvious reason for his sleep not to be normal at the weekend.

How nice to have protected sleep time and wake hours without childcare. Not a single mum I know has that.

I worked nightshifts and did daytime child care. He's not pulling his weight.

Dh used to work similar hours so would go to bed 3am and be up at 9am. Sorry but I think he should go to bed earlier!

Nah, he works a back shift, he has ample opportunity to maintain a normal meal and sleep schedule meaning he can still contribute to the household tasks and raising children. He's a lazy waste of space that's using it as an excuse to not do anything.

I used to work similar shifts, normal meal schedule and decompress for an hour once you're home and up for the day no later than 8 or 9am.