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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Stag do, 4 nights, abroad, 4 month old baby

272 replies

PeachySmile2 · 14/07/2025 20:54

AIBU for thinking my partner should not want to go on a 4 night stag do, abroad, when our first and only child is going to be 4 months old? I think it’s really selfish that he would leave me to look after the baby alone for all that time when he’s living it up on holiday with a group of his friends. We don’t know what the baby will be like at that time - will it be easy or will it be physically and mentally draining? Either way, he’s sees no problem leaving it all to me. He says my mum can come and stay to help out while he’s away.

I’m more hurt by the fact he doesn’t see any problem with it. He does not think it’s selfish, he thinks I am selfish by him not wanting him to go and is pi$$ed off with me for ‘guilt tripping’ him. I honestly didn’t think he would be like that. I thought he would grow up and put his family first. Or am I being dramatic? None of the other guys going on this trip have kids. Does he realise he’s not in the same position as them any more?

One of the stags started planning before we found out about the baby, apparently the villa is booked at a cost of £210. We are lucky that we can afford to lose that £210 if he does not go.

Please be honest and tell me if I’m being unreasonable. I feel it would be different if it was a 1 or 2 night trip but 4 nights just feels like he’s taking the mickey.

OP posts:
Blueuggboots · 15/07/2025 18:28

Well obviously, you’ll be planning a four day solo trip the week after won’t you?!!

llittledoveblue · 15/07/2025 18:35

op, in the kindest way I think you’re being a bit over the top. It’s not the most ideal timing but he is allowed to be his own person as well as a partner/dad.

if Anything I think you should encourage him to go. It will do him good to have a break and he can return the favour to you when he gets home by doing extra with the bag or around the house etc.
youre more than capable. People do it alone 24/7.

makingthecut · 15/07/2025 18:39

It’s fine IMO. Your baby will not be a newborn and you’ll know what you’re doing. You could book your mum in now just in case.

And book your own trip away when you’re ready too.

I don’t think him going on the trip is selfish or wrong.

Happyonfriday · 15/07/2025 18:50

you’ll be fine and I think you’re being selfish suggesting cancelling now. perhaps things will be different nearer the time but I do think you just suck it up so to speak.

be organised with meals made and you just have to reheat (if you think that’ll help nearer the time, food shop done before he leaves that sorta thing). Maybe you could go stay with your mum for a few days? Or maybe just stay home but have MIL on standby for a break if it’s needed.

My husband went away for 5 days when our baby was 4 weeks old… (that I had to take him to the airport at 4am for) was absolutely fine!
lovely peaceful couple of nights on my own. I was always out and about anyway so I just did my usual through the day and chilled at night.

MightyDandelionEsq · 15/07/2025 18:58

YANBU

If you want the support of your partner at 4 months post partum then you should be able to ask for it.

It’s better he knows now so he doesn’t spend money. Personally I loved having my DH when he came home from work in the first 6 months. I had a colicky baby and needed the respite at 6pm every day. Had no idea I’d have such a difficult baby, you can never know until they’re here.

MightyDandelionEsq · 15/07/2025 19:02

PeachySmile2 · 14/07/2025 21:35

He has me asked this question too. When we aren’t in the newborn trenches? But when would that end? We won’t know until it does

Show quote history

I just want to say that everyone telling you to get a grip or you’re being silly are really annoying me.

if you feel you need him home, then he should stay home. It’s your relationship, it’s your child, it’s up to you to lay out what you think is acceptable for you as a Mother of a new baby.

In my opinion it’s already setting a precedent that you have to take on the baby whilst he’s on a jolly.

Some people have a really easy time, some don’t. Don’t make concrete plans if you can help it as you never know what your child will be like.

GiveDogBone · 15/07/2025 19:03

It’ll be fine, organise a rota of both parents to help.

Bryonyberries · 15/07/2025 19:09

At four months most babies are in a routine and much easier than at other times in the first year. Four days isn’t that long. Just make sure you get time out when you need it too.

telestrations · 15/07/2025 19:11

I completely understand your nervousness at this having only become a Mum just under a year ago. You don't know what it's like at all and then every baby is different and every stage is different from the bit before and other babies and parents. The only certain things is that you have to adapt.

And maybe this is why you're so alarmed, so far at the first real test of your DHs adaptability he's showing none. No understanding that you may no longer be able to afford it or you facilitate him going at all. The baby could be sick or you could be sick. Instead you are being expected to sign up for something you can't agree to as you don't know

Having said that though it will likely be fine if not a good idea and if you prep for it right might even consistent a break for both of you. My DH recently went away for the first time and before he did we both cleaned the house, made sure the laundry was all done, got my favourite easy to make food in and the freezer was stockpiled with DSs favourite baby foods. And me and DD just hung out. It was the most restful period of my mat leave!

Awee · 15/07/2025 19:12

My husband went away to a festival for 5 nights when my daughter was 10 weeks old. I encouraged him to go.

It was totally fine. I just made sure he helped get everything ready at home before he went. We stocked up on healthy ready meals so I had easy to cook food and I just saw family over the weekend so I had company

WonderingWanda · 15/07/2025 19:12

I think it's entirely reasonable op. You will have 4 months to get the hang of things and no baby is so difficult you can't muddle through for 4 days without help. Women all over the world get on with the bulk of childrearing and you are capable too. These days with online food shops, amazon, deliveroo, online pharmacy's etc there is very little you couldn't get delivered in an emergency. As long as at the time of the stag do you and baby are both well it's fine for him to go. Of course if you came down with a horrific gastro bug and he didn't cancel, then yes he would be a twat. Socials lives don't need to end for either of because you've had a baby.

chunkybear · 15/07/2025 19:15

My DH was heavily into international sports so I had multiple occasions with small child/children with him away, my parents are dead and his are more work rather than a help, so I just managed it. It's actually fine, get into your routine, sleep when the child sleeps and don't try to make any hard plans over that time so you can just chill at home
I assume you've only just found out about the baby but life does go on so just chill and remember people do not all the time, you'll be fine!

OhcantthInkofaname · 15/07/2025 19:17

You are barely pregnant and then coming up with bizarre scenarios. It's okay for him to go away for four nights when your child is four months.

mmsnet · 15/07/2025 19:17

YABU

JenniferBooth · 15/07/2025 19:29

WonderingWanda · 15/07/2025 19:12

I think it's entirely reasonable op. You will have 4 months to get the hang of things and no baby is so difficult you can't muddle through for 4 days without help. Women all over the world get on with the bulk of childrearing and you are capable too. These days with online food shops, amazon, deliveroo, online pharmacy's etc there is very little you couldn't get delivered in an emergency. As long as at the time of the stag do you and baby are both well it's fine for him to go. Of course if you came down with a horrific gastro bug and he didn't cancel, then yes he would be a twat. Socials lives don't need to end for either of because you've had a baby.

Women all over the world EXACTLY WOMEN the expectation is always on women. Thats why some of us sidestepped this altogether

purpleygrey · 15/07/2025 19:36

You’ll be fine for 4 nights on your own.

WonderingWanda · 15/07/2025 19:38

JenniferBooth · 15/07/2025 19:29

Women all over the world EXACTLY WOMEN the expectation is always on women. Thats why some of us sidestepped this altogether

Show quote history

My dh and I both take time away from the kids....my point was to demonstrate that op is more than capable of coping with a baby. While you are correct there are still many imbalances in parenting I really don't think banning men from any sort of social event is going to fix that. Is that what you are suggesting by sidestepping the problem?

JenniferBooth · 15/07/2025 19:43

WonderingWanda · 15/07/2025 19:38

My dh and I both take time away from the kids....my point was to demonstrate that op is more than capable of coping with a baby. While you are correct there are still many imbalances in parenting I really don't think banning men from any sort of social event is going to fix that. Is that what you are suggesting by sidestepping the problem?

Show quote history

No i meant sidestepping parenthood. Im child free by choice

August1980 · 15/07/2025 19:44

It will be hard OP, but not impossible! My hubby went back to work when little one was 6. Weeks old. He travels for work every week. He is in the us this week so we won’t even talk with the time difference.
if neither parent can help you what about a nanny for those days. You don’t have to leave the baby alone with the nanny. I had a nanny come 2-6pm just so I could have a shower/cook etc. it helped my confidence too with my first as In getting out and about. We did an afternoon walk together which helped get baby and I some Fresh air and the dog too! You will likely have loads to baby activities by that age - we certainly had a class every mid morning. The evenings are just a little lonely when she is asleep but it is what it is! Congrats by the way…

WonderingWanda · 15/07/2025 19:45

JenniferBooth · 15/07/2025 19:43

No i meant sidestepping parenthood. Im child free by choice

Show quote history

Ah, that makes more sense....probably not very helpful advice to the op who is presumable already pregnant.

okayhescereal · 15/07/2025 19:56

It's an uncertain time when it's your first baby and you have no idea what to expect. I can understand where you're coming from. Think some of the comments here are unnecessarily harsh.

Based on personal experience and stories from others, I agree with a lot of people on this thread that you will be fine (my husband left us when the baby was 11 days old as there was a family emergency, we were fine, but had that been mentioned when I was pregnant I wouldn't have wanted to even entertain the idea!!). If there are any complications etc then you can review if necessary, but assuming all goes well and you're all healthy all will be fine.

It does throw into light that your life is about to change more than his, at first. It's unlikely you'd be able to/want to go away when the little one is 4 months old (not everyone is like this of course, before anyone jumps on me) and as the one who is pregnant you're already in that place where you're adapting to the new reality of being a parent. For most (again not all) men that really doesn't hit home until the child is older, more interactive with them and they can really step into that dad role. I'm massively stereotyping, but this does reflect my experience/experience from friends. So he's able to plan ahead and commit to something whereas you're already thinking about the new reality and adapting accordingly. It's one of the most frustrating parts of becoming a family, you see threads on here all the time where the mother has certain expectations or thoughts and the father is labelled clueless/unreasonable/a man child or she's told to suck it up and not have concerns about the huge reality shift she's heading into. It has required umpteen conversations with my DH to get us to a point where we are more on the same page about sharing the workload of family life. Just because you can go away doesn't always mean you should. But it took a lot of work to get to that point. Including a 4 day stag when our son was 4 months old...weirdly! All the parents on the stag left on day 3, the non parents and my DH stayed until it was pointed out to him he's no longer in that category at which point he chose to return home!

We have a phrase of 'are we thriving or surviving?', you can often survive, but with both of you there its easier. Then every so often a big thing like this comes up and you think 'hey, we'll survive!'

okayhescereal · 15/07/2025 19:59

telestrations · 15/07/2025 19:11

I completely understand your nervousness at this having only become a Mum just under a year ago. You don't know what it's like at all and then every baby is different and every stage is different from the bit before and other babies and parents. The only certain things is that you have to adapt.

And maybe this is why you're so alarmed, so far at the first real test of your DHs adaptability he's showing none. No understanding that you may no longer be able to afford it or you facilitate him going at all. The baby could be sick or you could be sick. Instead you are being expected to sign up for something you can't agree to as you don't know

Having said that though it will likely be fine if not a good idea and if you prep for it right might even consistent a break for both of you. My DH recently went away for the first time and before he did we both cleaned the house, made sure the laundry was all done, got my favourite easy to make food in and the freezer was stockpiled with DSs favourite baby foods. And me and DD just hung out. It was the most restful period of my mat leave!

The last paragraph here is just chefs kiss great!! My DH also used to do this before he went away. Could I have survived without it? Absolutely! Was it way nicer in every way to thrive with it? 100%!!

Great advice here @PeachySmile2

BeMintSwan · 15/07/2025 20:03

Would your mum not jump at the chance to spend 4 days quality time with her daughter and new grand child, just the three of you? I know I would, even if I had to take time off work.

OohhhhhBigStretch · 15/07/2025 20:07

I wouldn’t have an issue with this, my dh worked away when our dd was little and it was fine.

I think as long as he is a present father and pulls his weight in everything else, it’ll do him good to get away with his friends for a few days. I’d bank it and make sure he knew you’ll be cashing in at some point and taking yourself off for time with either friends or family.

dcthatsme · 15/07/2025 20:08

We women are toughies! See how you fell when the baby is 3 months. If all is well make sure you have some support while he’s away. Main thing is to try and get a nap in to keep yourself going. Presumably though if you’re having a tough time he can always rethink the length of his trip. Or even whether to go at all.