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Original poster

To not remind my husband it's my birthday?

795 replies

DoneWithThisShizzle · 12/08/2025 23:21

That's it exactly. It's my birthday in approximately 24 hours and I think he has forgotten. Hasn't asked what I want or snuck anything into the house. I've answered the door to the postie for the past two weeks and taken in nothing that he hasn't opened and shown me.

So as not to dripfeed, it's his mum's birthday the day after, it's a big one, so he's been organising a party for that (not that I think it's a good excuse to forget mine).

Do I remind him? Or not?

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 13/08/2025 06:49

LadyTable · 12/08/2025 23:45

Christ I'd hate to be in a marriage like this.

DH and I often forget certain dates and have to be reminded and yes, sometimes that includes birthdays and anniversaries!

"Oi Dave" or "Oi Jan" "Remember it's my birthday next Wednesday."

"Oh bollocks, shit, fuck! Thanks for reminding me".

No drama and no silly games 🤷‍♀️

25 years of marriage and this still works for us.

This. Don't create unnecessary drama and stress if it's otherwise a good relationship.

The situation isn't great, but some people on here would rather be right than happy!

thepariscrimefiles · 13/08/2025 06:52

underthisredrock · 13/08/2025 00:27

Well, let me tell you a story about that sort of stupid tit for tat over unimportant things. My mother did this, and she told me about it decades later. One year, instead of just telling my dad it was her birthday coming up, she chose to do what the OP is choosing to do - use him forgetting her birthday against him and be a martyr. He completely forgot, and never actually remembered, so she silently stewed and said nothing.

Come his birthday (two months later) he asked what she was getting him and she sniped back "Exactly what you got me. Nothing". The angry satisfaction in her voice could be heard as she told me this through pursed lips, all those decades later.

So the result was that neither of them ever celebrated one another's birthday ever again. It was just another small nail in the coffin of an unhappy marriage and added to their general unhappiness, while gaining absolutely nothing at all except that martyred satisfaction. There were plenty of things my father did that were worth sniping about - this was NOT one of them.

So yeah, if you want to have a nasty tit for tat dynamic in a miserable marriage, this is a great way to start that off. Or, just be a normal person and remind your husband it's your birthday a week before it.

Edited
Show quote history

Surely if you say that your dad did lots of things that were worth sniping about, the forgetting of the birthday was probably just the icing on a very shit cake in terms of their marriage. If their marriage was as unhappy as you say, I doubt that your mum reminding your dad about her birthday would have made much difference.

Kitjo · 13/08/2025 06:58

He has remembered, he knows and he’s arranged something quietly to surprise you. Have faith xx 🌷

GiantTeddyIsTired · 13/08/2025 06:59

My ex forgot my birthday fairly often. This wasn't a massive deal, birthdays aren't a big thing in my family.

BUT.. he always complained that the presents/whatever I got him for his weren't good enough, and the final nail in the coffin was forgetting my 40th, then getting angry at me for letting him forget (even though I wasn't cross with him for forgetting). Looking back, that was the beginning of the end for us.

AiryFairy1 · 13/08/2025 07:01

After a few birthday disappointments over the years, I now loudly signal to the family including DH of my upcoming birthday in the days preceding, and it usually lands up being ok.
I don’t expect / want HUGE fuss, just the acknowledgment.

Startrekobsessed · 13/08/2025 07:06

Happy Birthday OP! 🎂🎉 I hope you have a lovely day and it turns out he remembered. If he didn’t, take yourself off to do something special or atleast book yourself in for some pampering at a future date, you deserve a celebration as much as his Mum

DancingNotDrowning · 13/08/2025 07:07

If birthdays matter to you - and I accept they don’t to everyone - then having a DH forget your birthday is shitty. It’s the same date every year and there are a million and one tools available to prompt the memory.

they never forget their Saturday morning cycle / board meeting / oasis concert / cup final do they.

if you have a SH who cannot prioritise something that is important to you then you don’t have to be ok with that. It’s on them and it’s not martyrdom to expect better.

Pigeon123456 · 13/08/2025 07:08

If you don’t remind him, you’re “cutting off your nose to spite your face”. I never understand why some posters martyr themselves so unnecessarily.

PinkFlloyd · 13/08/2025 07:09

Please don't set this up as a competition with MIL. Yes, it seems incredulous he could forget with hers the next day, but I'd assume he started planning her event ages ago, when yours wasn't in mind. Then he got busy planning that. It is easy to forget less important things when you're busy with a big event.
That's not to say you're less important, but your Birthday is this year. What would he normally do? Most adults don't plan much huge midweek for a lesser Birthday. As of yet he hasn't forgotten. What would he do if it was a big Birthday for you? That would be more telling.
It feels like youre setting both yourself and him up for a crap Birthday if it's a simple oversight. Why not give him a heads up. That way you get to enjoy your day and won't know if he did or didn't forget.

underthisredrock · 13/08/2025 07:13

thepariscrimefiles · 13/08/2025 06:52

Surely if you say that your dad did lots of things that were worth sniping about, the forgetting of the birthday was probably just the icing on a very shit cake in terms of their marriage. If their marriage was as unhappy as you say, I doubt that your mum reminding your dad about her birthday would have made much difference.

Show quote history

Nope. This was when they were young and he had done pretty much nothing wrong, happened in the first couple of years, as I said she told me about it happening decades previously and she made it clear it was very early in the marriage. She also told me how he didn't start to be an arsehole till he started drinking heavily, which was at least 12 years in. And believe me, I know that timeline off by heart - however much you'd prefer it to be the story that suits you.

Nice try though.

Zonder · 13/08/2025 07:14

DoneWithThisShizzle · 13/08/2025 00:06

You've hit the nail on the head. How could he forget and why should I remind him?

Show quote history

Because it's not a game, you're not in competition and he has clearly had a lot to think about. It's inexcusable to forget your birthday but a) maybe he hasn't or b) maybe he could do with a little help in remembering.

The sensible way (and the one that won't make you feel so crap if he has forgotten) is to say something. I would say just checking, are we doing something tomorrow for my birthday or would you like to postpone mine til next week when we have got your mum's birthday stuff done?

GlastoNinja · 13/08/2025 07:16

DancingNotDrowning · 13/08/2025 07:07

If birthdays matter to you - and I accept they don’t to everyone - then having a DH forget your birthday is shitty. It’s the same date every year and there are a million and one tools available to prompt the memory.

they never forget their Saturday morning cycle / board meeting / oasis concert / cup final do they.

if you have a SH who cannot prioritise something that is important to you then you don’t have to be ok with that. It’s on them and it’s not martyrdom to expect better.

No one is saying that it’s martyrdom to expect better. They’re saying it’s martyrdom to plan for him to forget in order to have a reason to feel shitty, when a simple prompt is all that’s needed.

It’s like going for a bike ride and poking a stick through your own wheel, falling off and injuring yourself and then blaming the branches falling off the trees.

If there’s a risk it will happen, take control and avoid the risk.

chowmeinz · 13/08/2025 07:16

I find the whole idea of birthdays being an ‘unspoken’ things very odd. We discuss things, including upcoming birthdays. Why does it not form any part of your conversation in the lead up to the day? Do people do this deliberately as a test?

Joeylove88 · 13/08/2025 07:17

If your husband is fine at remembering other things such as other people's or even his own birthday then you shouldn't need to remind him about yours. My partner usually has a 'selective mempry' where he can perfectly remember dates or information for things that are important to him but completely forget information I tell him that is relevant to me/us. If he does forget your birthday im sure he won't do it again once he realizes if he is generally a good husband!

underthisredrock · 13/08/2025 07:19

chowmeinz · 13/08/2025 07:16

I find the whole idea of birthdays being an ‘unspoken’ things very odd. We discuss things, including upcoming birthdays. Why does it not form any part of your conversation in the lead up to the day? Do people do this deliberately as a test?

Yes, it seems she has deliberately not mentioned it all to set him up in the hope he will fail so she can rend her clothes and be a victim. I suspect she is jealous of his attention to his mother and is planning to make a point about it, or maybe just generally sees the world through the eyes of victimhood.

The important thing is that she scores points in the martyrdom competition and makes him feel like shit. Instead of just treating him like he is on your side and giving him a nudge a week before it, like a normal person.

Some marriages are like this, and it never ends well.

Mousehi · 13/08/2025 07:19

Best case scenario he has forgotten. Worst case he has organised some awful party for you too.

YouWillBeFound33 · 13/08/2025 07:23

Keep us updated OP.

A very happy birthday for you tomorrow ❤️

GiantTeddyIsTired · 13/08/2025 07:24

If he's forgotten, he's forgotten. Her reminding him doesn't change the fact he's forgotten. Him racing out and getting something doesn't change the fact that he's forgotten.

The hurt has already happened. Sure you can put a shallow veneer over it by reminding him, but that's just covering up the hole. The hole is still there.

If you care about birthdays, and he forgets, then you reminding him fixes nothing at all about that.

In my case, it wasn't the forgetting that was the issue. It was getting angry with me because he forgot.

FenderStrat · 13/08/2025 07:31

I can fully understand why so many men put 'no drama' in dating profiles.

I think this is the kind of bollocks they're talking about!

Mrseasy · 13/08/2025 07:34

You don’t need to phrase it as a reminder. Why not you just say: I’m so excited it’s my birthday tomorrow (and I’m going to … )

FenderStrat · 13/08/2025 07:36

Mrseasy · 13/08/2025 07:34

You don’t need to phrase it as a reminder. Why not you just say: I’m so excited it’s my birthday tomorrow (and I’m going to … )

But then she'd lose out on the chance to feel hard done by.

MCF86 · 13/08/2025 07:37

Happy birthday OP 🎂

edit - just realised it's tomorrow. There's every chance that the sneaking would be arranged for today, or already be done under the guise of party planning for that matter.

If you usually go out for dinner on your birthday. I'd just say "What time are we going out tomorrow night, I thought I might grab a quick drink after work but only if there's enough time" (or other feasible thing you might do on the way home)

I completely agree you shouldn't have to remind him, but I dont know how it makes anything better for you if you don't either.

JaniceBattersby · 13/08/2025 07:37

FenderStrat · 13/08/2025 07:31

I can fully understand why so many men put 'no drama' in dating profiles.

I think this is the kind of bollocks they're talking about!

Yes women should definitely have to remind their husbands of their birthdays and cause zero ‘drama’ if they forget so as to not hurt their husband’s feelings.

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/08/2025 07:38

It’s the day before his mums, which it is every year, how can he forget! Put it in your phone, put it on the calendar at work, etc, there’s no excuse, come on! I would not be happy if he forgot - its just thoughtless and uncaring.
PS I hope he has remembered. Have a great day tomorrow

Mama1980 · 13/08/2025 07:38

I did this once, forgot my husbands birthday - I was just so busy and I was absolutely mortified it was a genuine mistake. It certainly wasn’t that I didn’t care. He was so so lovely about it, I sobbed and felt awful. I’ve never forgotten since. And we ended up having a lovely day as he was so kind about it and accepted my heartfelt apologies.
If he’s a great husband and you say he is then I would say please gently remind him in a bright breezy way while he still has time to fix it. Otherwise he will feel awful for what is hopefully just a genuine mistake.