Wrong Underwear - I am Ungrateful

[FurlaMetropolis]

DH loves buying mew underwear for Christmas and birthday, used to be a mix of Janet Reger and Ted Bker from Debenhams and best of M&S, now mainly Rosie from M&S and occasionally Autograph. For some weird reason, MIL does the same, which is weird and uncomfortable but that’s another story.

I guess he enjoys a bit of online browsing:-)

But now that I am in mid 40s, it’s not just about how it looks on a model, it has to work for me. My minimum requirements are very simple - padded, wired, not balcony, correct size. He manages to get all of it wrong and gets resentful if I ask if he has a receipt. I feel ungrateful and fussy.

Putting laundry away now, 3 packets in the wardrobe, expensive stuff, none of it is right. The bags only just been opened by him, sat in wardrobe for weeks, the return window will have passed my birthday. It’s over £100 of really nice sets. I feel like crying partly because greedily I feel robbed of birthday presents, partly frustrated by the repeat of Christmas and last year’s birthday. I almost don’t want to say anything as he will only get annoyed and does not listen anyway. No doubt MIL will bring more if the same…

Yes, this.

What a lazy twar. Then being so immature that he can’t discuss it and gets defensive? Eurgh. Why would you want to have sex with him?

A good partner listens, knows what you might like, or asks you. A gift is for you, not for him!!

Better still, buy the things you want for his birthday present , to drive home that you should get to choose your own presents.

I wonder why people start threads and don't come back?

He clearly still fancies you and wants to connect physically. Yes he hasn’t approached it in the most perfect way, but it’s hardly like he’s been bulk buying from Anne Summers. I suspect his reaction is partly due to the awkwardness/feelings of slight rejection from stuff getting returned (which is obviously completely reasonable on your part)

Perhaps suggest you browse together and pick some stuff.

I did buy a voucher last time. I guess it's that i like underwear so thought everyone did 🤣. To be clear, I am talking a six pack of knickers from m&s not a pair of nipple tassles. I do feel weird now though 🤣

Ask him why shops employ specialist bra fitters if he says you are ungrateful. Honestly, he's being a dick. You can bet your bottom dollar that if men needed personalised support garments for their balls and you kept getting it wrong, he would be the first to complain.

Ask/tell him to stop buying for his dream girlfriend instead of you.....

YANBU I told my husband never to buy me clothing I said to him if I went shopping I’d try on loads of stuff before I found something I’d like and unfortunately he just won’t get it right. It’s made life less stressful and birthdays more pleasant.

BF comes shopping with me and I pick out stuff, we discuss it and he pays for it. Okay I know online is different , but I'm sure if you talk about it and order stuff together it'll work out for the best in the long run.
Since I've started earning better money, I mostly buy my own stuff - but the odd shopping 'treat' is nice a couple times a year.

Use your voice and tell them both to stop. Maybe even send them links to stuff you'd really like as a gift.

MIL buying you underwear is well weird too.

It's not just the fact that it's the wrong type - it's that it's underwear at all.

It's the most selfish, uncaring, depressingly predictable present a man can buy for himself.

Is he selfish and uncaring in other ways? If so, then that is the real problem.

I won't say anything about his mother 🤐

Ffs. Obviously YANBU.
Gifts are meant to please the recipient, not the giver. Of course they can do both - DH asks what I want, I name some piece of garden weaponary eg a hori hori or new loppers, he seems to quite enjoy choosing them.

Buy him REALLY TIGHT budgie smugglers and sit back, filing your nails, with a glass of wine at the ready and watch him turn purple as he tries to get into them. If he moans, next time get him big, baggy xxl boxers that will drown him....he will hopefully get the message!!!

I’m sure you’ll be able to exchange rather than money back once you explain why…I have the same issue with perfume - I get very expensive stuff that I don’t really want…

Hrft but find something expensive you like, that's a bit sexy and tell him your size. .maybe he'll buy it for you instead.

The mil I can't comment though

buy him boxer shorts that are small thongs that are too tight and get upset when he doesn't wear them?

Regift them to his mother at Christmas? Seriously I'd say thank you and put them unopened and unused back in the cupboard. Then I'd go out and buy myself a lovely present definitely not underwear probably jewellery or perfume. . If he asks just say oh those don't fit. Grey rock it

Just tell him and if it turns into a row so be it. What’s the point in wasting all that money and you get nothing for your presents. It’s like buying him a shirt he can never wear because it’s too small, over and over again. Have the row.

Try throwing them at him.

I think you should just sit down and tell him how you feel and that you really appreciate the nice gesture and the amount he spends but its harder for you to find comfortable underwear now and that you'd prefer it if you could choose together. You could suggest other things he could get instead. The key is communicating in a way that doesn't undervalue his efforts or make him feel like you do not appreciate him.

I buy my wife underwear (and other things - she likes receiving underwear to point this out), her body changed after childbirth, and I’ll be honest I got the wrong size type, it didn’t help her confidence. We spoke about it and she said “let’s go shopping together” we did, and now I’m back to surprises for her.

Underwear though should never be a ‘main present’ and shouldn’t be overdone.

p.s If you don’t want underwear, just be frank and say I don’t want any more. If he can’t respect that, question his feelings for you.

Why do they need to choose her underwear together?

Go on his computer and pre fill the basket for him!

Sorry OP but I agree with this.

His reaction to you trying to change this is really unnecessary and unpleasant. Is he like this about other things? It’s so disrespectful.

Because there’s a gift involved you’re prioritising feeling grateful. But nothing he’s doing and saying is putting you first and celebrating you.

They do not, of course, my darling heart. I am just responding to OP’s concern of hubby moaning or thinking she's ungrateful. Phrasing it this way will make her husband more receptive and feel less criticised. He also might just end up saying she chooses her own...