Stag do, 4 nights, abroad, 4 month old baby

[PeachySmile2]

AIBU for thinking my partner should not want to go on a 4 night stag do, abroad, when our first and only child is going to be 4 months old? I think it’s really selfish that he would leave me to look after the baby alone for all that time when he’s living it up on holiday with a group of his friends. We don’t know what the baby will be like at that time - will it be easy or will it be physically and mentally draining? Either way, he’s sees no problem leaving it all to me. He says my mum can come and stay to help out while he’s away.

I’m more hurt by the fact he doesn’t see any problem with it. He does not think it’s selfish, he thinks I am selfish by him not wanting him to go and is pi$$ed off with me for ‘guilt tripping’ him. I honestly didn’t think he would be like that. I thought he would grow up and put his family first. Or am I being dramatic? None of the other guys going on this trip have kids. Does he realise he’s not in the same position as them any more?

One of the stags started planning before we found out about the baby, apparently the villa is booked at a cost of £210. We are lucky that we can afford to lose that £210 if he does not go.

Please be honest and tell me if I’m being unreasonable. I feel it would be different if it was a 1 or 2 night trip but 4 nights just feels like he’s taking the mickey.

It’s 4 days with a 4 month old and both families on hand to help. I know it’s not a race to the bottom and everyone’s different etc etc, but my oh has worked offshore for 20 years, I have no family and he’s estranged from his, I’ve managed 3 children on my own apart from his 2 weeks paternity for each one, on top of running a small holding of up to 150 animals at a time. You’ll be fine op

I would have found this very difficult as my baby was a terrible sleeper and quite fussy. Four days is a long time. But if you have family help you should be ok.

I would be ok with this and I think it's pretty unreasonable to kick up a fuss if it's a one off (ie. he's not planning on disappearing off every other w/e with his mates).

You both need to be able to do things without the baby; if you are BFing obviously that will take longer for you then for him but, for the sake of your marriage, don't be a dog in a manger.

If he’s generally good, I’d not get too hung up about this right now and agree that he goes as long as everything’s under control at home. You can then reassess closer to the time, if he’s a good husband he won’t leave his struggling wife for 4 days anyway?

In theory this sounds ok. Unless you have a difficult birth or you have concerns about the baby then you should be fine by yourself, especially if family can visit.
As others have said by 4 months you might be in more of a routine and they will hopefully be sleeping longer. It's definitely easier to be on your own at that age than with a toddler.

I wouldn’t expect a dedicated father to think about leaving a 4 month old for that long unless it was a necessity.

MN seems very odd for this. I don’t know a single man who would go away for a 4 night jolly leaving his wife behind with a young baby! (And I know a lot of families with young children at the moment). Maybe I just move in nicer circles than most on here…?!

OP, why can’t he just do 2 nights? 4 is ridiculous! Then your mum can come for days 1-2 and his mum can come for day 3. And yes he can stock up fridge beforehand with all meals plus some treats for you. Plus of course you get to go away for same length of time when baby is older and you feel happy / able to leave them.

I'd be disappointed he didn't feel he wanted to stay and parent. I see lots of couples when nothing changes for the man when a baby is born..same ability to keep up with personal life and events when the woman's life is severely limited. Something to be sure to discuss so there isn't horrendous unfairness. Congratulations and good luck

Two is MUCH harder than one on your own, especially at night. I remember when I was on my own with a baby (i can't remember how old but a few months) and a 2.5yo. All was fine until about 2:30am when one of them woke the other one up and then they were both awake, howling and screaming and I could have gotten either one of them back to sleep but not BOTH of them back to sleep at the same time so we all had to get up, at 2:30am to stop everyone screaming. It was definitely a low point 😂

This is exactly what I mean. I can’t understand why he would want to go and leave us - out of choice - at such an early stage.

4 months was a horrible time for us. My baby hit the 4 month sleep regression HARD. He woke up every 60-90 minutes, I had a breakdown from sleep deprivation around that time.

In a way though, now at 11 months, it's even harder to manage by myself as a mobile baby is 100x harder.

So really, there is no ideal time in the first year or so.

People saying you should then get the same break...yeah, realistically, it won't happen. If you're breastfeeding, you won't be able to have a break away for a LONG time. And even if you are not, you will be the primary caregiver and won't be able to go on a jolly with a small baby at home.

And yes, you can bank it for later, but babysitting a 4 year old is not nearly as hard as a 4 month old so there is no equality in that situation.

Women get the raw end of the deal with babies. There is no winning. Your life will change, his won't.

You can insist he doesn't go but he'll either 1) dig his heels in or 2) resent it and throw it in your face at every opportunity.

What age would you think it acceptable that he goes away?

My husband went on a 4 night stag do when our son was 4m, in February too, coincidentally.

He had started his 4m sleep regression at that point, so sleep was worse, but honestly it was a lot easier at that age than either earlier or later.

I took my son up to my parents on the train, and he either fed or slept. He couldn't even roll yet, and was highly portable, and easily distracted by a shiny light.

Which is not to say that him setting you up very carefully for the coming days with food and supplies isn't important, and calling it off if needed. My son was awful with his first cold and my husband nearly quit the trip but he picked up just before the trip.

Going against the grain here - I would not be happy about it at all. My son still woke up every 2h at that point and I was exhausted. No way I would have been happy for DH to go away for 4 nights.

He has me asked this question too. When we aren’t in the newborn trenches? But when would that end? We won’t know until it does

YABU.

Newborn trenches is the first 3m....

There is no defined line or marked ending to the newborn phase really though, it just kind of changes and different challenges come along in the next stage and phase of parenting. That is just parenting. It just gradually changes and you adapt without even realising. Then before you know you've got a 2 year old. And then you blink and they're 4 and graduating nursery.

The right answer is when it's ok for either of you to go. But he won't like that as it won't be the case for a very long time.

Honestly I understand your worry but you will be fine. By 4 months the baby is interactive and more fun!

One of the best lessons as a new parent is that both of your lives don’t need to stop once you have a child. Of course they become the centre of your universe, but the best parents aren’t codependent with their children and carve out some time to be themselves as an adult now and again. Let him go, enjoy a long weekend of time to yourself with baby and when you feel ready, book yourself a spa day/weekend/break with your mum or a friend or something and your husband can take a weekend bonding with the baby.

I am surprised he wants to.

My DH went to best mates wedding in Ireland, arrived as late as possible the night before and left as early as possible the morning after and text every few hours. Ds probably 4 or 5 months but nothing had gone well and we weren't doing so well.

4 nights feels excessive for a stag anyway but I wouldn't be telling dh that he couldn't do it just wondering why he thought it necessary.

I actually think it's completely redundant anyone commenting on what it will be like. There is literally no way of knowing until closer to the time. No one has any idea about the babies temperament, their sleep, your recovery or your well being.

I literally wouldn't pay any heed to anyone saying YABU. I would say it's dependent on the situation closer to time. I think if you make it clear from the start it is entirely dependent on how you and baby are at the time it leaves it open to him choosing to potentially lose money or not. You should not have to put a specific timeline on when it's going to be okay.

Our first was a nightmare sleeper. At 4 months was waking every couple of hours. We were both struggling so I absolutely would not have coped with DH being away from 4 nights. Second was practically sleeping through by 4 months and DH doing 4 months then would have been tough but I could have done it.

YABU

I really don’t think this is a big deal, especially with family support. You’ll be fine!

I think your DP knows you better than we do and he should be at least open to hearing your concerns. For those that say they absolutely couldn't have coped with a 4 month old on their own - some people really do and survive so it is possible. I don't think 2 adults are required to look after one baby. Sure an extra pair of hands is helpful but not strictly necessary.

100% YABU.

You're massively overthinking this.

4 month old babies are generally not that bad. I assume you'll be on maternity still so no nursery runs etc...?

And if it is a difficult baby and you think you'll find it tough on your own, then get your mum, or his mum or someone else to give you a hand.

You'll be fine.

You have family support. 4 months is long enough to get used to looking after a baby. Remember single parents manage, I'm sure you will be fine.