My DB found a copy of my will and now all hell has broken loose

[senseoftiles]

Not sure where to post this but I need some outside perspective. NC for obvious reasons.

I don’t have children. I’m in my late 30s, single (in a relationship but not married), and I own my home outright, have decent savings/investments, and live a fairly quiet life with my two dogs who are essentially my family.

I recently wrote a will (not dying, just being sensible) and left a copy in my parent's safe. Well, my DB was apparently looking for something in the safe this week and came across it. And now all hell has broken loose.

My will sets up a trust so that whoever takes care of my dogs after I die gets £30k per year, to cover their care and essentially pay a "salary" in recognition. Once the dogs pass, that person inherits the remainder of my estate . I’ve listed my preferred carers in order: my current partner, my best friend, and three ex-boyfriends (all still in my life and responsible people). If none of them are willing/able, I’ve said the dogs should go to a breed-specific rescue that I support, with the same financial provision to the carer, on the condition that it isnt a staff member of the rescue

My DB has now lost it. He is FURIOUS. Apparently it’s “insulting” that I haven’t made any provision for his children (my nieces/nephews), even though he’s financially very well off. They live in a huge home worth a few million, his wife doesn’t work, and the kids are in private school. He says it’s “disgusting” that I’m prioritising dogs over “actual blood relatives” and that he’s not even being offered the chance to take the dogs and get the money.

For context: he hates my dogs, well all dogs really. Has said multiple times they’re dirty, and shouldn't be around his children etc. He refuses to have them in his house and has made it very clear he’d never want them. So I thought I was doing the kindest thing all around, choosing people who genuinely love animals and would care for them properly.

He’s now gone to my parents to complain and they’re caught in the middle. Mum thinks I should “keep the peace” and maybe consider leaving something to his kids to avoid drama. Dad’s staying out of it. My partner knows he has first refusal on the dogs, but nothing about the financial provision.

So… AIBU for leaving my money the way I have? Or should I rethink for the sake of keeping family harmony?

P.S. I’m not rich rich. It’s a decent estate but I’m not talking lottery money here. Just enough to live on comfortably and give the dogs a good life if I go before them.

Oh, for god's sake. I'll admit that seems like an excessive amount to me (when I gave away my mother's dog after her death, I gave those friends £1000 as a one-time gift, and they were touched by my generosity), but you have the right to leave your money however you wish.

I would have been curious to know if you have a close relationship with those nieces/nephews - do they rush over to spend the day with you, choose presents for you at Christmas, confide their secrets to you, and so on?

Your brother is totally in the wrong on several counts, but I'm sure you can't get him to apologize. Your mother is wrong, too. Next time, put papers in an envelope and seal them.

YABU to incentivise whoever is looking after your dogs to polish them off ASAP

I don’t understand the significance of a COPY in her Mum’s safe. Why would anyone keep a COPY in a safe? Where should the ORIGINAL be kept?

A family member, financially pretty well off, no children, always has some kind of slightly insane hunting dog has named my DH as her sole beneficiary in the will for her “house and the contents”. The contents is definitely her dog 😂. We told her the house would always be split with all the siblings if left to us, but yes she provisioned for her dog. It’s her money, her dog, her choice. It’s no one’s business but yours and the people you ask to look after the dogs. Your brother is a class A entitled idiot for reading that and getting annoyed. Utter tool.

Could your mother have told him about the will and nudged him to go and read it? I'd make sure you have it somewhere secure, outside of your parent's safe.

Your nieces and nephew are entitled to precisely nothing. No matter the circumstances, it is your money. That's that. The end.

I wouldn't engage with him at all on this subject, or with anyone else tbh. Not their place to tell you what to do with your own money.

And particularly now he's throwing a testerical tantrum, he wouldn't get the steam off my pudding.

I don’t understand OP, why you put the paperwork in your parent’s safe. You could easily text them or email them the solicitor’s name or firm or paperwork electronically secured.

Surely you knew it would be controversial and easily seen by other family members (such as your DB), who also have access to that safe. It makes it unnecessarily and complicated for family relationships. What a mess.

@senseoftiles My DB has now lost it. He is FURIOUS. Apparently it’s “insulting” that I haven’t made any provision for his children (my nieces/nephews), even though he’s financially very well off. They live in a huge home worth a few million, his wife doesn’t work, and the kids are in private school. He says it’s “disgusting” that I’m prioritising dogs over “actual blood relatives” and that he’s not even being offered the chance to take the dogs and get the money.

First of all, tell him that you are not less of a person than his children are.

Second, tell him to fuck off.

Agree totally!

@thelakeisle I love your use of the term "testerical" tantrum, rather than the more normally used "hysterical", which you obviously know refers to the female organ 😁🌻

Yeah, it's a nifty wee word, I like mantrum instead of tantrum as well, at least when it's accurate, I should have used that too 😇

I have adult kids and am honestly so over other these entitled arses too.

It's her time, her money, her life, her choice - same goes for all of us, if only people would just get over their main character syndrome demands the world would be a much more peaceful place.

If the list of appointed carers applies what’s the point of the ‘trustee’ (supposedly a vet)? It’s just a disposition with a condition. Why a vet as ‘trustee’? Are we supposed to think that the vet will bring a professional eye to the ‘trust’ distribution? So what discretion does the ‘trustee’ have about the ‘responsible’ boyfriends? None, it looks like. What’s to stop an appointed carer neglecting the dogs? What’s to stop an appointed carer disposing of the dogs and inheriting the estate? This isn’t really a trust at all.

And this:
“If none of them are willing/able, I’ve said the dogs should go to a breed-specific rescue that I support, with the same financial provision to the carer, on the condition that it isnt a staff member of the rescue”

What the fuck does that mean? It certainly allows a non-named, appointed carer. So the vet could just appoint his/her mate. The ‘trustee’/vet can legitimately just use the funds for a mate’s benefit.

I cannot believe a solicitor would have agreed to this. It’s a crock of shit.

Edit to say that this is a reply to TourdeFrance.

The one in her parents safe is a copy! Not the original.

So which charities are you leaving your estate to?

Wouldn't it just!!

It is easier if you can get your hands on the will immediately to see what your loved one wants done about certain things. Who the executor is etc

originals can be kept by various people & in England there is a National Registry Wills. Solicitors & Will writers etc and individuals can £(& should) register them there

I wouldn’t grey rock, I’d turn up at his house on the weekend with my dogs, apologise profusely that I had no idea he’d had a change of heart about animals and it was so wonderful he wanted to get to know them, push them through the door as I was talking and clearly plump myself down for a decent length visit with my dogs, encourage them to say hello to the children SERVE HIM FUCKING RIGHT

With your solicitor usually, some banks will still keep them for you, but that's less common these days,

but it should be registered with the National Registry of Wills regardless of where else it's kept.

Thank you - I still don’t understand why OP kept a copy in her Mum’s safe.

In the event of a sudden death, it is useful to have an immediate copy to hand, somewhere safe. We have our wills in our safe as well as with the solicitor. Perhaps she doesn't have anywhere she feels is secure to keep a copy.

This is why we need the laugh emoji :)

Do you dislike your brother and his children?

I know everyone says your money, your choice, but your actions also suggest that you do not like or value your family at all. I guess if you don’t then it all makes sense but if you do, then perhaps just think about how it might look and feel to them. It’s odd and potentially hurtful.

I agree with this. He was totally out of order to read your will but it does come across as a massive fuck you to your actual living human family.

He’s totally wrong to kick off but if I were him I’d be distancing myself massively from you & potentially grey-rocking you as you obviously don’t care about him & his family, so why should he care about you. Sad all round if you were seemingly a loving family before this.

The will won’t mean anything by the time you die as unless something massive happens you will not out live your dogs.

I also can’t imagine not leaving my niece or nephews anything if I had it.

You can do what you want with your money. I wouldn’t have kicked off like your brother did but I would be shocked and definitely think differently of you.

I expect OP will have dogs all her life, so the will may be relevant for many years to come.

The relationship between nieces nephews and aunts can be varied to say the least, some don’t see each other for many years, I come from a family of sixteen natural aunts/uncles and certainly don’t have a close relationship with all.

I suspect that OP doesn’t worry about how her DB thinks of her, he doesn’t seem to approve of her life choices and love for dogs, so shows little respect for her.