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Original poster

Wrong Underwear - I am Ungrateful

240 replies

FurlaMetropolis · 30/07/2025 12:43

DH loves buying mew underwear for Christmas and birthday, used to be a mix of Janet Reger and Ted Bker from Debenhams and best of M&S, now mainly Rosie from M&S and occasionally Autograph. For some weird reason, MIL does the same, which is weird and uncomfortable but that’s another story.

I guess he enjoys a bit of online browsing:-)

But now that I am in mid 40s, it’s not just about how it looks on a model, it has to work for me. My minimum requirements are very simple - padded, wired, not balcony, correct size. He manages to get all of it wrong and gets resentful if I ask if he has a receipt. I feel ungrateful and fussy.

Putting laundry away now, 3 packets in the wardrobe, expensive stuff, none of it is right. The bags only just been opened by him, sat in wardrobe for weeks, the return window will have passed my birthday. It’s over £100 of really nice sets. I feel like crying partly because greedily I feel robbed of birthday presents, partly frustrated by the repeat of Christmas and last year’s birthday. I almost don’t want to say anything as he will only get annoyed and does not listen anyway. No doubt MIL will bring more if the same…

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 30/07/2025 15:20

So every Christmas and birthday your present is underwear (sorry lingerie?). I’d be bloody pissed off with that! Occasionally fair enough but every time? I’d have to say, Oi! stop buying me underwear and get me a proper present. Enough already!

LittleBitofBread · 30/07/2025 15:23

Definitely get them up for sale (eBay you can charge more, but personally I don't find I sell much on there, possibly because of how huge it is; Vinted people don't want to pay very much, but I find things tend to go quite easily, especially good labels and/or new in packaging).

Is he receptive to a conversation about precisely what is wrong with the things he's buying you? And maybe being shown the kind of things you would like/ would be more suitable instead? I realise this is hand-holding, but just wonder if it's worth a try rather than going for the nuclear option.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/07/2025 15:23

FurlaMetropolis · 30/07/2025 12:43

DH loves buying mew underwear for Christmas and birthday, used to be a mix of Janet Reger and Ted Bker from Debenhams and best of M&S, now mainly Rosie from M&S and occasionally Autograph. For some weird reason, MIL does the same, which is weird and uncomfortable but that’s another story.

I guess he enjoys a bit of online browsing:-)

But now that I am in mid 40s, it’s not just about how it looks on a model, it has to work for me. My minimum requirements are very simple - padded, wired, not balcony, correct size. He manages to get all of it wrong and gets resentful if I ask if he has a receipt. I feel ungrateful and fussy.

Putting laundry away now, 3 packets in the wardrobe, expensive stuff, none of it is right. The bags only just been opened by him, sat in wardrobe for weeks, the return window will have passed my birthday. It’s over £100 of really nice sets. I feel like crying partly because greedily I feel robbed of birthday presents, partly frustrated by the repeat of Christmas and last year’s birthday. I almost don’t want to say anything as he will only get annoyed and does not listen anyway. No doubt MIL will bring more if the same…

You need to put your big girl pants on (sorry couldn’t resist) and tell him. No point in him wasting money on expensive underwear if it’s not what you want - and I’d feel robbed too. Can you put the stuff you have on EBay or Vinted or something to try to recoup some of the money and then buy something yourself. Going forward I would be restating my requirements and telling him as nicely as possible that if he isn’t going to stick to that, then not to buy underwear.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/07/2025 15:23

Just put a big note on the fridge.

No more underwear as birthday presents from anyone.

or a more polite version.

This year I'd like one of the following xyz presents. No more underwear, Ever. From anyone.

And for good measure take a photo and whatsapp it to both of them.

PixiePuffBall · 30/07/2025 15:24

"Do you have a gift receipt? This is the wrong (size/ style/ etc)"

Let him have a mantrum about it

Noshadelamp · 30/07/2025 15:25

Surely the bare minimum for a bra is that it fits, and I'd it doesn't fit it's pointless.

He's an idiot to get offended.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 30/07/2025 15:27

BTW.. I keep asking DH and DC NOT to buy me things like body moisturiser or bath oil and all that crap. I've got very sensitive skin and I like the products I buy myself. And I just don't have the room to store this stuff. It sits there for years. They used to get Boot's bumper gift packs of the stuff. I think they buy it from the MUM STUFF section.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/07/2025 15:31

Ask him (and your MIL, ew) to stop buying you underwear.

Presumably nice underwear is a present for him rather than you anyway.

Wouldn't you rather shop for your own underwear and have him buy you something you actually want?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/07/2025 15:32

Also I would say, "DH, I've seen the stuff you've bought for my birthday. I don't even need to try it on to know that none of it will fit. By the time my birthday comes round it will be too late to return it. Can you return it now while you're still in the returns window and get me something that isn't underwear for my birthday please? Let's just accept that you buying me underwear doesn't work."

TryingToStayAwake88 · 30/07/2025 15:34

Figcherry · 30/07/2025 12:45

Buy him expensive pants for his birthday in the wrong size.

Or a tiny thong for him

Oldglasses · 30/07/2025 15:35

Why can't you ask him to return unworn? I have gone with DH a few times to change presents as there is no point keeping something expensive you're not going to use or wear.
In fact I think I have worked out what DH has bought for my bday soon and I'm a bit disappointed. . He loves buying tech stuff but usually it's not what I want and that's what he's done again.I will see what transpires on the day.

Umbrellasinthesunshine · 30/07/2025 15:37

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 30/07/2025 12:57

Buy him some tiny thongs... Appear miffed if he won't wear them.

This is perfect. Get him something wildly inappropriate (leopard print or latex if poss) and then sulk about how he’s ungrateful if he won’t wear them.

Rosscameasdoody · 30/07/2025 15:37

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 30/07/2025 15:31

Ask him (and your MIL, ew) to stop buying you underwear.

Presumably nice underwear is a present for him rather than you anyway.

Wouldn't you rather shop for your own underwear and have him buy you something you actually want?

Glad I’m not the only one who thought MiL buying underwear was icky !!

FleurDeFleur · 30/07/2025 15:38

Rosscameasdoody · 30/07/2025 15:37

Glad I’m not the only one who thought MiL buying underwear was icky !!

Show quote history

It's feckin weird. What with her MIL and that awful husband, poor OP 😞.

latetothefisting · 30/07/2025 15:39

For God sakes grow a pair

Ill fitting unsuitable underwear is a shit birthday present and you don't have to pretend to be grateful for it to spare his feelings when he clearly couldn't care less about yours.

Would you ever buy him underwear as a present at all? Let alone tiny speedos if he wears boxers? Size xxl if he is a medium? How would he react if you did?

Who cares if he sulks when you ask for the receipt (although that in itself indicates you have bigger things to worry about - surely you know that's not how a normal adult behaves).

Just ask him for the receipt and tell him "look I've told you several times now that if you're going to buy me underwear make sure it's something I'll actually wear and you don't seem able to do it, so please don't buy it anymore."

As long as you've got the receipt m&s might still give you credit even if they dont refund it. If they don't, buy yourself a present with the money you would have spent on HIS birthday present and he can keep the knickers -after all he clearly bought them for himself really.

anon4net · 30/07/2025 15:40

Unless it is something someone has requested, underwear isn't a gift for the person who wears it. Is he always this selfish?

Stop accepting it @FurlaMetropolis . When you open it say 'no' and hand it back. His mood should not dictate this. Stand firm.

I'd package up all of the ones they've given you into a pile and put it on a place he will see after work. When he asks why it's there simply say you don't want it and won't be accepting any more underwear. Then ask him if he should put it in the bin or you.

Stand strong. Do not be a pushover. This is about far more than the underwear he buys you.

Artinsurance · 30/07/2025 15:43

My DP did this for several years with me telling him that things didn’t fit or I didn’t feel comfortable. I told him I wasn’t going to wear it for his benefit and it may have had an adverse impact on our sex life (but that may have been perimenopause related too). To be fair, he also bought many other gifts so it wasn’t like they were the only thing I received but I still felt incredibly ungrateful to put them, unopened, into a box never to be worn.

Eventually we came to the compromise that he would only buy things that I had tried on, so we go shopping together or he buys different colours of stuff that he knows that work for me. Is that an option you could suggest to him?

I’d definitely be knocking the MIL gifts on the head though. That is weird! 🤨

raininginlanzarote · 30/07/2025 15:46

Dear god I would have nipped that in the bud at the start! Last time I bought a bra I had to try on 13 - yep 13 before I found one that fitted and was comfortable. There is NO WAY my husband of 30 years would EVER have had the foggiest idea.

I would demand no more underwear (and from your MIL is seriously weird)

eggandonion · 30/07/2025 15:46

I don't live in the UK...I'm sure shops round here don't refund on knickers or swimwear or earrings. Male as well as female. Even with tags or in packaging.

LaBarucci · 30/07/2025 15:47

This has happened to me more than once: I remember a former boyfriend, 18 years older than I was and a bit of a chauvinist as I recall, gaily announcing that he was going to buy me "sexy underwear" for my upcoming birthday. I don't know what awful garish thing he was going to foist on me, but before he went haring off to the shops, there was nothing for it but to sit him down, look him straight in the eye, and explain, calmly, rationally and clearly, that intimate underwear is a very personal thing which has to be my own, or anyone's, choice, that if I did not feel comfortable with it and if it didn't sit well on my body I was not going to be in the mood for sex or get sexually aroused, even if he was, which was going to defeat his objective, wasn't it. Also, women's bodies being what they are, bras need to be properly sized and fitted before buying: if they aren't, they start chafing, your boobs overspill, they won't do the job they're actually made for, in which case you cannot wear them, and that of course isn't going to lead to any great erotic experience, either. If he can't use his loaf, put a bit of thought and care into his gifts, get you something related to your likes and interests as a person and partner, if he's dead set on buying you items of clothing and nothing else, then you both choose them together.

Do charity shops accept underwear (even if unworn), I was wondering about this myself the other day. If it's of good quality made by a label I would do what pp have suggested above and just flog the whole lot on Vinted.

DryDays · 30/07/2025 16:00

Mention you need to see/try underwear on to make sure you feel comfortable in it and it fits. No one likes VPL or cups that are too overflowing or underfilled. You could as a pp mention buy him XXS

LaBarucci · 30/07/2025 16:01

Can't seem to edit my post above, so just to add: once you've sold what you can, get yourself a proper treat with the cash, and thank him from the bottom of your heart for the lovely treat you've got with his money.

Flightyandmighty · 30/07/2025 16:01

I’m more concerned for you. Every birthday you get underwear. What about what you would like? Maybe it’s just me but if he’s buying it is there an expectation for you to wear it for him. Underwear should make you feel good it’s not about what he wants. I would be saying no more only vouchers if necessary.

Mmhmmn · 30/07/2025 16:02

Just tell him to stop buying you underwear because simply, it's a very personal thing and he isn't getting it right. It should be very straightforward unless he has a serious personality problem. And tell the MIL to stop too, that she doesn't need to spend big money on underwear, that you like flowers/chocolates/toiletries etc.

RabbitsRock · 30/07/2025 16:03

I don’t think I’d do as many pp’s have suggested & buy the wrong size or hideous underwear for your DH - not very mature. To be honest your post makes me very sad for you OP. To be married to someone seemingly so out of touch with what you like or worse, he knows but just isn’t bothered, is beyond my comprehension.