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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stag do, 4 nights, abroad, 4 month old baby

272 replies

PeachySmile2 · 14/07/2025 20:54

AIBU for thinking my partner should not want to go on a 4 night stag do, abroad, when our first and only child is going to be 4 months old? I think it’s really selfish that he would leave me to look after the baby alone for all that time when he’s living it up on holiday with a group of his friends. We don’t know what the baby will be like at that time - will it be easy or will it be physically and mentally draining? Either way, he’s sees no problem leaving it all to me. He says my mum can come and stay to help out while he’s away.

I’m more hurt by the fact he doesn’t see any problem with it. He does not think it’s selfish, he thinks I am selfish by him not wanting him to go and is pi$$ed off with me for ‘guilt tripping’ him. I honestly didn’t think he would be like that. I thought he would grow up and put his family first. Or am I being dramatic? None of the other guys going on this trip have kids. Does he realise he’s not in the same position as them any more?

One of the stags started planning before we found out about the baby, apparently the villa is booked at a cost of £210. We are lucky that we can afford to lose that £210 if he does not go.

Please be honest and tell me if I’m being unreasonable. I feel it would be different if it was a 1 or 2 night trip but 4 nights just feels like he’s taking the mickey.

OP posts:
ItsAMoooPoint · 15/07/2025 09:43

I understand you being worried about it, but honestly you'll be fine. By the time your baby is 4 months old you'll feel like you've been a mum forever so you'll know exactly what to do.

My husband started travelling when our baby was 4 weeks old (for work) and it was fine. The baby only slept when being fed, held or right next to me, so I just slept when baby slept and didn't do any housework while he was away 🤷🏻‍♀️ I also had to solo-parent a breastfed baby while suffering with norovirus and survived that too 😅 Again, did the bare minimum and was just grateful the baby wasn't yet being weaned so I didn't have to get out of bed to feed him.

It can be tiring, but there is an end in sight so it's definitely manageable. You will be fine.

ohpoowhatnow · 15/07/2025 09:45

I wouldn’t mind personally!

YControl · 15/07/2025 09:49

I think it's normal to feel a bit daunted by the idea of being alone with a baby for all that time but it's generally ok.
Different situation because it wasn't by choice but my DH works away most weeks and was offshore after his paternity leave ended at 2/3 weeks and we were fine.

If your mum can stay to provide a bit of help and adult company even for a night or so that will give you a bit of a breather, and by 4 months you should hopefully have a bit of a daytime routine and some mum friends.

I think what can be tricky is that often men are able to go away earlier - my husband was away for work and then I think a festival abroad within the first few months whereas it took me much longer to be able to leave the kids (they are a bit older now so I can't remember exactly how long!).

I think this on most threads like this though - regardless of how hard you think it's going to be, you have to be able to look after your kids alone and cope. I've got some friends who get their mum's round or go and stay with someone every single time their partner is away for a night or so and I always think I'd hate to be that vulnerable.

Luckyingame · 15/07/2025 10:05

YABU.

Mortima · 15/07/2025 12:50

YANBU to be wary. You're right, you have no idea what things will be like until you're doing it. Babies vary hugely, but 4 months is a very common time for a lot of sleep disruption. I found it one of the hardest points of the whole first year - clearly not everyone has that experience, but you have no way of knowing yet (also whether other factors might be at play, e.g. PND).

I think if it was important to DH, I would have sucked it up and coped, but equally he wouldn't have insisted on going if he knew I was struggling. I think you just have to wait until closer to the time, if it's already paid for.

ellie09 · 15/07/2025 12:58

YABU

It seems daunting now as you have not yet had baby, but 4 months in and you will be settled into a routine.

You will need his help before he goes away though - to ensure house is stocked with nappies, mill, essentials etc. I would also meal prep some dinners to keep in freezer for easy dinners you dont need to prep with a baby on your own. It will help those days seem easier.

Also, plan some nice things for the time he is away! Arrange coffee dates with friends, go and see family, arrange a road trip for some walks etc with baby. Staying in the house for 4 days will feel much worse.

Your DP is going on a stag do for a few days that you have plenty of notice for to plan accordingly. Its not just a lads holiday and very much a one off. I wouldnt have an issue with him going away for some me time.

Could you also book a girls holiday with anyone when baby is a bit older (6 months +) so that you have something to look forward to as well? Even if its just a weekend away?

Skyrise · 15/07/2025 13:15

You'll be fine at four months. Worst case scenario, it's hard and you muddle through, but your DH owes you big time!

WitcheryDivine · 15/07/2025 13:16

It’s completely different to going away for work though, that’s non optional. And OP hasn’t said her mum can definitely come and help, just that her husband has said she should.

OP if he’s definitely going it is his job to meal prep and stock the freezer before his trip and make sure there’s at least one decent meal a day all the time he’s away. When my little one was 4 months I was breastfeeding her genuinely 5 hours a day, one of us mainly me was probably holding her (when she was asleep or awake) or shushing her to sleep about 10-12 hours a day and she was playing or in her crib the rest of the time. I did have a shower every day but I definitely didn’t always have time to cook or even prep food depending when she needed feeding. Doable during a work day but difficult when my OH was away for one or two nights. Would have needed definitely reinforcements for 4 nights or I’d have probably had a horrible time and not managed to eat properly, not have slept more than 2 hours at a trot. It’s survivable but grim and id be wanting a compromise to he gets everything prepped and then goes for just two nights.

Toomanyweedsoutthere · 15/07/2025 13:26

I wouldn't have an issue with this, as long as you would also be "allowed" to go on a girls' holiday another time leaving baby with him.

PurpleThistle7 · 15/07/2025 13:30

I read your replies so I'm glad you're feeling better about it. My husband had his first work trip away when my daughter was perhaps 2 months old and travelled regularly from then. We are immigrants so I never had any help - just got on with it really.

We haven't been great about prioritising time for either of us away from the kids and haven't been away together without them at all (again, no real option to do so but we also haven't tried that hard) and it's not been a great decision as our marriage and our mental health both aren't great. So if you can afford it and you have the option of some sort of support if you really need it I'd encourage you to just wave him off with a smile - and then make a plan for your own break at some point. Otherwise you might find you put it off for too long and don't know how to start!

Fundayout2025 · 15/07/2025 13:52

ellie09 · 15/07/2025 12:58

YABU

It seems daunting now as you have not yet had baby, but 4 months in and you will be settled into a routine.

You will need his help before he goes away though - to ensure house is stocked with nappies, mill, essentials etc. I would also meal prep some dinners to keep in freezer for easy dinners you dont need to prep with a baby on your own. It will help those days seem easier.

Also, plan some nice things for the time he is away! Arrange coffee dates with friends, go and see family, arrange a road trip for some walks etc with baby. Staying in the house for 4 days will feel much worse.

Your DP is going on a stag do for a few days that you have plenty of notice for to plan accordingly. Its not just a lads holiday and very much a one off. I wouldnt have an issue with him going away for some me time.

Could you also book a girls holiday with anyone when baby is a bit older (6 months +) so that you have something to look forward to as well? Even if its just a weekend away?

Why would someone need help before going away. It's not that bloody long ago that women were back at work full time by the time the baby was 4 months. Everyone didnt fall to pieces

nam3c4ang3 · 15/07/2025 13:56

What?! OP you'll be fine. it's 4 days not 4 weeks, and you'll have help! My husband left me for 3 weeks 1 day after i gave birth, i had zero help. It was fine - he had work planned and the baby was late. You'll be fine.

ellie09 · 15/07/2025 14:14

Fundayout2025 · 15/07/2025 13:52

Why would someone need help before going away. It's not that bloody long ago that women were back at work full time by the time the baby was 4 months. Everyone didnt fall to pieces

Edited
Show quote history

Just a nice thing to do to make sure that everything that is needed is to hand in the house.

Of course it isnt crucial, but it will make those days easier to navigate if OP has anxieties.

There are single mums out there from day 1, doing it alone, so of course it isnt required!

Rubyshoes12 · 15/07/2025 14:19

I think it’s normal to be apprehensive of how things will be when your partner is away and your baby is still little.

But as a mother to young children I say let him go, it is really healthy for both of you to have your own time. I’m really grateful for my DH for looking after DC so I could go away or out with friends and vice versa. We are a team and are 50/50. He is an incredible parent and is very capable. You know your DP, is he supportive? Do you think he’ll be a hands on dad? If so, let him go!

I had my DM over for a couple of nights when my DH went away and my baby was young.

It might seem scary now but you’ll be fine, you’ll do it

ASimpleLampoon · 15/07/2025 14:23

When Will you be getting a four night stay away?

Will his Dad be coming to help with baby when you do?

namestealer · 15/07/2025 17:54

I know it's daunting, but it will be fine! I have a 4mo and an almost 4yo and my DH has just got back from a month away (mainly work, some holiday tagged into the end as he's unlikely to go back again and it's long haul). It was fine. Tiring but fine!

minipie · 15/07/2025 17:58

I think you’ll likely be ok for 4 nights - although if you have a bad sleeper it will be tough and I would make it a condition that he does a couple of nights pre and post trip (or all but feeds if you are BF).

I also think a 4 night stag do is ridiculous but that’s not his choice I guess.

Minerbird · 15/07/2025 18:02

My husband worked overseas all the time when my 3 were babies. He went to Hong Kong 3 weeks after I had a caesarean and I also had a 17 month old. He was gone for 3 weeks.
I think you’re being unreasonable - single mothers cope with everything!

Chinsupmeloves · 15/07/2025 18:02

WhereAreMyKids · 14/07/2025 21:08

If the birth goes well and you and baby are healthy, it's not a big issue in my book. Dh was travelling for work straight after his paternity leave, we didn't have any family around. We found our way.

Agree! When you have a DH who works away you adapt and get used to it. Sometimes it's actually easier because you have your own routine. So a few days is nothing when used to it. Xx

Laura95167 · 15/07/2025 18:07

He committed before DC so I dont think hes BU TBH.

I understand why youre scared, but I dont think that means he shouldn't go

LouiseK93 · 15/07/2025 18:07

Yeah it is selfish, especially to not ask how you feel about it first.
Men are so easy to get up and leave women holding the baby aren't they? We can't just piss off for four nights 😂

Dawnb19 · 15/07/2025 18:07

It mad how many people are saying they would be ok with it. They wouldn't be saying that if it was the mother wanting to go away for 4 nights. Personally neither me or my partner would leave a baby for that long to go out partying with friends abroad.

JenniferBooth · 15/07/2025 18:15

Beaniebobbins · 14/07/2025 21:03

Your mum might be more help than him. It might be easier to have a few days without him.

yes cant help noticing that the DH has thought of the nearest vagina owner and hasnt suggested a male relative. When someone shows you who they are....................

knor · 15/07/2025 18:25

I think it really depends how you feel when the baby is here (which I appreciate, is not an ideal answer.)
you might feel totally chill about it and not worry or you might be finding it really tough.

I don’t think you can stop him going so if he is going, definitely think about having someone to stay and help.

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