To not remind my husband it's my birthday?

[DoneWithThisShizzle]

That's it exactly. It's my birthday in approximately 24 hours and I think he has forgotten. Hasn't asked what I want or snuck anything into the house. I've answered the door to the postie for the past two weeks and taken in nothing that he hasn't opened and shown me.

So as not to dripfeed, it's his mum's birthday the day after, it's a big one, so he's been organising a party for that (not that I think it's a good excuse to forget mine).

Do I remind him? Or not?

Thank you. I like this approach. I know I'm going to feel crap and so will he.

That's not fair. He's a great husband, very supportive and loving. This is unusual so I've been feeling at a loss at what to do.

I would let it play out too Op, just to see if he remembers or not.

I find it weird he can forget considering his mums birthday is the day after and he’s planning something for that .

He’s forgotten your birthday once before if this now makes it a second time make sure he doesn’t get to third time! If you get into the habit of having to remind him of these dates you might grow resentful.

To be fair, the first time was very early on in our relationship, and I still married him!

This 100 percent

I think it's because of the proximity to his mother's birthday. I feel a bit incredulous that he could forget!

That's a result! 😃

ok sure but my main point was about now.

I find it odd that he could forget (this year) when he has a birthday event he’s planning for his mom the day after.

I have a few female friends from uni and we manage to remember almost every year for the past 15 years and we don’t live with each other. So I’d expect my husband to be better than mates.

I would be unimpressed if I had to remind my partner about my birthday. The bar is so low for men in some households. Each to their own I guess.

Oh, I'm so sorry. That's really not nice of him. I hope you have others around you who know how to love you and treat you 💐

You've hit the nail on the head. How could he forget and why should I remind him?

Happy Birthday for tomorrow! Make your own plans and enjoy your day. Buy yourself a present.

Happy birthday !

is it today?

Okay, thank you everyone, you've given me some thoughts to think on. I'm going to have a sleep and hopefully wake up with a solution. Thanks again 😘

It's tomorrow, as in Thursday 😊

I doubt he'd care anyway, he'd probably be relieved if he's not a birthday person.

If you want people, anyone at all, to make a fuss of your birthday you must remind them one week before. Yep, sorry, that's how it goes.

Many people, for example me, give zero shits about birthdays and honestly just forget about them. The only birthdays I could never forget are my kids because I was the one who gave birth to them and those days are firmly etched in stone. When the kids were young I had a list of birthdays of other family members, including their dad, typed up and stuck on the inside of the pantry door because I genuinely never remembered anyone's but theirs. I also give zero shits if someone forgets my birthday, and the week before it will generally send out a reminder if I want to do something, let's go for lunch for my birthday, let's do a movie - or something similar.

Fortunately, nobody plays stupid games or acts as though this is some terrible thing, we all just remind one another of birthdays coming up.

The fact is if you have not mentioned this at all in the run up it has been deliberate, you are trying to trick him and catch him out, because you are hoping to play a martyr game, play the victim card and make him feel bad. Weird behaviour and not a healthy dynamic at all.

Just remind people a week before your birthday if it matters to you. If they THEN go ahead and forget you have reason to be upset.

I would nonchalantly remind him, and I would want my DH to remind me if he thought I might have forgotten his birthday or any other special occasion. We've chosen to be partners - we work hard to be loving and considerate towards each other, but we also give each other grace and when one of us stumbles the other helps minimize the damage rather than standing by waiting for the other to fail and taking the opportunity to be as angry and hurt as possible.

You don't have to "remind him" in some pointed fashion, just mention your birthday. Yes, it will be hurtful if you mention it and see a panicked look on his face or if the day comes and you can tell he had to scramble last minute. But how will not mentioning it improve anything? You're still just as hurt and also there's nothing planned for your birthday. Is the bitter satisfaction of not helping him out here really worth that?

Exactly. I think society does condition women into normalising lack of consideration in men. To the extent many women are expected to be the ones organising presents for their husbands side of the family.

I’d just watch it play out and if he does forget (hope he doesn’t forget !) I’d wait until after his mums party and then have a heart to heart with him about how this makes you feel and how it’s important to you that he does remember your birthday.

It doesn’t need to be a mud slinging or heated kind of discussion- it may even bring you closer once he realises how you feel. And hopefully he will do better from now on.

Whatever happens - please do try and have a happy birthday - and update us! :D

I’d not remind him, I’m not his mum and if I were he’d be planning a lovely celebration. But I’d have something planned just for me this weekend for my birthday and he’s not invited.

Why on earth not?

Without trying to be rude, I think it is pretty melodramatic to use the words "give each other grace when one of us stumbles the other helps minimise the damage". It's just forgetting a birthday, not any sort of a betrayal. I mean, you're basically right, but it's giving the whole thing too much importance imo to put it like this.

However, you are right on the money with this "But how will not mentioning it improve anything? You're still just as hurt and also there's nothing planned for your birthday. Is the bitter satisfaction of not helping him out here really worth that?"

She's hoping to confront him with it and play the martyr for some reason, instead of just mentioning it a week ago. Not a good dynamic in their relationship, at all.

With that approach, he’s going to do the bare minimum and think he’s done a lot. I’d rather he didn’t do anything.

I forgot my DH's birthday was coming up once, with a few days to go! He dropped a hint, I booked a nice dinner, we had a lovely day. I'm glad he didn't try and score points.

There again we have form. We both forgot it was our anniversary one year, so we suit each other 🤣

Happy birthday 🎉🎂💐 Hope you have a lovely day (and hope he remembered) 😀

I haven’t read the full thread, but I think in relationships you pick your battles.

If you don’t remind him about your birthday, he might come through anyway or you might be left feeling unappreciated

But if you do remind him say a couple of weeks in advance, you might consistently be left happy with the end result.

I’m not saying that you should have to remind him, it’s a basic thing to celebrate a birthday after all. I just think you might want to evaluate how much energy you spend on this, because you say it’s happened before and it may happen in the future. If it’s an otherwise good marriage, a reminder might be all it takes to avoid hurt feelings

Well, let me tell you a story about that sort of stupid tit for tat over unimportant things. My mother did this, and she told me about it decades later. One year, instead of just telling my dad it was her birthday coming up, she chose to do what the OP is choosing to do - use him forgetting her birthday against him and be a martyr. He completely forgot, and never actually remembered, so she silently stewed and said nothing.

Come his birthday (two months later) he asked what she was getting him and she sniped back "Exactly what you got me. Nothing". The angry satisfaction in her voice could be heard as she told me this through pursed lips, all those decades later.

So the result was that neither of them ever celebrated one another's birthday ever again. It was just another small nail in the coffin of an unhappy marriage and added to their general unhappiness, while gaining absolutely nothing at all except that martyred satisfaction. There were plenty of things my father did that were worth sniping about - this was NOT one of them.

So yeah, if you want to have a nasty tit for tat dynamic in a miserable marriage, this is a great way to start that off. Or, just be a normal person and remind your husband it's your birthday a week before it.