Stag do, 4 nights, abroad, 4 month old baby

[PeachySmile2]

AIBU for thinking my partner should not want to go on a 4 night stag do, abroad, when our first and only child is going to be 4 months old? I think it’s really selfish that he would leave me to look after the baby alone for all that time when he’s living it up on holiday with a group of his friends. We don’t know what the baby will be like at that time - will it be easy or will it be physically and mentally draining? Either way, he’s sees no problem leaving it all to me. He says my mum can come and stay to help out while he’s away.

I’m more hurt by the fact he doesn’t see any problem with it. He does not think it’s selfish, he thinks I am selfish by him not wanting him to go and is pi$$ed off with me for ‘guilt tripping’ him. I honestly didn’t think he would be like that. I thought he would grow up and put his family first. Or am I being dramatic? None of the other guys going on this trip have kids. Does he realise he’s not in the same position as them any more?

One of the stags started planning before we found out about the baby, apparently the villa is booked at a cost of £210. We are lucky that we can afford to lose that £210 if he does not go.

Please be honest and tell me if I’m being unreasonable. I feel it would be different if it was a 1 or 2 night trip but 4 nights just feels like he’s taking the mickey.

It’s four nights, not four weeks. Of course he should go.

I was just thinking about breastfeeding. It might be problematic if she chooses to breastfeed and then was having to express enough while she was away. Obvs OP can decide herself what's best for her. I suppose I was focusing on that its important she gets time off too.

YABU life goes on when you have a baby. Some days are hard and some days are easy but life just goes on.

I’d say it’s easier to go away / solo parent when they’re tiny. Absolutely. Still plenty of napping in the day! If your mum can come and help, all the better. I’d have rather stayed home solo with a 4 month old than a 4 year old, honestly.

Let him go for it - and bank it! Look forward to your own mini break when you’re wanting one!!

It was planned and paid for before you were pregnant, so I don’t really see the issue with him going.
Assuming he works, he’ll be back to work after paternity leave after a few weeks, so you’ll be well versed in handling the day time baby care without him, you’ll likely have some sort of loose nighttime routine by then as well.
My exH deployed to Afghanistan for 6 months when my eldest was 17 months old and my middle one was just 16 days old. I was completely terrified of the idea of flying solo with such a tiny baby…..but honestly the practical side of it was nowhere near as hard as I expected. You get into the swing of your day once they’ve been gone the first night.
You'll be fine. Then he’ll come back after his trip and be in the way of your routine 🫠🫠😂😂😂 And once baby is a little older, you’ve got a free pass for a weekend away with your friends and he can handle the baby.

I actually think it’s not about whether OP can manage with a baby on her own for four nights. Of course she will be able to. Us women always do.

The issue is the DH thinking his life doesn’t have to change with a baby and just carrying on with his social life as normal.

If he thinks it’s ok to just fuck off on a 4 night holiday when the baby is 4 months old I’m sure he will then follow it up with yet more pathetic ‘lads’ holidays and numerous hobbies, leaving OP as default parent.

I think it's normal to still be excited by other things beyond your closest family unit - even though it is so very exciting having a new baby! You have plenty of time to plan some support, and if things are really, really difficult at the time then his plans will just have to change if things are that extreme. However, most likely you will have a straightforward situation. Also, the first time you do pretty much anything with a new baby it's hard, and then once you've done it, you know you can do it. I was nervous the first time I was on my own overnight with mine, the first time I took mine on a train/plane on my own, etc. etc. - but then it's done! I'm so pleased I've done so much with mine on my own as it means I'm so confident with them on my own and we have adventures together. I have friends where both parents (of a 4 year old) have to take her to things together because they're not used to handling her on their own!

Honestly OP, let him go and enjoy himself, it’s a one-off event to go to his friends stag do, you’ll be fine. By 4 months old you’ll likely have a decent routine going. Pre-arrange for your mum or MIL to help out for a day or 2 if you think you will want some help.

For context my husband worked away 4 nights a week every week from when our youngest was 3 months old (we also had a 2.5 year old), you learn to adapt, ask for help and do what’s needed to keep everyone alive, no need to be keeping the house spotless and doing extra chores whilst he’s away!

Maybe he could do 2 nights?

Childbirth and pregnancy takes a massive tole on your body. Some take a long time to recover..I was in a terrible state mentally and physically for much longer than 4 months. Obviously this does not happen to everyone and you will likely be absolutely fine. However you won't know until you have had the baby. At 4 months postpartum I would not expect my partner to go or want to go on a stag do. Can you play it by ear,.if your doing well and feel ok about watching the baby alone then he goes but if you could use the support due to numerous possible reasons ( no sleep, bad mental health, colicy baby etc) then he stays and supports ?

Seems fine as long as you get your own time away (should you want it). Life doesn’t stop when you have a baby.

I don’t get the issue with posts like this, I mean if the baby was 4 days old maybe but 4 months 🙄

4 nights?! These stag and hen dos have got out of hand imho.

You have set your bar very low with him, he is not going to step up and be a man, not now, not ever.

Anyway, as I said earlier if he agrees to a last minute cancellation if you need him, all good. Nobody knows how you or the baby will be going at 4 months.

On this site, a baby needs to be constantly monitored at all times by both parents if it suits the respondent, but at the same time mums should be back at work full time with lochia still streaming down their legs, if the wind changes that day.

The reality is that you may have a difficult birth or early months and yes you may need him, or you might be fine. Such is life if he has to cancel.

Just ensure that he has promised he will stay back if you need him to, as yes you might need him to.

I doubt he'll bother to do so though, sounds like he does what he likes - but then at least you will have gained some insight.

A 4 night stag do does seem so frivolous when you you have a baby. Are they going abroad for it?

And they generally have to be abroad

I actually think this every time I have a rough day and I get frustrated with hubby just not being available to help. It really puts things into perspective and I snap out of it pretty quickly. Respect to single parents out there.

Exactly this.

i am still suffering with PPD and PPA 2 and a half years on. I know I’ve struggled with leaving my daughter in general but I have only recently been able to manage over night sleep overs. I definitely would not want to be apart from her much longer than that.

my husband has done 2 nights away for fishing and he really missed her. I still found it hard even though I have a routine now. But wouldn’t have done anything that first year.

When I went back to work I had the opportunity for training in London (I’m Yorkshire) I got a train there and back each day for 3 days because I just couldn’t not see her for that long. I do think it’s hard to imagine how you’ll feel until the situation arises. I thought I would enjoy being back at work but I hated it.

My ex worked 12-hour night shifts in blocks of 4 nights so I was always home alone with the baby from 2 weeks after DD was born. I loved it! I had the baby all to myself. I assume you’ll still be on mat leave when your DH goes to the stag do? So you don’t have to worry about anything. Just enjoy your time with your baby.

Yes but the OP is not a single parent so it's not a accurate comparison.

Baby will be four months old when he has a break? Let him go if it can be afforded. He sounds a decent chap, and you will be a highly competent Mum by then. You could have a fun time with your Mum and baby, too. Out for a coffee, walks in the park, cooing over the little one, helping you out if something is stressful and letting you have a rest. If you get on with her, she might like the idea of mothering you for a while.

I'm in the minority here. Your post makes it seem like your husband was reacting like an entitled child . Instead of trying to understand that you might be feeling insecure about caring for a newborn, he said you were selfish. I agree with you that he needs to stop acting like a carefree bachelor and grow up. It's not that he wants to go to the party, it's the way he's treating you. I think these elaborate stag and hen dos are ridiculous.I've seen a lot of posts here saying they cause relationship problems.

But having a child doesn’t mean you both have to stop all other fun. You BOTH deserve and need time away from the family unit and that’s ok. You just need to make sure you get your time too.
You might not want a trip away so early but you do deserve your own time.

It’s healthy to have a life outside of being parents and this is a special trip for him.

Would he be happy if you did the same ?

Of course, you're going to be a little nervous with your first, not knowing how the new baby is going to be and your age plays a part, at 20, I'd have not wanted to be left alone for 4 days with my first, at 40, 3 kids down it'd just be another few days but with less help.

At four months old, the baby will likely be asleep for 12-16 hours per day, pig out, order that takeout, invite a friend over, and I'm sure he has zero expectations from you while he's away.

Parenting when you're used to there being two of you, and for whatever reason for a time there's only one, can be really hard.

As mums, we often show a lot of empathy about this in the first few months, and then (as shown on here) as time goes on, yes, I'm sure it is that 'we'll just get on with it'. So you'll have the comments you've got about 'you'll cope' now, If you asked and your baby was a year old, you'd be getting much less empathy, and they are toddlers or school age, the overwhelming response with bafflement. That's how much empathy we often got, and we pass it on to others in turn.

But personally, and anecdotally from friends, it doesn't work like that in reality. Lots of us find our partner's going away incredibly difficult with juggling the kids, well into school age. I managed my husband going away for a night when had a my eldest was a few weeks old, with barely a thought - I was on mat leave. I didn't have to be anywhere. When he went away overnight when they were 4 and 6, I got 20 minutes of sleep the entire night, then I had to take eldest to school, youngest to preschool and do a day of work.

But you just get on with it, because by that stage of parenting no one cares that you're knackered. It's your complete norm anyway.

I guess my point is, you may as well let him go with your blessing, because if you wait for it to be easy then you might be waiting a very long time. 4 months, within a mobile first child and on maternity leave is probably about as good as it gets, even if there's a sleep regression.