Wrong Underwear - I am Ungrateful

[FurlaMetropolis]

DH loves buying mew underwear for Christmas and birthday, used to be a mix of Janet Reger and Ted Bker from Debenhams and best of M&S, now mainly Rosie from M&S and occasionally Autograph. For some weird reason, MIL does the same, which is weird and uncomfortable but that’s another story.

I guess he enjoys a bit of online browsing:-)

But now that I am in mid 40s, it’s not just about how it looks on a model, it has to work for me. My minimum requirements are very simple - padded, wired, not balcony, correct size. He manages to get all of it wrong and gets resentful if I ask if he has a receipt. I feel ungrateful and fussy.

Putting laundry away now, 3 packets in the wardrobe, expensive stuff, none of it is right. The bags only just been opened by him, sat in wardrobe for weeks, the return window will have passed my birthday. It’s over £100 of really nice sets. I feel like crying partly because greedily I feel robbed of birthday presents, partly frustrated by the repeat of Christmas and last year’s birthday. I almost don’t want to say anything as he will only get annoyed and does not listen anyway. No doubt MIL will bring more if the same…

Tell him now, just say you know your birthday is coming soon and that you body is changing and as a heads up you'd rather buy your own underwear now to make sure it is comfortable as some styles no longer are.

He can sort out the returns.

For MIL do that same, thank her, tell her how beautiful they are and she has great taste but you'll have to ask for the receipts. Same message, you can't wear those styles now as body changing and they are not comfortable, tell her she'll understand as she has probably been through the same.

Weird, I'm sure there's much better/nicer things she'd have preferred

I'm way older than you and love my day time comfy stuff, but when I go out with DH or any other fancy event I get my lovely stuff out and it still makes me feel sexy for myself and him.
Just have both, surely not a big deal?

Seems like he’s buying it for himself, not you and also, that he’s found an identical, present buying method for every birthday and Christmas that needs zero effort on his part.

However, it’s no longer working, it isn’t special any more and it’s wasting your money. Just say you no longer need him to buy your underwear and suggest he buys you either nice vouchers or books you a weekend away for gifts instead.

The underwear doesn’t fit. That’s the issue.

Nothing wrong with having day to day undies and also nicer / sexier items, but having the items fit the wearer is kind of important, or would you squeeze yourself into ill fitting underwear your husband or shudder at the thought, your MIL bought you ?

So he's buying HIMSELF presents for Christmas instead of proper presents for you, then getting pissy because you don't want them for whatever reason.

Even if they fit perfectly, they're still presents for himself, not OP, and he needs to stop being such an arse.

YANBU in being annoyed but YABU in not just providing him with the right sizing? Unless he’s rejecting taking note of it?

I also don’t understand why he can’t just pop a gift receipt into the bag.

Underwear is such an odd gift. I know it's supposed by sexy, but it's such a difficult thing to buy for another person! Even if you know their size and style preferences, there are too many variables that can go wrong. He needs to be told. Would he rather the money be wasted on things you won't want to wear? Because if so, that's just stupid (and so must he be).

If he insists on buying underwear for you, you could suggest he gives you the money so you can shop for yourself, and then you come home and model them for him. (This wouldn't be for me, but if you don't mind, it might appeal to him.)

Your MIL insisting on buying underwear for you is a whole other kettle of fish!

But its the opposite for men - buy him a large codpiece and act disappointed that he doesnt fill it.

I suspect that he is passive aggressively negging you by buying you the smaller size he wants you to return to?

I agree with others. Tell him now not to buy you underwear. Tell him you want to wear what you find comfortable.
He ya biting it for himself. If he chooses to ignore you, then buy him underwear for his birthday and Christmas. Make sure it is scratching, flimsy, impractical stuff from a sex shop. Preferably pants with a hole on the arse or a thong. If he dared to complain tell him that he buys you impractical stuff so what’s the difference?
Also tell him to tell your mil that you do not want underwear.

That's weird. Stop.

Is that all you ever get? How sad. And tell your MIL to stop buying you underwear.

Good God, no to all of it! Your DH buying your bras and your MIL buying you any underwear. Just be straight and say you don’t want any more ‘gifts’. Buy your own undies, like a grown up,

Re-gift the whole lot to MIL, including the stuff she bought you.

Job done.

Why is your mil buying you underwear ?! That is fuckin weird. Put a stop to that shit.

I would do what I do as people seem to have a strange idea of what present I would like.

(Ashtrays and bottles of wine for someone who is a non smoker (never ever had a single puff of a cigarette). and doesn’t drink alcohol)

I say I don’t want gifts. Once someone who I hadn’t known long said they didn’t want me to miss out on gifts and gave me a scarf that they tried to tie around my neck
I have a primal thing about material being around my neck and had what felt like a full blown panic attack.

Dont think I ever went out with this person again

Just tell them to stop wasting their money.

Leave the "gifts" in their packaging out on the dressing table and stop buying them presents.

Buy your own underwear.

I don’t understand the references, is it sexy lingerie or basic underwear? Personally I would just let him carry on and just never wear it, he’ll soon get the hint.

This isn’t just about underwear is it?

Firstly, if it’s sexy underwear, he’s buying it for him (or at best the two of you. 🙄) and this means it’s not a present for you so even if he buys you the most perfect underwear set ever, it’s still not your present. I would always ask where is the real present.

Secondly, his attitude towards you - expecting you to be grateful for something that doesn’t fit is appalling. Then, he doesn’t return the items so you are left without even the cash for the underwear. He’s behaving in a controlling and entitled manner.

Thirdly, the fact you are reluctant to post him by raising this point again shows the effect this man has on you. You’re too compliant and afraid to upset him for something so small and reasonable. This suggests abuse, coercive control at the least.

I would have a look at the rest of your marriage and see what else you’re having to “compromise” on and how often you walk on eggshells.

The underwear is not the issue- just a symptom of it.

Post should say upset.

I see no reason why you should try and make him feel better.
hey dh, tell me, what do you think of a man a who buys his wife for her birthday and christmas something she said she no longer likes, many times, and it doesn’t fit her, and then HE gets mad at her if she dares mention it? This goes on for years, to the point where she feels depressed about her birthday and Christmas because it sucks to feel like your husband just doesn’t care what you think. By the way, this is me, and I’ve decided to stop getting depressed and get mad. Am I going to get underwear I do not like, do not want, have told you that repeatedly and also does not fit for my birthday? If I am can you let me know so I can invite a friend away with me for a real birthday. Tell your mum too, she’s not invited for Christmas if she gives me underwear again. I will ask her to leave. Can I be any more clear? And if you want to get mad at me door is that way.

I cannot imagine a relationship in which you can't just say no more underwear, please!

It's hardly a sensitive topic!

Just tell him and his mother you have more than enough now and it's a waste of money to get more.

If DH gets arsey about it he is , frankly, strange.

Underwear is not a present. I will never forget the year my father bought my mother lingerie for Christmas. Right underneath the Christmas tree my mother was yelling at him and my siblings and I asked “what is wrong with you?!”

Mum returned everything and bought cotton full briefs.

Perfume is a gift, jewellery is a gift, expensive makeup is a gift, a car is a gift, some clothes (if they are wanted) is a gift.

Oh its thoughtful all right, just not towards the OP. I'm sure he's put a lot of thought into what he'd like to see OP wearing.

I wouldn't stand for this nonsense OP. Explain clearly calmly for one last time that yes you ARE ungrateful as there's nothing to be grateful for as you don't bloody want ot on the first place.
Either he considers your feelings/ desires in future or you will just forgo any future presents completely.

Don't be afraid to make a fuss/ take a stand here.

He keeps buying you the wrong thing despite being repeatedly told it’s the wrong thing and thinks he’s the one who should be annoyed?! I think you need to get properly cross. What he’s doing is just not okay. And if he keeps it up stop buying presents for him at all since he’s deliberately getting your “presents” he knows you can’t use. I’d use the changing shape and want to buy my own underwear line with your mum in law though as it’s a gentler way to handle it and it seems likely she’s taking the lead from her son in this.