Stag do, 4 nights, abroad, 4 month old baby

[PeachySmile2]

AIBU for thinking my partner should not want to go on a 4 night stag do, abroad, when our first and only child is going to be 4 months old? I think it’s really selfish that he would leave me to look after the baby alone for all that time when he’s living it up on holiday with a group of his friends. We don’t know what the baby will be like at that time - will it be easy or will it be physically and mentally draining? Either way, he’s sees no problem leaving it all to me. He says my mum can come and stay to help out while he’s away.

I’m more hurt by the fact he doesn’t see any problem with it. He does not think it’s selfish, he thinks I am selfish by him not wanting him to go and is pi$$ed off with me for ‘guilt tripping’ him. I honestly didn’t think he would be like that. I thought he would grow up and put his family first. Or am I being dramatic? None of the other guys going on this trip have kids. Does he realise he’s not in the same position as them any more?

One of the stags started planning before we found out about the baby, apparently the villa is booked at a cost of £210. We are lucky that we can afford to lose that £210 if he does not go.

Please be honest and tell me if I’m being unreasonable. I feel it would be different if it was a 1 or 2 night trip but 4 nights just feels like he’s taking the mickey.

This is exactly what I mean. I can’t understand why he would want to go and leave us - out of choice - at such an early stage

As opposed to sitting and looking at you both. Yes, it would also involve cooking the odd dinner and throwing a load in the machine/dryer but it’s only 4 days. With just yourself and one baby there shouldn’t be that much work in 4 days that it’s not available. He can catch up on the washing and hoovering when he gets back. You shouldn’t need family support to help with any of that, it’s more having a break in the day where you get to have a conversation with an adult that it’s good to have someone for.

It’s tricky as presumably you are just pregnant and stag is planned.

For me it would depend on who the stag was - brother or close friend then I’d say yes he should go. Otherwise I’d say it’s up to him if he books it but you will need to discuss it nearer the time so it’s whether he’s prepared to risk it. But tbf unless there’s some health issues for you or baby he would probably be fine.

My partner went away for 4 nights when my baby was 4 months old and it was fine. I even had Covid at the time too, so it was struggle but I managed. I just made plans with people to keep busy

If it’s a close friend and a one off then I think it’s very reasonable for him to go.

I went on a three day, two night hen when my baby was born. It was my best friend of 30 years. I had a great time. DH coped.

This. Gosh you need to be more positive. You will be fine. It is much harder when you are back at work and juggling childcare etc. You also plan to take a few days away. It's a baby it's not that complicated.

I don't think it's such a big deal, it's going to be 4 days and the baby will be 4 months you should be able to manage surely. Let him have some fun, it's a stag not a random night out, unless he's always out I can't see the issue

I say this as someone with a 5 month old. Newborn isn’t a thing after 8 weeks as my health visitor said. By 4 months we were well into a routine

The truth is that neither of you know how you’ll feel as the baby isn’t here yet.

But IME - and many on here - it’ll be fine. It’s pretty normal for parents to continue having a life after a child is born and plenty of parents are on their own for a few weeks or even months at a time on their own.

The problem really arises when it’s all one sided. So he continues weekly nights out at the pub and weekends away but refuses to facilitate you having the same. It’s fine if you choose not to go out or away. That’s your choice and he choice t be made to make the same decisions.

But I honestly wouldn’t be worried about being left with a 4 month old baby’s alone for a few nights.

I think you might be in an unnecessary panic.

4 months is very different to newborn. You’ll know what you are doing, likely have a decent routine and settled naps, you should be getting regular sleep.

In many ways it can be easier to be just the two of you, one less person to cook for and think about.

This isn’t a race to the bottom but just to show that it can be fine; I had a dreadful birth with my first and my DH had to travel for a week away for work when he was 6 weeks old. I was dreading it as I didn’t have help and honestly it was absolutely fine. I actually look back at that week fondly as it helped me to find my feet and be more confident. I did things my way, and to suit me, and it was lovely.

I also managed solo with 2 under 5 and a 2 week old newborn for a weekend. Tough, but totally doable. It’s amazing what you can do.

Best of luck with the baby, you’re going to be absolutely fine.

Is this what Mumsnet is these days? Seriously? Fucking hell.

Sorry you had such a rough time! I am breastfeeding though and had an overnight spa break when DD was 3 months, I just expressed prior. We 50/50 parent though (obv other than literally bf) so I guess that is what makes all the difference. Not calling you out, just saying it is possible to get the balance.

Ew here we go again, a mumsnet user who has to take it too far and be nasty with it.

It’s perfectly normal to be anxious about this kind of thing!!!!!

You should mind your tone when speaking to a soon to be new mother. Where is the kindness and solidarity?

I’m not a fan of stag doos abroad.

But I don’t think having a young baby is a reason he should not go on a stag doo, or go away for work or any other reason to be away a few days.

Yes get your Mum to stay for moral support. Plenty of single mothers seem to manage, because they have to.

In medical terms newborn or neonate is the 1st 6 weeks. Maternity leave was 12 weeks in the 1990's and still is in the USA and France I think. As others have said babies are generally easier and more predictable by 3/4 months and often going a longer stretch at night.

I dont see an issue life doesn't stop when someone has a baby you could always come up with anything to stop him or yourself doing something because there is a baby doesn't make it right

If he was saying he has a right to a break ans you dont that is an issue

Well, I personally think 4 nights for a stag is a bit selfish with a new baby. DH has been to a couple of stags since having kids but he’s always done the one night and come home. He’s turned down the abroad ones.

The fact your partner is asking when will be okay to go away is a bit immature really. Like he’s expecting there to not be much change to his life.

@Nosleepforthismum life doesn't stop because you have children. Doesn't mean you can't do things you did before. Plenty of people manage with partners working away, single parents etc. baby will be 4 months old, not a newborn.

Maybe she wasn't even pregnant when it was planned

Very selfish of him. it doesn't bode well for the future if he always puts himself first.

I know that and the OP will manage like loads of other women. My DH could only take one day off after our second was born due to a work emergency and I had to manage a newborn and toddler on my own after a c-section so I’m really not saying the OP couldn’t manage perfectly well.

I still consider it to be a little selfish though. I think when you have kids your priorities change but in this case the OP’s partner still thinks he should be able to carry on his life as normal and I just think it’s an immature attitude to have. Best friend of 20 years - absolutely. Anyone else, it’s just an excuse to go on a jolly leaving your wife at home with her new baby with no respite.

I think YABU a little. By 4 months you have a routine whilst at home. I remember at the time of DD being born that DH was on a work project. Work accommodated him with not travelling in the 5 weeks before my due date. After his two week paternity he was back to being abroad 5 days a week with little notice. Don't get me wrong it was tough at times. However there were no time restraints like having to be up for work at 7am or whatever. So we just took it hour by hour and went on lots of walks and had naps together at the same time. With due respect its 4 days, let the house fall apart, batch meals before he goes and get some coffee dates in with friends to break up the day times. Once he's back get something planned in with your mates. Even if it's a couple of daytime things like a day festival or brunch. I think if you tell him not to go he will then be resentful and sat there like a bear with a sore arse.

YANBU I’d be saying absolutely not to 4 nights away on what is essentially a solo holiday. There isn’t a chance on god’s earth that he’d be thrilled if you were planning the same.

You’ll be fine, OP. It will give you such a confidence boost as a new mum to come through it 🙂

Hi OP, just to reassure you, my DH went on a stag do when our DD was about that age too and it was absolutely fine! By that stage you should be getting in a bit of a routine and will have adjusted. My DD was waking 2/3 times a night but we had a routine so I honestly coped fine. I'm sure all will be ok.

Just make sure to plan something nice for yourself when he's back and let him have the baby! x

My DH went away for 5 days for work when I had a 5 month old and toddler. My life was actually easier that week. I got on with my own plans without having to factor him in, and he was actually a hands on dad.
My mil visited for a day to help with food shopping.

There's a lot of unknowns before a baby is born and it probably doesn't feel fair to you that he's planning on swanning off after you've put your body through pregnancy then being left to look after the baby on your own.

Just make sure you get to do something similar, either go away or say trips where he looks after the baby himself.